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Original poster

New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

383 replies

innersilentscreams · 03/04/2025 05:55

I thought I'd make a new thread to let you know that I have stayed strong, am enjoying my peace (and cat).
I have to go to work very soon so I will post later this evening, but thank you all so much for your messages and support!

He has messaged to meet up but I have said no. His things are packed up and we have financial issues to sort like joint account and investments so blocking outright isn't doable yet. I am not worried for my safety.

Some lovely colleagues at work have been helpful- especially one who has been in a very similar situation in the past, who said it doesn't get better, only worse.

He's messaged the typical misses me, can't believe how things are text now, but no apology. When I told him the way I have been disrespected and then the way he spoke to me and left was shockingly undeserved, he ignored that and just kept asking me to meet him. I said no.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Beautifulplaceslovelypeople · 08/04/2025 07:05

JennySayQuoi · 07/04/2025 23:38

@innersilentscreams
Just read this on The Times website...

"Having a spouse to share life’s highs and lows is all very well — but for those not ready to commit to joint bank accounts and in-laws, could a cat or dog offer a similar boost in mental wellbeing?
Economists have calculated that the psychological benefits of pet ownership are roughly equivalent to those gained from marriage.
They also concluded that the improvement in mood was on a par with what you would expect to see from somebody receiving an extra £70,000 in annual income."
😺

I have 2 dogs, is that £140,000 equivalent 🤔😂

mathanxiety · 08/04/2025 02:41

dapsnotplimsolls · 05/04/2025 22:14

No offence to you OP, but I give it 6 months at the most before he finds another 'nanny with a fanny'. I'd never heard that or 'cats before twats' before the first thread!

Oh yes indeedy...

mathanxiety · 08/04/2025 02:27

innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 12:01

And forgot to add, bagging up all their belongings today.

My mum has messaged, saying she has hoped we would have talked and sorted it out by now. That kids make relationships hard.

I said it isn't the kids, it's his lack of parenting and then walking out, as well as anger, that is the reason we are where we are.

I feel like I keep saying the same thing to both mum and my ex- that it's about the disrespect and then my feelings being minimised and dismissed. My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception, so I have sat and read through my entire first thread.

He did excuse them, didn't offer solutions, but immediately said he wouldn't bring them round ever again, plus was packing his bags too (in the morning). Those things actually happened.

So he has messaged asking for us to talk this weekend. Still no apology. NO acknowledgement of what happened-which I pointed out.

His response was 'I always apologise when I upset you. We need to talk as there are lots of things to discuss, too much to put into messages'.

He said he 'wasn't being dismissive' did validate my feelings (!) but 'also tried to be a mediator by saying the boys are just kids'.

Feel a bit like my head is going to explode.

They're both gaslighting you.

Can you tell your mum you're not going to discuss this with her any more. There's clearly no use trying to get her to understand what happened, and she has an agenda that isn't in your best interests.

Tell exP there will be no meet-up - you have drawn a line under the relationship and intend to move on.

The only thing left to discuss is finances. You should see a solicitor about joint investments, etc. Tell him you will be in touch about financial 'uncoupling'.

Be as cut and dried as you can be.

PS - I hope you've taped over or unplugged the Ring doorbell, and also that you've booked a steam cleaning company to disinfect your home and soft furnishings.

beetr00 · 08/04/2025 00:59

@JennySayQuoi

"They also concluded that the improvement in mood was on a par with what you would expect to see from somebody receiving an extra £70,000 in annual income."

Wow! seriously?

JennySayQuoi · 07/04/2025 23:38

@innersilentscreams
Just read this on The Times website...

"Having a spouse to share life’s highs and lows is all very well — but for those not ready to commit to joint bank accounts and in-laws, could a cat or dog offer a similar boost in mental wellbeing?
Economists have calculated that the psychological benefits of pet ownership are roughly equivalent to those gained from marriage.
They also concluded that the improvement in mood was on a par with what you would expect to see from somebody receiving an extra £70,000 in annual income."
😺

WorthySloth · 07/04/2025 18:11

Nothing to add but I saw this and thought of you

New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours
CruCru · 07/04/2025 13:04

I know this is probably obvious but it’s worth letting the council know that he’s moved out so you can get your 25% single person discount.

Nettleteaser101 · 07/04/2025 11:20

Stay strong he is so not worth the worry, and give your cat a stroke from me.🐱

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/04/2025 10:40

'I always apologise when you're upset'. Patronising twat. The only answer to that is 'then why don't you just stop upsetting me in the first place and save us both a load of angst?'

Glad you're staying strong, OP.

Original poster
innersilentscreams · 07/04/2025 10:34

Thanks all, these resoponses have validated my thoughts/feelings.

Still staying strong, still enjoying the peace.

Looking forward to more peaceful weekends to come!

Thank you so much, you lovely MN people💐 xxx

OP posts:
JennySayQuoi · 06/04/2025 21:12

Far too late to edit, I realised I should have put this the other way round!

He didn't 'offer to leave' he threatened to walk out to make you beg him not to

WiddlinDiddlin · 06/04/2025 20:26

Ahahahaha... twat.

