Fiancés ex wife

Chillednursey · 2025-04-02T10:45:19+00:00

My fiancé is still very close to his ex wife, they have 2 grown up sons & I have my own so we are like a modern family. He deletes all messages from his ex wife & regularly I find snippets of information that he is still supporting her & acting in the husband support role. She has never met anyone else & is unlikely to, so I feel like she is forever going to be like a spare wheel?

Delphigirl · 05/04/2025 10:57

Move back into your own space, take back control of your life, and institute a break so you can think about how you want to spend the next 20-30 years of your life. It might be that this relationship has run its course but don’t be bounced into making any fast decisions you may later regret.

Gimmethenight · 05/04/2025 10:48

Even if he changed the will again in your favour you couldn’t trust him.

DwarfPalmetto · 05/04/2025 10:28

If he is begging you to go back, it might be a good idea to block him at least temporarily. Then you will have more space to think through how you feel and what you want to do going forward.

BlueMum16 · 05/04/2025 10:00

You need to take time to decide what you want and whether that is a relationship with him.

His EW will always be there. If you want him, what boundaries do you want. Is he willing to agree?

The old will would worry me. Why was that not destroyed if there is a new one. That is what you are meant to do.

B1anche · 05/04/2025 09:48

OP you sound really unhappy. Ask yourself how you will feel in (say) 10 years time if nothing has changed. It's hard now but before long you will be grateful you moved on.

You sound like a really lovely, caring person who deserves someone who will treat you with more love and respect. Please don't put yourself through any more of this shit.

Original poster

Chillednursey · 05/04/2025 09:19

I moved out yesterday while he was away in London with work. My daughter came to help. The last straw was when I went in the safe to get my spare car key & logbook I saw a will that was dated October 2021 (5 weeks before we got engaged & together 5 years) that named his ex wife as a beneficially for 2/10 & 8/10 for his boys. He has since changed his will only 6 months ago so that I receive 1/10 & the boys 9/10. I haven’t seen that in full though. So I feel like he is always going to want to financially support the Ex wife. I am now at my sisters & thinking how to move forward as he is begging me to go back. I could stay here or move back in my old home with my grown up kids.

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Grumpsy · 05/04/2025 00:12

Why does he delete stuff?

healthybychristmas · 05/04/2025 00:06

Chillednursey · 03/04/2025 00:12

His boys are 19 & 16, very materialistic, arrogant & wannabe Tate brothers. They even shave their heads & do Kickboxing to be like Andrew Tate. The eldest now has his own social media marketing business, bought a Porsche (boxer) & Rolex. He has opened a Dubai bank/business account to avoid tax. They are all very money obsessed & talk about nothing but cars, watches, guns & money! Too much testosterone going around!

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The very last thing on Earth that I would want to be is the stepmother to boys like that. I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who was so involved with his ex either so my answer would be to move on on my own.

MissDoubleU · 04/04/2025 10:16

Chillednursey · 04/04/2025 10:11

Absolutely not, he wants to get married more than me (wants me to have the same surname) I’m really not bothered. All I asked for was to have the house we live in as our home (that I contribute to) in case he dies….I asked for nothing else. I don’t want half of everything at all & more than happy for his boys to have the lions share.

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He wants you to be his, like property, but isn’t willing to share equally with you or give you the long term security that marriage is, let’s be honest, beneficial for? So he can get what he wants but only on his terms that you accept - let’s get this right - 1 tenth ?

Why is that all you’re worth, as his chosen life partner going forward into all the future decades you would presumably share together til death?

Original poster

Chillednursey · 04/04/2025 10:11

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2025 13:28

There’s nothing personality wise there from him to be a good reason to marry him. A terrible parent who still fancies his exwife. Are you marrying him for his money?

Absolutely not, he wants to get married more than me (wants me to have the same surname) I’m really not bothered. All I asked for was to have the house we live in as our home (that I contribute to) in case he dies….I asked for nothing else. I don’t want half of everything at all & more than happy for his boys to have the lions share.

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Original poster

Chillednursey · 04/04/2025 10:08

NoButterBastardGails · 03/04/2025 13:16

He wants to leave me 1/10th as advised by his solicitor.

That is him telling you quite plainly what he thinks you're worth - a cross between nothing and fuck all. Please be aware that he might sound very believable in what he says to you but he has his own interests at heart in all of this.

@Chillednursey , please please be very careful about taking your relationship any further forward.

I’m currently packing some stuff to go stay with my sister for a few days to have a think what I’m going to do. He is in London for work today so I can get my spare car key/documents while he isn’t here. I feel like he has all the control in this relationship, I am not as financially well off or savvy/astute & will look to get some legal advice so he can’t take my jewellery & car back that were gifts.
thanks for the advice!

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Naunet · 03/04/2025 13:31

Chillednursey · 03/04/2025 00:06

The had the one solicitor to oversee the divorce, she trusted him to sort everything as he was in control of all financial stuff when they were married. The DW got the marital home & he got the 4 rental houses they had. We now live in one of the rental houses that we renovated. So now I’m not so sure if they ever did the ‘clean break’ divorce. He does have the divorce absolute & the ex wife had to write a letter to the judge that she was happy with the arrangement they made.

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If they had 5 houses and he got 4 of them, then damn right he should, be paying her bills. I don't really understand why you're with this man, he's secretive, selfish and is raising two women hating, misogynistic brats. He's not much of a catch.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2025 13:28

There’s nothing personality wise there from him to be a good reason to marry him. A terrible parent who still fancies his exwife. Are you marrying him for his money?

NoButterBastardGails · 03/04/2025 13:16

He wants to leave me 1/10th as advised by his solicitor.

