Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

But, it’s still free money, in that you don’t work for it.. I’d just forget it. She chose not to have children, you made different choices. 🤷‍♀️

I think you are both as bad as each other here. She is fortunate, yes. It’s free money, you also get free money , But you could improve your own circumstances by working more and relying on benefits less , your friend works full time so maybe thinks that is unfair to?

being lucky to live in a world where our government gives benefits that support people putting food on the table.
Actually the fact the government supports families in putting food on the table and offering discounted childcare, is lucky, very lucky, there are plenty of countries who offer very little help to citizens.

There’s a big difference in being lucky to have £50k handed to you to buy a house and being lucky to live in a world where our government gives benefits that support people putting food on the table.

Poorly modelled parenting or relationship in the previous generation. More trauma in teenage tears and the normalisation of codependemcy.

Which is why it is illogical to be offended by the comparison. If the friend is lucky, so is OP.

Why are so many women having children with shitty men? I remember being 16, in love but I knew that the handsome cool man I dated wasn't marriage materiel so I enjoyed it while it lasted and protected myself ofcourse. Met DH when I was 23 and we had our first dc when I was 30. I was sure that he was a decent person so even if we were to go separate ways for whatever reason he would always be there for his child. For me that was the minimum requirement for having a child with someone. I can't understand how anyone can be so selfish as to not think about what kind of father the man you get pregnant with will turn out to be. Sure, you got all tragic things that can happen : illness, death etc but so many women are having babies with men that have no values in life and are then surprised that they don't metamorphise into perfect dads..

Maybe she would be able to work more if the father of her children stepped up and did some parenting?

@lolly792 Exactly. It suits people to get the benefits and reduce hours.

And if you work less, you earn less….

This. You were unreasonable first.

This is wrong. The 16 hour thing no longer exists as UC goes by wages earned rather than hours worked. If you are going to benefits bash at least get your facts right.

What alternative is there?

Agreed. From someone who didn’t get parental help or benefits, you are both being given money.

Exactly. 16 hours is only slightly more than 2 days a week, it’s a bloody joke.

Well, that’s because you both made different life choices and your lives have turned out very differently.
She was just saying you both got/get money for ‘free’. If she’s a good friend, move on from it. And avoid talking about money in future, since it’s clearly a touchy subject for you.

@SapphireSeptember The usual work pattern to maximise benefits is 16 hours a week. I bet she’s not full time. Obviously no one works too much so they limit benefits! It’s one of the reasons why we have so many issues with the economy.

Also you admitted yourself that your friend has only just managed to buy after years of renting: rent which she’ll have been paying out of her own, earned income, not money provided for her. And as I said before, 50k doesn’t get anyone very far in the housing market in the U.K. She’s probably got a hefty mortgage which again, she’ll only have been able to secure through having a strong track record of full time employment. Mortgage lenders are very rigorous these days: there’s probably no way she’d have a hope in hell of buying if she only worked part time as you do.

you said it yourself, you’ve taken different paths in life. You made an unnecessary comment, and it sounds like she retaliated with her comment. But it’s not logical or reasonable for you to take offence. She’s being factual: you are being handed money you don’t earn, on an ongoing basis. Someone only working part time, with 3 children is presumably getting a pretty large chunk of their rent paid for them, plus any other money you receive in benefits each month. These are straightforward facts. It sounds like however much you protest that you’re thrilled for your friend, you actually feel resentful. The only person you should feel resentful toward is the man you had 3 children with who is letting the taxpayer fund them rather than being a decent parent.

She would still get benefits if the ex paid for his children in maintenance. It has already been explained. She would just have more money but a big chunk of it still coming from the tax payer.

She didn't say “well yeah, lucky you got handed £50k on a plate!” though, did she. She said " I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way."

Of course it's possible to invent shitty things she might have said. However, if we are to believe anything she says, she didn't say them.

I thought about this last night, then again this morning, and in short you’ve both had your lives made tougher by feckless fathers. Her dad and your ex. This is something that you can both be together in.
Maybe look for common ground here instead of falling out. Pin the blame squarely on useless men shirking their responsibilities, not each other doing the best you both can.

I don't see why you were offended.

If I were you I would have agreed that, yes, you do get money for free and that you too are fortunate.

You are both lucky to live in such a generous country, a country with safety nets for families in the form of Social Security, with NHS, and with tax systems that don't make it difficult to gift or leave inheritance monies to children for house deposits etc.
You need to make contact with your friend. She was not deserving of being ghosted by you. She merely made an obvious observation.

I don't believe those numbers.

The only tax that the poorest households would pay is VAT. That's a maximum of 20% and wouldn't be paid at that rate on the majority of their spending - e.g. rent, food, energy bills, etc.

Additionally, the poorest 10% will have an income that's 100% provided to them for free by the taxpayer. Anything they pay in taxes, such as VAT, is actually being paid from their benefits income.

Even if OP is working part time she might still be paying income tax and National Insurance depending on how much she earns, and anything she buys with VAT on it, so it's not necessarily 'free'. I presume OP also had three kids with her ex BEFORE he buggered off and refused to pay for them, and can only work part time (as many mothers do) in order to fit around childcare and school etc.

I highly doubt OP chose to raise her children with a 'tax funded gift'. It's not her fault her ex won't pay for his own children. He is the real recipient of the 'gift', swanning off without having to put his hand in his pocket.