Page 2 | Why get engaged if no plans to marry in the foreseeable future?

SpringMonx · 2025-04-03T13:05:01+00:00

Just that really. I've noticed a large amount of couples recently, the majority being in their mid to late 20's who have got engaged but actually have no plans to marry anytime soon whatsoever. Few examples: - work colleagues son got engaged Summer last year but they're currently renting with no savings and no plans to marry for a number of years. - family friend has been engaged (since they were 24) and have been for over 10 years now and have had 2 kids in that time. - cousin recently got engaged (27), they have little savings and went to view venues but thought it was all too expensive and not going to make any plans now as they can't afford it. There are countless other stories I've heard as well. I'm not against marriage at all, but I don't understand these young couples who get engaged with no money or stability behind them and then moan it's too expensive and just carry on living the way they are with no intentions that I can see of savings towards getting married, or even contemplating doing it on the cheap? What is actually the point? All just seems a tad daft if you ask me!

CatrionaBalfour · 03/04/2025 16:07

Namechange3004 · 03/04/2025 16:05

Its a strange one.
My (ex?) Husband - i say that although we are still legally married has been engaged to his partner for coming on 10 years now and he still has not started divorce proceedings yet. Not sure how i would feel about that tbh

Now I'm going to say that's a little strange? Do you think he's dragging his heels for a reason?

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 16:06

SpringMonx · 03/04/2025 15:57

I'm not personally getting concerned though? It's just something I've noticed recently and wondered what other people's thoughts are.

I was chatting to my colleague earlier about her son's engagement which was last June and she said 'oh nothing they have no plans' and that was it. Just prompted me to think about it as I've come to realise that actually that's not an unusual thing these days to hear, as in to get engaged but then to have no plans to marry.

I personally just find that quite odd, you don't have to get aggy with me if you don't agree, I don't mind if you don't agree!

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I’m not aggy in the slightest. I just had no idea people were so nosey.

Several people have explained their reasons now though for having long engagements. Do you still think it’s odd? Or are we just going to let people live their life.

Namechange3004 · 03/04/2025 16:05

Its a strange one.
My (ex?) Husband - i say that although we are still legally married has been engaged to his partner for coming on 10 years now and he still has not started divorce proceedings yet. Not sure how i would feel about that tbh

Longma · 03/04/2025 15:59

Most important - especially if people live together, share income, buy property and especially if they have children - is that bith parties know that an engagement has no legal bearing and means nothing if you then split up, or one of you dies.

You need to have a will and/or other legal documents in place to protect yourself.

CatrionaBalfour · 03/04/2025 15:58

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:56

Where was harm mentioned? It’s not harmful, but it’s bizarre to me why people care so much.

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Well, I don't think it's bizarre, either. Whatever you do, don't go on any of the toilet brush threads or questions about having a seperate evening wedding do!
Those get very intense 😄!

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 03/04/2025 15:58

I agree, OP. 'Engaged' is short for 'Engaged to be married'. All it means is you've agreed to get married. Engagement and marriage aren't two entirely separate types of relationship. The one is simply a precursor to the other!

Original poster

SpringMonx · 03/04/2025 15:57

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:52

I find it very difficult to get exercised about the choices people make in their private lives that are not harmful and that have nothing to do with me or my family. Such as when/where/how they decide to get married, or whether do at all.

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I'm not personally getting concerned though? It's just something I've noticed recently and wondered what other people's thoughts are.

I was chatting to my colleague earlier about her son's engagement which was last June and she said 'oh nothing they have no plans' and that was it. Just prompted me to think about it as I've come to realise that actually that's not an unusual thing these days to hear, as in to get engaged but then to have no plans to marry.

I personally just find that quite odd, you don't have to get aggy with me if you don't agree, I don't mind if you don't agree!

OP posts:

BumbleBeegu · 03/04/2025 15:57

HerbieFluffyDumpling · 03/04/2025 14:11

We didn't bother getting engaged, I couldn't see the point, we just got married.

A colleague has been engaged for 15 years and her DP doesn't want to get married, as he's been married before, so why get engaged? 🤔

My friend is in the same position…they’ve been engaged for 16 years. I’ve no skin in the game and really don’t care, but an engagement is traditionally meant to indicate a couples intention to marry. So if you have zero intention to marry, then just live together, surely?

