To be sad about reasons behind niece’s choice

Her body, her choice. And sorry, but most certainly not the business of an aunt she's not even particularly close to.

You know, the urge ran through me too like an express train but I resisted.

If only 'cos its still Lent.

A “doner” child? Are you sure she didn’t mean she fancied a kebab?

Is it really that different to a single person adopting ?

I always knew i wanted to be a Mummy, and if I hadn't met dh then I would have considered other ways of becoming one.

And you must be a lot closer than you think for her to tell you of her future hoped for plans.

I think it’s an unusual choice for a such a young woman. I could understand if she’s got to mid/late 30s and always wanted a baby but she’s very young to write off meeting a good man and having a solid relationship. She also doesn’t know for certain what will happen- she may meet someone when she’s older and potentially end up in a blender family.

There is no guarantee. However there is more than a 0% chance.

No, they really aren’t.

But I’ll ask you the same question I asked another poster.

Why do you think that a child having a father means that the child is guaranteed to have a dad?

I was busy raising children at that age who have been very well cared for and grown into fantastic young adults.

Same for this well educated woman here too. I think it's a shame that some people don't recognise the value of being a mother and the joy it can bring or just that human connections are worth so much more than a career.

All those saying it’s a “wise” choice- are you aware that studies show boys do better with a father/strong male influence in their lives?

from her pov it may be a good choice, but what about the child?

if she has a boy, he will grow up and learn that his mum actively chose to not give him a paternal relationship, and basically that she thinks men are pointless, good for their sperm and that’s it.

i grew up without a father. Yes it does make an impact. Even if you know he had no choice not to be there you wonder what he was like, your genetics, what your life would be like. Every man you pass in the street you look at and wonder. You wonder if he knew would he want to be in your life.

increasingly as well medical info is based on familial history.

She sounds very sensible. Be happy that she's putting a lot of thought into her future.

I know a few young single mums who are bringing up a child with lovely lifestyle.
it’s her decision not really going to affect you.

She’s 23. Her frontal cortex hasn’t fully developed yet. That is ridiculous, women have given birth young for centuries, married by 20.

I had my first child at 35 and I had no real grasp of what I was letting myself in for.
Having your first baby at any age is a life changing experience and something that you can't prepare for, at 23 or 35.

I personally wish I had done the same and say fair play to her.

I had my beautiful DC young, they are perfect and we’re so close… but the years I spent with their father fighting and abusing me every step of the way while trying to coparent i would absolutely wipe out of my past altogether.

I absolutely congratulate her.

Brilliant post, and I say this as a long-term married woman with two DCs!!

Us boomers have been called “Late-Victorians” because of the huge importance we place on marriage and families, but the world (ok, women) is now waking up to alternatives that are just as valid and maybe, dare I say it, better.

It's certainly a theory @Shoezembagsforever when you think about it its a bit silly to think there is no impact to women having children about 10 years later than 2 generations ago, any trend in human development that coincides the timeline has got to be a possible consequence of this.

Good for her, a LOT of men are useless at best and abusive at worst once children come along. Then there’s the trauma of having to go back and forward to different houses and step parents. I have step parents I adore and I have my own stepchildren, do I think split homes are good for them? Definitely not and unfortunately step parents can also be abusive, your niece is choosing to take the chance of that happening out of the equation.

Knowing what I know now, I think she is bloody sensible.

Cripes. I don’t want to derail this (important) thread, but that’s eye-opening.

Most women I know, including me, had DCs after 35 so I wonder if this has caused the huge surge in ADHD?

You say this like its something new. All children are here because of their parents wants/needs. Going back even 70/80 years and we had 7, 8, 9 kids in two bedrooms with parents and little means to support. It's swings and roundabouts

I had my first of 4 at 23 and personally think DH and I did a great job raising them all. My eldest is now a fully functioning, funny, kind and happy adult even though he was a complete accident that we put zero thought into conceiving. OP's niece has at least thought this all through. 23 year olds are really not all the same.

As some that had two parents I know but one was a POS, I could happily live life with just the one that cared about me (and I basically did, however if he didn't exist I wouldn't have dealt with cruelty of being reminded he actively wished I didn't exist).

There is absoloutly nothing wrong with having one loving parent that went out of their way to have you and thought through the implication of raising you alone and loving you fully.

there are people who have 2 married nuclear family style parents who didn't actually want them (oops baby) and put career and social live before their child leaving them to pretty much raise themselves from a young age. But hey they must be better off because TWO people didn't give much of a shit about them right?

I thinks it's a bit sad too but find it hard to articulate why exactly. She seems very young to have decided that she will remain single. If she were older and had not met the right person I'd say fair enough but it seems like she doesn't want a relationship at all, ever. That in itself is sad. I'd also be concerned about her motives, wanting to not share her child implies to me that she is very controlling and sees this future little human as her possession. I think many, many women are too controlling regarding their children so she isn't alone there but there will be no one to balance it against.

They really aren’t the same things at all.

Ditto.