To feel guilty that I have caused dd to have ADHD

Interesting that you definitely in a not patronising way what so every called the idea ‘cute’, dismissed it and yet (absolutely in a more eloquent way) showed exactly the correlation I was referring to in point 1. The ability to process and execute is exactly what I mean in the comparison to dementia, but as I said I’m not a scientist/neurobiologist. This thread isn’t really the platform for a deep dive, however I do think much more research needs to be done into longterm impact of ADHD as it’s not taken seriously as a brain/developmental difference at the moment.

Cute hypothesis but completely simplistic and not correct. That sounds super patronising but I do not mean it to 😂

While research is ongoing and the exact mechanisms are not fully understood, there are several potential reasons why individuals with ADHD might have an increased risk of dementia:

1. Shared Risk Factors:

1. Brain Structure and Function:

1. Medication Use:

1. Brain Iron Levels:

Firstly, there's no logic in feeling guilty for something that wasn't your fault. All parents pass genes to their children, often completely unknowingly, for countless different traits and conditions. That's just what having a child means.

Secondly, even if you'd known there was a risk that your child might have ADHD, would you have decided not to have any children for that reason? 'They might have ADHD' is really not a reason most people would consider in their decision to have kids or not, to be honest. It's a very, very common form of neurodivergence that millions of people have. It's not like you've passed on a terminal illness or a life-limiting disability. So I doubt it would have made any difference to your choices anyway. You need to be a lot more proportonate about this.

My DD is deaf - genetic as her Dad is deaf. She also has ASD which is genetic and from both sides. She is short-sighted = my side. She has flat feet, also me! We didn't "cause" her to be deaf, blind, flat footed and weird - it's genetic. The only option we'd have had was not to breed as none of these issues can be detected in utero.

It takes some re-adjustment following diagnosis and it is normal to feel very sad for your kid and for your life that things will be harder than they "ought" to be.

I'm sorry you feel like this, and your feelings are completely valid, but please don't try to speak on behalf of all us with adhd. I have hyper focus and have found it incredibly helpful and positive through my life, and don't see it as a disability at all.

On the flip side, some people with ADHD (like me) are obsessively organised and tidy. It’s the anxiety I feel over needing to keep everything organised that’s the issue rather than the chaos. I think it’s possible for at least some people with ADHD to stay on top of things, though it can comes at a cost.

I was going to ask this too. I have epilepsy (which I knew about pre-kids) and ADHD (which I didn’t). I don’t believe either are a good reason not to have children, and as PP have said, you’ll be bringing all kinds of positives to her life that you’re not focusing on right now.

That said, this is a completely normal part of the adjustment process when you learn your child has some potential barriers ahead. It looks like my son has epilepsy too and I’ve been there. Be kind to yourself - this will pass 😊

Armando Iannuchi has just discovered he’s got ADHD, he’s taking medication and can feel the difference. If he had been diagnosed sooner perhaps he wouldn’t have been as creative. Robbie Williams the singer is also diagnosed with ADHD, among other things, his creativity has definitely disappeared.

My daughter is dyslexic and being tested for ADHD as per her psychiatrist. My husband is also dyslexic as is his mother and two of his four siblings. He also presents with ADHD characteristics, up until all this information being available online I just thought his ways were different, but we’re all different. I’m uber organised, he isn’t, he has to work a lot harder on it, he’s a creative engineer though, we purely lived and saved off a royalty for 4 years due to his design.

If I was also dyslexic and ADHD we’d be in a fine old pickle. My mother in law most definitely has ADHD, her life is so chaotic and confusing, this was probably the reasoning when a court judge gave custody to her husband 55 years ago, all 4 children didn’t want to live with her, she’s hard work now at the age of 80. She has managed to buy a property in the Uk and abroad, but she never paid a penny for child maintenance, she’s not the only female I know to get away with this, it’s not just a male thing.

This is really not worth worrying or feeling guilty over. You will be a better parent if you have a positive view of yourself and don't beat yourself up over things like this. I have had to tell myself this before, and other people have told me this, and it's important to remember.

If you think rationally, there is really nothing for you to feel guilty about. You have a condition and have now been told there's a link between that and another condition. It's not like you drank during pregnancy and your child has FASD.

Finally, I have ADHD myself. ADHD and autism run in my family. It's a challenge but it's a treatable condition. I wasn't diagnosed until adulthood; you've already put your daughter in a good position by having her assessed and diagnosed early. HTH

For me hyperfocus is a good thing. I don't think you can blanket everyone else's experiences through your view of your own. In my case ADHD is NOT a disability at all, I have learned to adapt to it and work with it, so it does not prevent me from doing anything whatsoever. In fact, as I said, as an author, having an alternative view on life is a positive benefit (I am a very successful author who is multi published).

