Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty that I have caused dd to have ADHD

84 replies

StruckbyLightening · 02/04/2025 09:51

I feel really upset. I have epilepsy and have just found out that dd has ADHD. The consultant told us that there is a link between them, so technically I have very likely passed the gene down to her, meaning she was at a higher risk of ADHD because of me.
She doesn't have epilepsy, apparently, there is only a tiny chance of getting that from a parent.
I don't think I have ADHD (not certain as apparently it isn't uncommon for it to co-exist with epilepsy, so I may have/had a form of it as well). Now, thinking back, I believe it is very likely that one of my parents had ADHD which consequently led to a whole host of alarming issues later, ending in death.

I just feel so upset for dd, and the challenges she is having to face in life. I can't help but feel guilty, and that it is because of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
StruckbyLightening · 02/04/2025 10:51

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 10:48

The answer is to built on her self esteem and how she copes. She could feel this way without ADHD. She could act this way from a number of sources. This behaviour is not a specific ADHD thing. It is how she is coping. You give her other ways to cope and build her up and she won’t do this.

Rather than feeling guilty, as I have already said, do something productive. Research ways to help your daughter cope (there are many ways other than medication, or that will also help the medication be more effective) and implement them. Put your energy into helping her.

Show quote history

Yes, the consultant said he feels dd's self hatred derives from dd's inner frustration at not reaching her full potential at school. He feels she is very intelligent to the point she should be ahead in every subject and we need to nurture her talent, start this medication and help her focus.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 02/04/2025 10:50

StruckbyLightening · 02/04/2025 10:44

Thank you, agree, but think pp was just trying to make me feel better, because I do need to calm down.
I hope the medication helps dd when she gets it. Seeing her hit herself in the face, scratch and nip herself is heartbreaking. The self hatred she has inside, calling herself stupid, and much more, I cannot put into words how much I feel for her. The rest of it I feel is her wonderful self completely, but this is part I want to take away.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh I’ve found this post. Is this the answer to my last question?

She just needs help coming to terms with they way she operates op. The diagnosis is what will enable her to get help with this.

Calliopespa · 02/04/2025 10:48

You are just coming to terms with new information op. Many, many children are now known to have adhd and ASD who would have gone undiagnosed in other generations.

It does sound as though whatever problems your parent suffered are what is most “spooking” you. Can you explain that a little more as you say it led to death but that sounds more like an unmanaged condition - if not something else entirely. I’m not sure you need to be thinking along those lines just because of an adhd diagnosis.

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 10:48

StruckbyLightening · 02/04/2025 10:44

Thank you, agree, but think pp was just trying to make me feel better, because I do need to calm down.
I hope the medication helps dd when she gets it. Seeing her hit herself in the face, scratch and nip herself is heartbreaking. The self hatred she has inside, calling herself stupid, and much more, I cannot put into words how much I feel for her. The rest of it I feel is her wonderful self completely, but this is part I want to take away.

Edited
Show quote history

The answer is to built on her self esteem and how she copes. She could feel this way without ADHD. She could act this way from a number of sources. This behaviour is not a specific ADHD thing. It is how she is coping. You give her other ways to cope and build her up and she won’t do this.

Rather than feeling guilty, as I have already said, do something productive. Research ways to help your daughter cope (there are many ways other than medication, or that will also help the medication be more effective) and implement them. Put your energy into helping her.

Original poster
StruckbyLightening · 02/04/2025 10:44

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 10:38

And very ableist. Incredibly insulting all round, to both the ND community and her own daughter.

Show quote history

Thank you, agree, but think pp was just trying to make me feel better, because I do need to calm down.
I hope the medication helps dd when she gets it. Seeing her hit herself in the face, scratch and nip herself is heartbreaking. The self hatred she has inside, calling herself stupid, and much more, I cannot put into words how much I feel for her. The rest of it I feel is her wonderful self completely, but this is part I want to take away.

OP posts:
LameBorzoi · 02/04/2025 10:44

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 10:37

I have ASD and ADHD and can say categorically your attitude is not helpful to your daughter. You are in essence wishing she wasn’t the way she was. Focus on helping with what she finds difficult and finding ways to make her life easier. Find the positives in who she is, because this IS who she is. Nitpicking over who exactly she may have inherit which specific traits from - and ignoring that some traits will be hers all of her own - is completely counterproductive.

