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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

420 replies

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:21

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MurdoMunro · 02/04/2025 18:42

Hey @QueenMammoth I’m not qualified or experienced to offer any useful advice. You seem to have a really good capacity for self reflexion and I can see you’d like things to be different, hope you get there. Big hug.

godmum56 · 02/04/2025 18:41

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:28

Yes I get that. I’ve tried to explain to him that I’m not trying to butt into what he’s doing but I’m just compelled to seek reassurance that nothing can go wrong… I’m not trying to be horrible or controlling

NOBODY can reassure you that nothing will go wrong.

PinkyFlamingo · 02/04/2025 18:41

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:28

Yes I get that. I’ve tried to explain to him that I’m not trying to butt into what he’s doing but I’m just compelled to seek reassurance that nothing can go wrong… I’m not trying to be horrible or controlling

But you are being horrible and controlling, if my DH told me to be careful when I was holding my own child I would be furious!

ForsterMcLennan · 02/04/2025 18:41

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:21

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

No, you’re not controlling! I cannot abide that male performative kids on shoulders thing. Or kids running next to busy roads in London when they’re too small! Sounds like you care, that’s all. He’s out of order and there’s a touch of gaslighting about what he’s saying.

Original poster
QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 18:39

pinkyredrose · 02/04/2025 18:37

Ok so I am not trying to argue with this, but people genuinely begrudge a mum who’s just given birth saying “be careful” to their DH when the baby is a day or two old?

There was no need to say this, did you honestly think he wouldn't be careful?

No I didn’t think he wouldn’t be careful. I have explained this to him. But I had just had a long and difficult labour and no sleep… if the tables were turned I would’ve let that one go

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 18:38

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 02/04/2025 18:35

Try to take a heartbeat or two before you speak and decide, for each time, if what you are about to say is a trigger sentence. If so, stop.

No matter the reason you are doing it, it matters not. It's destructive and it's for you to stop doing it, not for him to understand why and accept it every single time.

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Thank you.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 02/04/2025 18:37

Ok so I am not trying to argue with this, but people genuinely begrudge a mum who’s just given birth saying “be careful” to their DH when the baby is a day or two old?

There was no need to say this, did you honestly think he wouldn't be careful?

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 02/04/2025 18:35

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:28

Yes I get that. I’ve tried to explain to him that I’m not trying to butt into what he’s doing but I’m just compelled to seek reassurance that nothing can go wrong… I’m not trying to be horrible or controlling

Try to take a heartbeat or two before you speak and decide, for each time, if what you are about to say is a trigger sentence. If so, stop.

No matter the reason you are doing it, it matters not. It's destructive and it's for you to stop doing it, not for him to understand why and accept it every single time.

ruethewhirl · 02/04/2025 18:33

Sofiewoo · 02/04/2025 18:10

What are all the ill considered things?
Other than a child running without holding hands on the pavement next to a busy road the rest are OP being really over the top.
Panicking due to abductions when your 2 year old runs ahead “out of reach” and saying you will blame DH if anything happens is mental, as is most of OP’s other behaviour.

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TBH I think quite a few of the other examples are ill-considered too. I don't have kids myself (or OCD) but I don't need to be a parent to know it's a dangerous world out there. And men often don't think these things through properly, let's face it.

pinkyredrose · 02/04/2025 18:33

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

Why are you expected to do all this?

AwfulTower · 02/04/2025 18:32

You are telling your ‘side’ and you still sound over protective so you probably are over the top.

My class had an open classroom morning this week for Mother’s Day and I really noticed how many mothers were stopping their children from doing things that they do every single day. Like going up some stairs on a climbing frame or jumping off a crate. The children were confused by all the ‘get down’ and ‘be careful’ remarks being thrown their way.

NilByMuff · 02/04/2025 18:31

I have some understanding of your need to voice that thought in the moment. It's a bastard.
I can also understand not liking kids on shoulders, it gives me the fear.
The good news is there is help out there for your anxiety. CBT isn't right for everyone, maybe a talking therapy would be better?
Do some research, find a specialist in your area and hopefully start feeling differently soon.
Your H definitely needs to take some house stuff on board. Include that in your chat over a cuppa 🏵

GreyCarpet · 02/04/2025 18:30

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 18:22

Yes I know, I can see that I’m being ridiculous in some situations (e.g. the hill), I have a rational brain and an OCD brain and they’re always fighting.

Show quote history

If ypu recognise this then a) you're part way there and b) it really is your responsibility to get a handle on it.

GreyCarpet · 02/04/2025 18:28

GreyCarpet · 02/04/2025 18:27

Ok so I am not trying to argue with this, but people genuinely begrudge a mum who’s just given birth saying “be careful” to their DH when the baby is a day or two old?

I didn't do this and ever felt the need.

