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Original poster

Medical costs for step daughter's son

378 replies

redwhitegreen · 03/04/2025 11:28

I’ve NC for this.

DH has a daughter (let’s call her Jane), they’ve never had a brilliant relationship, she treats him like dirt to be honest, but he always goes along with it, just to maintain contact.

Jane and her husband have a son (let’s call him Sam). He is pre-school age, he’s seen specialists and its become clear he has medical problems. There’s no cure, various therapies are available, none of them proven, and of course steps can always be taken to improve day-to-day life (and that’s as specific as I’m prepared to be, in case the Daily Mail gets hold of this).

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost. DH is keen to help as much as possible. And here is the issue: DH and I are approaching retirement. We have saved hard for this, and have plans. We have comparable jobs and have both contributed fairly equally to our joint finances and savings. So how much of this, if any, should we be sacrificing? I know a child with health issues is a very emotive subject, but I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m not sure if I want to donate chunks of my retirement fund to a fairly unpleasant woman (or even delay one or both of our retirements) when she also has a mother (who never contributes towards anything) and of course her husband (Sam’s father) also has parents.

I expect to be criticised for posting this. But if anyone can be constructive, please reply.

OP posts:
redphonecase · 04/04/2025 22:32

Stem cells for autism or some other such quackery? If it's really nonsense then I wouldn't be contributing and that might be a deal breaker for my relationship if my husband insisted on doing so in a way that changed our retirement plans etc.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 04/04/2025 22:22

redwhitegreen · 03/04/2025 11:46

I don’t think they need to completely plunder their savings in order to be helpful here, either. Maybe just agree an amount that all the grandparents contribute and stand firm on it?

I had wondered about this. However I know DH's ex won't help, as she feels DH should pay for everything, and Jane's husbands parents are very unlikely to have any spare cash

Regretfully in this case then you do need to secure your assets so that DH cant keep taking a bit here and there which adds up. It is good advice to set a budget (across all the wider families) but you need to ensure that it can be stuck to. ie DH cant go behind your back and use joint assets.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 04/04/2025 22:09

MuffinsOrCake · 04/04/2025 20:25

Also: don't you actually need legal NHS permission to take such a child abroad for treatment <???>

No.

Not unless there are very specific and extreme circumstances, such as being on life support equipment and the child's doctors considering it dangerous to attempt transport. The OP gives no indication that might be the case here. Rather the contrary.

CarolinaWren · 04/04/2025 22:08

Mwydryn · 03/04/2025 11:46

I'd have a mature and sensitive conversation with him, and split your savings so that you can protect yours and he can do what he likes with his. I do feel for him, but I'd feel like you do I think.

What happens then? He's spent his retirement savings on snake oil "cures" and has nothing left to live on. You know he'll expect her to split her half of the retirement savings with him when he retires.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 04/04/2025 22:01

I don't see why you should be expected to contribute anything at all. Like you say, he has four actual grandparents to pay for this. But you have to accept that your partner can and will spend as much of his own spare money as he chooses.

Unless he's expecting you to stump up your own money to supplement him in his share of joint household costs or retirement plans then you don't have any grounds for complaint.

Hwi · 04/04/2025 21:43

MeridianB · 04/04/2025 21:38

@Hwi I agree! But the fact that Jane is seriously considering it at all makes me think they would all ‘need’ to go. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry, you are absolutely right!

farmlife2 · 04/04/2025 21:42

BarbieGirlInABarbieWorld · 04/04/2025 21:38

If I were you I would be concerned about the welfare of this child being subjected to experimental treatments that not only have no proven therapeutic value, if it is autism as I suspect from your posts, may actually cause additional harm to this poor boy. On that principle alone I’d not be contributing one red cent.

This. And imagine growing up and coming to the realisation that your mother thought you were in need of fixing, rather than accepting you as you are? Needing supports is one thing, trying to 'fix' them to be someone else is another.

BarbieGirlInABarbieWorld · 04/04/2025 21:38

If I were you I would be concerned about the welfare of this child being subjected to experimental treatments that not only have no proven therapeutic value, if it is autism as I suspect from your posts, may actually cause additional harm to this poor boy. On that principle alone I’d not be contributing one red cent.

MeridianB · 04/04/2025 21:38

@Hwi I agree! But the fact that Jane is seriously considering it at all makes me think they would all ‘need’ to go. 🤷‍♀️

TaggieO · 04/04/2025 21:37

Is it by any chance autism, and it’s one of the quack clinics in America….?

Advocodo · 04/04/2025 21:34

I haven’t read all the posts but people can get really desperate and try any treatment at any cost for their child! Lots of the time it’s not a proven therapy’s and therefore a waste of money.

farmlife2 · 04/04/2025 21:32

Survivingnotthriving24 · 04/04/2025 19:40

Reading between the lines it sounds like he's autistic? I'd be clear with your DH that any "treatments" are scams and could potentially harm this child. Could you float the idea of paying for some therapy for his daughter to help her come to terms with the diagnosis and work out how she'll cope going forward?

