DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

“Ruining DCs life” is a bit dramatic, isn’t it..?

If there are circumstances that could be risky, I think it’s okay to voice your concerns - it’s not like you’re commanding him to do things a different way…

Of course you're not TRYING to be horrible or controlling, but that doesn't actually make it any easier for the person who is having to constantly reassure you and is being questioned all the time. You need to recognise that, even though your behaviour might be linked to your OCD/anxiety, it has a big impact on the people around you - your husband and your kids. Saying 'I'm not trying to butt in' doesn't make it any better, because the fact is, you are still butting in.

Being asked for reassurance or dealing with someone questioning, flapping, fussing etc over everything you do is very, very draining and I can completely see why your partner is starting to get angry about it. It's got nothing to do with how much he does or doesn't do around the house - that's an entirely separate issue.

Plus he’s made zero effort to understand what’s going on in my head… OCD can make you rigid and it’s really difficult to just snap out of it

The flip-side of that is that you can't expect someone else to adapt their own behaviour to appease your anxieties - it's not healthy and won't help you in the long run. I say that as someone who is autistic and struggles badly with anxiety.

It's not my DH's role to appease me and to change how he lives his life just because it might make me feel better temporarily. That's not fair and if you pass those expectations onto your children, you could create real issues down the line.

Unfortunately @QueenMammoth it still comes across as though you are controlling and don’t trust him. I think your first example was fine but the others - you are telling him what he should and should not do.

Your husband would hate me!

I honestly can’t understand why parents allow their kids to run on main roads (I see that a lot on our walk to school). Parents who are normally active and caring parents allowing their young children to run next to traffic going 40mph. One wrong move, trip or push and they’re dead under a car.

YANBU. It may be annoying for your husband but surely he can let it go, given you’re just trying to instil risk analysis and safety rules into your preschoolers?

Same. Even if you feel these things you have to bite your lip and let him care for them his way. Carrying kids is a joy and not something you can do for long. I miss it!
They are as much his as they are yours and even if he does things a bit differently you need to trust him with them!

As the kids get older there will be many instances of you needing to let go and sometimes its a "calculated" risk. It's worse to not let them try to have bits of freedom as you'll make them frightened of life.

Next time they want to run up the hill to the park, one of you run with them if you're worried..

multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks

'Multiple reports', by which you mean bullshit urban myth rumours on Facebook that had no basis in reality.

Honestly, you need to get a grip. Apart from the first one, all of these make you sound very obsessive and panicky and fussy.

I actually think most/many of your points were reasonable!

I think you do need to be careful next to roads, including on the scooter. Also think it's reasonable to warn someone if the kid starts leaning back whilst in a shoulder ride.

Yes maybe you need to cut your partner some slack but I think he needs to cut you some too.

YABU to keep reminding a GROWN aduth to be careful.

You will pass this anxiety onto your DC if they keep hearing be careful be careful all the time. There’s a middle ground that is a healthy level of risk if you let them run and be carried without fear. And if they fall, well they’ll be fine and learn something. If they never fall, they’ll never know how to cope. Focus on managing your own fears and not controlling so much. It only feeds the anxieties ultimately.

Assuming your DH is a capable, intelligent adult who loves the kids as much as you do, I think you are being unreasonable. Your anxiety is ruling your life and his and I think you need therapy to work through this. I also suggest you talk to your husband and say that you acknowledge your anxiety, that you will seek help and that it is no reflection on his parenting. Ask him to bear with you on this but also point out that anger is not going to help.

I sympathise I was also quite anxious when kids were little and until a few years ago. They are teens now.

You need to work on your anxiety. Have you had blood test yo ensure everything including vitamins are in order. Do you take vitamin D, Magnesium?

Magnesium chelated has helped a lot.

Carry on like this and you will end up damaging not only your partner's mental health but your children's too!

You were definitely not unreasonable in your first example about him letting a 2 year old run off on its own next to a busy road.

He may find you annoying and over-protective but he isn't showing any empathy or making any allowances for your post-partum OCD and anxiety and is being quite mean to you. He could try and reassure you that he is being careful and nothing will happen but he doesn't want to do that.

I say this as someone who is also extremely anxious, you think you’re right but you’re wrong.

I did the same when i had my first son and he was very ill as a baby, when we got him home i kept saying to dh “be careful”. One day he turned round and said “when you say that to me you undermine my confidence as a parent”. I stopped, as best I could. He appreciated the effort.

You’re doing the same to your dh. Force yourself to stop now for the benefit of your children and your relationship.

He loves them too and wants to keep them safe, if he didn’t you wouldn’t be with him surely?

You need to go back and get further help for your anxiety. It’s not fair to be constantly picking holes in what he’s doing and expecting him to allay your fears.

You admitted yourself that you were diagnosed with postpartum OCD and anxiety and it hasn’t really gone away. This is the issue you need to focus on. It’s not healthy for you, your husband or your children to live with this and it must be exhausting for you all for many different reasons.

Get yourself some therapy and try and focus on working on this and the issues should ease all round.

Try and remember that your husband is your children’s equal parent and he is capable of making his own decisions when it comes to their care and safety.

You definitely need some help with this, if you're too save your relationship, and not pass on your anxiety to your children.

Because he's right. If your children constantly hear you fussing over their safety, they're going to grow up anxious. And if they constantly hear you criticising their father's decisions they're going to grow up not trusting him to keep them safe. And they're both dreadful things to dump on your kids and your partner.

I'm going to go against the grain and say I think your dh should be a little more patient with you. I'm a parent with anxiety and I totally understand your fear around these situations. It's something you probably both need to work on. Fortunately for me my own partner understands where I'm coming from and knows that it's not intended as a criticism if I ask him to be careful.

Only the first where you take a 2 year old's hand while walking on a busy city street was reasonable. Yes, you are being controlling having to comment like that on nearly everything your husband does with your child and it would be beyond annoying. You don't trust your children with their dad to do anything when he's done nothing to warrant that.

I think it's time for you to seek out medical help and see your doctor for assessment and treatment.