Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

383 replies

innersilentscreams · 03/04/2025 05:55

I thought I'd make a new thread to let you know that I have stayed strong, am enjoying my peace (and cat).
I have to go to work very soon so I will post later this evening, but thank you all so much for your messages and support!

He has messaged to meet up but I have said no. His things are packed up and we have financial issues to sort like joint account and investments so blocking outright isn't doable yet. I am not worried for my safety.

Some lovely colleagues at work have been helpful- especially one who has been in a very similar situation in the past, who said it doesn't get better, only worse.

He's messaged the typical misses me, can't believe how things are text now, but no apology. When I told him the way I have been disrespected and then the way he spoke to me and left was shockingly undeserved, he ignored that and just kept asking me to meet him. I said no.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
AlertCat · 05/04/2025 12:43

innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 12:01

And forgot to add, bagging up all their belongings today.

My mum has messaged, saying she has hoped we would have talked and sorted it out by now. That kids make relationships hard.

I said it isn't the kids, it's his lack of parenting and then walking out, as well as anger, that is the reason we are where we are.

I feel like I keep saying the same thing to both mum and my ex- that it's about the disrespect and then my feelings being minimised and dismissed. My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception, so I have sat and read through my entire first thread.

He did excuse them, didn't offer solutions, but immediately said he wouldn't bring them round ever again, plus was packing his bags too (in the morning). Those things actually happened.

So he has messaged asking for us to talk this weekend. Still no apology. NO acknowledgement of what happened-which I pointed out.

His response was 'I always apologise when I upset you. We need to talk as there are lots of things to discuss, too much to put into messages'.

He said he 'wasn't being dismissive' did validate my feelings (!) but 'also tried to be a mediator by saying the boys are just kids'.

Feel a bit like my head is going to explode.

My mum has messaged, saying she has hoped we would have talked and sorted it out by now. That kids make relationships hard.

Your mum sounds as if she has some internalised misogyny and a fixed idea about how your life should be.

My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception
does this happen with her in other scenarios? It’s an effect of being manipulated and gaslighted. If it’s a pattern you’re familiar with, it may be that she has effectively groomed you to accept this sort of behaviour- his and hers.

So he has messaged asking for us to talk this weekend. Still no apology. NO acknowledgement of what happened-which I pointed out.
His response was 'I always apologise when I upset you. We need to talk as there are lots of things to discuss, too much to put into messages'.

So he lies and gaslights you. No wonder you were so unhappy. It’s the most damaging behaviour I ever encountered in a relationship, I was quite broken by the time I left.

Are there things to discuss, or does he just want there to be because he thinks he can manipulate you easier face to face (probably true as he can overwhelm you and not give you time to process, and I imagine it’s always worked in the past)?

jeaux90 · 05/04/2025 12:42

Gosh OP those SK sound awful. They are headed in the direction of ending up as starring roles in a thread about useless husbands in 10 years time. I am so glad you are out of it.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 05/04/2025 12:41

Can you set up a separate email to use with him? - "I'm too busy and really don't have the inclination to meet you. We can discuss separating the finances here - email@neveragain.
I won't be answering any further text messages."

That also gives you a written paper trail of what is agreed.

Block his number from your phone.

TreacleMoon2 · 05/04/2025 12:38

Who are the 3% of people who have said you are being unreasonable????

Stay strong, you are doing so well.

Autumnnow · 05/04/2025 12:36

I don't like to criticise your mum, I don't know her but assume she's a kind, caring mother to you. However, I think she's completely wrong and can't understand why she appears to be taking his side. As a mother, my instincts would be to protect you from someone who was treating you very badly and letting his undisciplined kids run amok and destroy your personal equilibrium.

I hope you're able to say to your mum that you'd like her support here and if she feels unable to support you then she needs to keep her unhelpful opinions to herself.

Wishing you (and your cat) peace and happiness.

frozendaisy · 05/04/2025 12:19

What if you sent a message saying

It doesn’t matter what we talk about you are never going to move back in here. So if you think by talking I will “come round” and your feet will be back under this table in the not too distant future think again.

Might sort out his motivation, because I still think it’s more that he can pretend to be an adult with a house, your house, letting his kids trash it and behaving like feral brats, but without you bankrolling his housing it becomes much harder.

Or send another message, All I need to know is where to send your stuff. Should it go to your parent’s house and you can sort it from there? I am only going to hold onto it to for a month so you need to let me know soon or it’s being chucked.

Don’t stress OP. Or get in a spin.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/04/2025 12:18

You’re amazing @innersilentscreams - stay strong. What does he mean about things to discuss? Joint accounts etc?

Maybe bullet point to him the things there are to discuss, practical things, if any, and say messages are more than sufficient to cover them. If indeed there is anything to manage in this way?

Emotionally it’s done and any discussions about that will just be more pressure and bullshit from him, so you’re totally right that it’s not in your interest to jump to fulfil his demands!

Fraaances · 05/04/2025 12:16

He’s an expert gaslighter

groovylady · 05/04/2025 12:11

I'd be telling your mum not to discuss this any further with you if she can't support you in not being treated like crap by a pathetic man and his feral kids.
I have 2 dc and nephews and I can assure you it's not "just kids being kids".

dapsnotplimsolls · 05/04/2025 12:07

So is he dangling the promise of an apology if you meet up with him? Arsehole. Only meet up with him with someone else there (NOT your Mum).

