New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

Oh dear. He's realised that his and his brats' meal ticket is disappearing but can't quite bring himself to apologise. That's a bit of a bind, isn't it?

Don't doubt yourself Op.

He stropped out never dreaming that you wouldn't beg him to come back.

Words fail me where your Mum is concerned.

He sounds horrible. Stay strong - you and your little cat deserve much better than that x

@innersilentscreams

This may sound crazy, but do you think your mum and your ex have been in touch with each other? They certainly seem to be singing from the same hymn book.

I think it's time to back away from your mum, just for now. Her words are not helping you. In fact they're actively hurting you by making you doubt your decision. And you decision was 100% right. Can you tell your mum that you will be out of touch for the next few days as you need to focus on the future?

As far as your ex, well pardon me, but fuck him. Someone who says "I always apologize" basically feels that they can do and say whatever they want, regardless of how hurtful it is, as long as they toss an "I'm sorry" your way. This gives them permission to abuse. As with your mum, you don't need this. So do you think it's time to block him, at least for a bit?

It's good you're focusing on yourself. But remember that too much time on our own, even 'healthy time', can cause us to focus on things best ignored.

OP, while I usually advocate that people talk rather than rush into things, I really don't see anything for you to gain by talking to him. He is just going to gaslight you and make you doubt yourself.

Any meeting should be along the lines of him apologising and spelling out what steps he will take to address their behaviour so that it doesn't happen again. Once a period of time has passed and their behaviour has improved, they will come for a visit. Instead of that, he will try and convince you how they are "just kids" and how you are wrong.

You made a brave strong decision and don't let him talk you down from that.

You also need to put your mum straight and tell her that the only way this is fixed is by him teaching his DC how to behave... then tell her that it is not up for discussion again.

I said it isn't the kids, it's his lack of parenting and then walking out, as well as anger, that is the reason we are where we are.

I have kids OP, I fully agree with you.
I wouldn't allow them to behave in the same manner as your DP's do so sorry, in my opinion your DM and DP aren't helping, as you say it's not how kids behave that's the problem it's how they're allowed to behave.

I highly suspect that when he said the kids wouldn't be coming over anymore you didn't say no no it's fine leave things as they are, so his panic mode set in and was followed with and I'll also be moving out too.
Again you didn't beg him to stay and his blackmail, for want of a better word, has failed him and now he wants to chat...
How convenient.

Enjoy the peace and quiet, in your own home with your cat and the lighter evenings.

You’re going to have to trust yourself @innersilentscreams & not let your mum or him sow seeds of doubt in your mind.

Would you consider blocking him so he can’t get at you?

He’s realising his easy, cheap life is going. Stay strong. I’ve got a 15 year old and they are shits big no way would he be allowed to be that disrespectful in someone else’s home.

I agree with the PP that said to make it emails only now and only discuss factual matters like the money and possessions.

He is being further dismissive because either it hasn't sunk in that he is out or he is very confident he can turn you around.

Stay silent and he will get nasty because nothing else has worked and that will enamel clad your resolve.

I had an ex I left and I had letter after letter from him. He put more effort into those letters than he ever did in the relationship. It's amazing what they can pull out when their comfortable life is going up in smoke.

I think your Mum is probably of the mindset it’s better to be with someone, regardless of how unhappy you are than be on your own? Is your Mum with someone or living alone, her comments are probably more of a reflection of her own feelings if she found herself in a similar situation.
I think as you say, if he had apologised when you brought up their behaviour and implemented some ground rules, you both wouldn’t be where you are now.
He didn’t mediate between you and his children, he snarled at you that they were just kids and said he was packing his bags along with them. Mediation would have been everyone sitting down together and him going “right feral children, innersilentscreams feels that you are disrespecting her house rules, i want you to listen to her so that you can hear how much you’re impacting her life and home” and then giving them a chance to explain themselves and how they felt.
Enjoy you’re home and peace (with the cat) there is no point meeting up to discuss what had lead to this point because he still feels he hasn’t done anything wrong, and you can’t fix stupid….
Hopefully resolving the joint account/investment issues can be sorted over email and then you get breathe a sigh of relief and crack on with having an awesome life filled with joy.

