New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

In his mind, the problem to solve is apparently that you're upset, when he apologizes. It's not that anything is actually wrong or that he or his kids did something unreasonable. No, the problem is that you're having an emotion he doesn't want to hear about.
It's insulting.

Yep, this sounds about right.

I would just like to add ‘well done’! Too many times on here we read about situations like yours and the posters have so little respect for themselves that they put up with total shit. You have my utmost respect for standing your ground.

I know from experience (much less severe than yours) that it is difficult and frightening to end relationships, but if more women did it it might make (some) men realise their behaviour is unacceptable.

I would say - we will have to agree to disagree - my accurate recollection is not the same as yours. Either way, we are over and I feel much happier without you and the s/kids. He will never, ever admit to being in the wrong or that his kids behaviour is appalling. Let them just 'be kids' in his new place and they can drop their litter and snot and shout boring and ignore him to their hearts' content.
Meanwhile you and the cat can chill in the clean house.

You could if you wanted to next time he messages - just write BORING - stop messaging me

@NeverDropYourMooncup must have a PhD in the language of Twat. Excellent translation!

@innersilentscreams

You know, if his texts are causing you confusion and doubt, even little niggles of them, maybe it's time to block him. To me, it's just not worth hearing his crap when you're trying to 'heal' your thought processes. He's manipulated your thinking in the past and is continuing to try and manipulate it. You need to consider how vulnerable you may be to that, even as your resolve not to take him back strengthens.

So he still hasn't actually apologised? He still hasn't addressed the issue of how his disrespectful kids behave and how he should be dealing with that? I think his next move is either (a) apologise/love bomb/offer meaningless promises or (b) get angry with you denying him a second home for his kids, start getting nasty about all sorts. Either way do you really think things will change? The door is open....run for freedom!

‘I always apologise when you’re upset’.

So he doesn't actually apologise for doing whatever it was, just that it had upset you. A subtle but very important difference. "I'm sorry that you are upset" has a very different meaning to "I'm sorry I did so-and-so action" - basically saying "I'm not sorry for doing whatever it was, but I suppose I'd better keep the peace at this over-reacting."

When I was married previously my exh would threaten to leave.. Usually I pleaded him to stay. One time I let him leave. He stayed away a week then the weak apology came. Coincidentally that night dd decided to make a fantastic tea.. He actually thought it was a Welcome Home meal!! I remember standing there thinking wtf?! A year later I threw him out. He hadn't changed.. Like your situation he needed a base to see his dc. A woman to cater for them. And a purse to send him off to his multiple hobbies as he didn't work at that time.
He did get a job and his money was his money. Lightbulb moment when I discovered his true wages..
Divorced within 3 months.
Never go back to more of the same op. You are worth more.

Oh good grief. Panicking selfish arsehole mode fully activated.
Your answer:
I am sending this message to make sure you fully understand.
This is simple so there is no ambiguity.
We are over. I do not want you back. Neither you or your kids will ever set foot in my house again.
The only message I want from you is to arrange collection of your stuff. If no arrangements are made by 10th April 2025 it will all be taken to the tip.
I cannot be any clearer.

I think he's done you a favour with his latest helpful input, OP. I mean, if you had any doubts before, you won't after this!

Yes to the gaslighting, and yes to him probably believing that this is exactly what went down. Happily, you have a MN thread about what happened and why! In real time, almost!

Remember: this is about him not parenting. He obviously disrespected you as well and is quite frankly a cocklodger, but at heart, it's about how you can't compel him to actually parent his children. If it comes to it, tell him you've had a week of space to think and you understand being a single parent is hard, but watching him not parenting his kids has shown you you need to end it with him. It's a clean break, you wish him the best, here's your stuff.

Wow he's a prize isn't he!

Thank goodness for mn and all the wise people supporting you.

I agree with pp, he’s gaslighting and minimising his behaviour. I appreciate you’re not able to say publicly why you can’t just pack up his stuff (as you had to PM another poster on this ) but I hope you can just send a clear message verbally that it’s over.