I have ADHD and I’m trying for a baby, if we’re lucky enough to have one it’s pretty likely they’ll also have ADHD.

It’s not a life limiting illness, it’s a different way of working which the world fails to accommodate and as a mum you can help your child navigate that. When I was diagnosed, the psychiatrist said there are people who have ADHD traits but don’t meet the diagnosis criteria because their parents also have ADHD that they manage well so they teach them coping strategies, advocate for them, make sure they get the right support when needed, etc.

My ambition is to be one of those parents. I can’t change my genes but I can make life with ADHD much easier for my child than it was for me. That way they’ll have the benefits diverse thinking can bring but hopefully less of the struggle.

I understand your feelings of guilt. We know it's not rational, but we feel it all the same. My DD has ADHD and cerebral palsy. I feel far worse about the latter than the former. Best ways to relieve the feelings of guilt IMO is to praise her - people with ADHD receive more criticism than non-neurodivergents and yet are more sensitive to it), read about the condition as much as possible and seek to understand. Try every medication under the sun until you find one she is comfortable with. Have different boundaries (eg with tidiness) but otherwise treat her exactly the same as any other child.

The only thing a parent should feel guilty of is passing on trauma through abusing them

I do get your guilt , of course you do , I tell my daughter she is so lucky I gave her a fantastic bum! Try to focus on positive and not in the things you have no control over

Personally (and I’m not a scientist!), I think it’s multiple factors. However, if the brain is like a computer someone with ADHD will have a ‘hyper processor’ of a brain. Eventually it’s going to burnout a lot faster than a typical brain. It’s only hypothetical but I think there is valid research to be done into the longterm effects of living with adhd.

Literally everyone has something they don't like that they've genetically inherited, so if it wasn't that it would be something else.

OP, this must be very fresh for you and so I am not going to tell you that you are unreasonable for having feelings. However, a bit of time and perspective will hopefully help you see this is not something you have done to your child: it is just what it is. With your love and support your child will find a way to manage her condition. You are clearly a loving mother. If it helps my youngest almost certainly has ADHD as does his biological sister and almost certainly his biological mum and his other biological sister. I certainly do not see his mum as having done this to him and do not feel critical of her for the fact he likely has the condition- there are choices she has made which I might criticise but certainly not her genetics. If it also helps he is wonderfully imaginative, has a boundless curiosity and a real flare for the dramatic and I wonder if he would be like that if not for the likely ADHD. So I cannot wish it away even if it means there are some struggles with school work which I wish he did not have to face.

So any parent of a child with any condition passed on genetically is bad?
Dyslexia, adhd, ASD, diabetes, cancer risk, dementia risk for example. Most of these things are not even apparent until after you’ve had dc.
wfat about ugliness. Or stupidity. They can be genetically passed on

You could flip your thinking. The earlier it's picked up the more chance there is at finding learning methods that allow the person to thrive. There may be challenges but they are easier to deal with when you know what you're dealing with. Work with her to find her strengths and what help can be implemented to help with weaknesses.

I was 52 when it was suggested I had adhd, went away from my GP with book list and a referral. Read some books and realised why I've had a lifetime of struggling with certain things. Now working on enhancing life as I am rather than the masked version.

You didn't cause anything. It's just nature and everyone has certain things they can pass down to their kids genetically.
I didn't even know those two conditions were linked. I've had a few tonic clinic seizures but not diagnosed with epilepsy, I also suspect I've got ADHD but it was never picked up on girls, if at all when I was growing up. Noone in my family has either of them though?
Honestly, don't worry. It's a manageable condition in many cases and very common as you know.

I want to apologise for what I said earlier, being negative and putting a damper on it. I have had 5 hours of sleep and it’s actually nice that everyone is being so positive.

@StruckbyLightening I have epilepsy and no one has ever said to me that there is a link between epilepsy and ADHD... You could think of it that your daughter was always going to have ADHD, regardless of you having epilepsy, because that's who she is. Hopefully I've worded this ok.

My DCs have inherited all our bad 'genes', but that is just one of those things really if you breed. No-one is perfect medically and how would you know you having epilepsy is a risk factor for your DD having ADHD, I didn't (and have had seizures in past few years). DD has been assessed as having ADHD although not a full diagnosis as yet that that wouldn't even cross my mind (the assessment was done for DSA/educational purposes but traits are obvious to me/her now). And she is a high achiever even though the getting there is stressful!