DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

It might be for some parents, including OP's DH. What's wrong with making that decision as a parent for a 15 minute walk? We're not talking about a day out.

But OP's DH hasn't as far as we know.

And rightly so. It's a horrible, patronising thing to say, and implies that he doesn't know what he is doing with his own child. It's the sort of thing you can get away with saying to an older sibling, but not to the child's other parent. He is quite right to be pissed off at that.

Apart from the running near the road thing, it sounds like you have way too much time on your hands OP. Back to work perhaps?

You suggest carrying a child on your shoulders instead of ‘the hassle of a pram’. Are you a man? Nonsense indeed.

Completely agree with this. It can be a race to the bottom amongst parents as to who can be the most switched off and unaware. It’s not teaching them independence - you just look like you don’t care.

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare

Aside from the main thread concern, I think we need to unpack this more to get a sense of what is going on in this relationship.

That sounds quite controlling. Has he mistaken you for a housekeeper? Do you work?

Please see your GP rather than asking on here….all you’ll get is ‘how awful you are’ from those who let theirs run off /trip up, end up in a&e when could have been avoided how they parented properly. I see it all the time in the park/soft plays….
i actually don’t think you are unreasonable but I do think you need help managing your anxiety and your DH needs to understand it /help rather than be argumentative.
I am anxious and do a lot of ‘be careful’ ‘make sure you hold his hand’ ‘ don’t turn your back’ but not because I don’t trust my DH, more as a mother I do literally have eyes in the back of my head/ I can often foresee what could happen . Whereas honestly I think it’s just not instinctually in men . I think it needs to be worded better so that it’s not just shouting /demanding to your other half. Were you anxious before? I know a lot of mine came from the fact we had a lot of ivf and I can’t conceive again so I worry as he’s my only child.
it also gets much better as they get older and more independent too btw ..

It's so interesting reading these replies.

I am a grandmother, collecting frequently from nursery and primary school. I am constantly astounded by the lack of concern shown by virtually all the young parents as their small children run around car parks stuffed with giant SUVs, any one of which might be just about to depart and unable to see the small person just below their bonnet. I never hear anyone calling their children back to them.

Parents speed down a tiny narrow cul-de-sac, weirdly oblivious to the toddlers trotting out from nursery and the fellow parents emerging from behind parked cars to put their tots in their car seats.

Yet I get the impression from my grandchildren's parents that it would be embarrassing if I were to call out to my grandchildren to come back, or be careful.

I am mystified as to what has happened in the years since I was the parent.

Why is allowing the children to be free range in all situations more important than their safety? Surely the freedom bit can wait till they've actually made it to an age where they can be aware of traffic?

I don’t think you’re ruining your kids life, but you’re slowly ruining his by constantly telling him how to parent and making him feel like he’s doing a terrible job with his own kids. Telling him to “be careful” when I’m sure he is being, must really grate his last nerve.

Yes, you must have.

I get the whole be careful with the newborn baby because my ex clocked ds on the doorframe carrying him upstairs a couple of times

Sorry to tell you, but a lot of them are not reasonable. If my partner said them to me I would be very upset. In fact my partner’s parents are like it and it has caused much upset in the past. Examples like - I’m walking my toddler on a wall - “be careful that’s so high up!” Or me supervising my children playing and MIL shouting out “arghhh” like they are doing something dangerous and I don’t care. The constant pick pick pick is damaging.

I mean this kindly but no, I never felt I had to tell my partner to be careful with carrying our newborns upstairs. Even on the day we returned from hospital. If he had said the same to me, I would have been deeply upset.

It sounds like you might benefit from some help for your anxiety if you haven't had that? Unfortunately he's right that it's not very healthy for your children, and it's not good for your relationship with your husband either, constantly telling him what to do. I understand how anxiety makes you feel and you want to control everything to keep them safe, but you do need to trust him with his children.

I feel like all your examples are totally reasonable and not ott, so I guess I must have OCD and be anxious too! I think I'm normal!

“I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap.”

seems that because your first post was quite long, many posters didn’t bother to read this far before jumping in and taking his side and criticising your concerns and the way you feel.

it strikes me from this part of your first post that he is actually quite demanding and controlling himself. Is he nice to you OP? Or do you feel like you are running “his” household? In this kind of context, I’m not surprised you are somewhat anxious and fearful.

