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AIBU?

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OH double booking himself

90 replies

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 20:20

Name change for this, as know some people on here.
AIBU to be upset with OH?

Back in October I booked tickets to a gig. It’s not my OH’s type of music but it’s not far off, I asked him if he would go with me and he said he would. The gig is at the end of this month.
I was making other plans for the Friday of that weekend, and reminded him about the gig on the Saturday saying it’ll be a busy weekend. He said that he’s doing something else on the Saturday, so he can’t go with me to the gig.
it’s really upset me, possibly more than is reasonable. I’ve asked other people if they want to come, but everyone is busy. I don’t want to go in my own.

The gig is in the joint calendar, his other plans are with his Mum for a booked and paid for event. He asked me about this date when his mum suggested it. I reminded him about the gig. (He’s now saying I didn’t) He said that the event is often in the afternoon, I said if it’s in the afternoon that should be fine, as he can do both. It’s not in the afternoon, it’s at the same time as the gig, but it’s now booked.

This is an unusual occurrence.
i can’t see a solution, and I’ve been upset about it for a few days now. I have been crying about it, which is not like me. We’ve discussed it today, he says it’s a miscommunication, which it is, but it’s one that’s really upset me. I should probably put my big girl boots on and go by myself, but I wouldn’t have bought a ticket to go by myself, I would have just forgotten about the gig. He says I’ve made him sad because I haven’t been talking to him for a few days. I haven’t been able to because I keep crying.

AIBU?
How do I move past this?

OP posts:
MoreChocPls · 04/04/2025 07:21

Kick him out. Does he pay his share or is he freeloading?

Rosequart · 04/04/2025 06:47

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 22:12

Before I bought the tickets, back in October

Then that’s not on.

But honestly, he’s not sugar coating this relationship. You each have different views about what commitment means.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 04/04/2025 06:12

Rosequart · 03/04/2025 22:10

In my 50’s, I can’t be bothered people pleasing. My partner of 10 years booked tickets for us for a gig he wanted to go to but it’s not my thing at all. I made clear I wasn’t going. Life is too short

Cool story, was there a purpose to your comment

LillyPJ · 04/04/2025 02:06

Go on your own and enjoy it! If you're not used to going to things alone, I know it can be daunting, but it's a great thing to do. It makes life so much easier if you don't always have to rely on others or compromise.

TheBuffetInspector · 04/04/2025 02:01

10 years, he's deliberately put his Mum first and he has no plans to marry you.

Life begins at 50! It's the new 40.

What is the gig and where is it?!

Take control. You're crying because he has all the control regarding your future.

It is over, and I'm not normally one to say that, but you deserve so much better.
Don't stay with him and put up with it until you're 60. Get out whilst you're still young.

Semiramide · 04/04/2025 01:49

Please, do not ever give half your house to a man! At least not to someone you've only known for 10 years, and not as joint tenants. Or at least not without legal advice and a proper will.

You have worked hard for this......... surely you would want the benefits of your hard work to go to your daughter?

LBFseBrom · 03/04/2025 23:38

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 22:30

We moved in together before covid.
I’m considering going to the gig by myself as I’ve been looking forward to it. TBH if I go by myself I will know that we’re done.

Would your teenage son or daughter go with you, CupOfTea? Just a thought.

BakelikeBertha · 03/04/2025 23:31

Now that you've told us it's your house OP, my advice is to kick his miserable arse out of it, and start fresh by going to the gig on your own.

I'm sorry he's treated you like this, but he's clearly not the one for you, so bin him off, and then you're free to enjoy life on your own terms, and who knows, just when you're not expecting it, you may find someone who treats you with the respect and love that you deserve. Who knows, that 'someone' might even be at the gig!

Chezxx · 03/04/2025 23:21

Good news OP.
Time he moves out.
Asap.
You are housing and a convenience.
Do not allow him backtrack when he realises you have self respect and want him to move out.
You will get through this.

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 23:20

Semiramide · 03/04/2025 23:04

What's changed is that he has told you that he does not want to marry you. You fee
Unl9ved, devalued, second best. I'm not sure you'll be able to get past this. Would you even want to...

As for the gig, if your daughter is a teenager old enough to go to an evening concert, she is within her rights to insist that she can switch weekends. These kinds of calender issues will occur more as she gets older, so some sensible, mutually acceptable ground rules need to be put in place.

Yep, that is what’s changed.
I have a few friends that are on second marriages… I haven’t managed one! 😂

OP posts:
CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 23:18

Chezxx · 03/04/2025 22:52

I'm so sorry OP.
Don't be a used convenience for him.
Your relationship is over.
Wipe yoir tears and start making your plans to go it alone.

Crucially what is your housing situation?
If its yours, tell him pack.
If its his, make plans.
If its joint, get organised.

You are not his priority and he doesn't even sound decent.
Basic manners precludes people letting each other down like that.

Is he forcing your hand to break up?

I’ll be ok financially. It’ll be a bit tight, but I’ll manage. I don’t have lots of debt, mainly the mortgage. House is in my name. Planned to put it in joint names when we got married, but that ain’t happening now!

