To ask if anyone has any experience of DC moving away for college (not uni)

Not sure how happy I’d feel giving my son such responsibility for his teen brother. Seems very unfair to put that on him

You really have spent considerable time convincing yourself that you moving for your DH’s job is a GOOD thing and indeed fabulous for your DS

Why would the op do that when this isn’t boarding school

most odd

Don’t do this. My in-laws did this to my DH and the abandonment still impacts him 40 years later. Stay at home with him, your DH can manage without you, your son can’t.

Where people are much more blase about living in the same country as their children than most parents are

You'll pay for accommodation, food etc, well that's mighty good of you!

The reality is OP that he might be fine he might enjoy the independence etc BUT there are so many things that could go wrong that he just wouldn’t have the maturity to deal with.

Add to that the impact on your relationship longer term and weigh that up.

Saying it’s his idea and he’s all for it etc is a bit disingenuous- he wants it as an alternative to upending his life and moving away from everything and everyone he knows.

@AmpleDenimDreamer you have posted in aibu. You will get little in the way of targeted replies.

Ask Mumsnet to withdraw this thread and start a new thread in the Boarding School section.

You have left him overnight and are now considering just leaving him for nights on end....................Good God OP!

So you are doing this for his own benefit?
Ok

I moved country to do my A-levels (my parents stayed in my home country), this also involved a change in language of instruction. I had no family or friends in the new country, so the school and halls of residence were responsible for all pastoral care. The first few days were difficult and I can still remember how homesick and lonely I felt. But then I made friends and settled into school and it was completely brilliant.

And yes, it did wonders for my independence and maturity. With a bit of guidance from the school team and the senior students, I learned how to deal with visa renewals, get student travel passes for my commute to school, buy/plan/cook meals, live in a shared flat, budget for shopping/fun/going out, party at weekends in a sensible manner, book and travel home independently for the school holidays, got myself a temp job to save for uni...

But you will be running two households as you'll be paying for ds accommodation and regular flights to visit.

Can't you get a small two bedroom place for you and ds, and your DH fly over to visit you both?

Of course your ds thinks it's a great idea, doesn't mean it is.
Kids think it's a great idea to eat ice cream and sweets all day but we don't let them.

He still needs parenting which is going to be almost impossible if you're not there.

So you’re prioritising rental income over the welfare of your child. Nice.

And if he can’t he shouldn’t be going

My BIL was actually left in similar circumstances like this - with my DH, his older brother as support.

It was superficially fine - he coped ok, nothing dire happened. But what I would say is that he still - and he is now 40 - talks about having felt abandoned and I don't think his relationship with his parents has ever fully recovered from it. DH was older so doesn't feel it as strongly but there's still an element of feeling this way.

I really would think more about you staying behind until your DS starts university and go long distance with your DH until then.

It is worrying to me that you seem to consider it more reasonable for your DS to be alone than your DH

Your DH is an adult, that is capable of holding down a job, here and abroad, yet cannot phone an ambulance if his health deteriorates...............right ............

Then your dh shouldn’t accept the job

so you’re going out there to support your DH

rather than being present for your teen son

I think it depends on the kid. I would have been fine (thrived, even) - I moved out of my mum's when I was still at sixth form anyway and I was a generally independent kid who liked my own company and was capable in emergencies/good at sorting myself out.

But what's your son like? Can he handle when things go wrong, or if he's feeling really ill and won't have an adult around, and will he be likely to get his college work done without parental supervision? Does he know what to do in emergencies (can't get home from a party very late at night, can't access his bank for some reason and has no access to money, stuff like that)? Is he good at the basics of keeping himself and his room/space clean and tidyish? Can he cook and be relied on to feed himself semi-sensibly? Can he be relied on to have some kind of routine?

I think a lot depends on the accommodation, too - if it's more like boarding with adult oversight and pastoral care, or if it's more like halls of residence where he's left to his own devices. I think a combo of his personality and the accommodation will decide if he ends up being up til 4am drinking cans of Monster and playing games, living in filth and not doing his college work for two years, or whether he'll mostly be fine and crack on with his A Levels.

But I’m guessing the cost of your DS accommodation and flights over will. E expensive

just get a 2 bed rental for you and your ds

WtF is that last sentence about, "To be clear"?

You are pushing this on your son not him, he is at a crucial point in his life and you are minimising the situation that you have brought on him.

Personally I'd be re-evaluating the aldults position/job before onsidering dismantling my child's life at that age

Would you please rather clarify why YOU have to go? Why can’t DH go and you and DS visit him on weekends and holidays?

No way should a 16 year old be left like this.

Is your DH his father?