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AIBU?

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Original poster

OH double booking himself

90 replies

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 20:20

Name change for this, as know some people on here.
AIBU to be upset with OH?

Back in October I booked tickets to a gig. It’s not my OH’s type of music but it’s not far off, I asked him if he would go with me and he said he would. The gig is at the end of this month.
I was making other plans for the Friday of that weekend, and reminded him about the gig on the Saturday saying it’ll be a busy weekend. He said that he’s doing something else on the Saturday, so he can’t go with me to the gig.
it’s really upset me, possibly more than is reasonable. I’ve asked other people if they want to come, but everyone is busy. I don’t want to go in my own.

The gig is in the joint calendar, his other plans are with his Mum for a booked and paid for event. He asked me about this date when his mum suggested it. I reminded him about the gig. (He’s now saying I didn’t) He said that the event is often in the afternoon, I said if it’s in the afternoon that should be fine, as he can do both. It’s not in the afternoon, it’s at the same time as the gig, but it’s now booked.

This is an unusual occurrence.
i can’t see a solution, and I’ve been upset about it for a few days now. I have been crying about it, which is not like me. We’ve discussed it today, he says it’s a miscommunication, which it is, but it’s one that’s really upset me. I should probably put my big girl boots on and go by myself, but I wouldn’t have bought a ticket to go by myself, I would have just forgotten about the gig. He says I’ve made him sad because I haven’t been talking to him for a few days. I haven’t been able to because I keep crying.

AIBU?
How do I move past this?

OP posts:
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BakelikeBertha · 05/04/2025 18:17

Oh, how lovely to hear that someone on MN is going to go with you OP! I told you up thread that you might meet someone new at the gig, although I did think it might be a guy, but who knows, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Hope you enjoy the gig ladies!😀

CactusUmbrella · 05/04/2025 17:56

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 05/04/2025 17:03

It is in London. Are you free on the 26th? 🙃

Show quote history

I actually am OP! Drop me a PM and we’ll organise this!! No man should make you miss out on something you are looking forward to.

Original poster
CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 05/04/2025 17:03

CactusUmbrella · 05/04/2025 13:49

Oh OP I’m so sorry. He sounds shit tbh. It’s going to be sad and upsetting for a while but you’ll come out the other side a lot better for it.

In the meantime, if the gig is anywhere near London and you don’t mind going with a stranger/new friend, I’ll come with you! Don’t miss out because of him!

It is in London. Are you free on the 26th? 🙃

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/04/2025 15:50

Oh I'm sorry, OP. And yes, it does seem like he was checked out already - for whatever reason - and was hoping for this outcome.

saraclara · 05/04/2025 15:19

He says I’ve made him sad because I haven’t been talking to him for a few days. I haven’t been able to because I keep crying.

I'm sorry but this is a massive overreaction. You can't speak to him without crying so you're giving him the silent treatment? It's this how you're going to manage every bump in the road of your relationship?

You've said yourself that it was a miscommunication, so I'm also bemused at all the posts castigating him and implying that it's time to end the relationship. He didn't do it deliberately, so as annoying as it is, it's really not a relationship killer to my mind.

ETA that dammit, I missed a page. Just saw your update, and... Ah well. I hope it's the right decision for you both, even though I don't get it.

Semiramide · 05/04/2025 15:08

BakelikeBertha · 05/04/2025 14:47

Well I'm sorry for the upset that you are going through OP, but relieved to hear that you've decided to dump this selfish man, and give yourself the opportunity to move on with your life. Please don't shed too many tears - he clearly isn't worth it.

This.

💐

BakelikeBertha · 05/04/2025 14:47

Well I'm sorry for the upset that you are going through OP, but relieved to hear that you've decided to dump this selfish man, and give yourself the opportunity to move on with your life. Please don't shed too many tears - he clearly isn't worth it.

