My mum has told people about my abortion

Helpmeout99 · 2025-04-02T11:24:56+00:00

Aged 17 I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to keep the baby but my parents marched me to the clinic for a termination and told me never to speak to anyone about it, as the shame was too much for them to bare. Fast forward 27years and my boyfriend at the time, and father to our baby, are now married with a wonderful family and have built a very happy life together… apart from one issue which is my Mum. I have a difficult relationship with my mum who is controlling and has a lot of narcissistic tendencies. My mum is lovely as long as I have no boundaries and am basically just an extension of her! After a recent blow up over nasty things she has said, I have found out that she has gone and told family members and friends of hers about the termination and that she feels I have never forgiven her for it and this is why our relationship is tricky!! I have not spoken to my mum about what happened in 25 years! I have recently tried to keep my distance, due to repeated nastiness and gaslighting when called out on it. My mum is not coping with me having boundaries as she feels she has an absolute right to know the ins and outs of my life and be involved in it all which is exhausting. She blows up over every little thing and is always a victim . My dad died several years ago and he was the only one who could stop her nastiness to any extent when she was in one of her ‘moments’ I feel that her telling people about my most personal medical information is her revenge at being kept at a distance. She refuses to apologise and cannot understand my fear that it will get back to my children and force me to have a conversation with them that I would not have necessarily chosen to have. I am I unreasonable to feel as betrayed and angry as I do?

TENSsion · 02/04/2025 14:57

Op
I’m no contact with my mum. It’s better. I no longer go to bed with a ball of anger, hurt and resentment. I’m free of her.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 02/04/2025 14:56

@Helpmeout99 dont ever speak to her again. no contact!! she doesnt want boundaries so you need to put up the biggest boundary of all!! she is a horrible witch!!

Cyclebabble · 02/04/2025 14:53

How awful. For me there would be no way back from this. I would cut all ties. If she is capable of this she is capable of anything.

Vaxtable · 02/04/2025 14:35

I would simply go no contact now

user593 · 02/04/2025 14:34

Nothing to add really except to say my mum did something similar to me so you have my sympathy. We’re mostly NC now (for this and other reasons) 💕

Original poster

Helpmeout99 · 02/04/2025 14:32

Sassybooklover · 02/04/2025 14:28

It sounds very much like your Mum is 'punishing' you for having boundaries with her, and has decided to use her knowledge of your abortion against you. She clearly knows how distressing it would be for you, to know she's blabbed to all in sundry. It isn't information she should be sharing, and she's not stupid, therefore knows that. She's trying to force you to have a relationship with her on her terms, not yours. Unfortunately, I wouldn't put it passed her to tell your children, out of spite. How old are your children? I'm guessing old enough to understand what you did and why? If so, then both you and your husband need to sit them down and tell them yourself. If they're old enough, tell them why you're telling them too. I'm sure if they're older children, they have some idea what their Grandmother can be like. If you take away the power she perceives she has, then she has no hold over you. At the moment she's holding the cards, because she knows you and your husband won't want your children to know. No decent Mother would dream of treating their child in this manner; as a parent, we want to protect our children, not hurt them. She's nothing more than a spiteful bitch, who is throwing her toys out of the pram because she can't have her own way.

my children are young adults now and I think we will tell them as we were younger than they are now when it happened and were given no choice. As you say this will take away her power and may help me feel more in control x
thank u for you reply

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpmeout99 · 02/04/2025 14:30

Papercup · 02/04/2025 14:10

I may be way off the mark here so apologies if I’ve got this wrong, but…

It sounds like you’re still carrying a lot of shame from having this abortion due to what your parents said at the time.

I just wanted to say that you have nothing to be ashamed of. It is wonderful that in this country young girls have options if they find themselves unexpectedly pregnant. There are so so so many women like you who have had abortions. You do not need to fear maybe telling your children one day. I will one day tell my teenagers that I had one so that they know that if they find themselves in that situation they can come to me without fear or judgement and I will help them.

