Page 2 | Nanny | Mumsnet

SallySooo · 2025-04-02T17:28:48+00:00

My child age 2 was crying so I came to take over and my nanny wouldn’t let me. I said about 3 or 4 times I will give her a cuddle and she wouldn’t look at me and hugged my child and wouldn’t pass her to me. I ended up leaving the room. Is this normal for a nanny? Is it really necessary to be so territorial. I understand she’s doing her job but surely if someone at my work came over to my desk to talk I would look away from my computer and talk to them or let them speak to the client or whatever they were asking to do

Original poster

SallySooo · 09/04/2025 12:28

DaisyChain505 · 09/04/2025 12:22

I hear what you’re saying and it definitely works both ways.

If you stated from the outset that you were looking for “mothers help’ rather than sole charge and that you would be around the home a lot etc I can understand your frustration with your current nanny.

Show quote history

@DaisyChain505 but what if your employer is rarely home and you like your employer and you like your job. Surely when your employer is there and wants to comfort the child (and 99% of the time doesn’t get involved), you’d say sure no problem understanding that your employer works hard, misses her children, is balancing a lot on her plate and you want her to have a cuddle with her baby as surely it makes your employer feel happy to have you around and have you long term

OP posts:

Original poster

SallySooo · 09/04/2025 12:24

*i wouldnt
say to him (fixing my typo)

OP posts:

Original poster

SallySooo · 09/04/2025 12:24

@DaisyChain505 if my boss said to me actually let
me handle that Q from the client, I would say to him oh you’ve hired me to do this job and now you’re taking it away from me. The reason I’m challenging you is that I see this attitude from some
Nannies (not all) and I can’t help but think who do you all think you are. You’re not better than the rest of the working world. We are all just working hard paying a salary and if our boss wants to do something we can’t tell them to sod off

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 09/04/2025 12:22

SallySooo · 09/04/2025 12:18

@DaisyChain505 thanks, this is the thing. The job that some employers are hiring for is not necessarily what you want to be doing. The job is to balance mum having some input. If you don’t like that then you don’t like the job but the employer isn’t wrong if the job doesn’t fit what you want

I hear what you’re saying and it definitely works both ways.

If you stated from the outset that you were looking for “mothers help’ rather than sole charge and that you would be around the home a lot etc I can understand your frustration with your current nanny.

Original poster

SallySooo · 09/04/2025 12:20

Bear in mind that I’m paying £17 net plus taxes and national insurance and I’m genuinely very polite and careful how I speak to her. I work in the corporate world and have had extensive management training. There are plenty worse employers. @DaisyChain505 in this context is it smart to dig one’s heels in when the employer wants to cuddle the toddler and the nanny can go and handle the other children?

OP posts:

Original poster

SallySooo · 09/04/2025 12:18

@DaisyChain505 thanks, this is the thing. The job that some employers are hiring for is not necessarily what you want to be doing. The job is to balance mum having some input. If you don’t like that then you don’t like the job but the employer isn’t wrong if the job doesn’t fit what you want

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 09/04/2025 12:13

SallySooo · 09/04/2025 11:59

@DaisyChain505 this was my nanny’s view. It makes employers like me feel like the nanny is the boss with an air of arrogance (I am a childcare expert and I’m working and you mother need to butt out) but some employers don’t like that. So is the idea that you’re willing to P off your employer if they don’t like it so long as you get to have your perfect work environment? We can’t design our own perfect jobs. I would love to work from home more but I can’t. I would love less responsibility at work but I can’t get rid of so much responsibility. Etc

Show quote history

It’s not about being arrogant it’s about being hired to do a job but then someone coming along and taking over from that job therefore undermining you and letting the child in question know that the nanny’s word means nothing and that they can run off to the parent in the house whenever they don’t want to do what the nanny says.

If you hired a cleaner you wouldn’t walk in whilst they’re hoovering and take it off them and do it yourself, you’d leave her to do what you hired them for.

Im not saying you should be zero contact with your child or the nanny whilst you’re home but you need to also have some boundaries if you want the situation to work.

WoodyOwl · 09/04/2025 12:11

This would massively piss me off. I don't think I would have walked away. Definitely have a word with her about boundaries and expectations.

Original poster

SallySooo · 09/04/2025 12:09

gmgnts · 09/04/2025 12:06

Thanks for the updates, OP. What's has been the outcome? Did you have strong words with Nanny, or even sack her?

