To feel guilty that I have caused dd to have ADHD

I think we all guilt trip ourselves with kids who have any health struggles. DD2 has ADHD and ASD, no history of anything in the family (though DH/me could be undiagnosed) or any related health conditions, nor any trauma. But I was still feeling guilty about how we may have caused it.

I think her having this is part of what makes DD2 herself, and she is absolutely lovely and fortunate in so many ways, but I would have rather spared her all the difficulty she has with attending secondary school and getting qualifications.

To be honest, women coping better than men with being ND is a social conditioning issue not a being ND one. For women to act on the same impulses and ‘anger’/meltdowns that come with these conditions is seen as poor behaviour for girls, whilst when men are young it’s excused as ‘boys being boys’. A double edged sword, we ‘cope’ better, mask better but it comes at a huge cost to ourselves. Men get into trouble but at least then are ‘seen’.

As someone with adhd...irs nothing to be ashamed or guilty about. Adhd isn't something terrible. It's something that yes, makes life trickier sometimes, but it makes me who I am.

All emotions are allowed in this situation. I agree that it's not a death sentence but it's scary when your child is first diagnosed with something.

i am autistic and my mum is also autistic :) it is likely genetic, which i don’t mind at all as much like adhd it is not inherently bad or harmful. it’s lovely that you have this much care and concern for your daughter but plenty of people have adhd and live completely normal lives - it isn’t an illness or disability :) please don’t worry! you can join some online groups or pages for women with adhd to get some idea of how it is to live with and hopefully some reassurance :)

It’s just ADHD, it’s not the end of the world. I have ADHD and by generally accepted societal standards I am very successful in my life. I have also ‘given’ ADHD to my DD, I’m not worried about it, it’s just a part of her like it’s a part of me.

Roughly 1% of the country has epilepsy. 80 people are diagnosed each day. 1 in 10 people having an EEG will have something abnormal picked up. Estimates are 60-70 million people in the world have the condition. You are in a big minority.

What is a silver lining is that you weren’t taking epilepsy drugs whilst you were pregnant because with the age of your children there is a chance you could have been on the one that has been banned now in child bearing women because doctors didn’t realise it was unsafe. It’s incredibly upsetting that medicine women were taking harmed their children.

Yes there is a link between adhd and epilepsy but researchers say it is complex and there are so many other factors at play too. Unless you had very detailed genetic testing you can’t definitely conclude anything.

I find some consultants can say things in a way that plays on your mind, ironically because their ‘soft skills’ are lacking as they have some sort of neurological condition themselves. Autism and psychopathy are highly correlated with men in high ranking professions. I got told that by a consultant of psychiatry!

It’s really easy to blame yourself. In the end, what’s the point? Why waste energy blaming yourself when you could use that energy on steering your child down a better course. As others have said, use your knowledge to create a positive outcome.

Your child is nothing like your dad. She is her own person in her own right, shaped by two people who sound like caring people who will help her to fulfill her potential.

I can understand how you feel. I have a genetic issue that is potentially life threatening, that I didn’t know about until after I had children. One has tested negative but the other still needs testing. If they have it I will feel terrible.

I agree. I have adhd as do both my dd. I have a bf with adhd whose been to prison when he went of meds. He's back on meds and yes the drugs I've seen that from him and we are on and off alot. I've never done drugs. I have been to uni I have a good job more inattentive adhd. My youngest is experiencing eating issues and I'm at a lose end and so upset about it all she internalises everything the ed psych says this and the nhs cahms say without meds a risk to self and others. The elder dd sexual risks def. It's extremely hard but me and my dd appwar to cope alot better than the bf with it is my point.

Everyone with adhd is affected differently. My elderly daughter with adjd diagnosed at 15 is.nore inattentive and cannot focus on more than 1 thing and describes her self as being on a cloud. Also very receptive to abusive boys and for dopamine was running around with different boys and wouldn't listen. Meds have been a game changer. My youngest age 8 bit everyone ran out highly string bad moods violence etc smashing things of others and painting my kitchen floor green needing to be micromanaged and would happily go weeks without brushing teeth still wets bed so we have to take meds for this and wont sleep so again meds for this. Again adhd meds have really helped and I can see my daughter now without just symptoms of adhd ruining her life. Had a day without meds other day as she's low in weight and she was painting fence (hyper child) she had her full arm in the paint doing cart wheels around the house. Yesterday medicated and she painted the fence lovely 😍 crafted lovely but still.left the house a big mess. I love both my kids wouldn't change anything. Issue I'm having at moment is I feel the youngest is using not eating as a control mechanism so she is being referred to the dietician as she is too thin :(

If you meant adhd is worse in men than women, I strongly disagree. Men with adhd are more likely to externally react, women are more likely to cause themselves harm. So men may be more prone to impulsive behaviours that lead to criminal acts, women are more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviour or have eating disorders. Both sexes are more likely to have addictions or executive functioning disorders that lead to poor money management or chaotic home lives. Both sexes usually end up with poorer mental health. It’s not a top trumps, adhd can wreck anyone’s life if not recognised. And I’ve said before, I think there needs to be serious research into the correlation between ADHD and dementia for everyone.

