New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

@innersilentscreams

It pisses me off that we've had a (seemingly) happy relationship for 4 years and he has let things end like this.

But how truly happy was it really? Seems to me you've been pushing down frustration and anger for quite some time, maybe the entire 4 years, and calling it happiness. We can bury our true emotions when we really want something (like a happy relationship) and only let the 'surface' emotions show ("Wasn't that a lovely day", "Didn't we enjoy XYZ") to convince ourselves that we are 'deeply' happy, when what we really have is moments of happiness that we cling to.

And yes, his apparent passivity and his reframing is infuriating. But that's who he's always been. It's just that you've reached your breaking point. We ALL have a breaking point and it usually comes as a surprise when we reach it because we've been ignoring the fact that it's getting nearer and nearer.

He didn't fight, because it's not in him to do so. He wants the easy road and now that you aren't smoothing the road for him, he's just given up after a token resistance. He knows that he'd have to do hard work, on himself and his children and he'd simply 'rather not'. So he'll try to sell you his 'regret' to make you feel guilty and accept the blame, when the blame is his. Don't let his laziness and entitlement use up your emotional 'coin' in sadness. Spend your emotional 'coin' on something worthwhile, like acceptance of his failures and acknowledgement that you are far better off without him.

He will be … don’t fall for it.

Glad you got it off your chest and also the further evidence he is never ever going to change.

I wonder when it will dawn on him that his kids behaviour is HIS fault, HIS problem and will cause them problems later in life. Probably when they're in their 20s still expecting him to support them, fix everything for them, and showing him zero respect whatsoever! Hahahahaha.

It must have felt good to get it off your chest, and to get his things out of your house.

He’s not cut out to be a proper parent, maybe his sadness was the penny dropping for him.

we've had a (seemingly) happy relationship for 4 years and he has let things end like this.

Hang on. This isn't right though, is it?

You're lapsing into thinking everything's been hunky dory, until he just now made a wee mess, that he's not cleaning up.

Reality is, he's been an abusive arse for the entire time, and you've been going along with it (for reasons you will examine and revise) ... until now.

Mark your inner maps ~ There be dangerous thought patterns lurking here ~

If it were me, I would be fixing things, changing, wanting my partner to know I would never treat them that way again, and seek to prove this to them.

Would you trust his motives though?

He obviously thought very little of you & that he could treat you & your house like shit but that you were so enamoured of him you'd put up with it!

Cripes. On the upside, you know you totally dodged a bullet there. Sending best wishes to you and your cat.

Why are people surprised? He obviously wasn't going to blame himself or the kids! OP is a convenient scapegoat - 'crazy cat-lady ex who hates kids'.

Kicking a football in their grandparent's home?! Ridiculous.

But it sounds like the grandparents aren't respectful of other people's spaces either so they've reaped what they've sown haven't they! 🙄

OP you are so lucky that he's gone!

I'm also incredulous at what he told his kids. It's naff all to do with whether you are a mum or not and all to do with the kid's feral behaviour and his lack of parenting!

He's absolutely useless isn't he? This would've been the perfect situation for him to step up and actually parent his children , to remind them about respect.

I'm sorry that you're upset op , but getting angry is good. He's got away with far too much.

The utter dregs, the lot of them. So glad you are well out of it.
Only scum behave like that.

3 year olds know, no kicking a ball indoors.
Things would only have gotten worse.

Imagine blaming you for their filthy behaviour.
Unbelievable.

Oh my God, if you ever needed confirmation that you’d done the right thing, he’s put it in a box and gift wrapped it for you.

And I know it’s easily said, but try not to get upset about him blaming you. He’s done it because it’s far easier than admitting he’s a shit parent and taking responsibility for why his children are the way they are. And now he’s at his parents, as another poster said, he’ll be blaming them for being old. Only when everyone has gotten utterly sick of having their things destroyed and he’s had to furnish a place of his own, will he start to understand how unacceptable their behaviour is. And even then, it’ll be shock and surprise and probably blaming upheaval of moving around rather than addressing his own failings. If he ever moves in with a partner who has children of her own, he’ll be accusing her of playing favourites. He’s a thoroughly inadequate partner and a failure as a parent. This is not about you at all. You are not the crap parent. By attempting to set boundaries, you parented those children better than he did, and you know that. Remove yourself from the equation completely. You know this situation isn’t of your making. Let him blame who he likes. It’s just his excuse. You know the truth.

Now is the start of getting your home and your life back. Knowing that your furniture is never going to have snot or crisp crumbs over it again. You must feel like such a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

Well done op! Make it a resolution to never put up with any man or shitty kids for anything.

Well done for telling him exactly what the deal was, @innersilentscreams
Of course, he does look sad, as his life has just become more tricky and his nanny with a fanny (love that phrase!!!) has withdrawn her services. Worse, his usual manipulation hasn't worked and he couldn't worm his way back in.
He needs to come with a warning for any future partners. Glad he's out of your life completely!

I am a bit weirded out by how this man seems to message / text but doesn’t seem to ring the OP. Realistically he has split up with his partner - but can’t quite get around to ringing her. Maybe I am just old.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I read that as “that’s Wanker Panic” and I feel like that should be a new phrase!

OP, the man is a moron. You’re being fucking amazing.

He said about it: 'The lamp was old anyway so I don't think they (his parents) mind.'
I was incredulous.

Were you really though going on past behaviour?

@innersilentscreams - to hell with being ashamed, I am PROU OF YOU for losing your shit and getting all that off your chest. Why shouldn’t you be absolutely clear about how dismissed and disrespected you felt? Why is the burden on you to hold in your anger?

I am sure your life - and that of your cat - will be far better without them.

I just wanted to comment on the bit where you said he looked sad but not angry - responding in this way allows him to paint himself as reasonable and you as unreasonable. It lets him push the blame on you and hold it there.

He's not sad. He's not sorry, either. He's making it your fault when it's not. This may be the story he needs to tell himself in order to save face, because let's be honest, it's pretty embarrassing as a grown man to have to tell people that your girlfriend kicked you out because you wouldn't accept that your teenage children wiping snot on her furniture was a problem. No reasonable human being is going to side with him over that.

It's worth remembering that for men like this, lying comes as easily to them as breathing, but whatever story he has told other people (including his parents and his kids) is not your problem. Please don't take it personally.

At least, I suppose, he's shown you who he is - he'd rather emotionally manipulate and bully you into extreme distress than take responsibility for his own behaviour.

He's not worth a second more of your time.

FWIW I would bet my house that when the next woman comes along, you are painted as the crazy ex with anger issues.

I know you say you don't feel proud of yourself for losing your temper, but it's completely understandable that you did, given the circumstances. And for him to brush off the boys breaking his parents' property like that!

Please take all this as further confirmation that you have absolutely made the right decision for you (and your cat, who must quite frankly be relishing the peace!)

He still doesn’t get it does he?! Well at least it’s not your problem anymore. His poor parents.