Hi OP I just wanted to give you a bit of moral support as I am just like you, I see danger, I can’t help it, it’s a part of who I am, and I know it can be annoying to others.
I’m much older than you so have had a lifetime of it, I hope you can get some therapy to ease the strain, but we are who we are, maybe we love that little bit too much 😊

I see someone already recommended sertraline. I had pp OCD too and it was completely treated with this medication. I would try it...the examples you give do paint a picture of someone struggling with OCD and it will also be very difficult for others to live with

I have sympathy for you OP. Sometimes when one partner doesn’t seem to have any thoughts of safety, it feels like the full emphasis is put on you. I expect you’d rather he met you halfway, but it’s hard as a mother to not predict catastrophes, if the other partner is not doing anything at all with caution.

You are not being unreasonable at all. He sounds very cavalier. He is making you feel like a nag, and as if you are over reacting because he isn't taking due care with the children. He's not taking on board what you are saying, so you have to repeat yourself so you feel bad. He needs to listen and he needs to be more careful.

I agree this is a tricky one. My mother is an over anxious parent and my dad is a clumsy one. He once closed the car door on my head and dropped me as a baby (both accidents). But on the other hand my mum is a nervous wreck. You both need to meet somewhere in the middle. Ask hubby for a serious chat, say let’s talk tonight after the kids are asleep. Say yo our OCD has affected you and you are aware you are over anxious. But also say that sometimes you feel like DH is not aware of some dangers that you can see. Ask if you can both meet in the middle, say to him if he agrees to try hard to be more careful and make an effort then you will try equally hard to make an effort in being less anxious. Then somewhere you’ll meet in the middle. Have constant catch ups and check ins. Give praise to one another and reflect on how situations have gone. After living with difficult parents I now see communication is key. Honesty is key. Self-awareness is key. Best of luck to you.

I have OCD. I also live in a busy London Borough.

My kids have to hold hands waking to school. People drive like lunatics here.

They aren't allowed to ride scooters to school. It's too busy and there are too many people. The school have banned scooters and bikes from the school grounds .

I try to really think about is my fear rational or not. In that moment it can be hard but it's good to think, reflect and do things different next time.

Ive really worked on building trust with my DC. She was a flight risk when she was little and I have some mobility problems so I kept her on reins. We'd go to the park and practice being off the reins and having good listening. Once I could trust her to listen I allowed her to go further. Make it a game. We played Stop, wait and come back. Once she got that I have her landmakes like stop at the black bin or stop at the gate.

I get why your husband is irritated. He feels you are micromanaging him and stunting the kids development. I think you need to reflect at the end of the day. Are their things they can do that you stopped them doing because of your own fear? What could you do differently next time.

I don't think its helpful to hold resentment. Is your H keeping a record/score of your perceived failings? Maybe relationship counselling will help.

From one anxious, sleep deprived mum to a 1yo and 4yo to another, kindly YABU.

I would be absolutely anxious in all those situations (apart from the abduction one, I think that’s a bit OTT!) but I really bite my tongue as much as possible around DH. What you have to remember is he loves your DC as much as you, he is the only other person in the world to love them that much so he will care about their safety just as much as you. You need to trust him.

You aren't ruining their lives but you might be ruining your relationship by micromanaging your dh's parenting. You obviously have differing perceptions of hazards but who's to day which of you is right or wrong? If kids don't take risks and make mistakes they don't learn but also total lack of awareness of risks puts kids at needless risk. I think unless it's an absolute no brainer (like imediate risk of severe injury and death) then you might need to back off and let him and the kids make their own mistakes. If he wants to carry a heavy child home then let him....they aren't at risk her. If he wants to be the twat parent who's toddler is tripping people up, let him get on with it.

I do many of those things listed in your OP too (and I don’t even have OCD/anxiety). It’s hard to not worry about your children sometimes and if you’re anything like me I always imagine the worst.

Slowly over time I’ve been trying to relax more about things and hopefully you will too. You’re certainly not ruining their lives, that’s a bit of an exaggeration from your DH!