Medical costs for step daughter's son

This may be a wild hunch but I wonder if your GC suffers with extreme challenging behaviour/ severe autism or similar?

My DD does and I know there are loads of US sites offering therapies, swimming with dolphins etc. which we also considered when DD was younger but never went further than that.

I now know, many years later, it would have been a complete waste of money as, after a battle, the NHS finally agreed to genetic testing - had I known how relatively low the cost would have been for this we would have willingly paid for this in the UK years ago 🙄. Turns out our DD has an extremely rare gene mutation so any of these expensive therapies would have proved useless.

If it is anything to do with the child's brain, OP, I feel your SD would be much wiser pushing for genetic testing instead before going on, what sounds like, a wild goose chase.

Sorry if the issue is not neurological but thought it may be worth a mention.

Assuming that it’s legitimate treatment he would be receiving abroad, your DH owes this to his child and grandchild.

I'd just say the money is not for the daughter, but for the child.

Is the treatment a one off that will provide long term relief of is it an ongoing treatment required for life?

Could you set up a Go Fund Me or something along those lines and offer a donation to kick start it, that way you're not making a rod for your own backs, just one donation and done. It could even be deducted from any future inheritance.

Desperate as she may be none of this treatment is proven and as its not a life threatening condition I'd be inclined to say no.

If having done some research and there's no evidence that it works I think your DH's DD is being selfish in asking you to hand over money that you've put aside for your own retirement.

None of this treatment is proven, had it of been my DC and i knew it had a good percentage of working I'd take out a loan myself rather than expecting others to waste their savings on quack Drs and their unproven treatments.

Chances are "as that one hasn't worked well try this"....
Then where will the bills stop.

Sounds like you need a serious conversation with your husband OP. It’s sad because it involves an innocent child but you could easily spend your entire retirement fund on therapies that have little impact. If your husband wants to delay his retirement, or contribute funds from his pension, you can’t stop him, but you aren’t obliged to do the same.

What the other grandparents contribute is irrelevant.

How are your wills set up? When you both die, does she get the shared estate?

Ashya King? I believe this case resulted in the NHS making proton therapy treatment available in the UK (if I remember correctly). His mum was arrested in Spain, I seem to recall.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashya_King_case

Has she actually asked for money or is this your husband guilt tripping himself and assuming an expectation on her part? I wouldn’t offer without being asked. Other considerations:

1. I would be VERY wary of bold claims made in unregulated fields in other countries. I would feel responsible if I funded s as nothing that might cause harm.
2. mad it’s a lifelong non-life threatening issue, I wouldn’t rush to contribute now. I’d wait and see how things go. It sounds like the diagnosis is fairly new and the child is still very young. In 5 or 10 years there might be more important things to contribute towards.
3. You don’t mention any other children or grandchildren, but as you never know what the future holds, I would only give an amount I could give equally to all. That would include both his children and your children.

The NHS is shockingly behind many other countries for a large number of treatments, so I think you'd be wrong to encourage anyone to just take the word of UK consultants as gospel. That being said, there are unscrupulous people out there who would take advantage of parents who would do anything to help their child. So rather than encourage anyone to just stick with what's available within their own limited borders, I would encourage them to thoroughly research all options and ask these overseas clinics for their evidence-based research results. I'd also look into whether there are clinical trials the child would be eligible for, as sometimes they will pay expenses for parents and children who have to travel internationally for treatment.

But the above is all for the child's parents to decide. You are in a very awkward position. I can't imagine not giving my child whatever I could to help ease their child's suffering. That may be what your DH is feeling. It is ok for you not to feel the same, and to worry about your joint future - financial and otherwise. But if my partner tried to control what I did with my money or how I managed the relationship with my adult child, they wouldn't stay my partner.

