To be sad about reasons behind niece’s choice

If your niece is determined to have a baby now a donor is probably a good idea. Better that than many of the deadbeat men we read about on MN who father children. At 23 though she does have time to find a decent man hopefully.

This trotting out of ‘your brain isn’t fully developed at xx age’ really needs to stop. Brains are ALWAYS still developing.
also, I had my first child at 22 and knew exacrly what I was letting myself in for because of my previous life experiences. Age has nothing to do with it.

I know two women who have done this and it has worked out amazing. 23 is quite young so that would be my only concern, other than that it can work out really well and better than the alternative. it works well when they are financially independent, hence my concern about her age.

She’s 23. Her frontal cortex hasn’t fully developed yet.

This argument gets made a lot on Mumsnet and I'm afraid it's complete nonsense. It's a really prevalent myth but has no basis in fact.

www.sciencefocus.com/comment/brain-myth-25-development

OP, I don't really see what there is to be sad about, although obviously some feel differently and of course you have a right to hold that opinion. I understand the concerns people have about this kind of thing, even though I don't share them.

However, your niece is an adult and there isn't anything you can do here, and presumably you want to continue having a good relationship with her, so I think for the sake of your own mental health and your relationship with your niece, you need to accept her choice as something she has a right to make. I don't think there's anything to gained from dwelling on it.

i know plenty of people who’ve chosen to be solo parents or who’ve done it alone for the vast majority of the time and do just fine.
it’s her life and if she wants children but not a relationship that is a valid choice.

Out of curiosity why do you think this is a shame? I was once a 23 year old educated woman as well, with my own apartment which I bought and a flourishing career, and yet still the one thing I wanted more than anything was a baby and a family. It took me 13 more years after that to finally have my child and I would absolutely consider him to be the best thing that ever happened to me, and nothing else compares. So I guess in a way it was also my “greatest ambition”. People are different and can look at things in different ways, it doesn’t necessarily need to be a shame

My advice would be to sort out the fibroid issue first.

She has plenty of time to decide what to do about a baby , but her health , her career and financial security would be my priorities.

This is very identifying OP and an emotive topic that has the potential to blow up/end up being picked up by Daily M.

YANBU to feel ‘sad’ (you can feel sad about anything), but I’m not sure what it has to do with your distant relationship with your nieces - are you saying if you were closer you’d tell her not to do it? I doubt she’d listen to you either way tbh.

Are you sure you want to share this on-line op? You’ve included a fair bit of identifying information.

I wouldn’t want to have a child this way, but your niece sounds like she has thought about this for a long time and that she knows her own mind. I wouldn’t presume to judge anyone’s decisions about their own fertility either. Also, she obviously has strong reasons to fear relationships breaking down.

I find it slightly uncomfortable that you are inviting opinions about a decision that is not really yours to share, despite your disclaimer in your op.

If you are seriously wanting to have a deeper understanding of your niece’s motives, then why post on AIBU and not relationships? Or why not just return her kind lunch invitation and talk to her some more without dc present?

If you have misgivings about her youth, then those concerns should be addressed with her directly and sensitively.

If you don’t feel close enough to her to offer her advice or an opinion, then you need to sit with your unease privately.

You might be able to help and get to know her.

In what way does two parents improve anything? Plenty of children with two parents are born without giving a second thought to anything, including whether they are even wanted.

I have a friend who did this. She had a molar pregnancy and her long term partner dumped her while she was still in treatment. She has two kids who are thriving. They have several excellent male role models in their lives. It can absolutely work.

Doing it the traditional way is no guarantee of a good outcome.

I think it's a shame that an educated 23 year old woman's greatest ambition is to have a baby.

Do you really want to be associated with this snotty diva? I would give her a miss, to be honest.

I wonder if she's thought about all the implications. Becoming a stroppy teenager and being furious with her mum that nothing is known about the other half of her.....

I don't think so

Maybe the age would surprise people but a man choosing to have his kids via surrogate would elicit sympathy from people

What a weird, judgmental, post. Maybe she is not heterosexual, or not monogamous, so waiting to have children with that one right man is not in the cards? Why be so faux grieved over the decision of someone you barely know?

I think plenty of people would bat an eyelid tbh. And I think they’d bat an eyelid even if the process for a man doing this was the same as for a woman (as in, a man doing it involves surrogacy which has additional issues around it).

It’s a huge decision to make and I’m sure she hasn’t made it lightly…so I think she sounds like she has made her choice and you should be supportive.

I think it's absolutely terrible to purposely choose not to allow children the chance to have two parents. It's so selfish and she's only thinking of herself.

If she’s going to carry on splitting her time between the UK and the US, then she’s probably making the most sensible decision in terms of child custody if a future relationship was to break down.

Children being conceived within relationships certainly doesn’t guarantee that they’ll have access to a father figure. I suspect it would be a lot less hurtful for a child to know that they’ll were desperately wanted by their mother, rather than not wanted by an uninterested father.

My biggest concern for her would be that she has the support she needs when embarking on what sounds like a very intense career and, for the future, has she considered how the children would bond with any future step father and whether she’d just expect that bond to vanish upon the end of the relationship.

But those are thoughts I would keep very firmly in my head, so that the next generation have a chance of close relationships with their cousins. In the meantime, I’d be doing my utmost to build a closer relationship with her, keeping my gob shut at all times unless expressly asked for my opinion.

I don’t see what your family being spread apart has anything to do with the subject but YABU to say anything to her about your feelings but with that being said, you feel what you feel.

A large number of women end up bringing up children alone anyways so good on her for going into it by her own choice and having full control.

She sounds quite entitled and a piece of work. Maybe it is a good thing that she has not been around that much.

Sounds very childish. Too childish to be a mother.

She is speaking of the child as if they are possessions. Hers and only hers. Doesn't want to share. They aren't toys. Never mind what's best for a child.

She'll learn