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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny

108 replies

SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:28

My child age 2 was crying so I came to take over and my nanny wouldn’t let me. I said about 3 or 4 times I will give her a cuddle and she wouldn’t look at me and hugged my child and wouldn’t pass her to me. I ended up leaving the room. Is this normal for a nanny? Is it really necessary to be so territorial. I understand she’s doing her job but surely if someone at my work came over to my desk to talk I would look away from my computer and talk to them or let them speak to the client or whatever they were asking to do

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Original poster
SallySooo · 02/04/2025 19:34

SpringIsSpringing25 · 02/04/2025 19:19

I think that would be for the best

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@SpringIsSpringing25 thank you for your comment. I know it comes from a place of thinking you’re protecting a nanny. However what you don’t realise is you’re encouraging a person to terminate an employee who is happy in her job. She left a job prior that she wasn’t happy in. She is happy now. Good employers can raise questions like the above and still be good employers. Have a nice evening

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SpringIsSpringing25 · 02/04/2025 19:19

SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:50

Thank you all for your comments. Maybe I do need to look into managing without a nanny. It might not be for us. All the best

I think that would be for the best

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 02/04/2025 19:13

I am a nanny and have met many, many nannies who get weirdly possessive of their nanny children. There's a strong belief in the nanny community that if you're on the clock the parent should be as absent as if the child were at nursery and if the parent so much as breathes in the same room as their own child then the baby cannot possibly bond with the nanny and will never listen to a word the nanny says.

It's so, so wrong and goes against all attachment theories and the normal pattern of trust and forming relationships.

I would be having STRONG words with the nanny and if she ignored me or prevented me from comforting MY child again she'd be sacked.

224RainandSunshine · 02/04/2025 18:59

We interviewed 10 nannies and I have to say, personality is key. Some nannies we interviewed were clearly very experienced but they were used to managing busy households for parents who were travelling all the time and they expected to come in and have the run of the house. That would have been totally inappropriate for our scenario - one baby and 2 parents who are home a lot. We needed someone experienced but who was more gentle and wants to be given more instructions.

Shetlands · 02/04/2025 18:54

SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:50

Thank you all for your comments. Maybe I do need to look into managing without a nanny. It might not be for us. All the best

Is it possible that the nanny was trying to show you that she can cope well? Maybe she wanted you to see that she can soothe your crying child and you can trust her to do her job?

You said you get on well so perhaps that's a discussion you can have?

224RainandSunshine · 02/04/2025 18:54

Right before we hired our nanny, a colleague from work gave me this advice: it is tempting to treat the nanny as part of the family but be careful and always remember she is an employee, and forgetting that can set you up for long term issues.

Now I have my own nanny, I can totally see how that happens. Little things add up and after a while you can't say anything. You want to give her the space and it's tempting to let her lead but you are the parent and the employer. You need to be more assertive. In that situation, I would have calmly said I'm taking her. And take her. Period.

It's like work. It would be bad management if you could see an employee making ongoing mistakes and only raising that at their annual review. Things need to be addressed then and there, for the nanny's sake too!!!

Original poster
SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:51

Hollietree · 02/04/2025 18:50

Well she felt you were being rude too.

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@Hollietree thank you for your comment but that’s not the case.

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Hollietree · 02/04/2025 18:51

SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:50

Thank you all for your comments. Maybe I do need to look into managing without a nanny. It might not be for us. All the best

Yes I agree

Original poster
SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:50

Thank you all for your comments. Maybe I do need to look into managing without a nanny. It might not be for us. All the best

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Hollietree · 02/04/2025 18:50

SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:50

@Hollietree thanks. If a colleague walked over to my desk there is no way in hell I would not look them in the face. It’s so rude

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Well she felt you were being rude too.

Original poster
SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:50

Hollietree · 02/04/2025 18:49

If you were in the thick of dealing with a difficult problem at work and your boss walked over and tried to grab your laptop and take over, how would that make you feel? And if you said to your boss “It’s ok I’m dealing with it” and your boss tried to grab your laptop a few more times to take over……. wouldn't you feel undermined and that your boss didn’t think you were competent to deal with the situation?

(I understand that a child isn’t a direct comparison to a laptop, before anyone says. Just trying to think of a comparable situation for OP to think how the Nanny felt from her side).

