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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel at my wits end with dd13 or am being dramatic

59 replies

Catontoof · 02/04/2025 12:13

Long story short dd is constantly screaming shouting being rude to the point I cannot even have a conversation with her. Mother's Day she threw some flowers at me woukdnt spend any time with me didn't get me a card. The flowers she was made to get by my mum and so that felt really forced.

no nice words of love or appreciation
last night she told me I'm not a proper mum I can't cook etc
this morning in my room screaming about her hair wouldn't leave and turned abusive

I have had it, she hates going to her dads but I feel at a loss and feel as though I can no longer take it:
she is my dd and I would die for her but lately I just feel so resentful we can't go anywhere as it's just awful and full of strops and complaining.
she's rude to me in front of my friends
she won't go to anyone else but me I just feel isolated. But I also know this is teenagers maybe I'm expecting to much
I have no sensible family around me at all

OP posts:
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Original poster
Catontoof · 03/04/2025 04:25

Haveyouanyjam · 02/04/2025 21:20

https://www.instagram.com/theadhddude?igsh=ZWRuNzZ5OXBhb2wz

https://www.instagram.com/grownowadhd?igsh=MTg2OGgyeWI2dHhqcA==

incredibly helpful resources for dealing with a child with ADHD

Thanks

OP posts:
Haveyouanyjam · 02/04/2025 21:20

https://www.instagram.com/theadhddude?igsh=ZWRuNzZ5OXBhb2wz

https://www.instagram.com/grownowadhd?igsh=MTg2OGgyeWI2dHhqcA==

incredibly helpful resources for dealing with a child with ADHD

Headachequeen · 02/04/2025 20:56

Catontoof · 02/04/2025 20:08

Has it ever crossed your blown mind that I didn't say it in the beginning as I didn't want to it to be outing?
what blows my mind is people who take one tiny piece of information and say such harmful untrue things from it

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Posting this and not mentioning her neurodiversity is like posting to ask why your one year old isn’t walking yet then dropping in later on that they were born with one leg.

Original poster
Catontoof · 02/04/2025 20:08

MattCauthon · 02/04/2025 20:00

Mind blowing that you didn't mention the adhd upfront. Which suggests you have little or no understanding of her nd and how it might impact her. You need to do the work to understand parenting a teenager with adhd and not expect things to be the same as for other teenagers. X10 as you are doing this alone - it's a lot but there's no excuse for knowing she is ND and not making an attempt to adapt for it.

Has it ever crossed your blown mind that I didn't say it in the beginning as I didn't want to it to be outing?
what blows my mind is people who take one tiny piece of information and say such harmful untrue things from it

OP posts:
MattCauthon · 02/04/2025 20:00

Mind blowing that you didn't mention the adhd upfront. Which suggests you have little or no understanding of her nd and how it might impact her. You need to do the work to understand parenting a teenager with adhd and not expect things to be the same as for other teenagers. X10 as you are doing this alone - it's a lot but there's no excuse for knowing she is ND and not making an attempt to adapt for it.

Whatafustercluck · 02/04/2025 19:15

AlwaysPerfumed · 02/04/2025 19:03

If this is true then what a woeful picture it is.

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It's not true. There's more going on with this particular teenager. She has adhd for a start, meaning she's likely less equipped to deal effectively with whatever is going on in her life to cause this level of upset.

WesleyNeverDies · 02/04/2025 19:15

If she has a meltdown when you take the phone away so you give it back, that's teaching her how to get out of punishments she really doesn't like.

If my child recorded me in that context, they'd be losing their phone immediately for the foreseeable future.

I'm all for having a calm chat and trying to draw out what's really going on, if there's something she's struggling with... All for having a mature and kind conversation. But that approach needs to go hand in hand with her understanding that unacceptable behaviour will not be tolerated.

Just like a 4 year old, she'll kick and scream and be horrific when you actually really enforce it for the first time, but know that every time you stick to your guns, you're teaching her that it's just not worth the effort fighting you so hard next time.

Headachequeen · 02/04/2025 19:13

Whatafustercluck · 02/04/2025 19:10

Whatever others will say, this isn't normal teenager behaviour.

Has she always been like this? Is it new behaviour? Can you trace it back to anything traumatic happening? Is she ND? She sounds incredibly stressed and distressed. Kids, even teenagers, don't react with that level of anger and apparent hate if they're perfectly fine.

OP just didn’t think to mentioned her daughter’s disability …

Whatafustercluck · 02/04/2025 19:10

Whatever others will say, this isn't normal teenager behaviour.

Has she always been like this? Is it new behaviour? Can you trace it back to anything traumatic happening? Is she ND? She sounds incredibly stressed and distressed. Kids, even teenagers, don't react with that level of anger and apparent hate if they're perfectly fine.

AlwaysPerfumed · 02/04/2025 19:03

Growlybear83 · 02/04/2025 12:28

I’m afraid she sounds like a typical 13 year old.

If this is true then what a woeful picture it is.

Pinkissmart · 02/04/2025 19:01

Listened to a podcast this morning featuring JT Power - he said some very interesting things about dopamine and phone use

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 02/04/2025 18:53

My dd had major issues with her friendship group aged 13-16. Sometimes she was really angry and horrible to me. I told her I was on her side, I understood she was angry BUT I was her ally, not her whipping boy! She could talk to me, I would listen, I could help any way I could (facilitating meet ups with new friends, welcoming them here etc), but taking it out on me was not helpful to either of us!
She did get a lovely new group of friends eventually, and we have a great relationship now, but those years can be tough! You need to draw the line between what you can do to be helpful vs being treated like a piece of dirt

Headachequeen · 02/04/2025 18:52

I’m amazed you didn’t open with the ADHD tbh.