OP posts:
Semiramide · 03/04/2025 23:04

What's changed is that he has told you that he does not want to marry you. You fee
Unl9ved, devalued, second best. I'm not sure you'll be able to get past this. Would you even want to...

As for the gig, if your daughter is a teenager old enough to go to an evening concert, she is within her rights to insist that she can switch weekends. These kinds of calender issues will occur more as she gets older, so some sensible, mutually acceptable ground rules need to be put in place.

Chezxx · 03/04/2025 22:52

I'm so sorry OP.
Don't be a used convenience for him.
Your relationship is over.
Wipe yoir tears and start making your plans to go it alone.

Crucially what is your housing situation?
If its yours, tell him pack.
If its his, make plans.
If its joint, get organised.

You are not his priority and he doesn't even sound decent.
Basic manners precludes people letting each other down like that.

Is he forcing your hand to break up?

CuriousGeorge80 · 03/04/2025 22:47

It’s shitty. And it’s not a miscommunication, that’s just him minimising it, which is also shitty. I’m sorry OP.

nomorezoflora · 03/04/2025 22:46

Go to the gig solo. And yes, also be done with him. I think you've got it right there.

RaspberryBeretxx · 03/04/2025 22:44

I think Yanbu. It sounds like a bit of an accumulation of issues - in part the marriage issue.

How's the rest of the relationship - is he normally loving, kind, prioritises the relationship etc?

I think what would really bother me is him trying to weasel out of it without an apology (I assume as you haven't mentioned one) and comments about it being a miscommunication. It's not a miscommunication! He double booked and even if he totally forgot the gig, he just needs to own it and profusely apologise and preferably pull out of the thing with his mum on the basis that he was booked in with you first.

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 22:42

NachoChip · 03/04/2025 22:35

I don't think this is about the gig. It's irritating that he's double booked, but ultimately this is about rejection. He told you he didn't want to get married, you felt rejected. Through this gig he's managed to reject you four times more....1) he didn't seem to look forward to it 2) he forgot 3) he didn't listen/ignored your reminder 4) he then chose to do stick with his other plan after he knew he made a commitment to you first.
It's not about the gig, it's about being unsure of your importance in his life and future.
He needs to decide if he's committed to you and, if he is, he needs to prove it. Once he does, in future, the gig won't matter so much. If he doesn't, you deserve more.

He’s the first person I’ve been able to feel comfortable making plans in advance with. It used to feel so right with him. I’m not sure what changed 😢

OP posts:
CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 22:40

Conniebygaslight · 03/04/2025 22:36

Would your teen go with you? I think your relationship is shit btw sorry.

My teen is with her Dad that weekend. She would happily come otherwise.
her Dad won’t swap a weekend, so thats a non starter.

OP posts:
Conniebygaslight · 03/04/2025 22:36

Would your teen go with you? I think your relationship is shit btw sorry.

NachoChip · 03/04/2025 22:35

I don't think this is about the gig. It's irritating that he's double booked, but ultimately this is about rejection. He told you he didn't want to get married, you felt rejected. Through this gig he's managed to reject you four times more....1) he didn't seem to look forward to it 2) he forgot 3) he didn't listen/ignored your reminder 4) he then chose to do stick with his other plan after he knew he made a commitment to you first.
It's not about the gig, it's about being unsure of your importance in his life and future.
He needs to decide if he's committed to you and, if he is, he needs to prove it. Once he does, in future, the gig won't matter so much. If he doesn't, you deserve more.

PurpleThistle7 · 03/04/2025 22:32

Ah missed one of your updates. Indeed. Sounds like a nail in the coffin sadly. I hope you enjoy the gig if you go!

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 03/04/2025 22:32

He's just not that into you is he?
Go to the gig alone..
You may meet The One..
You are current Miss Right Now..

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 22:30

Chaseandstatus · 03/04/2025 22:24

If you have lived together for five years was it Covid that caused you to move in together? I can see how this would make you think that he was more committed than he truly was.

Can you sell the tickets, take the gig out of the equation and have a really hard think about the future.

You will be fine in the long run. Don’t forget statistics show that single women are the happiest!!

We moved in together before covid.
I’m considering going to the gig by myself as I’ve been looking forward to it. TBH if I go by myself I will know that we’re done.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 03/04/2025 22:28

He hadn’t accidentally double booked, he knew about the gig and decided he would make plans with his mum anyway. That’s shoeing you loud and clear you’re not his priority

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 22:27

k1233 · 03/04/2025 22:22

I think your crying is because the tickets are reinforcing you are not a priority for him. You've been together 10 years and he has categorically told you he won't marry you. If you want to be married, leave him. Don't have kids with him because you'll be in a very precarious position and to be honest, he doesn't deserve that level of commitment from you if he is not prepared to commit to you.

How old are you?

I’m 50. I have a teenager from a previous relationship. There won’t be any kids with him. He didn’t want them.

OP posts:
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