My second child was husband's first and I trusted him with her completely from the start even though he'd had no previous baby experience. Because, why wouldn't I?

And yes, he did things with her I didn't and played with her in ways I didn't. Even when I looked and thought, "Bloody Hell!" I didn't say anything because he wasn't doing anything wrong - just different to me sometimes.

(And she was premature and very small and we nearly lost her.)

Edited
Show quote history

Didn't mean to quote 🙄

GreyCarpet · 02/04/2025 18:27

Mumtobabyhavoc · 02/04/2025 18:22

Then that's what your OP should be asking, really. It doesn't sound like he is understanding or supportive at all, though. I'd tell him that, at least, and to get on-board sharing all the household duties.

Show quote history

Ok so I am not trying to argue with this, but people genuinely begrudge a mum who’s just given birth saying “be careful” to their DH when the baby is a day or two old?

I didn't do this and ever felt the need.

My second child was husband's first and I trusted him with her completely from the start even though he'd had no previous baby experience. Because, why wouldn't I?

And yes, he did things with her I didn't and played with her in ways I didn't. Even when I looked and thought, "Bloody Hell!" I didn't say anything because he wasn't doing anything wrong - just different to me sometimes.

(And she was premature and very small and we nearly lost her.)

CurlewKate · 02/04/2025 18:27

If you think there have been multiple attempted abductions in your area in recent weeks I think your anxiety is out of control and you need to seek help for it. Apart from anything else it must be making you very unhappy.-

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 02/04/2025 18:26

Do you think some couples therapy might be helpful? You need to find a way to work as a team. Think how it would feel if you split up, he had the children some days a week on his own without you and without your input. You need to find a way to meet in the middle and trust each other.

Original poster
QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 18:25

Springtimefordaffs · 02/04/2025 18:23

Do you watch him like a hawk when he has a child?
Ready to pounce on him at every situation?
That would annoy most women and seriously piss off every man I know.
They is different, they has a different view on risk. Have you not realised that?
Nearly always it works out OK. Honest it does, mine are adults now and never been to A&E.

I don’t do that, no. Usually after work he’s not here but when he is I let him do his thing with them so I can get on with other stuff

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 02/04/2025 18:24

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 18:23

I don’t think he’s in the wrong…

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You’ve posted repeatedly that you think he is though.

GreyCarpet · 02/04/2025 18:23

Tbh, it's not such the holding their hand that is the issue but I'd wonder what verbal message is accompanying it.

What is being communicated to them?

Springtimefordaffs · 02/04/2025 18:23

Do you watch him like a hawk when he has a child?
Ready to pounce on him at every situation?
That would annoy most women and seriously piss off every man I know.
They is different, they has a different view on risk. Have you not realised that?
Nearly always it works out OK. Honest it does, mine are adults now and never been to A&E.

Original poster
QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 18:23

Sofiewoo · 02/04/2025 18:20

It’s fine to hold their hand across the road but given the exhaustive list you’ve given of all the times you’re DH has been in the wrong but have actually just been you acting really over the top I’m going to assume a lot of the time he says you’re stifling their freedom that you actually are.
You don’t seem to see his view point at all.

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I don’t think he’s in the wrong…

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 02/04/2025 18:22

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 18:03

I also don’t see him as “dangerously lacking” - it’s not about him really. It’s a MH condition.
BUT that doesn’t mean I think it’s ok or fair on him, I just wish he’d make a bit more effort to understand.

Show quote history

Then that's what your OP should be asking, really. It doesn't sound like he is understanding or supportive at all, though. I'd tell him that, at least, and to get on-board sharing all the household duties.

Original poster
QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 18:22

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/04/2025 18:19

His reaction is OTT and quite aggressive, but the examples you have given do make you sound overprotective to the point of paranoia. The idea of not being allowed to run up a hill in case you get abducted is particularly paranoid. The odds of this happening are infinitesimally small and you're probably doing more damage by trying to protect them from this sort of thing than you would be accepting a totally manageable level of risk.

I think there's another issue which is that he probably feels like he's being constantly got at by you around how he parents and he feels he's walking on eggshells. He is their father and unless he's doing something egregiously dangerous you have to let him get on with it and not feel he's being constantly scrutinised.

Do you suffer from anxiety? I think its worth taking a step back and asking yourself why you are reacting in this way. I don't know what your relationship with your DH is like: are there deeper problems or reasons not to trust him? Because of the face of it it does sound like you are overprotective to a fairly unhealthy point.

Yes I know, I can see that I’m being ridiculous in some situations (e.g. the hill), I have a rational brain and an OCD brain and they’re always fighting.

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 02/04/2025 18:22

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 18:12

Is it not controlling on the flip side then, for him to tell me off for wanting to hold their hand on the road because I’m stifling their freedom in his view?

Perhaps he’s lashing out as a result of being got at repeatedly. You might well have done the same if the roles were reversed.