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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if anyone has any experience of DC moving away for college (not uni)

242 replies

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 09:30

DS is 16 and about to do his GCSE’s. Life circumstances mean me and DH are going to have to leave the country for at least a couple of years due to DH’s job requiring us to move. DS is adamant that he would hate to come with us and doesn’t want to leave the UK.

He's found a college about 45 minutes drive away from where currently live that offers accommodation in a ‘halls of residence’ style. His brother (25) would still live here so he could stop with him some weekends and we’d be able to pay for DS to fly out to see us for holidays. To be clear it is DS pushing for this, not us. I also wonder if it wouldn’t do him good to get some independence. Does anyone have any experience of this and AIBU to consider it?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:31

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:29

I’m not sure it’s entirely relevant but DH has struggled with infidelity in the past. This is something we’ve both worked through and our marriage is stronger because of it. I think a marriage takes work to keep things going and I worry the impact of an extended period of separation. This is secondary to my main concern of what happens if has an episode whilst living alone and no one is there to call an ambulance.

And there we have it
By "struggled with infidelity" I assume you mean he has shagged at least 1 other person during your marriage?

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:31

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:29

I’m not sure it’s entirely relevant but DH has struggled with infidelity in the past. This is something we’ve both worked through and our marriage is stronger because of it. I think a marriage takes work to keep things going and I worry the impact of an extended period of separation. This is secondary to my main concern of what happens if has an episode whilst living alone and no one is there to call an ambulance.

It's completely relevant and you know it is. You're more worried about your cheating husband having an affair than the needs of your teenage son.

SpanThatWorld · 03/04/2025 11:30

Oh my goodness, the wolves are out for you OP.

I have a friend who has teen kids of her own and offers home-based boarding to 16-18 year olds attending her local specialist college.
The ones she's had living with her have had a great time at college whilst living away from parents.

It doesn't suit everyone but it works for some families.

One of my kids would absolutely have thrived away from home at 16. The others would have been ok too.

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:30

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:28

even with the best of parent/child relationships that within a few short years, the mother will only see her adult son once a week,

Yes. Crucially "IN A FEW SHORT YEARS". Not when he is 16 and has just finished his GCSEs and about to leave his school and go into a completely different environment and surroundings.

Having said that, it's glaringly obvious that neither of his parents give a shit so he may as well be on his own anyway.

Show quote history

DD left for Uni at the end of last year and while she still comes home sometimes I miss her loads.
Its made me more determined to enjoy DS living with us while I can and the idea of him not living with us at 16 is unthinkable to me.

Original poster
AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:29

I’m not sure it’s entirely relevant but DH has struggled with infidelity in the past. This is something we’ve both worked through and our marriage is stronger because of it. I think a marriage takes work to keep things going and I worry the impact of an extended period of separation. This is secondary to my main concern of what happens if has an episode whilst living alone and no one is there to call an ambulance.

OP posts:
BodyKeepingScore · 03/04/2025 11:29

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:17

Me not getting on the plane isn’t an option because

  1. we need the rental income from our current house
  2. DH has health problems which mean I don’t love the thought of him living alone in the event of needing to call an ambulance
  3. My own job would be a lot better in terms of conditions and pay where we’re going
  4. I’d be worried about the impact of being apart on my marriage

I’d love DS to come with us but he’s flat out refusing and he’s suggested a reasonable alternative. I’d hardly call that ‘abandonment’.

You’re worried about the impact on your marriage but not the impact on your relationship with your son?
Thays baffling to me.

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:28

PinataHeeHaw · 03/04/2025 11:24

It's all about you and your DH there.

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It's all about her DH full stop.

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:28

Runnersandtoms · 03/04/2025 11:24

All those saying don't choose your husband over your son, you do know that there's potential even with the best of parent/child relationships that within a few short years, the mother will only see her adult son once a week, once a month or once a year? Whereas her relationship with her husband could last 20 or more years longer. I absolutely trust my husband but I still wouldn't plan to live apart from him for two years. I wouldn't choose to live apart from my 16 year old either but I don't think it's an outrageous idea in the circumstances.

even with the best of parent/child relationships that within a few short years, the mother will only see her adult son once a week,

Yes. Crucially "IN A FEW SHORT YEARS". Not when he is 16 and has just finished his GCSEs and about to leave his school and go into a completely different environment and surroundings.

Having said that, it's glaringly obvious that neither of his parents give a shit so he may as well be on his own anyway.

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:27

Runnersandtoms · 03/04/2025 11:24

All those saying don't choose your husband over your son, you do know that there's potential even with the best of parent/child relationships that within a few short years, the mother will only see her adult son once a week, once a month or once a year? Whereas her relationship with her husband could last 20 or more years longer. I absolutely trust my husband but I still wouldn't plan to live apart from him for two years. I wouldn't choose to live apart from my 16 year old either but I don't think it's an outrageous idea in the circumstances.

