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AIBU?

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Original poster

my therapist ACTUALLY ghosted me

61 replies

Notmollybutdolly · 03/04/2025 18:21

I have a great counsellor who I had for 10 sessions over the course of 6 months. We had a great connection I really respected and liked her and she made me feel ‘seen’. I. Learnt a lot from our and hoped to continue after the 10 sessions were up.

We had a short break while I organised potentially getting some help with the costs of her services. I kept her up to date and after the last message I sent, I haven’t heard from her? It’s been almost 6 weeks now. this is what I sent:

’’ I'm so sorry for not getting back to you sooner I've not heard anything back! Peter (DH) lost his job last week so I was thinking about having a wee break from counselling for maybe a couple of months and seeing how I get on? What do you think? Or even booking with you once a month? Would that be something that could work for you?’’

AIBU to chase her up???

DH says i should get in touch again but I’m so put off by it. I get there can Be extenuating circumstances but this just seems so out of character.

OP posts:
applegrumbling · 03/04/2025 19:54

TryForSpring · 03/04/2025 19:17

Your message was absolutely fine to send to a therapist. It's not a business relationship. She should have replied.

Sorry yes, should also have said this. This isn’t like other businesses. Ghosting you isn’t kind.

noquinoa · 03/04/2025 19:52

What did you think she would do with your updates? She doesn’t work for free.

Is Peter your husband’s real name? If so, a bit concerning.

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/04/2025 19:42

therapists are encouraged to have a 'digital will' just in case they have to suddenly stop work, and this usually means asking another therapist to arrange to contact clients

A professional will works for current clients but not for people who have ended work. I wouldn’t give my work phone to someone on the off chance that a previous EAP client might contact because EAP work is covered by different contingency arrangements through the agency so won’t fall under the terms of my professional will.

I wouldn’t want my will holder to contact any client if they didn’t know that was a possibility given the confidential nature of the work.

VibeVanguard · 03/04/2025 19:38

Your message was appropriate and aligned with the relationship you had with her.

It would have been professional for her to respond, but therapists are human and can make mistakes. It’s possible she simply missed your message—perhaps it went to spam, or she intended to reply but got sidetracked. If not responding is out of character for her, it’s likely just an oversight.

Following up would be a good idea. And if, as others have suggested, the lack of response relates to the EAP contract, this would give her a chance to clarify that for you.

Lostthefairytale · 03/04/2025 19:31

As a therapist I would not have any issue with the tone of your message and she should have replied even if it was just to say that she wasn't able to accommodate you.

I would message her again. If she is busy it is easy to lose messages down your inbox if it was sent by text or WhatsApp. I've also missed messages which have randomly found their way into junk. I would give her the benefit of the doubt. If you don't hear back the issue is hers not yours.

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 19:31

Lesleyann25 · 03/04/2025 19:31

I did quit but he was really hard to break up with😀

Surely you just don’t turn up?

GreyAreas · 03/04/2025 19:31

Try email if you have an address, then if she is out of office you will get a response (- it's unlikely she is suddenly off work and unable to message but not impossible - therapists are encouraged to have a 'digital will' just in case they have to suddenly stop work, and this usually means asking another therapist to arrange to contact clients, but most probably don't, and if you think about it she can't really share your details with anyone else. There's no out of office for text). In your email be more specific about what you actually want and ask her to confirm yes or no or give you a call.

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 19:31

How long have you been waiting for a response op

Lesleyann25 · 03/04/2025 19:31

I did quit but he was really hard to break up with😀

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/04/2025 19:30

re my overly friendly tone. I felt silly corresponding with her in a formal tone,

Your tone was absolutely fine. Given she was working through an EAP there may be rules about moving you on to work with her privately. Some providers don’t allow it at all, some need a break of 3/6 months and some have no restrictions at all. It may be contractually she can’t continue with you but she should have said so.

I’d get some funds in place and contact her when you’re able to continue, it’s not that unusual for EAP work to be spread out over a few months but if you want to work privately she may want to arrange more frequent sessions rather than working ad hoc.