Please don’t keep hold of this shame. You did what you had to do at the time. And there is nothing to feel ashamed for. Your mother on the other hand should be hanging her head with shame not only for how she treated you at the time but also her behaviour now.

Thank you, I carry a lot of shame and guilt as I have had it drilled into me what hurt I caused my parents and how awful it was for them. My mum in particular parented with guilt, shame and instilled fear on all levels and If I am honest she scares me more than anyone else ever has. She is highly intelligent and can bring you to your knees with her venom x

OP posts:

Sassybooklover · 02/04/2025 14:28

It sounds very much like your Mum is 'punishing' you for having boundaries with her, and has decided to use her knowledge of your abortion against you. She clearly knows how distressing it would be for you, to know she's blabbed to all in sundry. It isn't information she should be sharing, and she's not stupid, therefore knows that. She's trying to force you to have a relationship with her on her terms, not yours. Unfortunately, I wouldn't put it passed her to tell your children, out of spite. How old are your children? I'm guessing old enough to understand what you did and why? If so, then both you and your husband need to sit them down and tell them yourself. If they're old enough, tell them why you're telling them too. I'm sure if they're older children, they have some idea what their Grandmother can be like. If you take away the power she perceives she has, then she has no hold over you. At the moment she's holding the cards, because she knows you and your husband won't want your children to know. No decent Mother would dream of treating their child in this manner; as a parent, we want to protect our children, not hurt them. She's nothing more than a spiteful bitch, who is throwing her toys out of the pram because she can't have her own way.

Original poster

Helpmeout99 · 02/04/2025 14:27

Endthisshit · 02/04/2025 14:08

Of course i dont know your situation, but it reminded me of an article I saw in the Daily Telegraph (?) the other day written by someone in a situation that sounded similar to yours. After decades he decided to end contact with his Mum, said it was difficult but the best decision he ever made!

I will see if I can find it, thank you x

OP posts:

Pigsears · 02/04/2025 14:17

I couldn't forgive my mum or dad about being marched to an abortion clinic against my will.

YankSplaining · 02/04/2025 14:16

Papercup · 02/04/2025 14:10

I may be way off the mark here so apologies if I’ve got this wrong, but…

It sounds like you’re still carrying a lot of shame from having this abortion due to what your parents said at the time.

I just wanted to say that you have nothing to be ashamed of. It is wonderful that in this country young girls have options if they find themselves unexpectedly pregnant. There are so so so many women like you who have had abortions. You do not need to fear maybe telling your children one day. I will one day tell my teenagers that I had one so that they know that if they find themselves in that situation they can come to me without fear or judgement and I will help them.

Please don’t keep hold of this shame. You did what you had to do at the time. And there is nothing to feel ashamed for. Your mother on the other hand should be hanging her head with shame not only for how she treated you at the time but also her behaviour now.

She did what she was forced to do at the time. This isn’t just a story about a mother who can’t keep her daughter’s business quiet - this is a story about a mother who forced her daughter to have an abortion, told her she’d better not tell anyone, and then used it against her years later.

YANBU, OP.

simpledeer · 02/04/2025 14:13

My narc mother was very similar. Not happy unless she was harming me.

Going NC 13 years ago was an absolute gift and I haven’t regretted it for a second. When she dies I will just feel relieved that she can’t hurt me (or anyone else) ever again.

Keep yourself safe OP. 💐

Papercup · 02/04/2025 14:10

I may be way off the mark here so apologies if I’ve got this wrong, but…

It sounds like you’re still carrying a lot of shame from having this abortion due to what your parents said at the time.

I just wanted to say that you have nothing to be ashamed of. It is wonderful that in this country young girls have options if they find themselves unexpectedly pregnant. There are so so so many women like you who have had abortions. You do not need to fear maybe telling your children one day. I will one day tell my teenagers that I had one so that they know that if they find themselves in that situation they can come to me without fear or judgement and I will help them.

