Too many people care more about their inheritance than the wellness of their elderly parents

They are certainly not all shit! We’ve had experience of several care homes - for FiL (residential then nursing), an aunt (ordinary residential followed by a dementia facility) and my DM (a specialist dementia care home, for several years.)?
All provided very good care, from kind and friendly staff. I might add that none of them was by any means the most expensive.

@Nameychangington hit the nail on the head and I’m sorry but many of the guys are very greedy guys too and certainly with one eye on the inheritance

Well all that caring work will be done by women

Aww that's lovely to hear. Glad she had such a happy time there, and thank you for sharing, as it does give me hope for my own future too!

In intergenerational living there are fit, able body non-working people to provide care, often women. Very few people can afford that in the UK.

My 99 year old gm with alzheimers is being looked after by her daughters. My 70 ye dm who is waiting for her 5th heart surgery and 65 ye aunt who has horrific osteoporosis. Their 60 ye brother who "will fight all the way" to stop his mother going into care visits for 1 hour a week. The 2 daughters do half a week each, 24/7 where gm cannot be left alone for a second. The grandkids cannot help as we all work and have kids.

My GM has already outlived one of her kids, she could EASILY outlive my very ill mother, I am terrified. I would have any penny spent to have her in care to protect my dm. But the "family" don't want her in care. In home services are very few and far between so my dm is literally working herself to death.

take a leaf out of the books of more kind-hearted misogynist cultures where intergeneratinal families live side by side and where the elderly are welcomed into their homes and cared for by relatives women. This is free for men, but not for the women whose lives are stolen by providing unpaid care

Fixed it for you.

I do get sick of pious, sanctimonious talk about what ‘other cultures’ do. Indian friends (in India) had 2 live in carers for an elderly parent, in her home, not theirs. As they pointed out, such arrangements are infinitely cheaper and easier to arrange there, than they would be in the UK. And added that it was common.

As for poor people who genuinely have no alternative, a dd who was work in rural Cambodia witnessed the arrangement for a grandmother with dementia. She was tied to a chair outside all day, to a) stop her wandering off, and b) to stop her weeing and pooing in the house. She was then hosed down once a day.
This was the reality for poor people with no alternative.

Plus, as pps have pointed out, it’s invariably the women who are expected to do the caring. If a woman needs to work, what then? People with dementia often need 24/7 supervision - someone on hand ALL day, ALL night - how is that supposed to work if two of you need to work??

It was her choice. The family fought it (especially my mom) but she was adamant. She said the days were lonely and although we all visited we still had school, jobs etc.

So she went and it added years to her life. They organising events, trips to London for shows, had various activities (painting, yoga, etc) and had a gym on site.

She also had a great group of girlfriends she made and a “gentleman” friend…..

And was happy until her last few years when her health gave out.

I have never inherited, but I do have a home and have never been homeless. AFAIK that is not rare.

@Jabberwok blimey that’s cheeky
of them isn’t it- clearly they do indeed need the ‘extra care’ places out there- and pay the appropriate monthly ‘add on’ charge— I’m actually really pro retirement villages and sheltered housing if no nursing care is needed but as you say it’s not great when people are being pushed to go for developments not appropriate to their actual needs

I have no children or other family either. What will happen to me in old age is a huge worry of mine. I do hope to move to a retirement village in plenty of time though. It's good to hear that your grandmother was happy there.

I think what you need to remove is that money buys you choices. My DF was in a grim care home at the end of his life because he became violent and there were very few choices.
poor people aren’t lazy or idle, they are just poor.

Indeed and there are also those facilities in town, but the places I have worked at and where mil lives are very clearly stating "independent living" and all the ads include " young" fit pensioners. And as I have said the managers have been asked to provide care and say no.

I am 57. Would be happy for my 85 and 86 year old parents to live with us and to care for them. But unfortunately I will still be working full-time outside my home for another 10 years, so they are looked after by professional carers in a dedicated home. They worked hard and lived frugally all their life and their savings are paying for their care. I would love to have the utopian lifestyle you describe, OP, and to look after them in the way that societies that are not set up to screw us into the ground do, but I can't as I'm paying a mortgage, supporting a student and contributing to society via taxes instead.

