New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

Yes, he's rewriting history to make himself look reasonable and make you question yourself. He may even believe his own version of events. If he wants to think this is how it went, let him. If he wants to tell other people that this is what happened, let him.

Here's the thing: even if what he's saying is true, it doesn't change how he made you feel, the fact that you were reduced to tears in your own home by the horrible behaviour of his children, or the fact that you can break up with him for any reason and at any time.

However it's not true, he's just a liar. Agree with those who have said that things may get worse before they get better because he's not hit the anger stage yet (and he will, when he realises that you haven't changed your mind and aren't doing what he wants). Stay strong. x.

(FWIW, grew up with parents who had a toxic marriage, am in a very long but not toxic marriage, and live with teens. They do not wipe snot on the furniture, break things in the house, eat in places where food isn't allowed or shout over the TV like a pair of obnoxious brats. DH has never reduced me to tears. Father, however, made his everything someone else's fault and lied about his own behaviour all the time)

Yeah I picked up that one too.

He doesn't apologise because he's fucked up, he apologises because you're upset. No taking responsibility.

Nice try, gaslighty ex, but no.

Stay strong. He's not sorry. He's a user.

It does appear to be gaslighting but it doesn’t matter now. He will say anything to try to get things back on track as he had it so good. He is not offering to change and even if he tried he probably would give in at the first sign of resistance from his DC. Unless you want the life he is offering you, there is no further conversation to be had. Just continue to ignore him.

'He always apologises when you're upset?' Arse!

And he still says nothing about how he’s going to address the behaviour of his kids I notice.

He’s certainly minimising his behaviour and trying to make you doubt yourself and your memory of events - whether that is gaslighting or not, it’s unacceptable.

He is still unwilling to accept that he and his kids behaved atrociously and can’t take responsibility for anything. He’s wasting your time op, and twisting things to suit himself, don’t let him take up so much space in your mind!

Absolutely gaslighting! He's now blaming you for everything while still maintaining he loves you? What a tool. Clearly the need to get back in your house is becoming increasingly desperate as Easter holidays approach.
You can stop a relationship for any reason. You have very good reasons for waving him goodbye.
Don't give him a minutes thought.
I really wouldn't meet him as he will continue with this nonsense. Pack their stuff and tell him when he can pick it up from the doorstep. Do not let him in whatever you do, especially if he turns up with the toxic twosome in tow.

So he’s acknowledging that the behaviours have repeatedly made you upset. His solution is to grudgingly apologise.

He is just desperate not to lose your support in looking after and housing him and his rude offspring.

I think at this stage I would tell him point blank that it’s over, so he needs to get a wriggle on in lining up some other poor fucker to be the mug.

Yes, it seems like he’s twisting what happened (you were very clear he left in an argument and it wasn’t his idea to give you space). Plus his argument that somehow if he had apologised that would have in any way meant you would be prevented from time and space to think is just bizarre? Like he did you a favour not saying sorry?

Instead of being somehow proud he “always says sorry when you’re upset” how about he focus on, I don’t know… NOT upsetting you?!

I would say this is entirely to be expected now he realises how badly he's fucked up and will be going down the DARVO route.

Don't get into conversation or try to reason with him/get him to see your POV. You've had enough. You are allowed to be done, and a line has been drawn. Personally I'd get his/their stuff back to them somehow, then block.

I have a bottle of lemoncello in my fridge for easily 10 years that my husband brought back from italy. I'm not thst fond of it, but the bottle is so pretty.
I am a G&T woman too and am so going to try it with tonic, thank you.

Anyone try the Beefeater bitter orange gin?
Or Seville orange gin?

Absolutely delicious with lime slices, tonic water or elderflower tonic water.
A fabulous aperitif that our friend gave us recently which instantly won me over.

Oh an Malfy's grapefruit gin is delicious too, as is their orange gin. Very pretty bottle too.

Oh I need to try that - I love limoncello! I had a limoncello gelato served in a lemon in Rome last year and it was divine! I'm a G&T woman!

Limoncello and tonic is my summer tipple. So nice and refreshing and much lighter than a g&t which is my go to drink.

I raise a 🍸to you @innersilentscreams for upholding your values and wish you a more relaxing time to come

True!

I agree that you should move your portion of any joint accounts out asap, as once he realises he’s not getting back in, he will do whatever he can to hurt you, and finances are an easy target.

Six months? You've got half term at the end of May and then school breaks up around the 22nd July until September. He's going to need to get cracking on his Project: Palm off sooner than that.

No offence to you OP, but I give it 6 months at the most before he finds another 'nanny with a fanny'. I'd never heard that or 'cats before twats' before the first thread!

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a divorced man not in possession of his own home is in dire want of a partner with one. This need is even more pressing when he has children.

He clearly does not care for you. Please do not allow these users and abusers back into your life.

@twoshedsjacksonCats before Twats would make a great user name.

well done OP, am delighted to find this thread and your first update. I’ve been wondering how you were getting on. Off to read more and hopefully find him still booted to the kerb.

I am so pleased you are staying strong,
He is a absolute tool and you sound lovely.

Glad your mum has seen the light and hopefully be more supportive.

Wanted to add that after my divorce my mum set me up on a blind date as she was desperate that I wouldn't end up 'on the shelf'🙄.

The following day I explained that whilst he seemed lovely he really was not my type, her reply "Well you're not Kylie Minogue yourself so cant afford to be too fussy".

This inherent need to see your daughter 'settled' came a cost to some of us.

Please now your worth and you are worth a whole lot more than this loser.

He cannot even acknowledge his own appalling behaviour let alone that of his offspring.

You should be extremely proud of yourself.

I'm so glad you've stuck to your guns and that your mum has now started to be supportive.

Dear @innersilentscreams

I’ve just read all your posts on the first thread and this one and wanted to say that you have absolutely, 100% without doubt done the right thing.

Please please please don’t let this stupid, selfish man child back into your life.

The behaviour you described is completely unacceptable and his total lack of parenting will never change. If he really wanted to protect his time with them he would get a court order so his ex couldn’t weaponise them.

This episode has shown you everything you need to know about him and how he views you and your home. Never let him back.

You can split the joint monies very simply and easily but please prioritise this as you don’t want him draining accounts. Move your portion quickly.

No point meeting him as there is nothing to discuss. He will just use it as a chance to try to manipulate and guilt trip you. Same with calls and texts. Just ignore as much as you can.

Once he realises you are serious and he is stuck at his parents and they are freaking out trying to get rid of him and his kids he will massively up the ante. So get organised asap and get ahead of the game. Expect fake illness or emergencies as well as emotions and abuse - all the usual narcissistic nonsense.

Enjoy your freedom and your lovely cat - you deserve to be happy. And you CAN be happy without this loser 🌸

Now have an ambition to try a Limoncello spritzer.

Your ex is clearly still doing everything he can to avoid taking responsibility for the behaviour of his children.

This will come back and bite him in the bum. I mean, they've barely got started.

It will not, however, be your problem. Well done, OP.