Too many people care more about their inheritance than the wellness of their elderly parents

Oh fuck off with your silly generalisations. I'm white British and I couldn't give a toss about "my inheritance". I'd far rather that my dad enjoyed his money while he still can. And in the meantime, I bend over backwards to look after him, as my own mum did for her dad before he died.

You and/or your own family might be more interested in what you can inheritance, but many of us have been caring for our elderly relatives for many years.

one other factor is many of these inter generational families are busy passing money between each other an awful lot to buy homes/businesses etc - it is many of their cultural norms to’share’ ‘family’ assets whilst alive and when younger - whereas on the elderly parents thread on mumsnet there are plenty of cantankerous and stubborn elderly parents who would actually hang on to every penny till they die whether they needed it or not

excellent point

A lazy and racist generalisation.

Plus many women who traditionally would care for older relatives work now.

I do think it's wrong that so many want to avoid paying for their own care but the problem is partly because wages are so shit.

The obsession with money ruins families, it makes people greedy.

It's house prices & the obsession with them ever increasing which has fucked things.

Well not all care homes are shit

Also I am one of those people who is determined to dodge care home fees by spending the majority of my money by my late 60s or giving it away to my kids

downsiZing and buying a cheap flat also

@northernsunshine what do you think the way forward is here? People should accept that any potential inheritance goes on care fees? Or that younger children/people should step-up to care for parents/family?

In terms of inter-generational caring, how is this workable for most families? Where often all the adults work? In the past, and in my family, women gave up on their aspirations to care for elderly relatives. Is that your solution? And people are living to be much older and frailer with complex health problems for longer. People with dementia, for example, can be paranoid, violent and abusive. Is it fair for the rest of the family to be subject to that?

I’d really like to hear how you think this should be tackled as a society.

Is your opinion based on personal experience @northernsunshine? Are you caring for your elderly parents? Are you aware of how private funding of residential care works? Private funders are charged more than local authority funded residents. They are subsidising other people's care. When their money runs out, the local authority may decide to not fund them staying in that home. Had they not been paying for someone else's care, they would more than likely have enough funds to remain. Can you explain why you think that is fair?

It is a two tier system which takes advantage of vulnerable people at a time when they are unable to advocate for themselves. I have no problem with paying for care. I have a problem with using my loved one's assets to pay for someone else's care to their own possible detriment.

Many people have very loving relationships with older parents. Usually when that parent was a good, loving parent to them. Some parents were crap or abusive. I'm very glad I don't live in a culture where as a woman I'd be expected to live with and martyr myself to care for an abusive parent. Not quite as rosy as you are making it out to be.

@Tuttifrutticutiepie agree with all that

I did initially vote YANBU as I mistakenly thought it was about grabby people after inheritance. But I now see it is about adult kids not stepping up to care after their parents.
YABU. My mum was a carer for her dad but he needed shopping and meals doing mostly . He refused personal care from his DD as he wanted to keep his dignity.
My paternal gran had vascular dementia and needed 24/7 care. Given all her own children were still working, there was no option other than a care home... and she was psychotic and violent. Her adult kids were not trained in how to deal with that, and could not spend every minute of the day watching her anyway.

I see this a lot. It's one of the many reasons I don't want kids.

To basically be ignored when I'm over 60, with everyone waiting/hoping for me to die... no thanks

Okay you are right.

However, isn't the counterpoint that many of those who are fortunate to enjoy wealth in their retirement, are often happy to prioritise luxury holidays and maintaining their assets over the wellbeing of their immediate descendants who are struggling financially with few assets despite working full time and trying to raise families?

Sometimes the commentary seems a little unidirectional. Younger people should care and support older generations emotionally and practically AND older generations should spend their disproportionate wealth entirely on themselves??? Because they "earned" it, which as a generalisation means they purchased a house in the 90s.

Of course this is a complete generalisation because many older people are impoverished (though those aren't the ones with potentially heritable assets that you refer to), likewise many older people are very generous. However, by the same token many younger people are very caring, generous with their time, unentitled and so on. I actually think, in most cases, it is the elderly person who wants to avoid spending their assets on care so that they can be passed down, and the younger generation who wants to see the elderly person spend their money to be cared for in safety and comfort. So perhaps I see the best in both.