OP, don't crack under his persistent pressure! He will only put a spin on things, try to convince you everything will be alright going forward but he fundamentally doesn't agree with you or respect you. Sure as hell his kids don't and he isn't parenting them properly. He's now worried he'll have nowhere to take them. I expect he will apologise, send flowers etc but you have this golden opportunity to start a new life without him.

PP are right when they refer to their Mother’s generation having an old fashioned view of relationships. My own “DM” would expect you to stay married or in a relationship no matter the cost. In her view, any man is better than no man.

@innersilentscreams - you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. You don’t need anyone’s approval. You are fabulous just as you are. Enjoy the peace and bogey free life.

#cbt

You should be proud of yourself for ending it and staying strong. I bet your cat is very proud of you!

Your Mum is wrong about it - she has too low standards in men. Please don’t listen to her bad advice, talk to your nice colleagues instead.

Your ex is appalling - I’m glad you’re free of him. He is 100% out of order. I can’t believe he hasn’t even apologised to you! You don’t have lots of things to discuss with him at all. I expect he just wants to try and manipulate you into putting up with more bad behaviour from himself and his ghastly offspring.

#catsbeforetwats

Send your mum a WhatsApp link to the two threads, where she can see 97% of women agreeing with you?

My Mum would only see my point of view if I attributed it to one of my friends that she liked. “I don’t know, Mum, but Tina says I should take the job and dump him. She says he’s deadweight.”

Cue immediate reverse ferret from Mum, “yes, she always has her head screwed on, that’s good advice.” Tina hadn’t said a damned thing either way.

I loved Mum very much, but there were certainly ‘issues.’

I bet a psychologist would have a lot to say about your mum.

She clearly has low expectations for you. And you've ended up with low expectations for yourself.

Hence putting up with this sorry excuse for a man.

She's right about one thing. Kids make relationships hard. Even when youre both on the same page. But when one adult is adamant that the behaviours you describe are OK.... there's no chance.

Sounds like he's had enough of living at his parents.

I can remember there was a prospect who’d asked after me she was hopeful about. He owned a chain of car showrooms. He was actually a nice guy but he was only 5 ft 3 and I’m six foot in heels.
Pat’s advice? Wear flats and get him some built up heels!

That’s OK, I think OPs mum has volunteered 😂

I’m sure your mum loves you and is thinking that you might struggle being on your own, and splitting assets might leave you with less etc

I could be wrong @WilfredsPies but I don't think there needs to be any asset splitting. It's OP's place and he paid his way while there- after being asked - but that's all. He and his badly behaved kids have no rights to be there or take anything.

He is THE problem, and the kids are part of THE problem.

What is motivating him right now. IMO, in order of importance to him:

1. moving out of his parents house
2. not having to pay rent on suitable flat for him with
3. Not having to furnish. Cook & clean his flat

We know he will never sort out his kids behavior, they might even be worse as am sure the are enjoying the fireworks.

Not one thing will change if he/they come back.

You are doing great. You are confident, financially secure & healthy. You can get a new relationship when you are ready.

Keep posting if it keeps your thoughts focused.

:D Thank you so much for sharing this.

I'd buy that book!

Aye, I remember when I was in my twenties, my mum was aghast that I was going shopping sans make-up. Mum didn't wear a lot, but it always went on when she was going 'down the street' - powdered her nose and cheeks, rubbed on a bit of Bourjois rouge and her lipstick. She couldn't understand why I would leave the house without it.

I think she had hopes about a neighbour's son and then about one of the town bachelors. He owned a shop, you know...

Sour ex’s with kids who take issue with anyone and everyone on MN who is, or was, a Step Mum…..

He wants to meet so he can love bomb you, wants to talk at yours so he can convince you to let him stay. So he had somewhere to have his feral offspring next visitation as his parents probably can't stand their behaviour either.