CactusUmbrella · 05/04/2025 13:49

Oh OP I’m so sorry. He sounds shit tbh. It’s going to be sad and upsetting for a while but you’ll come out the other side a lot better for it.

In the meantime, if the gig is anywhere near London and you don’t mind going with a stranger/new friend, I’ll come with you! Don’t miss out because of him!

Chezxx · 05/04/2025 13:35

Not a nice man at all.

Unkind, then blames you when you are upset.
Get him out of your doace asap.

Codlingmoths · 05/04/2025 13:32

gamerchick · 05/04/2025 12:23

So mission accomplished then? Treat you like shit so you'll dump him and he doesn't come off as the twat.

You're well rid of him though. Just wish they wouldn't play these games and take some accountability.

Edited

This. He detached and deprioritised you, then had the nerve to imply it’s your fault when you didn’t want to put up with that anymore.

gamerchick · 05/04/2025 12:23

So mission accomplished then? Treat you like shit so you'll dump him and he doesn't come off as the twat.

You're well rid of him though. Just wish they wouldn't play these games and take some accountability.

PullTheBricksDown · 05/04/2025 10:30

I'm sorry OP. It's probably for the best though given his clear signals that he thinks of you as a convenience not a priority - and not to get married to. You deserve better.

Has he acknowledged that he'll need to move out? He can go to his mum's I guess.

Original poster
CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 05/04/2025 10:03

So… we had a talk…
I said I was upset about the double booking. I didn’t want to go by myself and the thought of that was making me upset. I thought he might not realise how upset it had made me because he wouldn’t be bothered about going by himself so I’d told him that I was upset. When I did this he made it all about him because he was upset that I’d treated him like shit.
he said that I was bringing it back to the tickets and ignoring the way I’d treated him.
I want to clarify that I hadn’t given him the silent treatment, I just hadn’t been my usual happy self because I was upset, I just hadn’t discussed the tickets, we had discussed day to day stuff like dinner plans etc.
I tried to explain that if I was treating him like shit it was because I was upset, then he said that I always do this (which I don’t).
He goes out a lot. He tells me about his plans, often after he’s booked them, and I’m very relaxed about them.
If there’s something important then I let him know and he usually plans around them. He’s usually there for family stuff for example.
This is the first time I’ve been upset by his plans and have voiced my upset.
he was really minimising my feelings, which made me more upset.
I said I think we’re done. He agreed.
So that’s it.
Thanks for the opinions on here. I don’t think it’s how I had expected this to go, but I’ll be ok.

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 05/04/2025 02:29

If I were you I'd go by myself. I'd also book a nice hotel room for myself afterwards and go there. It's clearly not that important to him so I wouldn't tell him in advance. Sometimes he needs reminding where his priorities life.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 04/04/2025 13:14

Do you have a male work colleague you could suggest you take along, I'm sure he would change his plans then 😂

I would put my foot down on this one

BinChicken1 · 04/04/2025 12:59

…this seems a total overreaction to me 😧

Chezxx · 04/04/2025 12:40

OP, before you discuss anything with him, get your head straight.

He doesn't want to marry you.
That is his choice.
He now also seems to have become very offhand in his treatment of you.

Decide want you want and will accept going forward.

Then tell him that.
The marriage thing is over, he doesn't want it.
Don't make little of yourself chasing it.

Clearly your home and set up is a convenience for him.

Are you prepared to settle for that?
Get your head straight before you say anything.

outerspacepotato · 04/04/2025 12:40

"he said a few months ago that he didn’t want to get married. I thought that was where we were heading, and had said so, but he said he didn’t plan to marry me.
I’ve been processing that for a while now, and I think this has just added to me being upset about that."

The gig is symbolic that he's gone as far as he's going to go in your relationship but you thought you were heading to marriage. He made a commitment to you about the gig, then either forgot because it wasn't important enough or just blew it off. It just showed you that you're not his priority. You have decisions to make. Is marriage really a deal breaker? Did he future fake you by saying you would get married then renege?

