DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

With kindness, a lot of people have given you really good insight and advice about your behaviour and how it could negatively impact your relationship and children but it seems you’re not ready to accept that you’re the one who has been unreasonable. I’d use this opportunity to reflect on that and consider this topic as something you need to unpick with a therapist.

It’s fine to hold their hand across the road but given the exhaustive list you’ve given of all the times you’re DH has been in the wrong but have actually just been you acting really over the top I’m going to assume a lot of the time he says you’re stifling their freedom that you actually are.
You don’t seem to see his view point at all.

His reaction is OTT and quite aggressive, but the examples you have given do make you sound overprotective to the point of paranoia. The idea of not being allowed to run up a hill in case you get abducted is particularly paranoid. The odds of this happening are infinitesimally small and you're probably doing more damage by trying to protect them from this sort of thing than you would be accepting a totally manageable level of risk.

I think there's another issue which is that he probably feels like he's being constantly got at by you around how he parents and he feels he's walking on eggshells. He is their father and unless he's doing something egregiously dangerous you have to let him get on with it and not feel he's being constantly scrutinised.

Do you suffer from anxiety? I think its worth taking a step back and asking yourself why you are reacting in this way. I don't know what your relationship with your DH is like: are there deeper problems or reasons not to trust him? Because of the face of it it does sound like you are overprotective to a fairly unhealthy point.

No. Because that's where DARVO comes into play.

It's not controlling for someone who is being controlled to resist that control.

Even if it means the controlling person feels uncomfortable about it.

A lot of control is about managing feelings in an unhealthy way. It's not wrong for someone to challenge that.

Ah misread slightly but the point still stands.

It's not a tit for tat competition. You've got some really good advice on this thread especially from posters who have been where you currently are. I suggest instead of trying to turn the tables and try to make him look unreasonable you take the advice given and seek support.

I do think you are being unreasonable op and this is coming from someone who has also been diagnosed with OCD, intrusive thoughts.
The worst thing he could do is to pander to you as this will only reinforce your thinking.
But I think the main issue is that it sounds like you are constantly criticising his parenting when in truth he hasn’t done anything terrible.
In your head you think you are keeping your DC safe, but by telling your DH to be careful carrying his newborn child is patronising, I don’t think for a second that he wasn’t keeping the baby safe so you saying it wasn’t going to change what your DH was doing so saying it was pointless.
If you carry on as you are you could very well destroy your marriage, and although you may not think it the constant criticism will def be picked up by your children, do you really want that?
i do think you need to have a sit down with your DH and apologise and take on board what has been said on this thread.

This is a horrible thing to say. Have some compassion FFS.

OP, OCD is not very well understood and I think most of the responses on here are quite harsh.

I think a lot of your list is reasonable, some less so. But it sounds like your DH is being very unsupportive and not trying to do anything to help the situation.

It sounds like you need to both sit down when DC in bed and talk calmly about what worries you, what's going on in your head, and acknowledge how needing this reassurance might feel controlling.
Then jointly think of ways to reduce your anxiety while not micromanaging his parenting.

I'm the opposite of you and I'd say I'm a risk taker, I've let my DC go off down a hill and come flying off their bike (I mean obviously I didn't want that to happen!) but they got back up and now are much more careful of their own accord - probably learnt better from that! But unlike some other parents mine never go without a helmet even on our flat drive at home, and i remove the bikes / scooters if they refuse to put one on no matter what speed or small area, which might seem more overprotective than some. That being said, I still understand all your worries and I don't think it's completely irrational so I don't think you are mad.

It sounds like DH is half the problem and should help find a solution with you and help you, not telling you you're ruining the kids lives. If he steps up and takes the pressure off you a bit too, you might find your anxiety calms down.

People don’t ‘have to learn’ though. Ideally they can try to learn coping mechanisms, I take your post on board as it’s obviously more balanced! My point about the other post is that it’s just not that simple to bark out numbered rules and ‘what you need to do’ and just you just to stop doing’ etc. the way you’ve phrased things is more helpful. There’s no point barking at someone or making them feel worse when they’re struggling. Like I say, your post addresses the issue and what can done and the potential issues it can cause for those around you etc. I do think when people are struggling with a mental health issue though, too make people expect them to behave as if they don’t have the issue and to see things through the eyes of someone who doesn’t have the issue.

You need to see your GP for your anxiety. It’s not fair on your DH or DCs. I get it, it’s shit but there’s help available.

You need to see your GP. It sounds like you are suffering from an anxiety disorder and it’s making you controlling to the extent that it’s interfering with your life and your family life. You DH is as much their father as you are their mother. Can you imagine if he spent all day every day telling you not to do perfectly normal things?

There's no need to tell the other parent to ''be careful'' when all they are doing is going up the stairs. Especially at a few days old when they aren't exactly mobile.

What are all the ill considered things?
Other than a child running without holding hands on the pavement next to a busy road the rest are OP being really over the top.
Panicking due to abductions when your 2 year old runs ahead “out of reach” and saying you will blame DH if anything happens is mental, as is most of OP’s other behaviour.

Turn it around, if he controlled how you looked after the children at the same rate as you, how would you feel?

You do sound annoying OP. Why did you have a baby with someone you think is incapable of looking out for their own child.

But some of the things he's doing sound rather ill-considered, tbf, so to an extent he's casting her in that role...

Perhaps I have misunderstood.

I took it as the child running over a hill out of sight when they were 2. I’d let a 2 year old run ahead providing I could see them, catch them quickly, and there were no roads nearby.

You are seriously overprotective and your DC are going to be seriously disadvantaged when they’re older if you don’t get your OCD and anxiety treated.

I can just imagine when they’re 15 and you think it’s too dangerous for them to walk to the shop…

I won't lie you sound very anxious and ott and that gets annoying when its too much, you need to trust him to be a dad and not be so critical.

OP said the child was out of reach, not out of sight. My children were frequently beyond arm’s reach in parks and the like at that age, and I don’t think that makes me a negligent parent.