My mum has messaged, saying she has hoped we would have talked and sorted it out by now. That kids make relationships hard… My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception, so I have sat and read through my entire first thread I’m sure your mum loves you and is thinking that you might struggle being on your own, and splitting assets might leave you with less etc. Some people are always going to be of the opinion that it’s better to put up with unlimited amounts of crap in order to avoid being alone. You know that’s not true. You know that, after you’ve spent some time healing and re-discovering who you are, you’ll establish your own life again and you will be happier. That if you’d carried on, you’d have become a ghost of yourself and would eventually start believing that you didn’t matter. That is no life at all.

He did excuse them, didn't offer solutions, but immediately said he wouldn't bring them round ever again, plus was packing his bags too (in the morning) I think I remember from your other thread that when he said he wouldn’t bring them round ever again and you said ‘ok’ he then escalated by threatening to leave you. I remember thinking how bloody manipulative it sounded. First he threatens to remove his children, then when that doesn’t work, he threatens to remove himself to bring you back into line and back under his control as the mild mannered partner who lets him rule the roost. Well fuck that for a game of soldiers. What are you losing, exactly? Yes, you might have had some good times, but I bet they were all on his terms. He’s tried calling your bluff and you’ve held firm. That’s bloody admirable.

His response was 'I always apologise when I upset you Well that would be lovely if it were true, but it’s not true, is it? He’s upset you to the point where he’s left your home and you haven’t tried to stop him. And there’s still no apology. And he won’t. Because he thinks he has the high ground. If he apologises, he’s going to have to admit he was wrong. And he is never going to do that. What he wants is for you to start thinking that you can’t cope without him and ask him to come back. And he’ll pretend that he’s not sure whether it would be a good idea, and tell you how much you hurt him and his children, and get you to the point where you’ll be apologising to him and giving his horrible children free range to just destroy whatever they like.

We need to talk as there are lots of things to discuss, too much to put into messages' Don’t do it. Not yet. Give it just a bit longer, until you truly believe you have made the right decision. You’re vulnerable still at the moment. Tell him that there is nothing to discuss except the separation of your lives and you’ll set up an email address where you can communicate about that. The longer you don’t see him, the stronger you get, the more power you regain and the more you realise how badly he is treating you. He knows this and wants to get you back before you start realising how much he has taken over your life. Keep telling yourself; YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MEET WITH HIM JUST BECAUSE HE TELLS YOU HE WANTS TO TALK.

He said he 'wasn't being dismissive' did validate my feelings (!) but 'also tried to be a mediator by saying the boys are just kids' No mate, mediators are supposed to be neutral and take both sides into account. He heard what you said, and then told you to shut up, stop complaining and let his kids behave how they want and destroy whatever they want.

I was caring for him when I met OP and was also living with him. Been out with OH a few times.
Told my dad I would invite him in after an afternoon coffee date. Dad was a sun god and agreed he’d stay in the garden.
Ten minutes in, he walks in his sunbathing shirts, with piles of toilet rolls. Big fan of bulk buying.
Looked over the top and said to my date…
‘What can I do? When a fella’s got to go, he’s got to go!’ And carried on into the hall and up the stairs.
It was love at first sight.
He was the funniest, most easy going man I’ve ever known and I miss him every day.
Mothers and their utter need to have their daughters have a ‘certain’ life causes so much damage.
To make you laugh. While we were waiting for an ambulance to take Pat to the hospice for the last time she told me to hop on her scales to pass the time.
’What are you?’
’Eight stone four, Pat.’
’That is a shame. You look at least nine.’
She pre-bought my whole funeral outfit (‘there might be someone single there you don’t know’), booked me in for Botox, told me to not wear my glasses, and finally in a very, very poignant moment said to my dad, when she was all of four stone and not a hair on her head…
’Pay for the hairdresser, Frank. Don’t let her use box dye, it drains her!’
As you can imagine, I could write a book about my mother. 😂😂😂😂

@innersilentscreams does he understand what “mediate” means??

his idea of it seems to involve excusing their behaviour and minimising your concern?