If your relationship is generally good and solid, do you want to break up over getting married? What lizzyBennet08 said about some people in the 50s being reluctant to remarry due to kids, assets and so on can be the case for many. It's something to keep in mind.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/04/2025 12:33

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 03/04/2025 20:38

If he made the commitment to you first he needs to rearrange with his mum. why didn’t he check the calendar. I’d be upset too OP. Are there other issues making you feel like he doesn’t put you first?

This! It’s not the commitment to you that needs to go - yours is also booked and paid for.

Original poster
CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 04/04/2025 12:19

lizzyBennet08 · 04/04/2025 10:36

Honestly I’m going to go against the grain here a little.
i get that it’s really annoying that he double booked himself and is choosing not to let his Mom down rather than you .i think forcing him to come along with you and miss his moms event would be in no one’s interest including yours. It’s irritating and annoying but shouldn’t ordinarily be a deal breaker or warrant you crying about it for days. Clearly this is about the marriage thing for you and you seem to be veering towards ending the relationship because of it .
its not clear if he ever promised you marriage or if this is something you assumed you were moving towards, I do understand that for many people in their 50s with their own assets and children etc involved that it rarely makes sense from a practical view point to marry . If you otherwise get on well and he is a nice guy who pays his way and generally treats you well I think I’d be slow to dump him just on the marriage issue. There is nothing romantic about a marriage ultimatum even if he agrees now if you say marriage or nothing . There are lots of frogs out there. If he is otherwise a good one I wouldn’t be so quick to throw him back.

Thank you for this.
I’m not planning to give him a marriage ultimatum, I don’t even think I’ll mention my disappointment at the lack of marriage in the future.
I think I’m going to stick with the way he reacted to me telling him how upset I am. It wasn’t a good reaction from him. There was no support, and I was supposed to understand that he was upset too.
there are a lot of good qualities to him, my child and my family all like him.
I need to see how tonight goes and have a good think.
we don’t argue very often, so when we do it feels like a huge thing.

OP posts:
lizzyBennet08 · 04/04/2025 10:36

Honestly I’m going to go against the grain here a little.
i get that it’s really annoying that he double booked himself and is choosing not to let his Mom down rather than you .i think forcing him to come along with you and miss his moms event would be in no one’s interest including yours. It’s irritating and annoying but shouldn’t ordinarily be a deal breaker or warrant you crying about it for days. Clearly this is about the marriage thing for you and you seem to be veering towards ending the relationship because of it .
its not clear if he ever promised you marriage or if this is something you assumed you were moving towards, I do understand that for many people in their 50s with their own assets and children etc involved that it rarely makes sense from a practical view point to marry . If you otherwise get on well and he is a nice guy who pays his way and generally treats you well I think I’d be slow to dump him just on the marriage issue. There is nothing romantic about a marriage ultimatum even if he agrees now if you say marriage or nothing . There are lots of frogs out there. If he is otherwise a good one I wouldn’t be so quick to throw him back.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 04/04/2025 08:46

OP, your partner has been future-faking and it’s time to accept that you’re not a priority in his life. I hope you’ll move on and find someone better, or find happiness with friends instead.

Your ex has no right to demand his daughter’s presence if she wants to go to the gig with you. You should go with her and have a good time. Celebrate freeing yourself from a man who doesn’t deserve you.

Original poster
CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 04/04/2025 08:36

I told him we’d discuss things tonight after work.
I feel incredibly sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 04/04/2025 08:35

MoreChocPls · 04/04/2025 07:21

Kick him out. Does he pay his share or is he freeloading?

He pays his way, not freeloading.

OP posts:
Original poster
CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 04/04/2025 08:34

I wasn’t just going to give him half, he was going to sell his flat which would pay off the mortgage. His flat was worth about the same as my flat, which I sold to have a deposit on the house.

OP posts:
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