@gmgnts thanks, we had a chat and cleared the air but I’m having a. Think about what next. There are a number of instructions not being followed but lots of good work being done too. I will try to make it work

OP posts:

Original poster

SallySooo · 09/04/2025 12:06

Increasingly Nannies are finding it harder to find work because people work from home more. Surely nice employers who work from home and are still willing to spend a substantial portion of their salary on a nanny are harder to find these days. Making us feel a bit rubbish in our own house isn’t great

OP posts:

gmgnts · 09/04/2025 12:06

Thanks for the updates, OP. What's has been the outcome? Did you have strong words with Nanny, or even sack her?

Original poster

SallySooo · 09/04/2025 12:00

I would like a more collaborative relationship with a nanny. I don’t think it’s too much to ask

OP posts:

Original poster

SallySooo · 09/04/2025 11:59

DaisyChain505 · 03/04/2025 08:34

Nanny here….I no longer take jobs where parents work from home/are home a lot because it makes my job 10x harder.

I will be direct and open about this to new parents when meeting them.

Children behave completely different when their parents are in the house in a negative way and if you’re trying to butt in and take control of a situation it is confusing the child and telling them you’re in charge and the nanny isn’t therefore leading to them not wanting to listen to the nanny or running to the parent every two minutes because they know their word over rules the nanny.

@DaisyChain505 this was my nanny’s view. It makes employers like me feel like the nanny is the boss with an air of arrogance (I am a childcare expert and I’m working and you mother need to butt out) but some employers don’t like that. So is the idea that you’re willing to P off your employer if they don’t like it so long as you get to have your perfect work environment? We can’t design our own perfect jobs. I would love to work from home more but I can’t. I would love less responsibility at work but I can’t get rid of so much responsibility. Etc

OP posts:

Original poster

SallySooo · 09/04/2025 11:44

DaisyChain505 · 03/04/2025 08:34

Nanny here….I no longer take jobs where parents work from home/are home a lot because it makes my job 10x harder.

I will be direct and open about this to new parents when meeting them.

Children behave completely different when their parents are in the house in a negative way and if you’re trying to butt in and take control of a situation it is confusing the child and telling them you’re in charge and the nanny isn’t therefore leading to them not wanting to listen to the nanny or running to the parent every two minutes because they know their word over rules the nanny.

@DaisyChain505 thanks for this. How do you feel about the fact that you might unintentionally make your employer feel unwelcome in their own home or your employer feeling nervous to come and see their toddler after not having seen them all day? How do you feel about the fact that your employer may increasingly look forward to your home time so that they can feel at home? I work but not as a nanny. I know that to get ahead I need to be liked and people need to enjoy my company. Surely by making it so clear you don’t want the parents around, you’re less likely to be wanted around?

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 03/04/2025 08:34

Nanny here….I no longer take jobs where parents work from home/are home a lot because it makes my job 10x harder.

I will be direct and open about this to new parents when meeting them.

Children behave completely different when their parents are in the house in a negative way and if you’re trying to butt in and take control of a situation it is confusing the child and telling them you’re in charge and the nanny isn’t therefore leading to them not wanting to listen to the nanny or running to the parent every two minutes because they know their word over rules the nanny.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 03/04/2025 08:16

SallySooo · 02/04/2025 19:34

@SpringIsSpringing25 thank you for your comment. I know it comes from a place of thinking you’re protecting a nanny. However what you don’t realise is you’re encouraging a person to terminate an employee who is happy in her job. She left a job prior that she wasn’t happy in. She is happy now. Good employers can raise questions like the above and still be good employers. Have a nice evening

Show quote history

you resent her you resent her bond with your daughter and you said several times that you just want to do without her. You're not doing her a favour employing her, and she's not gonna be happy given your attitude.

autisticbookworm · 03/04/2025 08:05

I would book in a review with her and go through any concerns you have. It’s your choice of how to run things but it’s her choice wether to accept it.

MrsCastle · 03/04/2025 08:00

I like the suggestion above, it seems fitting to say “can we talk about what happened the other day”

be open to hearing how each others action affected you and come up with a plan going forward

I’m wondering if she was cross with you and that’s why she didn’t look at you

MrsCastle · 03/04/2025 07:50

I guess the question is OP, did your child get settled??

if it did then you weren’t needed, I’m wondering this is what is bringing up feeling for you (which would be completely natural)

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 03/04/2025 07:39

Calliopespa · 02/04/2025 19:45

I’m not sure they see it quite like that.

