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Original poster

New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

383 replies

innersilentscreams · 03/04/2025 05:55

I thought I'd make a new thread to let you know that I have stayed strong, am enjoying my peace (and cat).
I have to go to work very soon so I will post later this evening, but thank you all so much for your messages and support!

He has messaged to meet up but I have said no. His things are packed up and we have financial issues to sort like joint account and investments so blocking outright isn't doable yet. I am not worried for my safety.

Some lovely colleagues at work have been helpful- especially one who has been in a very similar situation in the past, who said it doesn't get better, only worse.

He's messaged the typical misses me, can't believe how things are text now, but no apology. When I told him the way I have been disrespected and then the way he spoke to me and left was shockingly undeserved, he ignored that and just kept asking me to meet him. I said no.

OP posts:
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Gremlins101 · 05/04/2025 20:59

innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 17:51

It is so so nice! Slightly lighter percentage wise than gin. I also like it with just tonic too.

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I'm going to treat myself to this over the summer! Sounds amazing!

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 05/04/2025 20:09

innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 17:48

Good news: My mum has come round and is now agreeing he is in the wrong and his anger and dismissal is indeed a red flag. She has said if I am worried about him then to stay with them for a weekend. Also said he is being a stubborn twat because he sees his kids' behaviour as acceptable.

So at least there's that x

I'm glad your mum seems to be understanding things better now.
Also glad that you are staying strong and not letting him wheedle his way back.

Lookuptotheskies · 05/04/2025 20:09

Glad you and your cat are enjoying the peace OP.

Don't agree to meet him, there is absolutely no need to! All that needs doing is his and the kids stuff returning to them, but even that you don't need to interact with him face to face.

I bet he's realising he's shot himself in the foot, and yet he STILL Won't apologise or acknowledge his crappy lack of parenting or his kids behaviour.

I can't remember if you did but I'm hoping you blocked his access of your video doorbell.

I understand completely what you said about taking it slow personally. Just resting, reflecting and enjoying the peace is absolutely spot on for now.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 05/04/2025 19:56

Glad your mum is now acknowledging he's an arse and a shitty parent to boot.

I wouldn't meet up with him to discuss any of this. You're done. Rightfully so. And I would be making sure any joint money is 'safe' and you get your portion back sooner rather than later.

katepilar · 05/04/2025 19:54

innersilentscreams · 03/04/2025 06:09

Yep- the lack of apology still has blown my mind.
Have a lovely day all x

I know the shocking feeling.
(In a situation at a lower level than yours, a colleague messing things up and being nasty instead of apologising.)

treesandsun · 05/04/2025 19:33

It is not about what he thinks there is to discuss and too much to message but how you feel.
This weekend relaxing in your nice clean house, with your relaxed cat, sipping your spritzer and the sun is shining. What a contrast to what you have been putting up with. Nothing and no one should be upsetting your peace of mind.

He has had chances to intervene over the years and has done nothing. Even if he has every intention of laying down the law with the kids now and telling them in no uncertain terms that their behaviour is wrong (which I don't believe he would do) and I don't think they would listen to - it is too little, too late.

Time for him to take his gaslighting, bullshitting self and sort out some long term accommodation for him and his feral kids.

MoreChocPls · 05/04/2025 19:32

It will get easier. Stay firm and strong.

orangedream · 05/04/2025 18:44

It's so much easier for this type of man to bully you in person. Be very wary of meeting him. Remember he moved in without your agreement once.

Agree that his use of the word 'mediate' in relation to children is another red flag. Not many 'mediators' shout and flounce off either.

TokyoKyoto · 05/04/2025 18:22

You are doing so great OP.

Agree that he wants to meet so he can charm you. All there is to discuss is a bit of financial stuff/the techie stuff like his surveillance camera and app. You don't need to do that in person. If he presses you, you say "My main problem is you're not parenting your children. What is there to discuss? It isn't anything I can change, clearly."

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 05/04/2025 18:16

I'm glad your mum has seen sense

FreeRider · 05/04/2025 18:13

Have to agree that parents do not 'mediate' with their below 18 year old children - they should be the authority and should also expect the children to obey their rules. Nothing you wanted the children to do was so unreasonable and your ex (and I hope he remains your ex) is deluded to think otherwise. At the end of the day, it's your fucking house!