That is him telling you quite plainly what he thinks you're worth - a cross between nothing and fuck all. Please be aware that he might sound very believable in what he says to you but he has his own interests at heart in all of this.

@Chillednursey , please please be very careful about taking your relationship any further forward.

MeganM3 · 03/04/2025 11:45

You sound really miserable with the whole situation and clearly don’t like his sons. So leave the situation?
Why would you get married under these circumstances. Don’t do it just to try and score a point against ExW / sons. Just get on with your own life and find a situation that would make you happier.

Coali · 03/04/2025 11:38

I don’t understand why you want to get married? It surely adds even more complications? If you both have your own children it’s much better to keep your finances separate.

MissDoubleU · 03/04/2025 11:34

Chillednursey · 03/04/2025 11:29

Yes it does doesn’t it, I read it back & it’s absolute facts, I’m not fabricating g any of this. I’ve never vented before & it’s good to get an unbiased view from others.
I think I need to get a solicitor when I get some money together (from the sale of my deceased mums house) as we have separate money/bank accounts. I want to see what would be fair if we were to get married & one of us dies. He wants to leave me 1/10th as advised by his solicitor. If we were to get married I think he would want me to sign a pre nup. His assets are around £2.5million & I only have around £300K. I would be expected to live here & invest/contribute to this house for the next say 20 years & he would want 1/10th if my net worth when he has not lived at my house (my grown up kids live there). It’s all very complicated isn’t it!

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Sounds like you’re getting the raw end of the deal regardless. But if he’s still having secret and sneaky communication with his ex wife, whom he runs to the aid of whenever she snaps fingers. His dear children, who are total misogynists, will also always come before you.

Why exactly would you want to marry this man? After 9 years together he hasn’t pulled the trigger, it doesn’t sound like he’s eager to give up anything. Just keeping you on the hook enough to have you around and contributing to his life, which he otherwise lives as he pleases.

I would keep my finances separate and not marry this man at all. I wouldn’t live with him either, not until he made a firm choice that he wanted to be with me. Really be with me, with respect.

Original poster

Chillednursey · 03/04/2025 11:29

Gimmethenight · 03/04/2025 07:24

Now you have posted that, the situation seems even worse. How often do you see his children? It doesn’t sound like a very nice environment for you. What does he think about his boys behaving like that?

I wouldn’t personally want anything to do with any of them.

You call him your fiance. When are you planning on getting married?

Yes it does doesn’t it, I read it back & it’s absolute facts, I’m not fabricating g any of this. I’ve never vented before & it’s good to get an unbiased view from others.
I think I need to get a solicitor when I get some money together (from the sale of my deceased mums house) as we have separate money/bank accounts. I want to see what would be fair if we were to get married & one of us dies. He wants to leave me 1/10th as advised by his solicitor. If we were to get married I think he would want me to sign a pre nup. His assets are around £2.5million & I only have around £300K. I would be expected to live here & invest/contribute to this house for the next say 20 years & he would want 1/10th if my net worth when he has not lived at my house (my grown up kids live there). It’s all very complicated isn’t it!

OP posts:

Gimmethenight · 03/04/2025 07:24

Now you have posted that, the situation seems even worse. How often do you see his children? It doesn’t sound like a very nice environment for you. What does he think about his boys behaving like that?

I wouldn’t personally want anything to do with any of them.

You call him your fiance. When are you planning on getting married?

Original poster

Chillednursey · 03/04/2025 00:12

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 19:02

How old are the children in this situation? They can’t be that young given the ages you’ve stated..

His boys are 19 & 16, very materialistic, arrogant & wannabe Tate brothers. They even shave their heads & do Kickboxing to be like Andrew Tate. The eldest now has his own social media marketing business, bought a Porsche (boxer) & Rolex. He has opened a Dubai bank/business account to avoid tax. They are all very money obsessed & talk about nothing but cars, watches, guns & money! Too much testosterone going around!

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Original poster

Chillednursey · 03/04/2025 00:06

Chocoholicnightmare · 02/04/2025 16:50

I don't know of anyone who pays their ex's bills after 9 years, however old the children are- it's ridiculous. I wonder if she is wary of you, maybe worried you'll call her out on draining his finances. They should have had a clean break by now and if the children are under 18, he would only need to pay the minimum child support. She is sponging off him and you wonder what she'll try and get once the children are older. Of course if they go to uni they'll need financial support but it should be split equally (I do this). Do you know the situation with his pension? I think she's keeping him close for a reason.

The had the one solicitor to oversee the divorce, she trusted him to sort everything as he was in control of all financial stuff when they were married. The DW got the marital home & he got the 4 rental houses they had. We now live in one of the rental houses that we renovated. So now I’m not so sure if they ever did the ‘clean break’ divorce. He does have the divorce absolute & the ex wife had to write a letter to the judge that she was happy with the arrangement they made.

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Original poster

Chillednursey · 03/04/2025 00:00

BoredZelda · 02/04/2025 16:43

How do you know he is deleting his messages?

Because they pop up on his screen (not the actual message just a notification, if he ever shows me a message (if I have asked what it was or he knows I saw the pop up like when we are in the car) then any previous messages are not here….it’s a new thread whenever he shows me but he gets frequent messages. Some are harmless & about the boys etc….just seems weird to delete them all the time.

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MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 19:02

How old are the children in this situation? They can’t be that young given the ages you’ve stated..

Quitelikeit · 02/04/2025 18:51

Never seen a court order say you need to pay the bills

Anyway - this situation clearly makes you feel uncomfortable- tell him that you want to see him make you the priority?

He might tell you she means nothing to him but his actions show otherwise!

Anyway it’s ok to be a caring good man I suppose

Gimmethenight · 02/04/2025 18:46

Are you sure they are actually divorced btw?