The point I'm trying to make is that you can bash younger people about this as much as you like but there is a simple reason to explain both why they might struggle to support elderly parents and why they pin their hopes on inheritance... that reason is that they are broke working flat out in a COL and housing crisis. Not because all younger people are some kind of unusually cold generation of money grabbing granny stranglers.

A lot of intergenerational cultures the woman ends up caring for her mother in law as it tends to be the sons responsibility to house his parents.

I quite like my mil but I'm not sure I want to look after her with dementia. Half of mumsnetter can't stand thier mother in law even visiting once a year.

My Dad lives with us. We've found a lovely care home which we use for respite. I'd be perfectly comfortable with him being there and that cost is expensive but I can understand why as the costs must be high (it's nowhere near as exorbitant as many).

However, despite the fab care, the menu choices, and the activities he was still desperate to come home (and called me regularly to tell me so!). Living with 35 others has it challenges and it was that he didn't like.

One day, given he has dementia, I'm sure there will be no choice. It's very hard work caring 24/7. But I guarantee you if a home is the best place for him, and where he is happiest, that's fine. Many don't want that though - if there are other options.

OP - you looking after a doubly inconintent parent? Not being able to turn your back on them for what they might do? Not being able to go out without arranging for someone to look after parent.

No - I didn’t think so!!

I’m not interested in inheriting anything from my parents, I don’t need to. I hope they spend it all on making their own lives enjoyable and comfortable for as long as they can.

Guilt tripping about caring for elderly relatives at home is not fair though - very elderly and frail people can live for decades, often with extremely challenging needs. I had an aunt with a form of dementia who lived five years barely conscious in a nursing home bed, requiring round the clock care. The five prior to that she had gradually became doubly incontinent, prone to wandering off, violent, hallucinating and a complete insomniac. In no way could her family possibly have safely looked after her at home, kind hearted or otherwise. Money was nothing to do with it.

Comparisons with cultures and historical periods where the role and other expectations of women were totally different and where living into your nineties with years of multiple medical problems and severe dementia was unusual just aren’t valid comparisons.

As a paramedic who has been to many, many care homes in my 20 year career, I will do everything I can to keep my parents out of care homes, including living with them again, not because of money, but because the care provided in these places is shit and there is no way I will subject my parents to that.

@northernsunshine one other factor is many of these inter generational families are busy passing money between each other an awful lot to buy homes/businesses etc - it is many of their cultural norms to’share’ ‘family’ assets whilst alive and when younger - whereas on the elderly parents thread on mumsnet there are plenty of cantankerous and stubborn elderly parents who would actually hang on to every penny till they die whether they needed it or not , whilst still expecting family help in regards to care - so plenty of people simply aren’t in the position to house elderly parents or pay for care at home or retire early etc. the cultural differences matter .

UK care home fees are crazy compared to those in other countries.

And it’s not getting you higher quality of care or better treated staff.

The disconnect seems to come with our approach to medical treatment for elderly and infirm. There’s a real fixation with quantity of life rather than quality of life.

take a leaf out of the books of more kind-hearted cultures where intergeneratinal families live side by side and where the elderly are welcomed into their homes and cared for by relatives

That is a very naive, rosy view of how it works in other cultures. Some women have a hellish time in intergenerational homes caring for sometimes abusive relatives, but have no choice. At least we have a choice not to care for abusive relatives or to welcome non abusive ones.

Yep, I want every penny I can get from my parents and my ILS because they are and have always been a complete waste of space.

Getting a couple of quid from them will be the only good thing any of them have done or contributed to me, my husband or my kids… ever.
Not likely because they have nothing, so that’s that.

MIL in a home, BIL not keen for her to sell the house, fought us all the way to get her in a dementia home as he wants the inheritance, it’s awful.

Tbf, I think it’s often the other way round. Elderly parents don’t want to see their home spent on care fees, because they had hoped to leave something substantial to their children.