New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

Has he been told it's over? The way he keeps asking to talk is like it's not clear.

I think you've done the right thing. Take time to to find yourself and what your new life will look like.

Say to your mum, I want you to be proud of me that I stood up for myself when someone is taking advantage and not considering me. If you can't do that please don't message mentioning X or the situation again. Thank you.

She's probably the generation where they put up with crap as long seen to be better than single - she's maybe needs a reminder it's not and you matter too.

Those are not just kids and their behaviour is appalling. Your DP is at fault as he failed to be a parent, big time.

I agree that you need to message with practical details about the split. Tell him you won’t be meeting up with him because there’s nothing to discuss that can’t be sorted out by email or text. An apology isn’t acceptable - he shouldn’t have upset you in the first place by letting his kids run wild!

Your Mum needs to be told that while she might be prepared to put up with feral kids and a lazy, ineffective man with a bad temper, you have higher standards. You (quite rightly) prefer to be on your own than be around people who don’t behave with respect and kindness in your home.

This is perfect advice.

Stop discussing him with your mother, she’s clearly got Very Strange Views.

What is the situation with the shared assets? I would be worried he will try for a money grab once he realises his free childcare is truly finished.

Your mum is being very unreasonable. I'd suggest not discussing this with her. Maybe she can mull over the two articles and comments, on her own.
No one deserves the treatment you've had even for one weekend and it would go on forever and maybe escalate. Who knows what would be damaged next among your things? And one snot episode is completely totally intolerable, never mind regular ones... And all this with no effort to change it from their dad? He's no partner to you.

Excellent post and a gold star for effective use of alliteration.

I really like the sound of your dad.

My mum (no longer here) would move hell or high water to avoid me being single.
My dad (also no longer here) was far more pragmatic.
When she started giving her ‘advice’ he would regularly chime in…
What would you rather her do, Pat, marry Fred West?
He would switch it up, usually a serial killer of ill repute. She was still trying to marry me off to her very gay oncologist when she died.
Three years later I met my OH and we are still going strong.
My dad loved him at first sight, and his approval mattered as he had amazing spidey senses.
Take no flipping notice of her. They aren’t buggering her life with bogeys.

Also I would keep anything formal (investments etc) in writing, because gaslighters rely on there being no evidence of what they said or didn’t say. Keep it to eMails.

Both your ex-DP and your mum think that your wellbeing comes far below the needs/wants of DP and his feral children.

I think you only put up with their disgusting behaviour for so long because of the way that your mum raised you not to value yourself and to put men and their children first.

He thinks that he can meet up with you and convince you that you were in the wrong. Do not give him this opportunity. They made you totally miserable in your own home. Neither your DP nor his kids showed you any respect. They are incapable of changing as the issues that led to your DP allowing his kids to abuse and disrespect you and your property/belongings are too deep rooted and entrenched to be easily fixed.

I feel like I keep saying the same thing to both mum and my ex- that it's about the disrespect and then my feelings being minimised and dismissed. My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception, so I have sat and read through my entire first thread.

''Mum, I'd rather be on my own with the cat than be miserable with a twat!'' You don't need the mug to mean it!

Don't meet him, OP. He's relying on you weakening.

Remember, he was onto a VERY good thing with you and he is going to be desperate to keep it. YOU had the short end of the straw.

Fuck him. The entire straw is YOURS!!

@innersilentscreams you could say ‘the only things we need to discuss are x, y and z’ where x y and z relate to practical things (like investments you mentioned etc) and you can also say ‘we can talk about those on the phone’. He doesn’t get to tell you. And your Mum needs to hear you say ‘it’s over Mum’ (I’m sure you have said that - I mean she has to come to terms with it). Glad you are enjoying the peace and quiet.

Agreed.

I worked in secondary schools for 40 yrs. I can count the number of snot wipers on one hand - and they were always feral, misogynistic boys who were deliberately marking their territory in the most repulsive manner.

Her ex's out-of-control offspring are bad enough now. Can you imagine trying to cope with them when they're older?

Agreed. If it's during the Easter holidays, OP should be prepared to walk away if he turns up with the kids.

Re mums... This year my DD3 split with her long term partner (of more than a decade). He and I had always had a great time together, we had a lot in common, I was very fond of him and very proud of his achievements while they were together.