'I always apologise when you're upset' = I do things that frequently are upsetting/unkind/thoughtless/arseholeish - I have zero intention of stopping any of them but sometimes I make a half arsed apology if it seems I have to to continue getting what I want out of you.

Respond: 'Get to fuck.'

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 06/04/2025 18:59

I left for work and text dh to be gone before I got home... It was days before my birthday... He was gone. And took with him the gifts I had chosen for myself.. Paid for myself. So ladies if anyone got a new phone and some Lacoste Pink perfume in June /July 2012 they are mine!!

Gonners · 06/04/2025 18:55

There's actually no point whatsoever in discussing it further. OP has made her decision, it's her house, he's out, his stuff is ready for collection: end of story. Giving him the opportunity to carry on being a bully is a waste of her time (and his breath ... not that anyone cares about that).

Lots of love and a cheery prrrrp to the cat.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 06/04/2025 18:49

MyRamona · 06/04/2025 17:59

None of it is about addressing what you were actually upset about. All of it is about proving you wrong about how you handled it, it should strengthen your resolve.

If you’re looking for a reply, it seems ‘recollections may vary’ would be apt 😀

Love this! I’ll be looking for opportunities to use “recollections my vary” from now on 😂

Mix56 · 06/04/2025 18:48

"None of it is about addressing what you were actually upset about. All of it is about proving you wrong about how you handled it,"

Yes, if you accept to speak with him, you should not debate, who said he should leave, when/if he said sorry.... That is not the debate. The issue is his shit parenting of his feral children
Not your problem any longer thankfully

AlertCat · 06/04/2025 18:26

whichever pp said “remember your feelings” is spot on. Our gut doesn’t lie.

Well done @innersilentscreams and keep on enjoying that calm, clean home of yours.

MyRamona · 06/04/2025 17:59

None of it is about addressing what you were actually upset about. All of it is about proving you wrong about how you handled it, it should strengthen your resolve.

If you’re looking for a reply, it seems ‘recollections may vary’ would be apt 😀

TheTeaCosyofDoom · 06/04/2025 17:34

The latest offerings from him are the finest examples of gaslighting that I have ever read - worthy of being included in a book entitled 'How To Spot A Gaslighter', if you ever feel moved to write one, OP.

I was married to a malignant narcissist for 18 years, and your bloke has more than a whiff of the malignant narcissist about him. MNs never do anything wrong, for it is impossible for them to do so. If this is how he can fuck with your brain through messaging, imagine what he could do to your emotions if you were daft enough to engage with him in person. Been there, seen the video, lovely. See how quickly I still love you changes to anger when the penny drops and he realises that you're not falling for it any longer. What puzzles me in your case is how this guy hopes to have a peaceful happy relationship with any woman when she is forced to spend her time chiselling bogies off her sofa and spending a small fortune on tranquilizers for her puddycat. Give me strength. A brighter future awaits, sweetheart. Honest.

Americano75 · 06/04/2025 17:28

Of course it's gaslighting.

He's shat the bed, end of.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 06/04/2025 15:28

I’m so glad to hear an update from you, you’ve been on my mind. All his non-apologies are about you being upset, absolutely no admittance of responsibility on his part whatsoever. Stay strong. You will be much better off without him. I am now investigating limoncello spritzers 😁

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 06/04/2025 15:25

Cattenberg · 06/04/2025 12:03

I may have missed this bit, but have you made it clear that it’s over for good? Or does he just think you’re having some space and not ready to talk yet? I bet he was expecting you to beg him to come back. Thank goodness you’ve stayed firm though - it’s very clear that he won’t change.

This sort of man won't accept that she has decided it's over.
Even if she organised a parade with a band and banners spelling out 'you're sacked', he wouldn't think she was serious. He is so far away from being aware of the impact of his inaction, and his children's actions, it's unthinkable that @innersilentscreams has decided to put them out of her life.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 06/04/2025 15:15

Beware. He's moved into the 'make her feel guilty while appearing understanding and reasonable' phase.
He knows the good deal he had going at yours is done. This is his last gasp attempt to weedle his way back in, especially as Easter holidays are about to land in and he needs his free nanny to put up with the feral children.
I'm glad you saw through it and looked for confirmation from us.
Draw a line under it, enjoy your orderly home, and give your cat a cuddle. Lesser cats would have left home - she's very loyal to you!

diddl · 06/04/2025 15:13

Try not to give it any more headspace Op.

Whatever he says or does now is of no importance or relevance.

MeridianB · 06/04/2025 15:03

Dontbeme · 06/04/2025 11:45

I would arrange his crap to be delivered. I would not give him any reason to be at your home, do not allow him an inch of accommodation or compromise as he will take a mile. He will either show up with his snot bag kids in tow to try to manipulate you into not disagreeing with him in front of the kids or you will get a full blown monologue of how he forgives you and he's willing to move past your shortcomings (otherwise known as lie back down doormat, so I can wipe my feet on you again). He has already moved himself and his kids in once without invitation or discussion, do not allow him to do it again. Enjoy your peaceful life with your cat and snot free furnishings OP.

Couldn’t agree more. Ideally get a friend to drop it on the doorstep at his parents. Keeps him away from your home and avoids you having to see him.