To be sad about reasons behind niece’s choice

Unfortunately nobody puts children first these days - children are superimposed on whatever the parent(s) want(s) - and then lies are spun to reassure the parent that kids are resilient and divorce has no impact, that blended families are the stuff of dreams with benevolent step-parents looking kindly on the step-brood, that two mums and two dads are just what children need. That single parent by choice is the way to go. We normalise the abnormal, it became the stuff to be proud about, shove in people's faces and then watch them closely, to observe their natural reaction and accuse them of being 'not modern'.

Lots of people manage.

And? I know this is a discussion forum but why are your niece’s choices so important to you? She could do it “the traditional way” and her partner passes away or leaves, and still be in the same situation.

Exactly this. For me having to explain to my ds why his dad isn't in his life will probably be worse than what your neice will have to explain. Never mind the psychological impact we know exists for children going between multiple homes or navigating toxic co parenting situations.

Honestly, if I had my time over I would do it your nieces way.

My ExH bowed out and has had nothing to do with DD really since she was 7 weeks old. Single parent family by choice would have hurt her much less than knowing she has a Dad how there who doesn't give a toss about her.

Proper batshit responses on here. I think she sounds very sensible. Most men are assholes.

The woman who had a child at 35 and didn't know what it entailed? What? I had my first at 23, planned and very wanted, and knew exactly what it entailed.

As for the person who thinks it's a shame when educated women have babies - some of us are intelligent enough to do both ☺️

100%

In general men are not capable of the persistent and consistent input that is needed 24/7/365 that kids need or if they are capable of it, they simply choose to not do it. A lot choose to not even run their lives properly before kids are even on the horizon. I'm sure a lot of men say they want DC because they imagine it's going to be a bit Hollywood. The grunt work is rarely done by the man and if it is, it isn't done properly.

Without the man, she will know where her responsibilities lie 100% and no awful MIL either.

Do you think this sounds like a rationale choice?

23 is young. She is demonstrating her immaturity in her reasoning and what happened 50 years ago is irrelevant. We live in a different world.

I'm not sure I fully agree with this.

I'm a lone parent and it's hard but the idea of only seeing my ds half the week is devastating to me. I've always wanted to be a mother and to be present and involved in my child's life. I think it's incredibly unfair that a man could cheat on you and then you're left with your child half the time instead of being able to see them every day. Having to co parent with someone awful who uses your child as a weapon against you? Or where they have to go to another house for days on end where you know they won't be properly looked after?

My guess is she's seen enough cases where this happens that she's become disillusioned with relationships and thinks this is the best way to protect her future children as she knows she won't let them down.

I don't think that's selfish or treating the kids like they are toys. She's just being extremely pragmatic about it.

I do have issues with donor conception and I do think it's very problematic too but I can't fault her logic when half of marriages end in divorce and domestic abuse is rife.

I think this is a selfish choice and would think the same if she was 37. It’s depriving a child of half their heritage because you view them as a possession. But it’s her choice.

I was just coming here to say that

Her choice, but a sad one as she never knows what her future holds. I was a mum at 16, he is 31 now. Yes I did miss out on my youth, but guess now is my time to play catch up. No regrets for me but I was glad when my DD turned 17 last week and didn’t repeat my choice. It’s not what i’d choose for her.

Although I know many women who happily raised young children on their own after their relationship ended, the fathers paid adequate support. But I think your niece will be just fine without this support if she has just one child.

I think you’re completely right. I’d go as far as to say if it wasn’t for all women, especially since TikTok and YouTube shorts/fb videos sharing their experiences maybe at 23 this woman wouldn’t be as jaded but maybe this is a better alternative for women to be mothers and raise children happier and knowing what they’re getting instead of a partner, even long term one becoming an insufferable nightmare once they’ve become a father.
I saw a woman recently say “nobody fights harder for shared custody than a man who’s never done a bath time” and it really struck a chord with me, my DC’s father couldn’t have been any less helpful or any more selfish but he made it clear if I left him he’d want 50% custody.
I agreed to never make a CMS claim and he doesn’t even want DC on EoW but when he did have DC he was a colossal pain in the arse, from letting DC get so badly sunburned I had to leave work to take them a&e or the time he left DC in the pub and forgot him.
I wish I could say this was my fault for not knowing him long enough but I did, he had been a wonderful uncle to his nephews and terrific partner. The minute I had his child he became the most entitled monster. Sadly this isn’t a rare tale.

This. I thought I was so grown at 23 🤣🤣🤣 had my first (and only at 35) and it still knocked me for six just HOW much responsibility it would be.

There's a whole single/solo mothers/parents by choice community out there which I imagined she's engaged with. You only have to spend 5 minutes on the relationship board to see how easily men can leave and forget about their children.

Of course your niece might meet a partner but, like many people, she may not. Good luck to her.

I see posts on here literally every day where women are bemoaning their partners and ex-partners for sucking at coparenting- not picking kids up on time, buggering off to the gym instead of helping out, making selfish financial decisions etc, if not actually being downright abusive, which I see a lot too. I think choosing to solo parent can be a sane and wise decision for a lot of people if they have the means to do so.

I think 23 is very young though, and she should take her time and enjoy being young. Escpecially seeing as she is opting out of the pressure to date and find a man to start a family with, there is no rush.

I know five different women (from different parts of my life) who have had children as single mothers using donor sperm. Their children are happy, active, well-rounded.

I agree with a PP, if I had my time again…

Given some of the threads on here about lazy feckless men, I can see where she is coming from.

Also valid for her aunt to be sad about it. As long as this is not projected onto her niece's child when it comes along.

I can understand why you feel sad, so would I. Your niece might change her mind. Lots of people conceive babies with a fibroid, I'm sure she hasn't been told she is infertile but, as you say, she has other reasons; she is cynical about relationships.

The girl is still young and not yet in a position to make a home for herself, never mind a baby. A couple of years could make all the difference, especially if she fell for somebody really nice.

I wonder what has caused your niece's cynicism? We all know of broken marriages and relationships, step-parenting and its difficulties but there are many relationships that work well with both parties committed to their children's welfare. Something has influenced her.

Whatever, op, there's nothing you can do about it except be a friendly, nice aunt. I know little about the guidelines for donar conception but would imagine she'd be considered too young for a few years.

When people make bad choices they are opening themselves up for judgement.

I know what you mean in the sense that some children don’t have second parent around due to relationship breakdown and failure to co parent, or bereavement, or even because someone had donation as increasingly their only option. But your niece has said she would not be prepared to share a child which denying her potential child the chance to have two parents purely for her own selfish reasons. However if the health issue has come along at such a young age then I guess she may not have much choice anyway if she doesn’t have a partner. Could she freeze eggs to keep options open?

Will she be using donor eggs too?

I'm not against having children or denying the joy and love they bring or the fact that you can still pursue a great career. It's just that she's still very young. At 23 she's still got a lot of living and growing to do. Places to see, people to meet, things to experience and explore. I'm sorry but with the best will in the world, motherhood is the ultimate responsibility and it seems a shame to assume that role at such a relatively young age.

It is a valid choice and even sensible given that most relationships fail.