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AIBU?

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Original poster

Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

412 replies

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:18

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

OP posts:
llizzie · 03/04/2025 23:19

How many on benefit realise that they are saddling their DC with the interests through generations?

MsDitsy · 03/04/2025 22:01

I agree with most other posters. You had three children that you cannot support without being given free money from tax payers. I do wonder why you find it more acceptable to take handouts than pursue the childrens father to support them. Just saying he doesn't help financially doesn't cut it. Your last comment sounded like you were very jealous despite claiming you aren't. The fact you may never own your own home is not her fault. She may have got free money but it wasn't taxpayers money.

Hengaoxingrenshini · 03/04/2025 21:45

NavyBee · 03/04/2025 19:17

I’m astonished at all these people who think getting a benefit is comparable to getting a large cash gift from a relative. And those who say ‘after all you chose to have children’ (presumably that was when you were in a relationship with your ex so therefore in a different position financially). It’s not. It’s a very different experience and people are not ‘lucky’ to get a benefit except in the sense that they are lucky enough to live in a decent society that recognises that looking after individuals and families who are not able for whatever reasons to earn enough/ support themselves is the right thing to do. Getting an advance on inheritance IS lucky! But I’m guessing friend felt a bit awkward about this and that fuelled her thoughtless response. Still - be shame to let that damage an otherwise good relationship.

@NavyBee

But we are lucky to live in this country, many countri a that don't offer benefits, don't because they as countries do not have th GDP to do so. Is it wrong to suggest that we should all be thankful that we live here benefits or not. (I grew up in a house that relied on benefits and I am so thankful and recognise how lucky we were to be provided for).

I think the issue is probably more of a situation where two people talk about money and get embarrassed and awkward and therefore says things without thinking.

I think you're right about friend being flustered. I genuinely believe there are few topics in life that are more awkward to talk about than money. Maybe OP's friend was being harsh... Maybe she was flustered and said something she didn't mean and feels to awkward to follow up, how many of us can say that's never been true of us, I know I can't

orangedream · 03/04/2025 21:45

Poppingmad123 · 03/04/2025 21:14

Op do you not understand 50k is nothing when it comes to buying a house! It will be swallowed up in no time. Whereas your free money will continue! Instead, how about you tot up how much free money you recieved over the years and see if that’s any less than 50k. I bet it’s actually more.

Yes, no harm for the OP to add up how much she's receiving in benefits each year and for how many years. I'd say the friend's gift of £50k is nothing in comparison.

Poppingmad123 · 03/04/2025 21:14

Op do you not understand 50k is nothing when it comes to buying a house! It will be swallowed up in no time. Whereas your free money will continue! Instead, how about you tot up how much free money you recieved over the years and see if that’s any less than 50k. I bet it’s actually more.

Ilovecleaning · 03/04/2025 19:53

ThejoyofNC · 02/04/2025 18:22

What exactly has upset you so much?

She is upset because her friend is saying ‘My inheritance is free money, just like your benefits.’

IVFmumoftwo · 03/04/2025 19:46

I didn't realise women get pregnant by themselves. Maybe we give the OP a bit of slack and lay the blame more at the absent dad?

GabriellaFaith · 03/04/2025 19:44

You were rude.

She is right - both been given money for nothing.

You seem annoyed like you think it's unfair, but they are ultoue choices and she just made a point back.

Buzzingabout · 03/04/2025 19:41

I think she mistook your remark about how lucky she was as you being jealous of her and flashed back a remark quickly in defence. It all depends on the tone you used and facial expression. Also she might have suddenly felt a bit guilty and embarrassed about telling you and feeling that she might appear boastful, so defensively said it was the same thing as your benefit money. Frankly I feel that you are envious or even jealous. @2021x Big shame to fall out about this. Try to mend the friendship in whatever way you can. Offer to help paint or garden. Stop feeling envious as it will show through.

Dogsbreath7 · 03/04/2025 19:38

My reading of it is you are jealous it eeks out of your post. Not just the money she was gifted but the fact she is single and child free.

I didn’t have a child until I was 40. Used birth control. It does work if you choose to take control of your fertility. And in that before time I graduated worked bought a house etc.

I was also raised in a single family household. In poverty. I knew I did not want to repeat.

You made your life choices. As did your friend.

TizerorFizz · 03/04/2025 19:20

@NavyBee From the point of view that neither are earned by the recipient. Benefits are a gift from society but are not earned. Neither is a gift from a parent.