I know it’s hard and I know her behaviour is awful but I think you need to be more understanding of her neurodiversity.

Original poster
Catontoof · 02/04/2025 18:51

MakeItToTheMoon · 02/04/2025 18:45

I agree! Parenting books can be so useful. Your DD sounds like a teenager that knows how to push your buttons. There is a reason she is taking everything out on you but you must be exhausted.

Deep down she does love you and still needs you. I find that going for a long walk or drive (without phones) can really open up conversation without arguments.

Why does she not like going to her dad’s house? Has there been any changes to her life?

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Thank you I know that deep down I was so upset this morning but have calmed down a bit now

she just doesn't like
him and I have to stop her being quite extreme saying she hates him. He hasn't done anything I think he's a bit strict and she can be very defiant and rejecting to strict people particularly males - all the teachers she has issues with are strict males

OP posts:
Original poster
Catontoof · 02/04/2025 18:49

Abracadabra1 · 02/04/2025 17:46

She doesn't sound vile. Her behaviour is showing that she doesn't feel good about something..maybe school, friends, family relationships, who knows. Routine, consistency and love are crucial, children who are acting out need love more than ever.
OP Sarah Rockwell smith has some excellent books on raising teens.

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I think your on to something there now I think about it it's meltdowns about her looks a lot lately that triggers it this morning it was triggered by her hair not going right. So maybe that's it

thanks I will look at it

OP posts:
Original poster
Catontoof · 02/04/2025 18:47

greengreyblue · 02/04/2025 17:30

Errr I don’t think so. Throwing flowers at her mum on Mother’s Day is not typical

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She didn't thrown them throw them she more pushed them
in my direction as though it was an annoyance maybe that's my using the wrong word

OP posts:
Original poster
Catontoof · 02/04/2025 18:46

Headachequeen · 02/04/2025 17:20

People will hate me saying this but have you ever thought she might have ADHD? This is exactly what I was like as a teen and was diagnosed later in life. It’s only now I have kids this age myself (girls) I realise that it’s not normal to go on like that.

She does have adhd but also she very much understand's hurtful
behavoir she can be remorseful after but it's just gets to much

we have a calm life but I feel very isolated because of the demands and things that are needed to parent her solo. She won't allow other pollen like her dad to be too involved too much he isn't great he just see's it as my job to see she comes to his at the time he chooses but doesn't help in any other way

recently her friendships have been tricky iv realised she finds it hard to be loving or close how I see other girls her age being - she does have friendships she's a very popular girl she has started to have a limit with people though

OP posts:
MakeItToTheMoon · 02/04/2025 18:45

Abracadabra1 · 02/04/2025 17:46

She doesn't sound vile. Her behaviour is showing that she doesn't feel good about something..maybe school, friends, family relationships, who knows. Routine, consistency and love are crucial, children who are acting out need love more than ever.
OP Sarah Rockwell smith has some excellent books on raising teens.

Show quote history

I agree! Parenting books can be so useful. Your DD sounds like a teenager that knows how to push your buttons. There is a reason she is taking everything out on you but you must be exhausted.

Deep down she does love you and still needs you. I find that going for a long walk or drive (without phones) can really open up conversation without arguments.

Why does she not like going to her dad’s house? Has there been any changes to her life?

looselegs · 02/04/2025 18:07

She records you????
I'd be throwing her phone out the window....

Abracadabra1 · 02/04/2025 17:46

QuickPeachPoet · 02/04/2025 12:25

She sounds vile OP. So sorry.
For what it’s worth, she will no doubt see the light and come crawling back one day. When she realises that when the chips are down nobody loves her and cares about her as much as her mum.

She doesn't sound vile. Her behaviour is showing that she doesn't feel good about something..maybe school, friends, family relationships, who knows. Routine, consistency and love are crucial, children who are acting out need love more than ever.
OP Sarah Rockwell smith has some excellent books on raising teens.

carcassonne1 · 02/04/2025 17:42

She's acting like a spoilt brat that has never been taught respect for others or given any boundaries, just given a phone to keep quiet and not disturb. Christ, what have we done to our kids...

Maryleport · 02/04/2025 17:37

jellyfishperiwinkle · 02/04/2025 12:25

I think rather than punishment you need to sit down and have a good chat with her when things are calm and find out what's going on with her. Kids don't act out for nothing.

I was the same at the age and has a lovely home and family! I was fortunate. It’s the age, and sometimes just sometimes teenagers do act like that. Growing up and hormones, finding our way into the world from early childhood to more adult stuff. Also, I could point out being neurodivergent? Maybe, acting out to mask. Either way it’s not always something sinister.

greengreyblue · 02/04/2025 17:30

Growlybear83 · 02/04/2025 12:28

I’m afraid she sounds like a typical 13 year old.

Errr I don’t think so. Throwing flowers at her mum on Mother’s Day is not typical

Headachequeen · 02/04/2025 17:20

People will hate me saying this but have you ever thought she might have ADHD? This is exactly what I was like as a teen and was diagnosed later in life. It’s only now I have kids this age myself (girls) I realise that it’s not normal to go on like that.

Obvnotthegolden · 02/04/2025 17:15

Hormones can get the better of them at that age.
She's probably confused by her own behaviour and doesn't understand it herself.

My dd was like this, and after a particularly bad weekend of battles and meltdowns, I decided on a completely different strategy.

Instead of rules and punishments I read up on oppositional defiance and started being more collaborative with her.
You can search low demand parenting as well for more info.

It reduced the stress, anxiety and meltdowns and she began to trust me again, saw that I was working with her and for her, not against her.