To want to hear from DH during the day?

You’re absolutely not wrong OP. Despite the vehement messages you seem to have received here.

He’s totally checked out of family life and uses his ‘big important job’ as an excuse. But seeing as much of the time he’s ignoring you he’s not even working, it simply doesn’t stand up.

I’m sorry, but this isn’t normal. All the posters defending him, it isn’t normal.

What sort of father and husband ignores messages from his wife about their child that’s gone into hospital?!

What sort of person doesn’t tell him wife when and if he’s coming home from work?

Sounds rubbish. Luckily DH and I just call each other because we like to. Takes 5 minutes at most and brings a smile to my face.

Dh works long days, we don’t speak during the day unless it’s something important but he would let me know if he was going to be later than usual. When he works away we talk on the evening and he chats to the kids. I wouldn’t accept him checking out when it suits him.

That does sound shit. DP does two days out the house with a long commute, he’s away 6.30am to 8/8.30 generally – later if there’s a work do – but he’ll always let me know from the train what time the cavalry is arriving, and also checks in after the nursery/school run each way that they’re all OK and no shenanigans.

To be honest though, aside from the “I’m on my way – eta X o’clock” text I don’t need the other ones! Having to answer that the kids’ heads haven’t fallen off en route is just an extra bit of faff on already-faffy days. On days when he’s handling them both I don’t expect an update and I don’t check in – I assume he’s busy and I know I am.

I have said yabu unreasonable but I don’t think yabu about all of it. I would be furious about the hospital situation. You need to know that in an emergency he is contactable and dh and I would be having serious words if he had done that.
Day to day it’s not reasonable to be annoyed you don’t tell through the day and I say this as someone who regularly does talk/text dh during the day but lots of days it isn’t possible because either one of us can be too busy and don’t have an expectation of being in contact. Neither of us have jobs where it is possible to be in contact all the time.

The toddler days can be relentless and lonely remember them well so while yabu unreasonable I do understand how you’re feeling.

When I'm at work I wouldn't have the mental space or time to be texting all day asking how someone is it sounds like you are lonely and should probably try to build your network rather than relying on dp.
However when he's finished work and away overnight he should be calling to check in/ask about your day etc.
I find it bizarre a nurse commented this they see many people who live alone or are single parents so I don't get why they would be quizzing you

YANBU

Me and DH always message each other during the day…..be it a little chat, sharing funny memes or sending each other photos etc. It’s just nice.

If I was an employer I’d be mightily pissed off at personal messages on work time. Possibly because when I started working there were no mobile phones, no personal calls allowed unless in an emergency.

I couldn’t be with someone so needy and controlling that they need me to check on them. Dh used to be one week uk, one week abroad, sometimes different time zones. I got on with it with 2 small children.

The only thing I think YABU is when your dc was admitted. I’d have left a message with dhs secretary or he mine if we couldn’t get in touch with each other.

He should have the courtesy to let you know logistics of things like coming home, and he should have acknowledged something important like a child in hospital.

Wanting idle chatter is unreasonable. He's being paid to focus on a job, not maintain emotional needs at home.

You need to structure your day so you add points of human contact if you're lonely.

Previously? NHS, private insurance companies, an oil company, large construction ones, a loss adjuster - seemed pretty across the board to expect people to work hard for free for a lot less than I'm paid now.

Anyhow, the only time I'd have been expected to text during the day was when I was with the ex who was obsessed with the idea I'd shag some random bloke at work or on the way back from the bus stop. Fortunately not been anywhere near someone with that level of crazy since about 2010, though.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

I am a stay at home mum of two preschoolers and DH is a busy professional (no overnight stays though). I’d say 4 days out of 5 in the working week he will message me to see how my days going. I often send pics of the DC - which he always responds to when he has a minute.

Being at home with small children is lonely and sometimes I don’t talk to another adult all day. I get why you crave small interactions from DH.

Me and my husband have always caught up during the day though. Before I had kids I had an office job and we would try and Time our lunch breaks so we could talk on the phone.