That's where my mind went. In that case, I'd help fund therapy for Jane to come to terms with it. I'd also be concerned about what approach the therapy is using and how the child might experience it, if they went ahead.

Hwi · 04/04/2025 21:25

MeridianB · 04/04/2025 20:55

Just RTFT and it’s very material that there is no recognised treatment and this is not a life-threatening condition.

With this in mind, I’d tell your DH to wait until Jane has done all the research she needs and then he will understand more. In other words, it’s unlikely Jane will be able to come up with any meaningful information to support the need for overseas treatment and the issue will disappear (hopefully).

If he’s determined to give her money anyway, I’d point out that he’s effectively expecting you to subsidise the shortfall it creates and so needs to have more discussion between you. Because it sounds like Jane will be back for more cash, especially as she will need to fund flights for three and hotels on top of quack fees.

As an aside, I think it does matter that she treats your DH poorly and also that her own mother has opted out of any financial support for her.

Flights for 3? Why? If it goes ahead, no need to 2 adults to fly out - one adult and a child - flights for 3 would be a piss-take.

Trishyb10 · 04/04/2025 21:07

Give a one off lump sum that wont break the bank, make it clear its the best you can do x

Onceisenoughta · 04/04/2025 21:01

I agree with your commitment to your retirement, not everyone makes it that far and why shouldn't you have plans for how you'd like to spend that time and when.

Just because everyone else in the equation of 'family' thinks DH is the bad man, I'm sure you know the bigger picture and have stuck firmly to what you & DH want out of life rather than succumbing to what others might think.

I think you've already said that DIL hasn't approached DH re funding so therefore you're just imagining what's coming? Has DIL's attitude changed towards you both since the little-one's health issues have unfolded - that's what to watch out for.

MeridianB · 04/04/2025 20:55

Just RTFT and it’s very material that there is no recognised treatment and this is not a life-threatening condition.

With this in mind, I’d tell your DH to wait until Jane has done all the research she needs and then he will understand more. In other words, it’s unlikely Jane will be able to come up with any meaningful information to support the need for overseas treatment and the issue will disappear (hopefully).

If he’s determined to give her money anyway, I’d point out that he’s effectively expecting you to subsidise the shortfall it creates and so needs to have more discussion between you. Because it sounds like Jane will be back for more cash, especially as she will need to fund flights for three and hotels on top of quack fees.

As an aside, I think it does matter that she treats your DH poorly and also that her own mother has opted out of any financial support for her.

MuffinsOrCake · 04/04/2025 20:25

Also: don't you actually need legal NHS permission to take such a child abroad for treatment <???>

MuffinsOrCake · 04/04/2025 20:22

Eastern Europe and South America for healthcare. Right. Tell Jane she is taking the micky

AlwaysCoffee25 · 04/04/2025 20:20

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/04/2025 11:42

I wouldn’t want my hard earned money being spent on unevidenced quackery even if I really liked her. What sort of thing is she considering?

Is it something DH really wants to fund or is it divorced dad guilt speaking?

This.

GoldPoster · 04/04/2025 20:11

The chances of these treatments working are zero, there are a lot of scammers out there preying on the vulnerable. I would not contribute anything, it’s just a complete waste of.

GrumpyWombat · 04/04/2025 20:08

If it’s autism that isn’t a medical condition….

Yourcatisnotsorry · 04/04/2025 20:03

In my circumstance if I thought the treatment would help the child I would pay it (jointly since I’d assume you feel this is your grandchild too if you’ve been with your DG a while and at retirement any money would be joint money and affect you anyway).

Your SD probably has a difficult relationship with her father because he left her. She probably felt abandoned and unprioritised. Regardless of the cause of the split, if he didn’t live with her it’s very difficult for children not to feel resentment towards the absent parent.

BruFord · 04/04/2025 19:54

@Griff1963 I understand what you’re saying about him wanting to help his grandson but as the OP says, it is important to also ensure that they’re financially secure in their retirement, or it could actually cause her DH’s daughters issues in the future.

I say this because DH’s BIL ( married to one of his sisters) has felt obliged to financially support his parents in their retirement, as they don’t have enough put by. His siblings have also contributed, but according to his wife, he’s given the most by far and she’s told me that she’s not exactly happy about it. No idea of the exact amount, but it’s thousands.

This isn’t a cultural expectation, they literally don’t have enough.

The OP and her DH definitely don’t want to be in this situation in the future, it won’t help his daughters and grandson if they are.

Getitoffmychest · 04/04/2025 19:50

Stem cell therapy for autism ? In which case it's a scam

MrsFruitbat · 04/04/2025 19:48

It would also be completely reasonable to ask your GP or even the child's Consultant privately and briefly what his /her thoughts were on this presumably expensive treatment . I am sure they would be happy to share their thoughts .