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 19:29

Lesleyann25 · 03/04/2025 19:20

Mine wouldn’t let me quit, said is this a problem in all your relationships. Erm no I just wasn’t really getting anywhere in the sessions.

so you didn’t quit or you did? @Lesleyann25

Original poster
Notmollybutdolly · 03/04/2025 19:28

my Non-committal type text there is due to the nature of how I saw our 10 sessions. As I explained they weren’t at the same time every week, it was whenever she could fit me in and when I wasn’t working. And that seemed to be her preferred method of working, so I took it from her lead in that I asked the question if it could be on an ‘on demand’ service. now I realise I could have probably worded it better and sounded more certain.
do you all not agree that she should’ve just messaged me back and let me know either way? Like either to say ‘no that doesn’t work for me’ or just to explain how she wanted it to work, she wasn’t new to the game, and I would’ve appreciated clarity either way.
thanks again for all your opinions.

OP posts:
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 03/04/2025 19:24

TryForSpring · 03/04/2025 19:17

Your message was absolutely fine to send to a therapist. It's not a business relationship. She should have replied.

I agree with this.

Lesleyann25 · 03/04/2025 19:20

Mine wouldn’t let me quit, said is this a problem in all your relationships. Erm no I just wasn’t really getting anywhere in the sessions.

TryForSpring · 03/04/2025 19:19

Although it's rather dramatic to say she "ACTUALLY ghosted" you when she just hasn't replied to one message. Just send follow-up or phone her to check that she received it.

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 19:19

It is even clearer now

previously she was paid for the 10 sessions direct from your employer

now you admit to financial difficulties and you’re now responsible for paying her, she is understandably concerned about trouble being paid

TryForSpring · 03/04/2025 19:17

Your message was absolutely fine to send to a therapist. It's not a business relationship. She should have replied.

applegrumbling · 03/04/2025 19:13

If it was through EAP there may be a minimum time required before she can take you on privately.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 03/04/2025 19:12

While you are facing a lot of valid feedback here, she should have replied if only to say she’s fully booked, no room for extra sessions etc.
Therapists are not drop-in centres through or there to just sit and listen to problems sporadically.
If you want to do the work, you have to commit to it. At best, it would be weekly. Anything less than fortnightly is a waste of both of your time.
She might be a great therapist, you may have had a rapport, but therapists do take their work seriously and if it felt more like an ad-hoc arrangement she may have felt there was little more she could do. Your message isn’t very clear, and good therapists are in high demand.
I was lucky enough to have a brilliant one but he said treat me as you would an NHS consultant in that you show up on time, ready to do the work. You wouldn’t send that message to a GP or a surgeon.
Yes, you don’t have to be serious in terms of tone but what you do have to do is be committed and have the resources to pay if it’s private.

Original poster
Notmollybutdolly · 03/04/2025 19:08

EquinoxQueen · 03/04/2025 19:00

If it was through EAP could you not ask your employer for additional sessions (mine offer this after the first lot but need to get it approved) and ask to have the same therapist?

I did ask, after discussing with my counsellor. I kept her up to date as I waited to hear from eap, but eventually they said they couldn’t offer me more sessions as they hadn’t heard back from my actual employer. So my text above was regarding that. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmollybutdolly · 03/04/2025 19:05

Psychologymam · 03/04/2025 19:02

She should have responded politely either way, but 10 sessions over six months is unusual - did you cancel frequently? That potentially may be why there wasn’t a response.

Hi as I explained above in my reply as to why the 10 sessions were over 6 months.

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 03/04/2025 19:03

Ifcshe definitely got the message, then she isn't interested
Let it go. It would be stalkerish and embarrassing to keep on.
Not everything works out.sometimes it's meant to be.

Psychologymam · 03/04/2025 19:02

She should have responded politely either way, but 10 sessions over six months is unusual - did you cancel frequently? That potentially may be why there wasn’t a response.

EquinoxQueen · 03/04/2025 19:00

If it was through EAP could you not ask your employer for additional sessions (mine offer this after the first lot but need to get it approved) and ask to have the same therapist?

Original poster
Notmollybutdolly · 03/04/2025 18:56

Thanks all for the input and advice. Has made me see it in a different way now.

I had 10 sessions which weren’t regular as that’s the way it worked with us. I would see her, then at the end of the session we would agree on the next date, rather than being set in stone every single week. So sometimes it was once every 2 weeks, other times due to us both having holidays it was less frequent, and then she was ill a few times.

also the 10 sessions were through my employee assistance program, so I was absolutely willing to pay for her myself but as my partner lost ihis job it was the case of looking at our funds over the next few months.

re: the overly friendly tone. I felt silly corresponding with her in a formal tone, as when I was in my sessions with her that would be a totally different tone from how you all are suggesting I write to her. And I didn’t feel genuine messaging her in a formal tone. But I’ll take that on board for next time.

thanks again.

OP posts: