Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

Sadly fathers are not held responsible. American has it right chasing down deadbeat fathers, removal of driving licence, imprisonment, it is not perfect but a good effort in comparison to Ireland and the UK.

You are living in la la land.

I’ve been both sides of the fence.

Single motherhood having to claim benefits is utterly shit. Utterly. Shit.

I suggest you stop ready the Daily Fail headlines.

@spicemaiden The OP decided to have 3 children with a man that doesn't contribute to their upkeep.

I'm sure the CMS are shit, but it's not worth spending any money on enforcement if CMS doesn't impact benefits, is it?

That's would just be even more expense for the taxpayer and the only beneficiary would be the person that's already being supported by the state.

The thiught that the two situations are in some way equivalent. I don't think claiming UC because your situation makes it very hard or impossible to support yourself is "lucky". Being given £50,000 certainly is!

I think I would have been offended too. 50k for a lifetime without a father isn't support. And in purchasing a home it's not even a massive dent it's just helped a bit. If it were me I'd be messaging to say I'm so sorry I just realised how that sounds and I didn't mean that way.

the comment to benefits was a knee jerk response to what you said

The OPs benefits allow her to work part-time. Part-time is a massive luxury that most people, especially those without children, cannot afford. The OP has the luxury of time.

I'm sure any stress caused by claiming UC is minimal compared to having to work full-time. I would much rather be able to cut my working hours in half and be topped up by the state but I don't have kids. There are plenty of single parents who work full-time. If the OP feels so hard done by then she can become one of them.

The idea that single parent families where the parent works PT and gets UC can only afford off-peak camping trips in Skegness is laughable. The OP could conceivably have a higher income each month than people who work full-time and earn just above the benefits threshold.

It was a very thoughtless and quite ridiculous thing to say.

A £50,000 lump sum for a house deposit is a VERY different financial windfall then a monthly benefit 'top up' so you can literally make ends meet and feed your children and heat your house.

I challenge you to go through the CMS and see where it gets you when ‘father’ (aka sperm doner) continues to hop about addresses, jobs, moves country or claims he’s self employed..

why are Mumsnetters so invested in revealing just how wet-behind-the-ears they are?

m what a sheltered life you must live.

I think you need to re-read the OP.

Her friend compared a £50,000 windfall from a former feckless father and the luck of not having a feckless partner, to a subsistence living trying to do one’s best with three children, a feckless father which the state will not force to do his part in raising said children, working part tinbecaue yhd state eong support single nuns to work full time, and basic benefits.

I think you’ve had a privileged nerve hit a little too hard.

Totally - you’re both the same!

Why aren't you claiming money from your ex for child maintenance? Perhaps then you wouldn't need the "support" you get from the taxpayer.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s the equivalent or not.
the op has no right to make shitty, snidey comments to her friend. The friend hit back and OP didn’t like it. Keep your mouth shut in future and try not to be so jealous.

Well the OP doesn’t have her father in her life either so it would seem lucky.

Sorry but why should I pay for you to have children when the feckless father refuses to pay?

How on earth people see having to claim UC as a single parent as equivalent to being gifted £50k by a parent completely beats me! I’d be upset if it were my friend too. I’ve recently gifted my dc a house deposit and I’m grateful I can-and so is he. He would never compare it to someone claiming benefits and knows he’s lucky.

What are benefits if not free money then?

The OP will have received a lot more than £50k during the last five years.

She's probably getting £25k+ a year.

....or all 3 of them could be like the OP and in receipt of benefits to support 4 people.... you really can't assume that having kids will ensure you produce net contributors.

Oh good, another benefits bashing thread. Benefits aren't free money and neither are they a gift from tax payers.

Your friend has obvious felt a bit resentful of your 'free money' in the past or she wouldn't have called it that. That's why she took the opportunity to jab back at you when you said she was lucky. I think it's hard for women in such different circumstances to stay friends because both feel that their life is tougher.

It sounds like she was offended that you said she was lucky. Maybe she feels sensitive about people potentially judging how she came by the money. (She didn't earn it. It's not fair that she has it and they don't.) Pain over her difficult history with her father may be tangled up in there, as well.

Maybe she doesn’t feel lucky to have not had her father in her life for years? Maybe he would have supported her much more over the years if he’d been around and this lump sum being knocked off future inheritance feels… hollow? Or like she’s been paid off for all the years apart? Not right to compare it to benefits but I think you may have upset her first and she was trying to niggle you a bit.

Comments In this thread are yet another example of why we need an entire generation of women refusing flatly to have children.

and whay a mess that wood create if it actually happened.

It’s infuriating the short shifted ness and lack of basic critical thinking skills here on MN.

it used to be a place I admired - now it’s just a fess pit of people passing judgment and lacking in the most basic of critical thinking skills

There don’t seem to be many consequences for the father do there???

This is incredibly short sighted given that her children will be contributors to the generations pension pot if they’re working.

I just chose you as a random sample @2024onwardsandup
of people effectively saying, that as they both got money for free they are both virtually in the same position, which I don't really agree with at all.

One of the best friends received an -almost certainly deserved ĺarge gift - from the father she was reunited with. This friend was able to buy a house for herself with the help of the large gift.

The other friend, @theusualdrama, works part-time and receives a benefit from the government to enable her to actually feed her children and herself, keep a roof over all of their heads, and clothe them as well. I doubt that the OP has any money left over for "luxuries". By luxuries I mean things like going to the cinema, taking her children to a theme park or a zoo for the day. I particularly doubt that she can afford any holidays - except maybe for a wet camping trip in Skegness during the second week of Wimbledon!

The OP probably has to qualify for her benefit, which can also lead to a lot of stress for many people (sorry, but I don't know the necessary requirements for people being able to access any of the benefits), but even in my ignorance, I don't expect that any of us would ever feel jealous of the OP, and her financial status, whereas some of us might feel jealous of someone suddenly receiving a large lump sum, which enables them to be able to buy their own home.

Both friends had less than ideal childhoods, as did I, and probably at least some of the other Mumsnetters. I just can't understand how so many of the PPs cannot see the differences between the OP and her once best friend.

Edited for typing errors.