Show quote history

I agree.

I don't have ADHD - ADHD is me. Without it, I would be another person altogether.

The advantages are real. My life is far richer for it, and I could not do my job half as well without it.

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 10:43

I knowingly brought children into this world knowing that my ND would be passed on. What a horror, how do I live with myself!?

Well. My beautiful offspring bring nothing but joy into my life and the lives of all they touch. Don’t know where I’m supposed to fit “guilt” into any of it, when I’m so unbelievably proud of every part of them. Proud also of the unique perspective they bring to the world, from the unique way they interpret it.

RatedDoingMagic · 02/04/2025 10:40

It's not due to something you "did" though is it? It's a probability associated with your specific genes. The only thing you could have done differently would have been to choose to remain childless and advocating for that would be saying that it's better to have never been born than to live with neurodiversity. As a neurodiverse person myself I do not believe it's better to have never been born than to live with neurodiversity, therefore there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. The love and joy in your life and your daughter's life exist because of the decision you made tp create her wonderful, unique and beautiful life. The fact that these joys come with a side-order of challenges is not unique, and does not detract from the joy. There is no such thing as a life without challenges and we would be very boring people if there were. She will be ok.

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 10:38

WoodyOwl · 02/04/2025 10:36

It's adhd, not a death sentence. You are being very dramatic.

And very ableist. Incredibly insulting all round, to both the ND community and her own daughter.

Original poster
StruckbyLightening · 02/04/2025 10:37

WoodyOwl · 02/04/2025 10:36

It's adhd, not a death sentence. You are being very dramatic.

Dh says the same, he is telling me to calm down. I don't show any of this infront of dd, so it's all coming out while she is at school. I think it possibly linking to my dead parent is having an extra effect too.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 10:37

StruckbyLightening · 02/04/2025 10:33

I feel it is possible I have adhd intertwined with my epilepsy. Dh has traits of autism which we think have also been passed down to dd. She was diagnosed with both ADHD and autism. It is the ADHD that feel is causing her the most hardships, that has most likely came from me. She is so so bright, and the consultant said she is not reaching her full potential academically to match her intelligence, because of the ADHD. I just feel sick.

Edited
Show quote history

I have ASD and ADHD and can say categorically your attitude is not helpful to your daughter. You are in essence wishing she wasn’t the way she was. Focus on helping with what she finds difficult and finding ways to make her life easier. Find the positives in who she is, because this IS who she is. Nitpicking over who exactly she may have inherit which specific traits from - and ignoring that some traits will be hers all of her own - is completely counterproductive.

WoodyOwl · 02/04/2025 10:36

It's adhd, not a death sentence. You are being very dramatic.

Original poster
StruckbyLightening · 02/04/2025 10:33

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 10:29

If you are very sure you do not have ADHD the genetic link is more likely to come from her other parent. You can’t genetically pass on ADHD if you don’t genetically have it.

Regardless, you haven’t “caused” anything either way.

I feel it is possible I have adhd intertwined with my epilepsy. Dh has traits of autism which we think have also been passed down to dd. She was diagnosed with both ADHD and autism. It is the ADHD that feel is causing her the most hardships, that has most likely came from me. She is so so bright, and the consultant said she is not reaching her full potential academically to match her intelligence, because of the ADHD. I just feel sick.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 10:29

If you are very sure you do not have ADHD the genetic link is more likely to come from her other parent. You can’t genetically pass on ADHD if you don’t genetically have it.

Regardless, you haven’t “caused” anything either way.

Original poster
StruckbyLightening · 02/04/2025 10:22

Hufflemuff · 02/04/2025 10:17

Realistically, would you have never had any children if you knew you had epilepsy before trying for a baby?

Edited

Probably not, esp if I had diagnosed adhd with it and had to take anti seizure meds through pregnancy. I cannot answer it definitively, but I do not think so. I absolutely adore my dcs, so I wouldn't take them back if that makes sense. Seeing dd struggle is just making me feel deep pangs if guilt now. The world is difficult enough. Dd's sibling is NT. We do believe dh may have autism too. I just feel a bit lost atm, amd extensively researching everything.

OP posts:
Itsawildridealright · 02/04/2025 10:21

ADHD - and epilepsy for that matter - isn't a death sentence it's just a different way of operating. The biggest mistake the medical profession ever did IMO was call it a disorder! As pp have said it can be a good thing if managed well, and such a positive thing that it has been picked up now!