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 05/04/2025 12:04

You do not owe anybody updates.
This is your life, not our entertainment!

You focus on yourself and what you need to do and want to do. Updating is not your priority. Or your duty. If you want to never come back and update that is fine too. You have no obligation to play out your story here for others. Please don't feel you do. Only share what you want, when and if you want.

Original poster
innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 12:01

And forgot to add, bagging up all their belongings today.

My mum has messaged, saying she has hoped we would have talked and sorted it out by now. That kids make relationships hard.

I said it isn't the kids, it's his lack of parenting and then walking out, as well as anger, that is the reason we are where we are.

I feel like I keep saying the same thing to both mum and my ex- that it's about the disrespect and then my feelings being minimised and dismissed. My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception, so I have sat and read through my entire first thread.

He did excuse them, didn't offer solutions, but immediately said he wouldn't bring them round ever again, plus was packing his bags too (in the morning). Those things actually happened.

So he has messaged asking for us to talk this weekend. Still no apology. NO acknowledgement of what happened-which I pointed out.

His response was 'I always apologise when I upset you. We need to talk as there are lots of things to discuss, too much to put into messages'.

He said he 'wasn't being dismissive' did validate my feelings (!) but 'also tried to be a mediator by saying the boys are just kids'.

Feel a bit like my head is going to explode.

OP posts:
Original poster
innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 09:16

nomas · 04/04/2025 21:01

Key words being ‘what she wants to’. Not you. So keep your beak out. This is her thread, not your space to work out your frustrations in life.

Show quote history

I will post updates, it's just I'm focusing on looking after myself at the moment, taking it slowly, resting (I haven't been sleeping well, so am exhausted). Work has been very busy, so that's been my priority.

There was a poster on the other thread I think who was asking two days after he had walked out whether I had gotten out there already with friends and hobbies...I didn't reply at the time, but wanted to say that my focus right now is just to exist, calmly, happily.
I am not yet focused on pursuing hobbies, making new friends etc. That will come soon though, when I am feeling back to my old self.

For now, trying to sleep enough, eating enough food, rest, routines, reading: this is where I am at x

OP posts:
Chezxx · 05/04/2025 09:13

OP, read up on "the boiled frog analogy" it will resonate i think on how you got to this place.

With easter holidays coming up, he will be back on trying to guilt you.

Let his family house Mr Snarling and his feral pups.

No longer your problem.

kissmyfatass · 05/04/2025 08:06

ivr lost the first thread can someone link it please

WiddlinDiddlin · 04/04/2025 21:29

Lol... I can well believe he is horrified to realise it has ended up 'like this' ie, him crashing at his parents like a kid again, getting flack from them and probably everyone else he exposes them to over his kids being uncontrolled little arseholes... and no more free ride!

Good. He needs to grow a spine and parent his children to be pleasant humans rather than arseholes.

Hopefully he can remove his stuff ASAP (obviously at a moment convenient to you OP!) and that can be an end to it. Do not cave... if you do it will only get worse! He will not have learned, thats evident from the fact he has NOT apologised or offered any acknowledgement of his failings!

nomas · 04/04/2025 21:01

Gymnopedie · 04/04/2025 20:56

The OP will tell what she wants to tell when she wants to tell it. This is her life, not your soap opera.

Show quote history

Key words being ‘what she wants to’. Not you. So keep your beak out. This is her thread, not your space to work out your frustrations in life.

Gymnopedie · 04/04/2025 20:56

nomas · 04/04/2025 19:20

Tell us some more about what he’s been messaging OP. I love the idea of his panicking at losing his cosy nest.

The OP will tell what she wants to tell when she wants to tell it. This is her life, not your soap opera.

AnneLady · 04/04/2025 20:41

nomas · 04/04/2025 19:20

Tell us some more about what he’s been messaging OP. I love the idea of his panicking at losing his cosy nest.

how embarrassing to be back to mummy and daddy at his age.....

AcrossthePond55 · 04/04/2025 19:26

@innersilentscreams

You are doing wonderfully well! Just enjoy the peace and the purrrrrs.

nomas · 04/04/2025 19:20

Tell us some more about what he’s been messaging OP. I love the idea of his panicking at losing his cosy nest.

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/04/2025 18:46

I need a cat update 😀

Gymnopedie · 04/04/2025 17:57

OP have you told him in words that leave no room for doubt or negotiation that it's over and he's not coming back?

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 04/04/2025 17:33

Gosh no I feel the opposite. My OH is away this weekend, the house is clean, I’m going to binge White Lotus….
Oh hang on, what I’d really like is for a huge man baby to turn up with the 2025 version of Kevin and Perry. I’d be so thrilled to have them crush crisps into my carpet, scratch my Chloe sunglasses, and wipe snot all over my soft furnishings. And it would be such fun to have them shout BORING during every minute of my box set.
Why anyone would opt for peace over such a fun, fun, fun weekend I’ve no idea.