To think that parents who don’t control their kids in public deserve public shaming?

I know what you mean op and I do not think YABU. Obviously children have tantrums, that is totally normal and cannot be helped. What can be helped is the complete absence of parenting that allows children to run riot and parents just ignore them. We are currently travelling and I’ve lost count of the number of small children running, shouting and screaming through airports, knocking over other people bags whilst the parents just sit on their phones, rolling around the floors in hotel lobby’s to the point where people are actually tripping over them and the absolute worst is at breakfast. Parents sat staring at screens whilst the little darlings run around the buffet, screaming and carrying on, touching all the food, one child actually took a bite of a muffin and put it back, parents nowhere to be seen. It’s awful.

DD of course had tantrums when she was small but we traveled with her a lot and no, she was never allowed to behave like she was feral, because that isn’t parenting. And it’s unfair to the children. If the parents don’t teach them how to behave, who will?

Well call parents out if you want but within a week you'll be in here complaining because the parents told you to get lost (or something far worse).
If you don't have kids why don't you go out later or to adult only places?
Okay maybe you shouldn't have to but it will end the problem, unless you just want to bitch at people who have kids?
For the record my kids were and are pretty well behaved in public. DS does have some additional needs so we try to go to family friendly places where I would expect others to understand if he sometimes has a meltdown. If he was mid meltdown and you came over moaning I wouldn't be polite.

Talking to a child and trying to distract them when they are in a certain mood almost always makes it worse. There are times when you can take them out of the situation but how about on public transport when you don't have a car? Or simply not eating a meal you paid for because your kid is crying or whatever.

There has to be a certain amount of understanding on both sides. Sometimes kids cry and you can't always instantly sort the issue or hide away because someone else was inconvenienced for a short while.

Actually it worked quite well for a couple millennia.

Parents who allow their kids to be loud, intrusive and disruptive should be ashamed.

Should have lied and said you had kids OP…

I disagree with the shaming but I think I understand what you are trying to say.

I assume you aren’t talking about normal tantrums or kids with SEN, it’s the parents who bring their children to a pub or restaurant and chat amongst themselves whilst their kids run between tables, parents who let kids run riot around supermarkets, who bring children to the cinema and let them talk though films or as a pp mentioned the people who park kids by the toys in charity shops and wander off.
This is different to a toddler having a tantrum because they didn’t get sweets or an overwhelmed child having a meltdown whilst their parents are actively trying to calm them down - even if this means riding it out and leaving them to it.

I think it’s a small minority but it happens, I’ve seen people called out about it on threads before, the one that sticks in my mind is the woman who posted saying she let her kids run round a hotel lobby then couldn’t understand why people were annoyed and someone who posted on the same thread saying she let her kids run up and down the corridors “after 8am!” They were called out about it on the threads and the majority agreed they were BU.

Shaming wouldn’t work as they don’t think they are in the wrong, most people do their best to make sure their kids aren’t disruptive but it’s not always possible.

I think you had the responses you did because you don’t have kids and people automatically think you are judging any parent whose child has had a tantrum or played up in public.
I read your post differently and assumed you were frustrated from lack of parenting rather than just randomly judging any child making a noise.

Why can they not take the child/ren outside till they calm down?, parents can up with a million reasons why they tantrum happens but I cant think of one which means they cant take the child out away from other patrons

How do you know which ones have hidden disabilities?

Ha. Come back and read this thread after you have had kids.

As I said, I did take him home. But that involved picking him up whilst screaming and flailing and his scooter and bag, going inside to pay and then walking for 10 mins whilst carrying him (and leaving our food). There were some other customers outside but fairly spread out. But it’s a judgment call - usually these things end in a minute or so, today it didn’t.

I have children and I agree that parents should try and move their children when they are tantruming and it has gone on for a while. I have seen scenarios where a child is very distressed and the parent just sits there, as if it’s not happening. It doesn’t even look like a tactic, they don’t seem to care.

I think your comment is insensitive as children are their own people. They really are. Yes, there are parents that clearly don’t care and don’t seem bothered, and I would really like there to be a way to identify those parents - as that kind of parenting is neglectful in the long run - but that is something different all together. And I feel that is probably the issue that you are addressing - finding a way to get through to neglectful parents.