Start getting yourself informed and be ready to support your daughter and it will be fine you'll see 😊

Jellyfishcoolimg · 02/04/2025 10:20

There are possible links between ADHD and a host of things, HG for example.

I wouldn’t blame yourself.

Hufflemuff · 02/04/2025 10:17

Realistically, would you have never had any children if you knew you had epilepsy before trying for a baby?

Original poster
StruckbyLightening · 02/04/2025 10:14

Autumn38 · 02/04/2025 10:01

Be so proud of yourself that you’ve enabled her to be diagnosed now. Now she has a diagnosis she will be given information and tools to help her cope.

She is still her own wonderful person, now just with an awareness of areas where she’ll need more support.

I don’t want to sound glib because I don’t mean to be at all, BUT for example, she’ll now be sat at the front of every classroom and given lots of extra support and encouragement from the teacher. Extra praise when she does something right. That is actually a lovely thing, and she has lots to look forward to.

That's really nice of you to say. I'm now starting to wonder if I have coexisting adhd with epilepsy, recognising some symptoms in myself, or am I being paranoid; they are so intertwined if you have them together.
I am almost 40, dd is 8. I just feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Now to think back to my dead parent showing every symptom of adhd, and nobody realising is awful.
My mind goes a million miles an hour, but I went to university, didn't have issues. I was shy/quiet as a child in school. Being older and being on epilepsy meds, I just sort of put it down to that, now I'm thinking was it adhd too. Should I mention this go my neurology incase my epilepsy meds should be tweaked?

OP posts:
Putthekettleon73 · 02/04/2025 10:12

My son is autistic. Once he got diagnosed it was very evident my husband is autistic! His brain and way of seeing the world is one of the reasons I married him. You can't think of it as guilt for genetics. My son has had more struggles at school but is in a good set up now and neither he nor I would change his brain type. He's so clever and gets such deep joy out of things in life. I have two neurotypical kids too, they are lovely and generally find life easier but they have other stuff that's hard in life.

It's a journey of understanding neuro diversity and that's ok but just remember that throughout history people have always had different brain types and we need those different approaches and views of the world.

AxolotlEars · 02/04/2025 10:12

Neurodiversity is inherited. You only 'gave' it to her as you were 'given' it. It's like what colour eyes or hair you have.

Wolfiefan · 02/04/2025 10:06

It isn’t as simple as one thing causing another.
And we do all have traits from our parents. My son had trigger thumb like his dad. But he also has his kind and loving nature.
My daughter has eczema like me but we share the same silly sense of humour.

Original poster
StruckbyLightening · 02/04/2025 10:03

BeaAndBen · 02/04/2025 09:54

There’s no point feeling sorry for a genetic inheritance, OP! The alternative is no children at all - so accept that your daughter has inherited loads of great things from you and maybe some not so great.

Mine nag me about bad teeth but are lucky with great hair. The arthritis isn’t something I can do much about.

Thank you, I feel so so awful about it. I didn't know I had epilepsy when I had my dcs. It was diagnosed afterwards due to a couple of big seizures. Apparently it had lay dormant /was mild in parts of my life. There were some myoclonic things happening as child in my sleep which dm thought were night terrors at that time. All of the pieces fell in to place after my diagnosis. Now dd has ADHD, I just feel in a bit of shock, and ignorant quite honestly. I didn't know one could cause the other.

OP posts:
Autumn38 · 02/04/2025 10:01

Be so proud of yourself that you’ve enabled her to be diagnosed now. Now she has a diagnosis she will be given information and tools to help her cope.

She is still her own wonderful person, now just with an awareness of areas where she’ll need more support.

I don’t want to sound glib because I don’t mean to be at all, BUT for example, she’ll now be sat at the front of every classroom and given lots of extra support and encouragement from the teacher. Extra praise when she does something right. That is actually a lovely thing, and she has lots to look forward to.

Readystepgo · 02/04/2025 10:00

Oh OP, please don't be hard on yourself. You know she has it, so any support needed can be put in place. My DS has ADHD and from going through the checklist when he was diagnosed, I ticked most boxes and I am pretty sure it came from me. We both have very full, happy lives and I wouldn't hesitate to have another DC.