In my friend’s case, he ‘proposed’ after an ultimatum was issued by her…’either you propose or we are over’. They had been together 6 years by this point and she really wanted to get married, but he didn’t. The ‘engagement’ means nothing…he still won’t get married 🤷‍♀️

CatrionaBalfour · 03/04/2025 15:57

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:54

You missed out the second part of my comment. The amount of people on here opining on when and how people should marry is truly bizarre. Fine, have an opinion on how you organise your own relationship but truly being bothered about other people’s personal life choices is odd.

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What's the problem? You don't like their opinion, ignore it. I'm sure that you're an intelligent, functioning adult woman and you'll make your decisions that suit you. It's fine. People just want to join in the chat, I don't think anyone has been rude or personal?

Longma · 03/04/2025 15:56

I think for some people it’s just a stage in their relationship, and for some it can be a long process.
It wasn’t what dh and I wanted, we got engaged after 6-7 years and married about 18 months later.

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:56

CatrionaBalfour · 03/04/2025 15:55

This ⬆️.
It's just a discussion, no one is being harmed!

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Where was harm mentioned? It’s not harmful, but it’s bizarre to me why people care so much.

Hazyjinty · 03/04/2025 15:56

We are in our fifties, not living together but engaged with no plans to marry, he suggested getting engaged two years ago, my mum was near end of life and he knew it was important to her to see me settled, we only told immediate family members and I choose an alternative ring. It just feels important to have the commitment, not really sure why but it works for us

Mylegishangingoff · 03/04/2025 15:55

CatrionaBalfour · 03/04/2025 15:39

Who is "joyless" on here? People have different opinions, that's all.

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The people calling a promise made out of love between a couple pointless, embarrassing, all for social media, meaningless, daft etc.

CatrionaBalfour · 03/04/2025 15:55

SpringMonx · 03/04/2025 15:50

Everyone has opinions on everything though! It's called being a human being. I'm sure every single person, including you, has at one point in their life had an opinion on what someone is doing, even if it doesn't affect you personally? It doesn't make people bad, it just makes people different. Hence asking what people's opinions were on this, and judging by the poll, it's very varied indeed.

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This ⬆️.
It's just a discussion, no one is being harmed!

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:54

CatrionaBalfour · 03/04/2025 15:52

Weird to have an opinion? This thread is full of opinions. It's an opinion based site. Anyone can have any opinion they like on another's life choices. Mostly we wouldn't share them in real life, because who wants to be that person, but on MN? No talk guidelines broken, it's just a chat.

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You missed out the second part of my comment. The amount of people on here opining on when and how people should marry is truly bizarre. Fine, have an opinion on how you organise your own relationship but truly being bothered about other people’s personal life choices is odd.

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:52

SpringMonx · 03/04/2025 15:50

Everyone has opinions on everything though! It's called being a human being. I'm sure every single person, including you, has at one point in their life had an opinion on what someone is doing, even if it doesn't affect you personally? It doesn't make people bad, it just makes people different. Hence asking what people's opinions were on this, and judging by the poll, it's very varied indeed.

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I find it very difficult to get exercised about the choices people make in their private lives that are not harmful and that have nothing to do with me or my family. Such as when/where/how they decide to get married, or whether do at all.

CatrionaBalfour · 03/04/2025 15:52

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:47

Weird to have an opinion on someone else’s life choice that has absolutely no impact on you whatsoever and isn’t harming anyone.

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Weird to have an opinion? This thread is full of opinions. It's an opinion based site. Anyone can have any opinion they like on another's life choices. Mostly we wouldn't share them in real life, because who wants to be that person, but on MN? No talk guidelines broken, it's just a chat.

BoredZelda · 03/04/2025 15:52

for a lot of people, it's now pretty meaningless and is literally just a man buying his partner a pretty ring usually followed by showing off on social media.

🙄 This nonsense needs to stop. People don’t make life decisions just for social media fgs.

