DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare...

"Expected" why/how/by whom? If he's not doing his fair share - which may or may not be half, depending on the other responsibilities each of you have - of the work of parenting and of keeping your shared household running, that's a likely source of resentment and even animosity.

Apart from that, it sounds like the two of you have different levels of risk tolerance and different views on how children learn. Those need to be discussed and understood so you can come to a reasonable compromise; no one should be getting angry because someone else thinks/feels differently.

Not wanting a two year old to run off is perfectly normal as is half your list

Reminding him that he moaned the child was heavy? Meh I wouldn't bother I might shrug and say it's your back or don't moan at me if your back hurts again but that's it

His reaction isn't the greatest btw unless your literally like this with every single interaction

The abduction fear in broad daylight when you are just behind them is totally insane

Act is better for anxiety.

Dh took dd to the park when she was maybe 2.5 and let her go on the ‘big girl swings’ she fell off. Face planted the floor and ended up with a face full of stitches.
Not once did I chastise him for not being careful and never before nor since have I told him to watch them or be careful. He is their equal parent and accidents happen. You need to get some help with your anxiety

You do sound quite controlling. Your husband is allowed to parent his children his way, you don’t have the right to dictate everything and it is not healthy to eliminate all risk.

I know you are not trying to be controlling but you are controlling.

Your are his wife - not his boss.

You will drive him absolutely insane. I know I wouldn't last long with my partner continually telling me what to do.

You are insulting him as a father by continually telling him he's not up to the job.

It's negative.

Do you really think he would harm your children if you didn't remind him not to all the time?

If the answer is actually yes, then you don't trust him.

Where there are problems in relationships, the one would has raised the issue and is never listened to usually leaves over time.

Try to find a better way to deal woth your anxiety.

The thing is, it’s really not OK to seek reassurance in this way. I get that you feel you need it, but your needs are not more important than anyone else’s and you must learn to manage your feelings otherwise you’ll ruin your marriage and your children will resent you if you continue to restrict their freedom as they grow older.

You need to learn to differentiate significant risks (I’d put the running on the pavement next to a busy street without holding hands in this category) from the negligible ones (running ahead in a park, most of your other examples), and you may need more therapy to be able to achieve that.

Seems to be a fact that someone who is asking for constant reassurance comes across as controlling. I had a manager at work who kept on checking or commenting on what I was doing, and it left me quite paranoid.
I think you should try to stop, OP. Could the two of you discuss what worries you over a cup of tea rather than in the moment? Eg, does DC still need the scooter holding on a busy road? On a quiet road? Is there any possibility that the way DC sits on DP's shoulders could lead to an accident? When you've agreed something, try to resist pulling him up all the time.

Are you getting help with your anxiety? If not maybe this thread can help you see it's not your DH who is the problem here. Anxiety is ruling you and you say you feel compelled to seek reassurance. Counselling could help. Speak to your GP.

It’s totally natural to watch out for your kids, as a mother.
You are not doing anything wrong. He just needs to get on with it. If you didn’t tell him, he’s be asking questions, for sure!

My DH pointed out my shite parenting on Mother’s Day…

"I’m just compelled to seek reassurance that nothing can go wrong…"

No one can give you that. It's completely unrealistic.

Don't be daft he sounds like 99% of parents up and down the country. Managing risk is a key part of parenting, trying to remove all risk is impossible.

If I were your dh I'd be pretty pissed off too.

It's not that you are overprotective. It's that yiu constantly tell your dh what to do like he's one of your children. You obvs don't trust him. Undermining him constantly will lead to him leaving in time

He sounds terrible 💔

The seeking reassurance is what feeds the anxiety.
you cannot have certainty that nothing will go wrong, it might well do and trying to control everything rigidly all the time merely gives us the illusion that we can stop bad things happening.

Life is chaotic and unpredictable and we have to learn to live with that.

it creates anxiety in children if they’re constantly hearing ‘be careful’ from parents. And understandably creates irritation in partners.

you can self refer to your local talking therapies service for support, they generally fast track perinatal clients

Why don't you trust your husband?

His response isn't terribly helpful, but that would drive me mad too. You're basically telling him, constantly, that you don't trust him to care for his own DC.

Why is child safer in a buggy than on Dad's shoulders? And not letting them run ahead to the park is frankly bonkers IMO plus really where are you that there are multiple child abductions?

You sound like his mother and nagging at him at how to parent his own child. Tbf I would find this incredibly irritating as well - you chose to have a child with this man so you must think he’s alright and now you’re trying to teach him how to parent ‘right’?!

OP I empathise, I recognise many of the scenarios you describe and have felt similarly anxious, it’s horrible. I have found the school run especially stressful when mine were younger, it used to really panic me when my then 3 year old would run ahead with friends whilst I had my under 1 DD in the pram and couldn’t get past other people to keep up.

If this is of any reassurance, my worries have deceased as mine have got older. They are now 6 and 3, and I’ve found I worry less generally as we’ve all experienced more, which is a relief. So hang in there- hopefully you’ll feel better as yours get a bit older too.

I think it’s natural to not want to see your children and to try and protect them but we do need to let them make their own mistakes. So the first one I would have insisted on them holding a hand, I would have also insisted they can’t go out of sight at two. The others are just you saying be careful to your husband all the time. It’s like he can’t do anything right. I’d be pissed off at being told to be careful carrying a baby upstairs or to watch them on their scooter because they’re wobbly, which he can presumably see.

If you are saying be careful at every little thing, it’s hard to see what the really important things are for you like the road and going out of sight. I think your last point of you organising everything is also part of the problem. Either you organise everything because he just uses weaponised incompetence in which you wouldn’t trust him. If he starts doing things properly, you can trust him properly. Or you have things that like to be done a certain way and when he does things a little differently, you criticise.