We had a housekeeper when I was growing up who would come rushing across the minute you ran a glass under a tap to rinse it, or picked up the iron. She would tsk tsk tsk and say let me, let me and take it from you It was bloody aggravating- especially if you didn’t actually want her to do it. I used to get in a tussle with her, saying no it’s fine, I can fix it.

In the end my mum said please just let her. It’s her job and when you do it she feels criticised, as though she hadn’t got to it fast enough, and she feels embarrassed that she is there to clean and iron and you are doing it. She feels it as a form of implicit criticism and is wanting to demonstrate her usefulness. I think my mum was right. It is annoying, but it’s also only fair to let people do their job.

There is actually a Downton abbey episode where Matthew won’t let Molesley dress him and says it’s ridiculous having someone to dress a grown man. It was actually rude as it was essentially what Molesley wss trained to do and the raison d’etre of his job description. Matthew then realised this and let him dress him and I did flinch a bit as it reminded me of how I’d behaved to our housekeeper.

Show quote history

This is a really interesting take and you're probably right except the job we're talking about here involves an actual human child and it's parent. If the nanny takes the parent/child bond as a criticism then she needs to find different work.

I have worked for many, many WFH parents and the key to a healthy environment for the child is not the parent staying away, it's the nanny remembering who the parent is. A child can have two parents who pop in and out of rooms and go about their daily chores without acting up everytime one of them appears. Being able to give a quick cuddle while you make a cup of tea then go back to what you were doing should be normal. There's no reason this shouldn't be the case with a nanny.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 03/04/2025 06:02

I think it’s odd. We had a couple of nannies and neither behaved like that. You need to be insistent in such circumstances.

Twinkletoes10 · 03/04/2025 02:30

It's very comforting for a child to get a hug from their Mum, particularly when stressed or hurt. Nobody else can provide that level of reassurance. If it happens again nothing should stop you from providing a big hug for your child. I wouldn't be happy with a nanny who can't understand that

Calliopespa · 03/04/2025 02:21

gmgnts · 02/04/2025 22:40

I remember the absolute visceral rage I felt when my father-in-law refused to let me comfort my crying 9 month old. I felt like punching him! I didn't of course, but I forcibly took DD from him. It didn't help that he was always trying to undermine me as a mother, nor that she was crying because he had put her in her rocking chair without strapping her in, and she'd fallen on her face! Circumstances are very different to yours, OP, but I still feel it's important never to come between a mother and her crying child if mother wants to offer comfort. I agree with those who say that this is an employee defying an order from her employer, and I would be having strong words or even letting her go.

I can understand why it would be very triggering with your FIL because firstly he had caused the problem through ineptitude, but secondly ILs can be assertive of their relationship with a child. There also isn’t really a reason for a FIL not to let you comfort; it’s not as if he’s paid to help you out with the child.

However I do see the nanny situation as a little different. It would be quite reasonable for her to think she is employed and paid to help free the mum from childcare while she is in the home. I expect the motivation was really just to demonstrate she was up to the task. Without getting very creative, I can’t really think of any plausible reasons or motivations beyond that.

Maybe just clarify op ( with children out of earshot) that if they are upset when you are home and you are free to do so, you would prefer to be able to comfort them yourself, that you know she can manage it fine but as a mum sometines it is instinctive to want to do it yourself.

That way she is less likely to feel you are only stepping in because you feel she is not managing. I think she probably resisted to demonstrate it was “all under control.”

gmgnts · 02/04/2025 22:40

I remember the absolute visceral rage I felt when my father-in-law refused to let me comfort my crying 9 month old. I felt like punching him! I didn't of course, but I forcibly took DD from him. It didn't help that he was always trying to undermine me as a mother, nor that she was crying because he had put her in her rocking chair without strapping her in, and she'd fallen on her face! Circumstances are very different to yours, OP, but I still feel it's important never to come between a mother and her crying child if mother wants to offer comfort. I agree with those who say that this is an employee defying an order from her employer, and I would be having strong words or even letting her go.

AxolotlEars · 02/04/2025 22:23

You are the boss! What you say goes!