I have not uttered one word in his defence to my DD and have done nothing but reinforce her view that she was right to split with him. It is my job to defend HER, to support HER and be on HER side, whatever I might feel about her ex and the split.

However much I liked him, I didn't have to live with him. She will always be my daughter. Your mum, OP, would do well to remember that.

His response was 'I always apologise when I upset you. We need to talk as there are lots of things to discuss, too much to put into messages'.
From YOUR point of view what do you think needs discussing? Him collecting his belongings doesn't need a discussion, it just needs you sending ONE text giving a time, date, place and a statement saying it will go to the tip if not picked up. That's it. So what is left to discuss after that?

Your response should be "there is nothing to discuss, it is over, please pick up your belongings at date, time, place or tip".

As for your mum - Mum you don't know what really happened, you don't know how he treated me, you have never been the focus of his anger. Why should I accept living with an angry man? If you want to then I suggest he lives with you, otherwise consider this relationship is over and I don't want to discuss getting back together. However I am happy to discuss why you think I am not worthy of having a decent man in my life and why you think I should accept abuse and manipulation.

Stay strong 💪

I don’t care if this makes me sound ageist OP but I would not take any relationship advice from my parents’ generation. I watched the women in my family put up with so much shit all their lives in order to keep things going and am so proud to see that my generation and the generation of women after me are not like that. Don’t put up with shitty men because guess what? You don’t have to. We can now look after ourselves, earn our own money and keep our own homes. A partner should enhance all those things, not take away from them.

Yes, bullet points covering things like:

• his / his children’s stuff has been bagged up - can he come and collect it on {date}?
• joint investments and account - xyz is what needs to happen - can he sign the form;
• the WiFi password has been changed - does he want to take the cameras.

Look after yourself lass, you're going through a rotten time and mum isn't helping x

My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception, @innersilentscreams

Your mother's attitudes and beliefs are what conditioned you in the first place to accept it and put up with it for so long.

I once told my dm that my then-DH didn't know how to iron and just expected I'd do it, which I thought was ridiculous, then when we were splitting up she threw it back at me saying "maybe you should have done his ironing and this wouldn't be happening" wtf??

It was so out there and not what was happening that I suddenly saw it for what it was, her internalised misogyny, which had conditioned me to not realise sooner that exdh was a misogynistic nob.

He’s panicking because it’s the Easter holidays and he’s lost his nanny with a fanny to dump his offspring on.

He e KNOWS what the issue is he’s just doing the equivalent of sticking his fingers in his ears and going la la la la

@innersilentscreams well, if your mum is so accepting of the kids’ behaviour you could relax and let go at her house. Munch a bag of crisps then wipe you hands on her cushions. Pick your nose and flick it across the room. Toss that crisp bag behind her sofa…..somehow I don’t think she’d go for any of it. You get to pass on peeing on her loo, that’s too hard without the correct equipment!

Has he your mum's contact details or vice versa? Do you think he's spinning her a poor me story? Regardless, your mum needs to keep out of it. As your mum, she should be supporting your decision or staying quiet. Please don't doubt yourself. He and the toxic twosome are bad news

My dm wasn't happy I was splitting from exdh. "But he's such a nice man". Yes he is that wasn't why we split. There was much more going on. I lost my rag.

Dh now is a very nice man without the other shit.

I would never take the side of dcs partners unless dcs had done something bad. You haven't.

He is thinking of easter holidays and if he meets you he will bully you.

Mr Snarling is focused on what he wants.
He's a liar.

Sadly when I read about mothers like yours it explains so much.

How you accepted being treated so appallingly in your own home.

How you stayed in the relationship accepting his shocking behaviour and that of his children.

Your mother is toxic.

No decent mother would ever want their child to remain in such a dreadful situation being used.

Your mother does.
She is a disgrace to motherhood.

I know that must be hard to read, but it is the truth.

Your mothers focus is a man at any cost.
Send a daughter who is being abused back for more because she made her bed by choosing him.

Your head is exploding because your gut is the only thing that wants to protect you.

Please mute your mother.
Protect yourself from him and sadly your mother too.

Neither care about you as a person.

"No, you haven't apologised this time and you are well aware this has upset me. I don't think there's any point in meeting up when nothing is going to change, and you are denying what's actually happened".

Send him that. And tell your mum that you and her see it very differently, so you don't want to talk about it anymore. You would just like her support and love as your mum.