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AIBU?

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Original poster

Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

412 replies

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:18

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DrEliGemstone · 02/04/2025 18:52

She got a gift from her father, you get a gift from the taxpayer 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re making a very big deal out of this and it seems to be because of jealousy.

murasaki · 02/04/2025 18:52

You've both had free money. And hers isn't paid for by tax payers.

Hazel665 · 02/04/2025 18:51

Well you are being supported by the state, and she has just been a little bit supported by her dad.

lolly792 · 02/04/2025 18:51

Don’t understand the issue. She may have detected a bit of jealousy in your comment that she’s lucky, when from her perspective, she’s a full time worker, she hadn’t had 3 children and is only able to get on the housing ladder with help. And what she says is factually correct: you’re also receiving money which you don’t earn (as you only work part time)which pays for many of the things she presumably funds herself.

it sounds like the whole conversation was a little clumsy but I really can’t see that she’s done anything awful

Idonthavemytoolsmycloak · 02/04/2025 18:50

I get where you're coming from OP. Her money is a huge lump sum that she can use to better her life in any way she wants. Your money comes in bits and you don't have the choice to use it to better your lifestyle (from what you've said). The two really aren't comparable. And I also don't think you were tactless for saying she's lucky - she is!

MushMonster · 02/04/2025 18:50

I think your friend got upset by your comment and stroke back. It is likely that the relationship with her father is wobbly, as he has not been there for years. Many fathers do try to buy approval and affection in those circumstances. It is not easy. Your friend will have a mixture of resentment and gratefulness and nostalgia, sadness, happiness, many emotions. You should not have put your finger in the wound. It is not nice of her to retaliate either. But we are all humans.
Text her, say you are sorry to have upset her, as it seems she got upset. Leave it behind you both.

Bruisername · 02/04/2025 18:49

Are you upset because you think you have earnt the benefits in some way by having kids?

I suspect she thought you were having a dig and had a dig back

also you have had a long relationship - perhaps over the years you have made comments that have made her think you take the benefits for granted?

Is it worth losing a friendship over?

Ablondiebutagoody · 02/04/2025 18:49

I don't see the problem. You both recieve money from other people. In fact, I would guess that over the years, you probably receive more

IPM · 02/04/2025 18:49

Meadowfinch · 02/04/2025 18:45

You had the confidence to have children.

Perhaps she desperately wants children but hasn't because she doesn't feel that she will be able to afford them. Maybe she envies you your family and the govt support that allows you to provide for them.

You've both been given money. You use yours to feed & clothe your children, maybe she will use hers to sort out her house and then she can work less and risk having a baby.

You never know people's unhappinesses unless you go inside their heads.

Perhaps she desperately wants children but hasn't because she doesn't feel that she will be able to afford them. Maybe she envies you your family and the govt support that allows you to provide for them.

Or maybe like millions of other women around the world she doesn't want to have children.

And maybe she doesn't need to envy the OP because she's living her best life and now has a new home to add to it.

Either way, both the OP and her friend are doing their own thing in life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2025 18:48

Your latest post shows you are jealous, despite saying you’re not. You made the first unhelpful comment, she replied in kind. Just let it go.

Plenty of people would consider you lucky to have 3 kids you presumably wanted, and to work part time, and to get benefits. But you don’t seem to think that’s fair and you haven’t explained why.

Mrsttcno1 · 02/04/2025 18:46

I don’t really understand what it is that’s bothering you, you both are getting money for free, and you chose to have children?

Meadowfinch · 02/04/2025 18:45

You had the confidence to have children.

Perhaps she desperately wants children but hasn't because she doesn't feel that she will be able to afford them. Maybe she envies you your family and the govt support that allows you to provide for them.

You've both been given money. You use yours to feed & clothe your children, maybe she will use hers to sort out her house and then she can work less and risk having a baby.

You never know people's unhappinesses unless you go inside their heads.

BassesAreBest · 02/04/2025 18:45

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:40

I get where people are coming from, but the support I get helps me take care of my children’s basic needs like food, clothes and paying the rent and bills. The money she’s received has opened doors for her to better her life and possibly own something valuable one day. For me, owning a home feels so out of reach, so I don’t share the same perspective. That’s really what’s bothering me.

But you chose to have children, so the money you’re getting supports that choice.

She doesn’t have children, so the money she’s getting supports her choice to buy a house.

I don’t think either of you have been particularly tactful. But I also don’t really see there’s anything to fall out over here.

2024onwardsandup · 02/04/2025 18:45

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:40

I get where people are coming from, but the support I get helps me take care of my children’s basic needs like food, clothes and paying the rent and bills. The money she’s received has opened doors for her to better her life and possibly own something valuable one day. For me, owning a home feels so out of reach, so I don’t share the same perspective. That’s really what’s bothering me.

You’re jealous of her basically. She made her choices not to have children or life happened that way and she works full time. You made your choices.

IPM · 02/04/2025 18:45

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:40

I get where people are coming from, but the support I get helps me take care of my children’s basic needs like food, clothes and paying the rent and bills. The money she’s received has opened doors for her to better her life and possibly own something valuable one day. For me, owning a home feels so out of reach, so I don’t share the same perspective. That’s really what’s bothering me.

The fact is you're both still getting money you didn't earn.

That's all.

No big deal.

Overthebow · 02/04/2025 18:43

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:40

I get where people are coming from, but the support I get helps me take care of my children’s basic needs like food, clothes and paying the rent and bills. The money she’s received has opened doors for her to better her life and possibly own something valuable one day. For me, owning a home feels so out of reach, so I don’t share the same perspective. That’s really what’s bothering me.

Does it matter what each of you use the money for? You’ve made different choices and have both got money for free.

Crazycatlady79 · 02/04/2025 18:41

I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support

Why would you say this, though?

Both of you were tactless towards the other.

BobbyBiscuits · 02/04/2025 18:40

Hmmm...I'd say it's her problem rather than yours.

Neweverything25 · 02/04/2025 18:40

You are overthinking it. Do you think she is also upset right now? Not worth losing friendship over unless there other issues or you can't get over feelings of resentment. Just call her to hang out and move on...

Original poster
theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:40

I get where people are coming from, but the support I get helps me take care of my children’s basic needs like food, clothes and paying the rent and bills. The money she’s received has opened doors for her to better her life and possibly own something valuable one day. For me, owning a home feels so out of reach, so I don’t share the same perspective. That’s really what’s bothering me.

OP posts:
mummyh2016 · 02/04/2025 18:39

I think she thought you were making a dig. She’s not wrong though is she.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2025 18:38

Why are you upset?

Btw you don’t get benefits because your ex doesn’t support you? It’s because you work part time and have 3 kids isn’t it?

batsandeggs · 02/04/2025 18:35

I’m not clear what has upset you?

Arlanymor · 02/04/2025 18:33

Tactless on both sides - the comparison was that you are both in receipt of money that neither of you have earned through work, right? As I say, tactless, but is it more than that in your view?

2024onwardsandup · 02/04/2025 18:33

You are getting benefits for free - how is what she said incorrect?