Sometimes it's not a case of not being bothered or not wanting to help or of whinging because I will not inherit anything. It's a case of us living in a society that's so far removed from basic human needs that it's not even a possibility.

While I do agree to some extent, I also think houses in this country often aren't large enough to accommodate intergenerational living! We are desperately looking for a house big enough to accommodate my MIL as well but granny annexes aren't really a thing in this country so we're giving up on the idea.

@Jabberwok that’s slightly complicated though by the fact some developments market themselves both for purchase and rent as ‘extra care’ indeed for some you need to have a GP referral - so I do think they need to be clear where ‘extra care’ cuts off or yes you will find some families seeking to take advantage of the fact that it’s considerably cheaper and preserving inheritance than many care homes , even if you buy on a £800 a month care package.

I think it can be very difficult in this country as often there is no space in our homes to have family live with us. My parents are elderly and live abroad ( ex pats ) if my mum dies my dad would stay there. If my dad dies my mum would come back to the uk. I would happily take either in if I had the space. DD and I live in a small 2 bed SO flat so it would be extremely difficult, my sister has a 3 bed house but 5 of them live there so equally difficult.

I agree but day to day taxes would need to rise by a significant amount for that to happen which wouldnt be a vote winner.

Tbh I would feel gutted about the cost of either of my parents had to go into care not because I'm expecting inheritance from them but I think they will be leaving it to my kids, nephews and niece. And I know my parents would hate the idea of their GCs' inheritance going to keep them alive in a state that both of said they have no wish to be kept alive in. I think they have both left expressond of wish that their lives are not prolonged if it comes up that, but you could still end up living a long time if nothing comes up that might end your life sooner.

Well forgive me for caring about whether myself and my children would be homeless without an inheritance. Some of us don't have the luxury of being selfless.

I tend to agree op, mil lives in a retirement complex and I have worked in 2 others. These are flats that the person owna and there is a manager on site to manage the building. It's independent living and the manager is not responsible for the care of wellbeing of the residents. Although they do tend to keep an eye on them, it's not part of the job

The number of people who move in who have complex care needs, dementia, mobility issues etc. I have heard new residents family members ask the manager to "make sure mum takes her tablet every day" or being requested to provide personal care.

One home had a lady moved from an isolated hill farm, to our bustling town 250 miles away to "he near family". They lived 50 miles away.

Mil had an ex spitfighter pilot, who was moved in with dementia, he'd be visited by family once a week who dropped in the food shop, which he would eat within 3 days and roam around the building and enter other people's flats to steal food. The family ignored all calls and emails to the family from the manager. She called the police and reported him for theft in desperation.

These people were moved in to preserve the I inheritance, they owned the flats so they could be sold when they died

This

Personally I think its disgusting that people work their whole lives then their money and assets are taken away if they need care. This is happening in my family just now and it's making me wonder why I even bought a house if I can't leave it for my kids.

But I'm anti capitalist. I think if you work your whole life, save money and manage to get mortgage free then it should be yours. Elderly care should be free.

I am not bothered about value of inheritance. I am bothered that my parents are planning on leaving my brother more because he has kids, but will rewrite their will if I have kids…makes me feel like breeding stock (to be clear they aren’t leaving the grandchildren money).

They also expect me to run around doing errands for them which I am not longer prepared to do, because they don’t want to waste money on taxis and cleaners and things, and my brother has kids so doesn’t have time. I feel no need to protect the inheritance in the same way my parents and brother

I know a few peoples whose parents improved when they were moved to a home, probably because they were getting stimulation rather than sitting at home alone all day.

My BIL went mental at SS because they weren’t providing 24 home care for MIL, and when they clearly weren’t going to do that he suggested DH quit his job and moved home. He did not want any money going on care home fees.
He’s a twat and she died shortly after anyway so he got his money.