Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

She gets free money YOU get free money. Don't really see the difference. Other than our taxes supply your money and her dad has supplied her with cash.

You choose to have 3 children!
and the rest of us are paying our taxes
so you get to that ,
actually I’m so over the benefit system, I’ve worked since I was 16 near retirement now and still working, I understand why people around you find it difficult .

Sure some people on MN have a real problem with benefits.

But I don't think it's wrong to say both of them are objectively 'lucky". I have many friends from overseas and in their country state support rarely exists to the extent it does here. In most of Asia/Africa you work full time or you don't have food. Admittedly this is made easier by a more communal culture so you neighbour who is retired will likely pick up your kids from school and watch them until you get home.

But in terms of monetary support, nothing. My husband's family couldn't work during COVID and the state gave them the equivalent of £50 for the 1 and a half year lockdown, if we hadn't sent them money who knows what they would have done.

I think its wonderful that in the UK we have governmental safety nets for those who need them (my mother raised three kids on benefits, my dad left when my twin sister and I were two, elder brother 5) and for several years my mother survived on benefits) but she was aware of how lucky she was, that she lived in a country where she was given the help she needed in the circumstances she was in, yes it was hard for her, she would have loved to take us on holiday, and many other things.

But she was aware if we had been th family we were when her mother was young, it would have been so much worse!

Agree with majority of comments..

Both “free” money. If I was being super honest at least her free money will have likely been taxed and added to the economy already, rather than at tax payer expense…

That said if the father(s) are still alive/able to work, the root cause of you requiring benefits, is not necessarily your fault, but the fact the father(s) should be pulling their finger out of their xxx.

She’s correct. You have both done nothing to earn the money you are receiving.

Why am I and other taxpayers paying for your kids when their father(s) contribute nothing!

I get it in a way. One of my childhood friends had five children, subsequently her and her late husband were given a council house on a life time tenancy and they claimed benefits whilst both retraining.
I bought a house with help from my parents and claimed benefits for a short period of time after first becoming a single parent.
Now were both working full time and neither of us claim benefits. I'm paying the mortgage and bills for my children, and she's paying her rent and bills for her children.

The money you have had has provided a different life? I don't see the difference?

I think maybe you should have said something like ‘you deserve that money after all the years you haven’t had him in your like and I’m so glad for you’ you could still call her and say this. It would be a shame for you both to feel hurt over something that you both see a s a good
thing but just said in the wrong way. I hope you resolve this as good friends are hard to come by

They’re both unearned income. That’s a similarity. There are also differences.

I got UC when I was working full time, so...

It might, it mightn't. It was just a general observation (of topic I know, sorry).

He’s not paying for his children. That’s all we need to know, really.

I don’t agree that people are showing “unspoken prejudice” or “ thinly veiled dislike towards benefit claimants”. People are openly critical of the current benefit system (or some aspects of it) and open about their views.
They also openly challenge back when someone considers themselves entitled to benefits without acknowledging that they are lucky to live in a country that allows them to claim state support.
Nothing unspoken or hidden here, the OP gets the support she and her children require and are entitled to. People just point out she could be grateful for it, considering it’s not earned money.

This may not be the case here unless you think it probably is because they claim benefits?

@TheFatCatsWhiskers1 "Sometimes people make decisions which they believe to be good decisions at the time, but they later turn out to be bad decisions. This usually happens because most people cannot predict the future. Sometimes people don't make good decisions because they don't know what a good decision looks like."

That's my point though : I knew what a bad decision looked like "thanks" to my parents and I did not want to repeat it. I also said that shit can happen on the way so there is no foolproof decision. But if you choose to have a baby with someone who is smoking dope/being antisocial/involved in criminal activity or just a lazy fucker then don't be surprised he won't change just because you add a baby. I've got plenty of empathy for the children born to these "fathers"...

Sometimes people make decisions which they believe to be good decisions at the time, but they later turn out to be bad decisions. This usually happens because most people cannot predict the future. Sometimes people don't make good decisions because they don't know what a good decision looks like. This might happen if they have grown up without a blueprint of what healthy relationships look like, for example

Yes, this is true, but then dont go around being jealous/bitter of people who have made sensible decisions - it's not their fault either is it? begrudging her friend a house has no bearing whatsoever on the situation of the OP. Her friend buying a house doesnt mean that she has taken her share of anything.

We all make mistakes/decisions we think are ok but turn out bad at times and that applies to all of us- but the point is- the responsibility for those decisions is still ours -regardless of why or how they happened.

Benefits are paid by the tax payer….. inheritance or lump sums like that will have been taxed to bits already.

@Donetrying1 I think most comparisons have centred around neither person working for the money they have received. I think many do think single parents should be supported but it’s costing taxpayers to do this. It’s not unreasonable to think a father who pays nothing wasn’t a good bet in the first place. So we make choices and have to inhabit that bed. It’s good we do support single parents but it’s also better if they acknowledge others are paying. Just like the dad who chipped in for the deposit. Choices in life do matter.

Reading through the plethora of comments on this thread (no idea why, but l was interested) the one thing that jumps out from so many of them is the thinly veiled dislike of people receiving benefits.
There are several castigating the OP for having 3 children and not stopping at one or two. Nowhere does it state in her post what her marital position once was, only that now she is a single parent, so she could have been 'respectfully married' and her husband left her. There are others saying she could choose to work full time, nowhere does it state what her children's ages are so maybe they're very young and full time would prove impossible for her. However the sentiment remains the same; she is in receipt of 'free money' which puts her in the same category as her friend. Personally, l find these comments as unpleasant as any jealousy the OP may have shown towards her friend.
My comment will prove unpopular and that's fine with me, but like it or not most people seem to harbour unspoken prejudice whether they care to admit it or not.

Not really. Free money is free money. Different choices = Different opportunities. The comparison is only offensive if you are ashamed of the source of the money imo.

Yes the 'free money' she has been given has elevated her life to a new level that you curently cannot attain, but your 'free money' has elevated your life by providing a roof over your kids heads, food on the table etc that is directly comparable. Her base line is higher because she works, so getting a sum of money elevates her life to a level beyond where yours is because you do not have that secondary source of funds (she has income + free money, you just have free money). Your lives are both impoved in a way beyond what you are able to provide through the support of others.

This is absolutely no judgement on either of your life choices or souces of income, but I can't see she's done anything wrong here, she's just made different choices in life so her resources (time available to work, time need to spend caring for others, income earned from that time) only have to provide capacity for the needs of one person not four.

You sound a bit jealous of your friend. Can't see what she has done wrong. Sorry.

It’s all true, though, however little you like to hear it 🤷🏻‍♀️

A bit like those who put more in their pension so they can get the funded hours...or is it only bad if the low income people do it?

Gosh, you must be so busy being perfect that you fail to pick up on your dearth of empathy. I realise this must be an upsetting concept, but has it ever occurred to you by that other people don't think and behave exactly as you do?

Sometimes people make decisions which they believe to be good decisions at the time, but they later turn out to be bad decisions. This usually happens because most people cannot predict the future. Sometimes people don't make good decisions because they don't know what a good decision looks like. This might happen if they have grown up without a blueprint of what healthy relationships look like, for example.

If you're still confused there are books that cover the concept in more detail, like this one for example https://www.whsmith.co.uk/Product/Cori-Bussolari/Empathy-Is-Your-Superpower--A-Book-About-Understanding-the-Feelings-of-Others/15497419?