Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has any experience of DC moving away for college (not uni)

242 replies

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 09:30

DS is 16 and about to do his GCSE’s. Life circumstances mean me and DH are going to have to leave the country for at least a couple of years due to DH’s job requiring us to move. DS is adamant that he would hate to come with us and doesn’t want to leave the UK.

He's found a college about 45 minutes drive away from where currently live that offers accommodation in a ‘halls of residence’ style. His brother (25) would still live here so he could stop with him some weekends and we’d be able to pay for DS to fly out to see us for holidays. To be clear it is DS pushing for this, not us. I also wonder if it wouldn’t do him good to get some independence. Does anyone have any experience of this and AIBU to consider it?

OP posts:
Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:08

Ineedanewsofa · 03/04/2025 11:06

Friend’s DS is doing this after GCSEs - he’s going to agricultural college miles away!
It’s a good few years ago but I had two peers from school go to 6th form at drama college in London, both of them moved 2hrs away from home and boarded, neither seems any worse for the experience. Totally depends on the person and the college IMO, all of my examples are kids with a huge drive and determination to thrive in fairly niche industries. Might not be the same for ‘normal’ a-levels…

The big difference here is the parents are still in the same bloody country and presumably could get there within a few hours.........

Ineedanewsofa · 03/04/2025 11:06

Friend’s DS is doing this after GCSEs - he’s going to agricultural college miles away!
It’s a good few years ago but I had two peers from school go to 6th form at drama college in London, both of them moved 2hrs away from home and boarded, neither seems any worse for the experience. Totally depends on the person and the college IMO, all of my examples are kids with a huge drive and determination to thrive in fairly niche industries. Might not be the same for ‘normal’ a-levels…

MrsSunshine2b · 03/04/2025 11:06

I love how you're happy to think of him as an adult who can live independently of his parents with occasional drop ins from his brother on one hand, but on the other, think you have the power (after having abandoned him for 3 months to cope by himself) to compel him to get on a plane and move to a different country with you if he doesn't prove to be very good at living without parental input. The mental gymnastics is wonderful.

turkeyboots · 03/04/2025 11:05

I didn't think that colleges still did under 18s accommodation. I know a load of people who left home at 16 and went into college accommodation though. Generally they were fine, treated like adults. Which isn't really how we see under 18s now.
Is state boarding an option? Would a friend or family take him in?

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 11:05

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 10:55

@AmpleDenimDreamer
Come on, answer the question?
Do you or do you not trust your husband?

Show quote history

The absence of an answer

IS the answer

NO the OP doesn’t trust him

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:04

All in all he did have a positive experience and doesn’t feel like we abandoned him!
Because he would definitely tell you if he did feel like that wouldn't he?

OP, by the time you found out anything had gone wrong it would have REALLY gone wrong but you seem prepared to take that risk
Your Husband is an adult, put your child first

GatherlyGal · 03/04/2025 11:01

There was an awful case recently of a 16 year old who wasn't going to school much, starting hanging out during the day with drug dealers, got into taking and selling drugs and ended up having a breakdown, in massive debt and seriously mentally ill.

This is in a fairly nice area and the kid lived at home with both parents who worked big jobs and weren't around much.

I know it's extreme OP and maybe your 16 year old is ok and ready for it but is it really worth the risk? You say he can come and join you if something happens but its probably too late by then.

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:00

@AmpleDenimDreamer Ok so I think we've established what everyone has been saying these last 2 pages is true.

OP I will be the first to say it. It is disgraceful "parenting" to leave your 16 year old son in the UK whilst you trail round the world after your husband to stop him cheating on you.

Absolutely fucking awful.

HarrietJonesFlydaleNorth · 03/04/2025 11:00

Oh OP youre getting a terribly hard time from people who don’t actually have any experience of this.

We did pretty much what you’re planning - family (me, DS and two younger kids) moved to a different country and DS stayed and did his college course, at a college that had under 18s accommodation.

The accommodation was great, they have extra safeguards in place for the under 18s so he was well looked after. Never had any problems with drink or drugs - he used to get into trouble for not cleaning his room though! And no he didn’t have any issues with studying because he was determined that he wanted to be there. He’s not the most academically inclined person, so just did a L2 course over one year, but we would have been happy for him to stay longer if that had been right for him.

All in all he did have a positive experience and doesn’t feel like we abandoned him!

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:00

@AmpleDenimDreamer are you really that bloody stupid? are you?

Original poster
AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:56

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 10:54

And how would you know??? You will be thousands of miles away!!! It's hard enough to keep track of teenagers when they live under your roof!

