Page 2 | Fiancés ex wife

pinkyredrose · 02/04/2025 18:30

Are you 100% sure he has to pay her mortgage and bills? Obviously he has to support the kids but she should be supporting herself.

Ask to see the divorce settlement. If you're going to marry him this stuff directly affects you.

Would his contribution not go down in any case when he remarries?

Chocoholicnightmare · 02/04/2025 17:31

Btw, I have a friend who was exactly like your fiancé- paid her more than he needed to etc... they didn't actually get divorced. Now, about 10 years down the line, he's asked for a divorce as has met someone serious... and his ex is now screwing him over for his pension to date- which she can do as they didn't have a financial settlement.

Caroparo52 · 02/04/2025 17:29

Similar set up to someone I know. The dp never emotionally left the marriage. The ex dw had total control and only needed to snap her fingers for him to come running. Bizarre. Don't carry on. It won't change. And yes you will always be the 3rd wheel. You deserve better

Sulu17 · 02/04/2025 17:09

Paying her bills? supporting her? No way would I put up with this. When I first met my now ex, he had an ex like this. She kept phoning him up with ridiculous demands, or to discuss their child (who was 36!!!) Naaaah, not happening to someone who wants to be my partner. His behaviour suggests loose boundaries. If he is unboundaried with his ex, what else will he be unboundaried about? It's a red flag.

Chocoholicnightmare · 02/04/2025 16:50

I don't know of anyone who pays their ex's bills after 9 years, however old the children are- it's ridiculous. I wonder if she is wary of you, maybe worried you'll call her out on draining his finances. They should have had a clean break by now and if the children are under 18, he would only need to pay the minimum child support. She is sponging off him and you wonder what she'll try and get once the children are older. Of course if they go to uni they'll need financial support but it should be split equally (I do this). Do you know the situation with his pension? I think she's keeping him close for a reason.

BoredZelda · 02/04/2025 16:43

How do you know he is deleting his messages?

Gimmethenight · 02/04/2025 16:41

Have you actually told him how you feel? Can you say, It’s about time he/she moved on and stopped acting like a couple or secretively.

Are you sure it was part of the financial settlement that he would pay all the bills? that’s unusual after all this time. What about fixing her car? Surely that’s her responsibility now. You have been a couple with him for a long time and it sounds odd.

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 16:28

Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 16:23

My first time in here so I’m not so savvy with the lingo/abbreviations yet or how to navigate this on an iPhone 🙄

To keep it simple, everyone here is trying to support you. He is being sneaky and dishonest and it is not okay. Trust your gut.

Original poster

Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 16:23

My first time in here so I’m not so savvy with the lingo/abbreviations yet or how to navigate this on an iPhone 🙄

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NoButterBastardGails · 02/04/2025 15:59

It is his behaviour that is making you feel insecure @Chillednursey . Listen to your doubts, they're trying to protect you.

Original poster

Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 15:57

MeganM3 · 02/04/2025 15:40

How long ago did they separate?
If you came along while they were still technically married, or very soon after separation then it might be that he feels some guilt.

I came along quite soon after they separated (for the 2nd time) their marriage was over before I arrived on the scene. He has to pay the mortgage off & bills until youngest is 18yrs old as part of the divorce settlement. I think he feels guilty that she is on her own. He couldn’t stand to be with her as in his words she was really boring & he was not sure why he married her in the first place. He didn’t think he would find anyone else & so he married the first serious girlfriend, he says now that he wishes he had met me before & had children with me instead but we don’t get a second chance at life do we. I don’t regret my first marriage & was glad I had the time that I did.

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MeganM3 · 02/04/2025 15:40

How long ago did they separate?
If you came along while they were still technically married, or very soon after separation then it might be that he feels some guilt.

yeesh · 02/04/2025 15:38

He pays her bills? You are a mug if so

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 15:36

Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 15:33

When she was married to him she didn’t have to ‘share’ him with anyone else…..she is more than supported financially as he paid her mortgage off & pays all her bills etc.
I am an open/honest person & have no issue discussing any interactions with my ex husband & I certainly don’t delete txt messages. I just want to feel there are no secrets as that feels like betrayal if he cannot be honest & open.

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I think he’s making an absolute mug of you tbh. Pays all her bills!?

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 15:35

9 years..? How long have you been engaged? I would be cautious. 9 years without marrying you and still running to every whim of the ex wife. Was it a proposal to keep you happy with no actual plans to marry you?

Are you quite sure he hadn’t still been (even occasionally) sleeping with X wife? Deleting the messages if they are just about “jobs” and mutual adult children is highly suspicious. There is no reason to delete them.

Maybe she is so happy not to “move on” because she knows she still has power over him, and can have her “needs” met when she wants.

Do you have a way of viewing deleted messages? Ie can his phone sync with cloud on another device, or can you recover deleted messages? Something is being said he doesn’t want you seeing.

Original poster

Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 15:33

NoButterBastardGails · 02/04/2025 12:03

so I feel like she is forever going to be like a spare wheel?

A spare wheel or a threat to how secure you're able to feel with him?

When she was married to him she didn’t have to ‘share’ him with anyone else…..she is more than supported financially as he paid her mortgage off & pays all her bills etc.
I am an open/honest person & have no issue discussing any interactions with my ex husband & I certainly don’t delete txt messages. I just want to feel there are no secrets as that feels like betrayal if he cannot be honest & open.

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Original poster

Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 15:29

I have been with him for 9 years, she does know about me & we are civil when in the same room. She has been bitter & nasty in the past, he met me after his marriage was over. I am more than happy to be friendly & get along, I just don’t like it when things are not transparent & honest as there is no need to hide anything.

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Original poster

Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 15:25

ItGhoul · 02/04/2025 11:58

he is still supporting her & acting in the husband support role

Can you give some examples of what you mean?

He still goes to do ‘jobs’ at her house, he is the first person she calls for any help with sorting any issues with holidays/car etc. It’s fine obviously if it’s anything related to the boys but I’m convinced he is the first person she contacts for anything as if she was still his wife.

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Original poster

Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 15:22

SkaneTos · 02/04/2025 11:53

Why is she unlikely to meet someone else?

She has been on her own for the past 8 years, has been unsuccessful on dating sites early on & now given up. She is 53 yrs old & spends her spare time with her elderly parents. States she has no desire to meet anyone else.

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Rewis · 02/04/2025 13:12

Does he delete all messages or just the messages from his ex wife?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2025 13:11

I’d have dealt with that before agreeing to marry him.

outerspacepotato · 02/04/2025 13:09

If he's still acting as his ex wife's husband and supporting her, that makes you the other woman. Are you okay with that? Are you sure he's divorced?

You aren't close to the top of his priorities. Why would you want to marry someone who won't make you a priority?

pinkyredrose · 02/04/2025 13:03

Is he giving her money?

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 02/04/2025 13:00

Have you met her?

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 12:08

How long have you been with this man and what evidence do you have that they are really over? Does the ex wife know about you? How long have you been together/they been apart?

You clearly aren’t working as a team with your partner. I would rethink the entire relationship if he can’t be upfront about the extent of his relationship ship with XW and level of intimacy they are sharing in secret.