To be sad about reasons behind niece’s choice

I know a young woman in this position, distant family. I'm not sure exactly how old she is, possibly early to mid-30s now. She has a full time job in a medicine adjacent field with a work-site creche. (Not NHS)
A few years ago she decided she wanted a baby but hadn't had (or wanted to have) a relationship, it seems. Her siblings were all settled with partners and DC.
She went ahead with the donor assisted conception and had a baby but sadly the child has a medical condition. It's a bit unusual I think but it affects their development.
I'm trying not to judge but the vibe I am getting is that she has not gotten the child she wanted, so is going ahead with a second donor assisted pregnancy.
It's sad on several levels. Principally for her existing child and but also for the one that is coming along soon. What will happen if this child is less than perfect in its mother's eyes too?

Well given the utterly shit blokes who are outed on here on a daily basis with many women ending up as default parents or single parents anyway, I say fair play to her for cutting out that bit! She wants a baby and doesn’t want to mess around for years hoping to find “the one”. Who might well turn out to be a wanker anyway.

If that has been her life experience so far then I can see why she might think it better and easier without a whining man-child under her feet.

But we’re not 50th are ago, and life has changed a lot since then - for a start, she may well be the only 23 year old mother she knows.

Adults are much “younger” than they were back when they basically turned into their own parents at the age of 21.

I don’t actually think having children young is a bad thing, I merely question that she hasn’t thought it through properly.

Why do you think having a child having a father guarantees them a dad?

I don't think it is sad at all. No need to judge her for it.

She will presumably need to work to finance some of her plans and be prepared to answer any questions a potential child may have in the future - assuring them that they are just as wanted and loved as other children.

I know a couple of single parents with no involved fathers for various reasons and there don't seem to be any issues so far. That's not to say that there never will be of course, but all appears OK for now.

If your niece does become pregnant then a bit of family support from those around her wherever she has settled will not go amiss.

The biggest problem I see with this is identity issues the child might have. Knowing where you are from is hugely important. I think that's where I'd be steering the conversation if she brought it up again

It’s not irrelevant at all. And she is no more selfish than you are short sighted and judgemental.

This sadly. She does sound like she may have issues or it may at least be worth her talking through with a professional to understand why she feels so strongly in this way.

She is very young. I thought I knew everything at 23 but in reality I knew nothing.

It’s her choice but her baby will still be shared with a childminder, school teachers, family etc. It may be an immature view or the result of trauma? 23 is young to make that decision but it is her life.

Also everyone on here pretending they had children for completely selfless reasons and not that they selfishly wanted to be parents 😂 Utter nonsense. Get over yourselves,

Surrogacy is it's own concern for me

But solo parenting, definitely not

This is truly what she wants; the best thing you can do is be supportive and let her know she has family she can rely on. Being a single parent won’t be easy, but plenty of people make it work and build loving, happy families in different ways.

All of that is irrelevant. She is incredibly selfish.

From what I remember lots of people batted lots of eyelids at Ronaldo doing it.

For good reasons.

You are not wrong, OP.

I had my first at 23 and am still in a happy and fulfilling marriage with their very active and involved father almost 17 years later. We have a great life and a thriving family so it’s possible.

I do however have a friend who is the sole parent to two dc via donor and I find it difficult to understand her choices. She has had periods of not being in the best health, physically and mentally and is now estranged from her parents. Her children are her world but in her case it is all about control and I wonder how things will play out for her when the dc are older. Her way wasn’t for me but we are all different

I wish my mother had chosen to deprive ME of the dubious pleasure of a father.

If we're well established I reckon we can take the risk of a few women with baby fever making the leap before age 25.

I’d have been better off doing it alone than with the absolutely useless dad my kids ended up with. In fact it would have been easier. And my kids would have missed the heartache and damage caused by him. She’s the smartest woman I’ve heard of in a long time and just because it’s not what you would chose, doesn’t mean she and her child can’t be blissfully happy.

I think it’s far more likely that the comment about a father is an excuse laid on top of her worries about never having children. It is a way of saying that she planned to do this anyway.

I actually think it sounds really sensible. Too many poor people are stuck in awful relationships cause the parent of their child is awful and they can’t face having to share kids with them and potentially put their kids in danger when not with them.

if I had my time again….

How are they being deprived of something they have never had? A happy child with a great mum is far superior to a child in a unhappy home or with a shit dad. I assume, therefore, that you wouldn't like them to have two mums either?

Yes, but we’re well established now aren’t we?

As someone with a small baby and a good, but not quite as helpful partner as I had hoped....fuck it, it would be easier in many ways. Like, yeah, it would be physically harder. But I also hadn't expected how hard my life would be, how easy the dad has it, and how much I'd resent that.

I have couples around me splitting up and it's awful on the children and the mothers. To have to let your child go to a useless Disney dad every few days is pretty hard.

But why is it great that she’s chosen to deprive this child of ever having a father?