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Original poster

Is my teen son being coercively controlled?

58 replies

Anonymousforthisone2025 · 02/04/2025 09:14

My son is 15 and so is his girlfriend of around 3 months. She's been to our home for dinner but they spend most of the time in his room. So far in the relationship she has made him wear a bobble on his wrist to indicate he's taken, changed her Snapchat name on his phone to My Girl, insists he spends all his break times at school with her and yesterday he came back from her house with some handprint artwork featuring bother their hand prints overlapping each other that he has to display in his room. I may be over reacting, mainly because I was in a coercive relationship which I didn't even realise until years later so please talk me down if I am.
Is this just normal tern behaviour nowadays? I don't remember that far back and I didn't have a boyfriend until 17 and he was the coercive one 🙄

OP posts:
TheLoyalMumof2 · 02/04/2025 10:01

i believe personally this is typical “young love” or “young relationships” they are intense. this all sounds normal to me. just keep an eye on being able to spend healthy time apart from eachother. is he not feeling the same way? maybe ask him.

adcde123 · 02/04/2025 09:58

I agree with you op, have a chat about your own previous experience, it will be helpful for him to consider comparisons to his own situation and make him aware for future reference in this or any other relationships - and keep the lines of communication open. 💐

MattCauthon · 02/04/2025 09:48

haha, isn't this just normal teenage intensity? the only concern is that if he's not feeling the same level of intense feelings, then perhaps this relationship isn't right. At that age, never mind spending all breaks together, we were glued to our boyfriend/girlfriend's side, to th epoint where teachers would be patrolling plagrounds to prevent "inappropriate touching".

It's awful and embarassing to think back on... but teenagers are very intense!

Original poster
Anonymousforthisone2025 · 02/04/2025 09:46

Thank you for the replies so far. He says she has "made him" change his snap chat and wear the bobble but I agree it could just be the first intensity of the relationship. We do talk as far as a teen boy will talk with his mortifyingly embarrassing Mum so hopefully he knows he can tell me if he's overly worried. Might be the time to tell him about my coercive relationship so he can at least understand how insidious it is and how hard to spot. She seems lovely, so hopefully I'm projecting a little bit

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/04/2025 09:32

The only thing I think is a red flag is insisting on spending every break together. I'd be gently questioning him if he misses his friends, how they feel that he is choosing to spend none of his breaks with them, and check that he is doing this because he wants to (which he might well do) or because he feels like he has to

maw1681 · 02/04/2025 09:28

I wouldn’t be alarmed just yet but do keep an eye on things and have a talk about healthy relationships, being able to spend time apart, not being jealous etc

YogaMumOfTwo · 02/04/2025 09:23

I think what you're seeing is somewhere between typical teenage intensity and potential red flags. At 15, relationships can be quite dramatic and all-consuming from what I remember.

Some of these things (the handprint art, silly nicknames) seem like normal teenage romance stuff. But the wrist band/bobble as a "taken" marker and insisting he spends ALL his breaks with her is edging into controlling behaviour, whether that's through insecurity or other issues who knows, I would lean more to insecurity but regardless not healthy!

Your own experience with a coercive relationship is making you sensitive to this and honestly, that's not a bad thing. Rather than confronting directly, maybe have casual conversations about what healthy relationships look like? Ask open questions about how he feels about spending all his breaks with her instead of sometimes with his mates.

My 6yo is obviously nowhere near dating age (thank god 😂), but I'm already trying to build those conversations about respecting others' independence and what good friendships look like.

Trust your instincts and make sure above all you keep the lines of communication open. Maybe mention you noticed the handprint art and use it as a conversation starter: "That's sweet - was it her idea? Do you like having it displayed?" His answers might tell you a lot about whether he's being pressured or if he's genuinely happy about all this.

Octavia64 · 02/04/2025 09:20

Not from the examples given.

it’s common for teen relationships to be quite intense.

Swooping items of clothing or wearing someone’s ring is very common.

changing her name on his phone - meh.

making an artwork that shows they are together and asking him to put it up?

sounds normal.