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@Hollietree thanks. If a colleague walked over to my desk there is no way in hell I would not look them in the face. It’s so rude

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Original poster
SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:49

MrsCastle · 02/04/2025 18:46

You said she ignored you, then later said she gave a reason for what she was doing…

@MrsCastle thanks apologies I didn’t realise I use the word ‘ignored’ - she didn’t answer and then said the child needs to eat now or whatever

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Hollietree · 02/04/2025 18:49

SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:28

My child age 2 was crying so I came to take over and my nanny wouldn’t let me. I said about 3 or 4 times I will give her a cuddle and she wouldn’t look at me and hugged my child and wouldn’t pass her to me. I ended up leaving the room. Is this normal for a nanny? Is it really necessary to be so territorial. I understand she’s doing her job but surely if someone at my work came over to my desk to talk I would look away from my computer and talk to them or let them speak to the client or whatever they were asking to do

If you were in the thick of dealing with a difficult problem at work and your boss walked over and tried to grab your laptop and take over, how would that make you feel? And if you said to your boss “It’s ok I’m dealing with it” and your boss tried to grab your laptop a few more times to take over……. wouldn't you feel undermined and that your boss didn’t think you were competent to deal with the situation?

(I understand that a child isn’t a direct comparison to a laptop, before anyone says. Just trying to think of a comparable situation for OP to think how the Nanny felt from her side).

AirFryerCrumpet · 02/04/2025 18:48

SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:43

@AirFryerCrumpet no. This is the problem with these threads - employers are assumed to be potentially full of issues but I am actually extremely decent and very very careful to ensure she’s happy as I know it means my kids will be happy if she’s happy etc.

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It wasn't an assumption it was a question.

Even just popping in to make coffee now and then might by very disruptive for the nanny and children.

Why was your child crying?

Original poster
SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:48

EbbandTheWanderingHearts · 02/04/2025 18:42

It can be hard being a nanny where parents work from home as boundaries can end up blurred. The nanny is trying to do her job and you, obviously, want to comfort your child. I've worked in many shared care roles and never had an issue with parents cuddling their child. Maybe have a chat with your nanny and set out your expectations but listen to her reasons to. I think most things can be resolved with good communication.

@EbbandTheWanderingHearts thanks. I think Nannys need to realise that mothers wish they didn’t need childcare and that they want to be able to hug the child if they’re working at home. It isn’t their child. They’re working. It is a job. Until they have their own child they don’t get to stop another mother from cuddling the child. If the child wasn’t crying it would be different but I was right there

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jennylamb1 · 02/04/2025 18:47

I would leave it a couple of days and then say that you would like to speak to her. Make sure that the children are not present. Outline expectations and that you are the children’s mother although you appreciate their care of them, thank them for doing a good job, however gently push back on appropriate boundaries and ask her what her thoughts are on this.

supersonicginandtonic · 02/04/2025 18:46

How is she meant to be able to soothe your child when you are going to step in? Of course the child would prefer their mum but I'm presuming you can't always be there when your child is upset?

MrsCastle · 02/04/2025 18:46

You said she ignored you, then later said she gave a reason for what she was doing…

Original poster
SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:45

CopperWhite · 02/04/2025 18:43

You are probably making her feel undermined and micromanaged far more than you realise.

You might not think she was being smart but she could be thinking the same about you and considering finding a family that go out to work.

@CopperWhite thanks, this isn’t the case at all. I never step in or appear in the room unless absolutely necessary like if I want to make a coffee and they’re in the kitchen.

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Original poster
SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:43

AirFryerCrumpet · 02/04/2025 18:40

Do you interfere and step in a lot when your nanny is working?

@AirFryerCrumpet no. This is the problem with these threads - employers are assumed to be potentially full of issues but I am actually extremely decent and very very careful to ensure she’s happy as I know it means my kids will be happy if she’s happy etc.

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jennylamb1 · 02/04/2025 18:43

You are the child’s mother and she isn’t.

CopperWhite · 02/04/2025 18:43

You are probably making her feel undermined and micromanaged far more than you realise.

You might not think she was being smart but she could be thinking the same about you and considering finding a family that go out to work.

Original poster
SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:42

We have a good relationship (me and the nanny) otherwise

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EbbandTheWanderingHearts · 02/04/2025 18:42

It can be hard being a nanny where parents work from home as boundaries can end up blurred. The nanny is trying to do her job and you, obviously, want to comfort your child. I've worked in many shared care roles and never had an issue with parents cuddling their child. Maybe have a chat with your nanny and set out your expectations but listen to her reasons to. I think most things can be resolved with good communication.

Original poster
SallySooo · 02/04/2025 18:42

newschoolpals · 02/04/2025 18:37

That’s really strange behaviour, to blatantly ignore you without giving a reason in the moment. Did you talk to her about it afterwards?

@newschoolpals no I am thinking to give some feedback - I have a list of things but want to present it nicely in person when the kids are busy. I think it was just a ‘I’m doing my job and you’re interrupting me’ thing.

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