I get some jobs prohibit communication like you mention surgeons etc, but if his job is not something like that presumably he gets some kind of break during the day where he could send a 10 second text? I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

maybe I’m needy too though 😆

Everyone’s different I don’t think there’s a right or wrong
were both very much we’ll be in touch if something wrong
if something was wrong at home id expect you to ring

personally I’d find it a bit suffocating

Why is it needy? DH and I speak most days during the day once or twice. He is a medic so busy but had gaps, I WFH. We have loads to chat about during the day. Between us we go out about 4 times a week in the evenings apart from various things with friends / exercise classes / cultural shit / the pubs. It means we can get lots of the dry conversations about picking up kids (we have 4), shopping, who's cooking, walking the dogs, medical stuff out the way meaning when we are together we can have more interesting conversations.

Sounds like you work in an awful sector, however great the salary is. Glad that I’ve never worked anywhere with those expectations.

I think it very much depends on the individual. My DH and I have been together 11 years and he often goes away for work. He is also much more social than me and goes on nights out.

He texts me at least 5 or 6 times a day when travelling and will call every day. When he isn't travelling I get updates about his home time. He will text that he is an hour away, then 30 mins etc lol.

He will text me random things he sees when out with friends and updates me on any gossip he thinks I will like.

He used to call several times a day but I told him he was annoying (we have that kind of relationship, and he laughed).

I know he does it because he loves me, but it drives me crazy. I honestly would be happy with just a call once a day and maybe the occasional text. I kind of hate communicating for no reason and I enjoy my space.

There's a happy compromise to be had! You should be able to share your needs and meet in the middle in a healthy marriage.

Yabu really, he's working - why do you need to text him at all? Do you want him to message you when you're at work?

Yabu. When I'm at work, I'm flat out. I seldom get a lunch break. I couldn't cope with a partner who expected me to exchange trivialities in the middle of the working day.

Something urgent that can't wait, is different

I think your title and "let me know he's thinking of me" are a bit misleading and colouring the replies you've gotten.

I work a high-stress job with a lot of overnight travel and I'm generally someone who feels anxious and smothered if I'm expected to text while I'm working or give frequent updates. My DH is more chatty but understands I'm different and isn't clingy, so it's easy for us to go all day without texting and if I'm traveling we may only check in once so I can say goodnight to him and the DC - I think before children we probably went a day or two without contact even while married.

But basic communication about schedules is part of being a family unit. Regularly not bothering to tell your spouse and co-parent if you'll be home for dinner/evening childcare or even at all that night is not ok IMO. DH and I can go 24 hours without talking but we know which of us will and won't be home in the evening to care for our children and how many people dinner needs to be prepared for. Even our teenagers know they need to show the basic courtesy of telling us whether they'll be home for dinner or not. Not responding to any communication during a hospital admission for your young child would only be ok in a few situations when he's truly uncontactable. As is, your DH has made it so that you have to plan to parent and run the home solo at all times because he comes and goes with zero communication but also have him dropping in whenever he pleases - you've got all of the obligation and restriction and he has all the freedom. It doesn't sound like this man is your partner in any way other than bringing in a paycheck, and that wouldn't be ok with me. I also wouldn't want my children growing up with a parent they couldn't count on to be there in a reliable or predictable way.

I am not saying any particular poster or this thread but when I hear "we spend all day texting sonnets to each other and he spends all his evenings giving me massages and tells all his friends how wonderful I am and lays by the floor pining away while I am at the shops getting milk" I do wonder who mutual this ''we" and I wonder what the partner/husband feels of his version

You sound like a bit of a cold fish.

Being annoyed by a message from a loved one saying they love you is so weird to me.

This.

when my dh worked in an office I’d literally only hear from him if it couldn’t wait. I’d text him random thoughts during the day, so I didn’t forget to mention things. But it was an unspoken rule that he would completely ignore my messages unless I used a particular emoji and then he would know it was something he needed to respond to urgently.

if you need to feel thought of while he’s working, that shows insecurity and I’d look at therapy

Husband and I never contact each other in the day unless for a specific reason. We are both working. That said if he goes away we will usually have the odd message and phone call to catch up.

I feel for you. I don’t think YABU or needy.. you have a family together. And even without kids, I’d hope dh would miss me or be eager to hear my voice/check in even if it’s 2 minutes at the end of the day. So much can happen in a day and I just think it’s nice to know the other person is doing okay..

I couldn’t be with anyone so needy and dependent.