I agree with a pp that it's embarrassing when people use the term "fiancé/fiancée" for their boyfriend/girlfriend of 10 plus years.
My brother was engaged for 15 years before they set a date. His relationship has lasted far longer than the one with the woman he met and married and divorced over 5 years. Why should he have been embarrassed to be using fiancée?

I know some people see it as a sign of commitment but I don't understand that. All it does is show people that your boyfriend likes you enough to buy you a nice ring. If it's not backed up with a date to get married then it doesn't really mean anything.

I’m sorry your relationships have been so bad in the past.

TheBlueRobin · 03/04/2025 15:51

My mum's best friend is still engaged to her fiance - after 50 years together. Very happy together and just never got around to it.

Another friend of mine got engaged in her early 20s. She thought they'd have to get married so she could stay in the UK. That wasn't the case. They are very happy together but wanted to avoid all the drama and awkwardness with bringing two families together from far away who can't speak the same language.

BashfulClam · 03/04/2025 15:50

It took us 10 years to get up the aisle, we’re both quite list but we both lost our fathers, we moved house twice then we eloped and just did it. DH has social anxiety so wanted to just go to a registry office, the we thought about wanting a photographer and I wanted a wedding dress (i always have as I’m really girly). We found the prefect wee place went there, get supplies witnesses and we got married on a Scottish beach.

Original poster

SpringMonx · 03/04/2025 15:50

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:47

Weird to have an opinion on someone else’s life choice that has absolutely no impact on you whatsoever and isn’t harming anyone.

Show quote history

Everyone has opinions on everything though! It's called being a human being. I'm sure every single person, including you, has at one point in their life had an opinion on what someone is doing, even if it doesn't affect you personally? It doesn't make people bad, it just makes people different. Hence asking what people's opinions were on this, and judging by the poll, it's very varied indeed.

OP posts:

WaterMonkey · 03/04/2025 15:50

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:47

Weird to have an opinion on someone else’s life choice that has absolutely no impact on you whatsoever and isn’t harming anyone.

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It is all feeling a bit ‘gatekeepy’, isn’t it?

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:48

PerkyGreenCat · 03/04/2025 15:38

I think engagement has a different meaning nowadays. For some people, it's still an "engaged to be married in the near future" meaning but for a lot of people, it's now pretty meaningless and is literally just a man buying his partner a pretty ring usually followed by showing off on social media.

I agree with a pp that it's embarrassing when people use the term "fiancé/fiancée" for their boyfriend/girlfriend of 10 plus years.

Life happens and there's always going to be a job loss, unexpected pregnancy, etc but if you're engaged to be married, you just book the registry office and get married. If you can't be arsed, then it's fine to not be engaged and stay in the relationship.

I know some people see it as a sign of commitment but I don't understand that. All it does is show people that your boyfriend likes you enough to buy you a nice ring. If it's not backed up with a date to get married then it doesn't really mean anything.

I don’t want to book a registry office. I want to a big wedding with both sides of mine and DP’s family there, which involves people travelling half way around the world. Is that ok?

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:47

CatrionaBalfour · 03/04/2025 15:39

Who is "joyless" on here? People have different opinions, that's all.

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Weird to have an opinion on someone else’s life choice that has absolutely no impact on you whatsoever and isn’t harming anyone.

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:45

MichaelandKirk · 03/04/2025 15:25

I got engaged and then married a year later however my personal view is that people are barmy to have children and THEN get married. Surely that is the wrong way round. And dont get me started on people who dont do wills either, have children and are not married.

They are massively exposed and whatever you think about marriage it gives you financial benefits that you really dont get if you arent.

My relative has a complex situation whereby she was living in another country with her boyfriend (who she called her common law husband!). He had children from previous relationships. She never didnt have any. No wills - just nothing. She then came into some inheritance and that pushed her into sorting herself out.

When I talked to her she seemed to assume that because she had been with her partner for nearly 30 years if the worst happen she would just keep everything and vice versa.

Why is it the wrong way round? I was 35 when I got pregnant and we weren’t married. What should I have done? Shot gun wedding? Aborted the baby? It wasn’t wrong for me at all. And I’ve got a second one on the way, also unmarried. Pass the smelling salts!