All you can do is have honest conversations with your DH about what type of support you're willing to provide - and remember that this doesn't have to be financial, even if this is what your step daughter has asked for. If it is financial help you agree to provide, discuss how much you can both spare before it would tip you into whatever you feel is an unacceptable level. It would be unfair, for example, for him to spend all his savings and then expect that your savings would be used to support you both in retirement. Medical costs are extortionate no matter where you are, and chronic conditions often have co-morbidities, making those costs multiply swiftly, with no end in sight. I think it's important for your DH to realise that and for him to have that sort of discussion with his daughter - that he can provide some funding support, but he doesn't have a bottomless pit, so they all need to work together to agree where to spend what's available so that it has the best long-term impact. It's hard to suggest where that may be without knowing the condition, but it may be regular physiotherapy or occupational therapy, for example.

If the condition is non-life threatening, unproven and your step-daughter is rude then no, I wouldn’t want to contribute. I think you are entitled to feel the way you do.

Depending on the severity of the condition, the likelihood of the treatment working and the amount she is asking for, I think it would be reasonable for your DH to tell Jane that the two of you will match whatever her mother (and stepfather if there is one) puts up.

If they’re going abroad, it suggests that private providers in the UK don’t offer the treatment and nor does the NHS. If UK private clinics don’t offer it, I’d want to know why, it won’t be because of the budgetary constraints that apply to the NHS. Medicine in many countries is not governed by the strict rules that apply here and clinics can make unevidenced claims that wouldn’t be allowed here. I’d do some severe googling before parting with any cash, starting with finding independent evidence that the treatment works.

I would be very sceptical of any treatments not approved by the EMA or FDA. I guess what your DH decides to do is up to him at the end of the day, as long as he understands that he only has his half of your joint retirement savings at his disposal and you will not be funding his retirement.

I don't know that i could personally allow my feeling for the mother let me see the child be disadvantaged if I had the means .without knowing the condition it's hard to help but there are several childrens charities that could maybe offer some assistance have a look at family fund.
Also find out if these therapy's are available through the nhs/ school ?

I wouldn’t be generous to someone foul to me, to be honest, at the cost of your own future,

Hmmm, how much money we talking about here?

Don't these things even themselves out over the course of a long term relationship? Sometimes one partner spends a bit more than another and then something else will come up and the other partner will spend a bit more?

Just as a step parent is usually painted as the wicked witch of the west on MN! Whatever decisions the OP's husband takes should not involved the OP's potential retirement standard of living being diminished, her pension, savings etc should be treated as hers and hers alone.

I wouldn't give her money to blow on quackery. If there's a treatment with suitable evidence or a respectable clinical trial that would be different. I understand that she must be desperate, but throwing your money away on quacks isn't going to help.

And within that meta analysis there will be centres playing around with this protocol, but without following the Riordan approach to the letter and at the levels they recommend. I can literally sit here pulling apart the meta analysis.

What is the diagnosis OP?
I’m curious when you say not life threatening
if we knew perhaps we could help..
for instance my son has severe verbal dyspraxia. The same condition as Chris Kamara.. I know Chris Kamara has gone across to Mexico etc for treatment for this- although not proven it helps..
whatever the case, I hope the child gets the help he needs.

This is exactly my opinion too. No one here is unreasonable

If the treatment is stem cells - I’d be very sceptical. There are some countries who offer treatment with no evidence at all that it’s effective.

When it happens you become somewhat obsessed with trying to fix it. As a mother I can’t explain the grief and pain, eventually she will realise she can’t. But it could take years, years of researching, obsessively searching for the answer to try to rewind the card that’s been dealt.

How you support now will forever leave a mark, it’s up you how you do that. I know to you it’s about the money but it’s not really about the money.

I think a compromise would be an agreed amount between you and Dh which could be set aside to go towards treatment rather than paying in full.

Wasn't there a famous case sometime back about parents who wanted to take their kid abroad for treatment that was not available on the NHS ?

I think I would try to look at the situation logically. Firstly how much does the treatment cost and is it a "medical expert" treatment or an "alternative" treatment.

If the treatment is incredibly costly and you can only realistically contribute a small amount what is the chance the rest of the money can be raised ? In this case if the larger amount cannot be raised then it would be pointless making the contribution.

It is not an enviable situation to be in though, very difficult to make the choice of your own future security against a treatment that is expensive and may/may not be successful.