Please don’t keep hold of this shame. You did what you had to do at the time. And there is nothing to feel ashamed for. Your mother on the other hand should be hanging her head with shame not only for how she treated you at the time but also her behaviour now.

Endthisshit · 02/04/2025 14:08

Of course i dont know your situation, but it reminded me of an article I saw in the Daily Telegraph (?) the other day written by someone in a situation that sounded similar to yours. After decades he decided to end contact with his Mum, said it was difficult but the best decision he ever made!

PineappleCoconut · 02/04/2025 14:07

I’m 30 years free of mine, on the whole.
She will send the odd flying monkey, but they are quickly told to butt out and bugger off
my life has been immeasurably better without her in it

She’s never met my DC, nor do they want to meet her

Break free.
Tell the kids what happened when they are old enough, and why you no longer see her, and that you promise you will never behave towards them as she did to you

AdoraBell · 02/04/2025 14:03

I would cut contact and if anyone comments on you having the abortion tell them - yes, I was 17, didn’t want to but my mother forced me to have the abortion and now she’s gossiping about it.

I’m sorry for you being treated that way by her.

Original poster

Helpmeout99 · 02/04/2025 13:57

thepariscrimefiles · 02/04/2025 13:53

I agree with everyone else. Go no contact with this dreadful woman who you are unfortunate enough to have as a mother.

Luckily, in your case, the apple has fallen hundreds of miles away from the tree as you sound like an absolutely lovely mum to your children who are lucky to have you. You had a dreadful example of parenting in your toxic mother but you have been able to build a happy family in which your mum has no place.

Thank you, I have tried to be the mum that I desperately needed x

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpmeout99 · 02/04/2025 13:56

Snippit · 02/04/2025 13:44

I’m now 58 and have limited contact with my mother since my dad passed away. I remember walking away from her house after making funeral arrangements with the undertaker’s, looking up at the sky and saying “thanks a lot for leaving me with that fuckwit “. She has no filter and is so fucking annoying!!

Haha that made me laugh as I have often wondered out loud why I was left with this parent 🤣🤣

OP posts:

thepariscrimefiles · 02/04/2025 13:53

I agree with everyone else. Go no contact with this dreadful woman who you are unfortunate enough to have as a mother.

Luckily, in your case, the apple has fallen hundreds of miles away from the tree as you sound like an absolutely lovely mum to your children who are lucky to have you. You had a dreadful example of parenting in your toxic mother but you have been able to build a happy family in which your mum has no place.

Commonsense22 · 02/04/2025 13:48

I'm so sorry she forced you to have an abortion and so sorry she's betrayed your trust years later. How awful for you.

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 02/04/2025 13:46

Tell your dc... Take away the power she thinks she has.. They will think she is as despicable as we all do op.
My dc do not see my dm. Even the ones old enough to decide for themselves...

Snippit · 02/04/2025 13:44

I’m now 58 and have limited contact with my mother since my dad passed away. I remember walking away from her house after making funeral arrangements with the undertaker’s, looking up at the sky and saying “thanks a lot for leaving me with that fuckwit “. She has no filter and is so fucking annoying!!

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 02/04/2025 13:35

I think going NC with her would be quite sensible at this point. Don’t expose your precious children to this awful woman.

Lengokengo · 02/04/2025 13:28

Sorry that this had happened to you. It can be very hard growing up with a mother that you cannot trust. In both the small things and the big things. Having your words and actions weaponised against you is par for the course.

you have given her the information that her actions are hurtful to you. How she reacts on this shows how important your feelings are to her. Use this information to work out how important your own feelings are to yourself.

Gymnopedie · 02/04/2025 13:25

I feel that her telling people about my most personal medical information is her revenge at being kept at a distance.

And I feel that you are absolutely right. No mother who can do that is worthy of the name. She gave birth to you but that's as far as it goes.

Cut her out. She's shown just what depths she can sink to if you don't come to heel. Enjoy your happy life with DH and DCs and let her stew. She had control over you when you were a child. It's your choice whether she does now you're an adult. And I know what I'd choose.