Nanny

I was a nanny, pre children. I've worked with hands off parents and hands on parents. But when it comes to a situation as you've described, you are the parent. You trump them. It doesn't matter if Tommy doesn't want to eat his peas and has a hug with mum instead (yes it can be infuriating but par of the course) or if Darcy has bitch slapped her sister, been told off and dad hugs their child. If the parent wants to comfort their child, the parent comforts their child.

As a mother, if someone withheld my child from me in my home, and I was paying them for the privilege...we'd be having words.

Goodness me, some of the comments from ‘I’m the employer with the power’ brigade make me feel sorry for nanny’s. Any nanny we’ve had has become part of the family and we’ve always understood the infinite
wisdom in treating the person who cares for your children veryyy well. We would never want to make a nanny feel like we’re the ones with power over her. She has power over your DC.

However I do agree, she should have immediately given you your daughter.

Then again, you didn’t say why your daughter burst into tears. Was it a tantrum? If so I can see why that would be annoying for the nanny.

Crossed post

so nanny was bathing child. Got a bit tired and emotional. It happens

not sure why you went in tbh if nanny was dealing with it

Why was the child crying ?

2yr have tantrums over nothing

sounds like more been told no or off rather then hurt theirselves

@SallySooo, I agree with @CremeEggsForBreakfast‘s comments at 19:13.

You are the parent and employer, yet the nanny was allowed to defy your instructions and put you on the back foot.

A child’s trust in their parents is key to their core feelings of safety and security. You were right there, yet your child saw that you did not comfort her/him, as the nanny forbade it. She breached your right to comfort your own little one, as well as your child’s right to be comforted by her/his mother when she was so close by.

The nanny’s behavior calls for a serious discussion. Personally, I would let her go. Nobody is going to block me from showing affection to my own daughter when she is upset and I am on the scene. No employee is going to exert control and override my instructions.

Perhaps the child was crying because she'd been told no or because the nanny had said we need to do x now and the child didn't want to comply? If that's the case, as the parent you shouldn't come in and undermine the nanny by giving a cuddle at that moment. Perhaps you need to have a chat with nanny about what happened.

@SallySooo No, I really don't think that's it. And as the parent and employer it was weird that you left it. You have the authority in the room. If she's not listening, you don't just leave.

Either you didn't make yourself clear, or she was blatantly ignoring you. Either way, it needs to be addressed.

Edited: sorry was trying to quote the part where the OP was criticising the nanny for not being a mother herself!

Oh nooooo. This would not be the nanny for me at ALL. A good working relationship with a women who cares for your children when you are working is the holy grail.

I love my nanny… sometimes more than my husband (which he agrees is reasonable). I sometimes work from home and we work as a team. I back her up and vice versa. We often fold kids laundry together, tidy their breakfast away whilst chatting at the beginning or end of our day. The children see us working together. She’s now been with us for 8 years. We back each other up like parents do.

It’s not the ‘having a nanny’ that is the issue: maybe this just isn’t the nanny for you and vice versa. My nanny (I don’t even like calling her that- she’s my wingwoman) has 3 lovely young adult children and would never act as you have described.

I can see this from both points of view

she is the nanny you have employed to look after your child and your trust her judgment

equally you are the child’s mum and her employer

the laptop scenario is quite true

the nanny was dealing with the situation and you came in and ‘interfered’

this is how she sees it

yes as a mum I get it’s hard to hear your child cry.

it is very hard for nannies to have a parent working at home if they come and ‘help’ out at situations

you did it to make you feel better as it’s horrible to hear them cry

Would you say that about a midwife or a paediatrician or a teacher who didn’t have children? No, you probably wouldn’t.

I don't think it matters what she thought, or was trying to do, or anything else... You're her employer and you gave a clear work-related instruction, it's not her place to refuse or ignore it.

She can share her concerns or discuss ways of working, she can quit if she isn't happy about they way you want things done, but she can't ignore work instructions simply because she disagrees with it.

She can also set herself as childminder, be self-employed and make up her own rules that others have to abide to. Lots of options available to her.

I think your comments about the nanny not being a mother are unnecessary and catty. Almost like those nauseas people who say ‘you don’t know true love until you have a child’, if you wanted a nanny who was a mother then you should have hired one, not hired a childless nanny then patronise her about not having children.

You are absolutely in the right to want to comfort your child if you are in the room. Some of the responses on here are very bizarre. As a PP has said, a nanny at the end of the day is employed by you to give childcare, they are not the child’s mother and must respect that as part of offering what is ultimately a nurturing yet still professional service. Boundaries are important. In child development, Bowlby’s attachment theory actually places a lot of importance on the child forming a close relationship with a responsive care-giver as part of being able to develop secure attachments later in life. The primary care-giver is the mother, the nanny is there only when the mother is unavailable, much as the key-worker system operates in a nursery setting.

I agree with the poster who said it's the WFH blurred lines.
If you want to comfort your child you ideally should tell the nanny you're taking a 1/2 break and handover properly.

Its not fair for her to have to second guess if you're in the middle of something and just dipping in or if you are happy to comfort entertain your child without her.

I’m not sure they see it quite like that.

We had a housekeeper when I was growing up who would come rushing across the minute you ran a glass under a tap to rinse it, or picked up the iron. She would tsk tsk tsk and say let me, let me and take it from you It was bloody aggravating- especially if you didn’t actually want her to do it. I used to get in a tussle with her, saying no it’s fine, I can fix it.

In the end my mum said please just let her. It’s her job and when you do it she feels criticised, as though she hadn’t got to it fast enough, and she feels embarrassed that she is there to clean and iron and you are doing it. She feels it as a form of implicit criticism and is wanting to demonstrate her usefulness. I think my mum was right. It is annoying, but it’s also only fair to let people do their job.

There is actually a Downton abbey episode where Matthew won’t let Molesley dress him and says it’s ridiculous having someone to dress a grown man. It was actually rude as it was essentially what Molesley wss trained to do and the raison d’etre of his job description. Matthew then realised this and let him dress him and I did flinch a bit as it reminded me of how I’d behaved to our housekeeper.

I can understand your concern OP and think you need a conversation about it with your nanny.

As a pp has already said I think when WFM boundaries can easily be blurred.

Once possible thing to consider is that your child will not necessarily understand you are WFH and whilst you were available in that instance (and understandably wanted to offer comfort) what happens the next time if you are mid-meeting?

Perhaps the Nanny was concerned about setting a precedent that would be hard to deal with moving forward where your little one learns that if she is upset and you are in the house, you will be the person to always offer comfort?

I can imagine that may be quite difficult as the nanny is not only trying deal with the initial upset but also the confusion that mummy isn’t available.

Talk it through with your nanny and listen to what she has to say before coming to any conclusions/decisions.

edited for typos

I agree with this, and I don’t think the comments on here are helpful.

The power is not with the nanny, it’s with the employer. You can’t just ignore your employer when they are instructing you. If the job isn’t for you as the parent sets it out, then leave. Parents should not have to put up with feeling uncomfortable around their nannies and as though their wishes aren’t followed.

The nanny behaved poorly. If she was disgruntled, the right move would be to discuss it with you professionally post incident, not ignore you.