I am not convinced that epilepsy causes ADHD or that there's any real evidence of that?

Either way, nicely, you are being a bit ridiculous. I understand why it's upsetting, of course, but you didn't "Cause" her ADHD. At worst, genetically, it came through you. But ADHD is just one of those things. It's not a death sentence and you didn't do anything wrong.

She's 8 so you've got lots of time to work through this and figure out how to support her.

no I don’t think it’s out of order it’s on par with saying that autism is a super power. people need to stop acting like disabilities are amazing and be honest about how horrible it is to have so that people can make informed decisions

I have ADHD and I didn’t find out until I was 38. What I wish is that I’d known sooner, had been educated, supported and possibly medicated (this is controversial especially for kids and a very personal decision).

Channel your feelings into educating yourself on ADHD (Russell Berkeley is a great place to start), so you’re in the best position to love and support your daughter. I promise you it will mean everything to her to have her mum by her side during any challenges she might face from this.

www.amazon.co.uk/Taking-Charge-ADHD-Third-Authoritative/dp/1462542670/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1KDA2VZG4SYFV&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.TzY8N55G4mpFqZHkkuR8fOTJVjM3c1mVsXO4vgg7OsNpape62BgEn5ZSovqQiE0SLKD1DiLW9lw2ELBQRP9slOuRVo_arCht5_ivDxss_TE.STPLv0hq20fXScpw0tw26MYVJ18o-kgRVhA43hfGBog&dib_tag=se&keywords=russell+berkeley+adhd&qid=1743588850&sprefix=rissel+ber%2Caps%2C93&sr=8-1

Your feelings and the way you view things are completely valid but don’t you think it’s a bit out of order to invalidate the way someone else views their condition?

I have hyper focus and it has caused me to neglect myself to the point of me being ill and not eating or sleeping whilst I prioritise other things
there’s nothing positive about a disability call it what it is and it needs to stop being glorified

Adhd is worse is men us ladies with it aside from the extreme mood issues and rejection sensitivity dysphoria it's manageable. Meds make it fine. I take concerta and have sertraline to keep my anxiety and depression at bay when the meds wear off :) my mum feels guilty God knows why as its gone right through the family. My mum has always been known as being a bit bat shit and highly impulsive with awful moods and outspoken never knew it was adhd. Til I had a child exactly like my mum then realised we all have it. Don't stress.

My parents caused my CPTSD, that’s not genetic.

It’s not your fault, please don’t feel guilty. There’s nothing wrong with being neurodivergent.

ADHD is triggered by trauma

There is a possibility that she will grow out of it for want of a better term.

Ds virtually has.

Don't come at me for this, it was his pysch who said some kids can grow out of it by their mid 20s.

Does anyone know the percentages of ADHD and ASD in society?

I know that doesn’t unhappen struggles but I’m presuming OP is far from alone in terms of support and understanding on the journey.

I’m really sorry to hear that op. But you knew your DM suffered that way and now you have something you didn’t have before: an understanding of why snd how she reached that point, and a key 🔑 to stop this happening to you and dc. I realise that doesn’t help your DM and your loss there. 💐 But you have pieces of a puzzle that was always there - you just lacked the ability to assemble it. Now you have that power. Does it help to view it that way?

I gave my children ADHD (waiting on my own dx appointment next month!), but I can’t feel guilt because I’m 99% sure I got it from my own mother. There’s huge signs of it within my immediate family, it’s just the way we’re made. It’s really not all bad, the anxiety and inability to sleep is difficult, but I see how brilliant my children’s minds work and I’ve learned to appreciate that in myself. My kids inherited autism from their dad’s side, I think he feels bad he didn’t recognise it in himself before their traits emerged but it was a sign of his time and couldn’t be helped.

That was a very odd thing to tell you, not sure how robust the data is on that and seems unfair to suggest you caused it! If it’s any consolation I feel like this all the time. I have ADHD and my daughter is currently being assessed, I definitely feel responsible genetically and often feel bad about it as she does struggle.