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/04/2025 17:58

That’s great news your mum can see your pov! And is willing to protect you if needed.

Meanwhile33 · 05/04/2025 17:53

Oh that’s good news about your mum! She’s probably impressed with you for standing up for yourself even if it’s not her style to tell you that.

Original poster
innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 17:51

BetterWithPockets · 05/04/2025 16:38

Missing the point, I know — but a limoncello spritzer! I love the sound of this!

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It is so so nice! Slightly lighter percentage wise than gin. I also like it with just tonic too.

OP posts:
Stravaig · 05/04/2025 17:51

Your mother doesn't sound like a very healthy influence in your life. I'd keep a reflective eye out for clues as to how you came to accept life with this man as normal and good.

Cross-post : That sounds a bit better from Mum.

Original poster
innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 17:50

PullTheBricksDown · 05/04/2025 16:52

Mediating is also what's done between adults on the same level. Not with kids who you have authority over and responsibility for. He really does not want to do any parenting.

Good point!

OP posts:
Original poster
innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 17:48

Good news: My mum has come round and is now agreeing he is in the wrong and his anger and dismissal is indeed a red flag. She has said if I am worried about him then to stay with them for a weekend. Also said he is being a stubborn twat because he sees his kids' behaviour as acceptable.

So at least there's that x

OP posts:
TheLavenderLantern · 05/04/2025 17:45

“What is motivating him right now. IMO, in order of importance to him:

  1. moving out of his parents house
  2. not having to pay rent on suitable flat for him with
  3. Not having to furnish. Cook & clean his flat”
Exactly this. He just had to be a decent parent and he wouldn’t be in this situation. There is no need to meet up. Everything can be done by email. Stay strong @innersilentscreams.
TheLavenderLantern · 05/04/2025 17:38

AlertCat · 05/04/2025 13:43

Also I would keep anything formal (investments etc) in writing, because gaslighters rely on there being no evidence of what they said or didn’t say. Keep it to eMails.

Yes, make sure there is an email trail.

Daleksatemyshed · 05/04/2025 17:37

Don't talk to him Op, he doesn't want to be reasonable, he wants to say boys will be boys and you're making a fuss over nothing.If he really, genuinely can't see that his DC are behaving dreadfully then nothing you can say will make him see the truth. Text him practical stuff only, nothing else, here's your stuff, end of, no more

Bigcat25 · 05/04/2025 17:30

Op said they have bank accounts to divide.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 05/04/2025 17:28

Do you feel you have anything to talk about about? If you don’t then don’t agree to meet up. He walked out, you accepted that. The end.

Arrange for his stuff to be collected (if possible be out and have someone else in so you don’t have to hear all the bullshit). Otherwise what else is there is to discuss.

diddl · 05/04/2025 17:27

Your mum winding me up as much as him!

Of course kids make relationships hard.

Especially when one isn't allowed to parent & the other cba!

It's really shit that she doesn't want better for you Op.

Being single is better than being with a useless shit.

Learnt that from my Grandmother who was born in 1907.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 17:14

Stick to your guns. You're well rid. This isn't going to change and it's never going to get better. I don't know what is wrong with your mum. She's being an arse. Is there someone else you can talk to?

If you were my DD I would want to kick his arse to kingdom come!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/04/2025 17:11

innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 12:01

And forgot to add, bagging up all their belongings today.

My mum has messaged, saying she has hoped we would have talked and sorted it out by now. That kids make relationships hard.

I said it isn't the kids, it's his lack of parenting and then walking out, as well as anger, that is the reason we are where we are.

I feel like I keep saying the same thing to both mum and my ex- that it's about the disrespect and then my feelings being minimised and dismissed. My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception, so I have sat and read through my entire first thread.

He did excuse them, didn't offer solutions, but immediately said he wouldn't bring them round ever again, plus was packing his bags too (in the morning). Those things actually happened.

So he has messaged asking for us to talk this weekend. Still no apology. NO acknowledgement of what happened-which I pointed out.

His response was 'I always apologise when I upset you. We need to talk as there are lots of things to discuss, too much to put into messages'.

He said he 'wasn't being dismissive' did validate my feelings (!) but 'also tried to be a mediator by saying the boys are just kids'.

Feel a bit like my head is going to explode.

Ugh.

He's pissed off he hasn't got somewhere to take them (and a woman to palm them off on) over Easter, isn't he?

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