NavyBee · 03/04/2025 19:17

I’m astonished at all these people who think getting a benefit is comparable to getting a large cash gift from a relative. And those who say ‘after all you chose to have children’ (presumably that was when you were in a relationship with your ex so therefore in a different position financially). It’s not. It’s a very different experience and people are not ‘lucky’ to get a benefit except in the sense that they are lucky enough to live in a decent society that recognises that looking after individuals and families who are not able for whatever reasons to earn enough/ support themselves is the right thing to do. Getting an advance on inheritance IS lucky! But I’m guessing friend felt a bit awkward about this and that fuelled her thoughtless response. Still - be shame to let that damage an otherwise good relationship.

asrl78 · 03/04/2025 19:10

Annascaul · 03/04/2025 10:51

He’s not paying for his children. That’s all we need to know, really.

Show quote history

My immediate question is why is he not paying?

TizerorFizz · 03/04/2025 19:00

The state gets its money from taxation that either we or business pays. Then it borrows and our DC will pay. Obviously benefits were introduced to tide people over and now they are an expected gift every month for years. The OPs friend has had help but one assumes it’s an early inheritance.

I’m with the poster who thinks talking about money will be a disaster. What will the op do if she’s invited to this woman’s house? Not go? Lives vary. People move into different circles. Maybe the friendship has run its course?

Yaaaassssssqueeeeeennnnnslay · 03/04/2025 18:58

3 kids on PT hours is a bit of a luxury IMHO. I work FT to pay for 2 kids, without any benefits of any kind, which is okay but I’m not sure I want to hear from someone on UC complaining that they can’t afford a house.
We all make our choices. Without kids, I’d be pretty well off. Your friend has only herself to worry about. You decided to have 3 children so your circumstances differ again.
Perhaps when your kids are older you can move to FT, get off benefits and have a different lifestyle.

Comparison really is the thief of joy.

Pennyswimsplash · 03/04/2025 18:53

Will you all choosing to have a free money off the state rather than work for it? I don’t quite understand what you’re upset about in order for you to work part time. Many others have to work full-time.

llizzie · 03/04/2025 18:45

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:18

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

The seeds of resentment are very slow to start.

Don't let them speed up in growth.

IVFmumoftwo · 03/04/2025 18:36

This "I pay for your benefits" is just boring.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 03/04/2025 18:35

Imagine that your good friend may have been jealous of your top ups, ability to work part-time, while she works full-time for probably the same amount.

Finally she has a break, you decide that you are outwardly jealous of her luck. Terrible behaviour from a friend.

You need to acknowledge your luck too.

Silvertulips · 03/04/2025 18:34

Because benefits are a safety net if the father doesn't step up?

Read that again! Why ‘if’ there should be no ‘if’ they made the children they should contribute.

The only difference here is friend has luxury money and OP doesn’t.

You’ve been friends for 15 years - ring her

Yaaaassssssqueeeeeennnnnslay · 03/04/2025 18:34

Aren’t proving for their kids I mean.

Yaaaassssssqueeeeeennnnnslay · 03/04/2025 18:33

YOU get my tax money to make sure your children are better off in life, I don’t actually disagree with that at all. I’m glad we have a system that helps children whose parents are providing in full, for whatever reason.
But it seems your looking at friend with a bit of a sneer over her ‘easier’ life…

IVFmumoftwo · 03/04/2025 18:32

GiveDogBone · 03/04/2025 18:09

She’s correct. You have both done nothing to earn the money you are receiving.

Why am I and other taxpayers paying for your kids when their father(s) contribute nothing!

Because benefits are a safety net if the father doesn't step up?

ShelfyElfy25 · 03/04/2025 18:30

I agree with your friends viewpoint, sorry OP.

Hengaoxingrenshini · 03/04/2025 18:30

@theusualdrama

I think this is a.clasic.case.of talking about money. I don't think there is a country in the world, where talking about money doesn't make people feel awkward.

It really does sound like a conversation of crossed wires, where you've both said things that were intended to be kind and have been received in a way other than intended.

I think it these situations I would always want to think the best of my friend, because I know there are so often situations where I am unintentionally thoughtless and I would want my friends to think the beat of me.

Maybe send her a text and say something I know that conversation was awkward but we've been friends for a long time, let's put it behind us and assume we both had a rubbish day!