I love my DH and we will be together a long time after the DC have gone (fingers crossed) but I would still never move abroad with him and leave 16 year old DS behind
In fact he would know better than to ask me

PinataHeeHaw · 03/04/2025 11:24

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:17

Me not getting on the plane isn’t an option because

  1. we need the rental income from our current house
  2. DH has health problems which mean I don’t love the thought of him living alone in the event of needing to call an ambulance
  3. My own job would be a lot better in terms of conditions and pay where we’re going
  4. I’d be worried about the impact of being apart on my marriage

I’d love DS to come with us but he’s flat out refusing and he’s suggested a reasonable alternative. I’d hardly call that ‘abandonment’.

It's all about you and your DH there.

Runnersandtoms · 03/04/2025 11:24

All those saying don't choose your husband over your son, you do know that there's potential even with the best of parent/child relationships that within a few short years, the mother will only see her adult son once a week, once a month or once a year? Whereas her relationship with her husband could last 20 or more years longer. I absolutely trust my husband but I still wouldn't plan to live apart from him for two years. I wouldn't choose to live apart from my 16 year old either but I don't think it's an outrageous idea in the circumstances.

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:23

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:19

I’d be happy to consider a boarding school but I honestly think I college would more suit DS’s personality.

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Yet you won't consider staying in the UK with your son as you desperately need the money from renting your house out?! Ok then😂

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:22

Life circumstances mean me and DH are going to have to leave the country for at least a couple of years due to DH’s job requiring us to move.

Your DHs job only requires HIM to move. Not you.

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2025 11:22

If the OP doesn't want to pay for two households, not even a flat for them here she won't pay the fees for boarding school- that makes no sense.

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2025 11:21

Why are you ignoring questions about whether you trust your husband OP? Or is it him that doesn't trust you?

Also- how many times have you actually had to call an ambulance? What happens if he becomes unwell while you're both at work?

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:20

@AmpleDenimDreamer why are you only answering certain questions?

Do you or do you not trust your husband?

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:19

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:16

^^

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Oh OP. I actually feel a bit sad for you.

You're trying so hard to jump onto any positivity about this situation and convince everyone (and yourself) that you son desperately wants to stay in the UK without either of his parents around for 2 years. Of course he will say he does. He's 16. Ultimately he has no option as you are moving away either with or without him.

No man - husband or not - is worth moving away from your child for just so you can keep an eye on him.

Original poster
AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:19

GatherlyGal · 03/04/2025 11:17

I didn't think you were considering boarding school OP? I agree that's a much better option and vastly different to living in halls at college.

I’d be happy to consider a boarding school but I honestly think I college would more suit DS’s personality.

OP posts:
Ineedanewsofa · 03/04/2025 11:19

@Lanzarotelady it’s technically a different country but it is the same landmass I suppose. @Hoppinggreen agree the ‘vocational’ nature of my examples is important to whether it’s successful or not and I did call that out in my original post. Struggling to see the difference between wealthy parents who live in the Middle East sending their kids to board for 6th form at Harrow/Eton etc vs 2 working parents trying to allow their child to continue their education in this country at a more ‘normal’ setting while they have to move for financial reasons.
Seems like it’s only ok for the rich to do it…

Treeleaf11 · 03/04/2025 11:17

He is only actively requesting it because he doesnt want to move abroad

GatherlyGal · 03/04/2025 11:17

I didn't think you were considering boarding school OP? I agree that's a much better option and vastly different to living in halls at college.

Original poster
AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:16

Runnersandtoms · 03/04/2025 11:14

I think people are really overreacting here. Sixth form boarding is really common and completely different from 'leaving a 16 year old alone' or university halls. There will be pastoral care, rules and responsible adults in charge.

Look at it another way, would it be cruel to force a 16 year old to move abroad, leaving his friends and the educational system he's familiar with?

Also those saying the mother should stay... I wouldn't live apart from my husband for two years! That's pretty extreme.

Residential sixth form wouldn't suit every 16 year old but it could be great for some, and if OPs son is actively requesting it, then considering it isn't ridiculous imho.

^^

OP posts:
Runnersandtoms · 03/04/2025 11:14

I think people are really overreacting here. Sixth form boarding is really common and completely different from 'leaving a 16 year old alone' or university halls. There will be pastoral care, rules and responsible adults in charge.

Look at it another way, would it be cruel to force a 16 year old to move abroad, leaving his friends and the educational system he's familiar with?

Also those saying the mother should stay... I wouldn't live apart from my husband for two years! That's pretty extreme.

Residential sixth form wouldn't suit every 16 year old but it could be great for some, and if OPs son is actively requesting it, then considering it isn't ridiculous imho.

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:11

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:08

The big difference here is the parents are still in the same bloody country and presumably could get there within a few hours.........

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AND these children have chosen to go to study for something specific rather than just because their parents are leaving the country.

minisnowballs · 03/04/2025 11:10

OP, I'd really consider a boarding school rather than somewhere with a 'halls of residence' arrangement. My DD2 boards because of music and is planning to for Sixth Form (y11 currently). They are still children at Y12 and require high levels of pastoral care - a boarding school will be set up for this, whether state or private.

Have a look at St George's Harpenden, Cranbrook etc if you don't want to pay (admittedly eyewatering) independent fees. All would have matrons, houseparents etc which is very much necessary at this stage. And if your DH's work will pay, an independent school might have better ratios.