He has already started being passive aggressive in his messages and I believe he will get full blown rude and angry once he realises you’re not having him back.

@innersilentscreams
He didn't 'offer to leave' he threatened to walk out to make him beg you not to.

The benefit of your threads is that if you ever doubt yourself, you have a record of the events, I think you'll struggle to find the post where you said "he has apologised wholeheartedly for letting his appalling kids wreck my house and terrorise my cat"

I don't actually recommend it, but it would be funny to point out to him that even the Daily Mail think he's the thing that you never put before cats! #cbt

in those messages he never once asks how you are doing or if you're ok.
It's all "I didn't /you did" Classic, narcissistic, DARVO gaslighting behaviours.

Go through your house with a fine toothcomb and pack every little thing that belongs to any of them, so you know for sure it's all there & will be taken away. or he may start trying " i'm sure I /the kids left such & such at your house can i come round and look for it ? " But you will know for sure that you don't have whatever tiny little urgent thing he's pretending to have lost and can confidently say "no you have everything that was once here" and then cut him off.

Unfortunately… he’s telling everyone his version of events — HE is a dad-hero “fighting” for his family, he’s done nothing wrong and you are the unreasonable woman. People nodding in agreement whilst thinking … can’t believe OP didn’t chuck him sooner.

(And I picture him sleeping in his childhood bedroom which is now his mums crafting room.)

Best just ignore him and just keep moving forward.

OP, thank god you are really see this absolute liar clearly.

He is desperately backtracking, calling YOU a liar because he is desperate to continue to use you.

Watch very very carefully as this will escalate.
Victimhood from him, mental health struggles, threats to self harm can be expected before Mr Snarling flips again to accusations of infidelity, you never loved him, used him etc.

Do not allow him in your house.
He will be desperate to get back in now he realises he completely over estimated how much abuse and shit you would take.

He will be furious with himself for over playing his hand, under estimating you, and fxxking up his free accommodation.

He may well try and even spring his feral brats on you.

Be very suspicious of him please.

Absolutely!

Definitely gaslighting you.

He's trying to manipulate you into letting him back.

Think about it logically - if he had apologised, he would also have said that he would deal with his offspring's bratty behaviour.

I may have missed this bit, but have you made it clear that it’s over for good? Or does he just think you’re having some space and not ready to talk yet? I bet he was expecting you to beg him to come back. Thank goodness you’ve stayed firm though - it’s very clear that he won’t change.

His messages make me think of what we said as children _ Liar, liar, pants on fire. He's a weasel @innersilentscreams , he twists and turns but he never actually gives you a straight answer. You've done so well getting him out and ignoring his nonsense

You say you've moved your money, and you've packed up everything that belongs to them.
Once their belongings are actually gone, is there anything else you need to do ?

I would arrange his crap to be delivered. I would not give him any reason to be at your home, do not allow him an inch of accommodation or compromise as he will take a mile. He will either show up with his snot bag kids in tow to try to manipulate you into not disagreeing with him in front of the kids or you will get a full blown monologue of how he forgives you and he's willing to move past your shortcomings (otherwise known as lie back down doormat, so I can wipe my feet on you again). He has already moved himself and his kids in once without invitation or discussion, do not allow him to do it again. Enjoy your peaceful life with your cat and snot free furnishings OP.

Just send one message telling him to collect his stuff (is there a garage/shed you can put it in so he doesn't even need to come in). And there is nothing further to discuss.

Any further emails just copy and paste. Once his stuff is collected then you can block if you wish,

Regardless or who is right or not (you are) you don’t seem upset by not being in a relationship with him, more just the upset/stress from a relationship ending and having to sort stuff out. You actually sound relieved. You are entitled to end the relationship for any reason, be doesn’t have to agree with you.

100% this. He is trying to turn this on you. None of this says “I’m sorry, my kids were brats and I allowed it”

you are so right to fuck him off @innersilentscreams