Show quote history

Well if he was in serious trouble or was having to repeat the year or something then he’d have no option but to tell us. Additionally he will stay some weekends with his brother (they’re close) and his brother will visit a little (especially at the start) so it’s not as if he has no point of contact within the UK. As he’s a minor the college also will have some duty of care and onsight security.

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 10:55

Him staying in the UK isn’t set in stone and if things don’t work out (or he changes his mind) there’s no reason he can’t join us later.

But you joining your husband IS set in stone? So the only one having to make a huge sacrifice is your 16 year old son?

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 10:55

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 10:53

@AmpleDenimDreamer Do you trust your husband to go abroad on his own?

Show quote history

@AmpleDenimDreamer
Come on, answer the question?
Do you or do you not trust your husband?

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 10:54

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:45

If that happens then he’ll be on a one way flight out here- as he knows. We’ve discussed it with him that we’re trusting him to keep up his end of the deal of being responsible and keeping up with the academic side of things. Him staying in the UK isn’t set in stone and if things don’t work out (or he changes his mind) there’s no reason he can’t join us later.

Show quote history

And how would you know??? You will be thousands of miles away!!! It's hard enough to keep track of teenagers when they live under your roof!

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 10:53

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 10:44

Not really answering the most pertinent of questions though are you?

@AmpleDenimDreamer Do you trust your husband to go abroad on his own?

titchy · 03/04/2025 10:50

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:45

If that happens then he’ll be on a one way flight out here- as he knows. We’ve discussed it with him that we’re trusting him to keep up his end of the deal of being responsible and keeping up with the academic side of things. Him staying in the UK isn’t set in stone and if things don’t work out (or he changes his mind) there’s no reason he can’t join us later.

Show quote history

Assuming something life changing hasn’t happened to him due to his behaviour - are you actually aware of the stupid things teens with no parents around do and the consequences of those things?

But again - if you’re happy to risk that just so you can hold your dh’s hand if he’s in an ambulance go for it.

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:45

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 10:44

Not really answering the most pertinent of questions though are you?

Which is an answer in itself

OP doesn’t trust dh

Original poster
AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:45

titchy · 03/04/2025 10:36

Laddish - dear God. He’ll have dropped out by the first Christmas, had numerous parties, trashed his room and spent most nights off his tits on drugs and alcohol. I mean if that’s what you want for him then fill you boots.

Show quote history

If that happens then he’ll be on a one way flight out here- as he knows. We’ve discussed it with him that we’re trusting him to keep up his end of the deal of being responsible and keeping up with the academic side of things. Him staying in the UK isn’t set in stone and if things don’t work out (or he changes his mind) there’s no reason he can’t join us later.

OP posts:
Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 10:44

Not really answering the most pertinent of questions though are you?

GatherlyGal · 03/04/2025 10:44

chocolatenutcase · 03/04/2025 10:32

Lots of kids go to specialist performing arts colleges at 16 and live in halls of residence or host families. My DD had friends in her course age 16 who chose to go to to the college a long way from family and stay in student accommodation similar to uni accommodation. It worked for them.

But what about half term? School holidays?

If money is so tight surely there won't be enough for several flights a year? Is big brother putting him up for every holiday?

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2025 10:43

chocolatenutcase · 03/04/2025 10:32

Lots of kids go to specialist performing arts colleges at 16 and live in halls of residence or host families. My DD had friends in her course age 16 who chose to go to to the college a long way from family and stay in student accommodation similar to uni accommodation. It worked for them.

The HUGE difference here is choice. They have chosen to do that, probably years before, and have worked towards that. The op is giving her son no choice.

Original poster
AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:42

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2025 10:40

What does your husband think?

DH is sad that DS doesn’t want to join us but accepts his reasons and thinks the college is a reasonable option.

OP posts:
sumor · 03/04/2025 10:41

One parent stays behind for 2 years.

He moves in with another adult family member - brother/ DGP fo them to supervise him and act in place of parental role.

He goes to boarding school - which is step up with the needed support and parents not being around.

I think he sounds desperate to stay here and that you really aren't considering him.

Could it work - possibly depends on the set up and level of supervision but at 16 they still need you and frankly it sounds like you want him to fail so he'll fall in with your plans.

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2025 10:40

What does your husband think?

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2025 10:39

-we need the rental income from our current house

You'll still be paying for your son to live here. You could rent a two bed flat instead.

• DH has health problems which mean I don’t love the thought of him living alone in the event of needing to call an ambulance

How many times have you needed to call an ambulance for your husband? What happens if you're not there at that moment?

• My own job would be a lot better in terms of conditions and pay where we’re going

Could you do that in 2 years when your son is 18?

• I’d be worried about the impact of being apart on my marriage

What about the impact on your son? Is your husband more important than your son?