When a toddler is in full blow tantrum meltdown there really is nothing you can do but wait it out. They're unreasonable like that. Of course it's best to go outside, but you do just get dirty looks from the people out there instead of the people in the cafe, so you really can't win.

I think parents should try to remove an out of control, disruptive child from a situation, if possible. However, if my older one is having a meltdown I may have to ignore her because the 2 year old is running off and I lack the strength to pick her up (invisible disability). I have also stood in a queue for the pharmacy and chosen to hold my crying child because I’m desperate and have been waiting for half an hour. Had someone called me out I would have burst into tears myself and I’m 40. It’s just not as simple as “sort out your child” Also if it’s a public place like a park (not restaurant/church/bank/shop whatever) and my kid is being totally unreasonable it might be a good call to ignore them. I’m not convinced someone can always reliably tell if a parent just isn’t trying or not.

...and you didn't think just to take him home? You let him behave like this infront of other customers?

I agree OP.

For me, it's not the ignorers so much. It's the parents who have set the tantrum up to happen.

For example, a toddler in an adult restaurant at 8.30pm is never going to be quiet and calm. The situation could have been fully avoided.

I posted on MN when I last called a parent out on this a couple of years ago. I got flamed, as I apparently didn't understand, and maybe that child normally behaved excellently just before bedtime. Or maybe the parents just needed to get out of the house.

I did understand. I was never that selfish when my children were little to expect adult diners paying a lot of money for a decent meal to have to tolerate my overtired, over stimulated children ruin their dinner.

I was in M & S food store this evening and a small boy was screaming and shouting to show his father something (father at one end of the aisle, mother with boy).

Parents thought this was amusing obv. Later I was waiting at the till to pay, same child shouting and roaring. Parents think it's amusing.

Check out operator rolls her eyes and tells me about all the mothers asking their three year olds what they want to eat that night, as they are paying for their food and then the mothers let their children pay with the credit card swipe!

FFS. Why don't some parents just grow up!

I think you are completely misunderstanding how full on tantrums/ meltdowns work. My 2 year old had his first real tantrum today. Unfortunately we were in a cafe though a child friendly one and outside.

There was absolutely no calming him down. I offered him a cuddle, tried to use some strategies from my parenting books, tried to distract. But this made it far worse and he wanted space. So I sat nearby looking like I was doing nothing while he screamed and lay on the floor. And when it didn’t end within 10 mins I took him home (not easy to carry tantruming toddler and all our stuff).

He wasn’t being a brat. It isn’t bad behaviour. Their emotions become overwhelming and they can’t regulate them.

If someone had come over to “shame” me I might have handed over the toddler to them! I really nice lady did come over to say “we’ve all been there”.

My oldest had tantrums all the time as a toddler and I didn’t take him out to cafes etc much as a result but it’s not always easy to predict when it will happen.

Yabu. Very few people deserve to be publicly shamed. Maybe people who enjoy publicly shaming others should be publicly shamed.

Please come and offer your child behavioural cure to my son. He's not a toddler, he's 8. He is autistic.

Well meaning friends and family have tried to talk to him or difuse a meltdown even after I've warned them it will make it worse, then it backfires and now who has to deal with the even more escalated child oh yes that'd be me.

Respectfully, fuck off with your opinions and holier than thou attitude about something you know nothing about.

This is so true

Are you that silly to risk a serious backfire from a stressed out parent? I wouldn't even want to make eye contact with the parent that is stressed or struggling at that moment and have it all taken out on me. No thanks!

Come back when you have a kid who have tantrums in public places miss perfect

Not oddly specific atal, u will be able to know how it feels, u sound like someone i know who said wen i have kids blah blah blah blah, you havnt got a clue, now im being oddly specific

One of the best choices I made as a parent was to make a firm rule that if they played up/ misbehaved I would remove them from the situation as punishment. It meant leaving restaurants when we hadn’t eaten and having to pay for the food. We left the cinema if they refused to be quiet. We left soft play if they tantrummed. It was hard and cost money. But they learnt fast that bad behaviour equals going home and no treats.

I’ve had many many compliments upon their public behaviour. I put that down to teaching them that misbehaviour results in leaving. Yanbu op. I judge the parents who fail to sort their children’s behaviour too.

So speaks a very poor parent who probably lets their offspring run riot.

Fantastic thread to start in a parenting website.

No kids yourself, you say?
<slow handclap>