Is my teen son being coercively controlled?

Well, I certainly have never behaved like that with anyone else I had a relationship with after him. I was just very young and very lonely I think, not many friends, no family connections, and no real idea how to behave in any relationship at that point.

This is the flipside, at that age you're also learning what is and is not OK to request of your partner. I'm sure you didn't think you were being coercively controlling and maybe neither does the OP's son's girlfriend. But these starter relationships are how we learn to navigate our own boundaries vs. our partner's boundaries and hopefully learn from them.

Oh God, I was like this with my first boyfriend. He was 17, I was 15.

I even made him drop out of college becuase I was jealous of who he was speaking to and wanted him to spend all his time with me. There is so many other awful, cringe things.

The good news is that I got bored after a year or so.

It was awful, looking back 30 years.

I'm surprised so many posters think this is OK. The key worry for me is that she "made him" do those things. Does that mean she suggested them to him strongly and he went along with them? (Not really OK but within the range of normal teenage intensity.) Or does it mean she threatened him with consequences if he didn't do them? What would happen if he said no? That's where it becomes quite unambiguous coercion.

The bad news is you probably can't do anything about it at this point - you just need to keep lines of communication open, be there for him if/when he feels like talking, and just quietly observe developments.

The good news is that this is the kind of relationship where he'll learn about his own boundaries and what is/is not OK, in preparation for more serious adult ones, with relatively low stakes.

At this age it's quite hard to delineate between what you want and what you don't want, and where what your partner wants fits into those things. Where's the line between compromising and doing something you don't want to do because it makes your partner happy, and being controlled? So far, wearing a bracelet and changing his screen name are not things that will have major consequences on his life. But as this relationship progresses he'll hopefully learn where and when he should stand up for himself when it comes to things that will affect him more.

Yep, but this is mumsnet so there’s always a skew that lets women off the same behaviour compared to a man.

id definitely keep an eye on this op.

I’d just keep a watchful eye for now but I’d remind him not to lose touch with his friends because of her.
Friends are important and if they are all off doing things without him they’ll soon not bother including him in the group.
She sounds intense and needy to me and as he’s told you that she made him do certain things I’d take from that that he’s not particularly happy about it.
The playground thing is ridiculous, and he really shouldn’t be afraid of telling her that he wants to spend some of his breaks with his friends

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Does he laugh it off or is this troubling him? Does he seem concerned?

It does seem a bit strong if she 'makes him'. But if he is just going along with it and it doesn't stress him out I would just keep an eye on the behaviour.

I was a bit concerned (or maybe a little put out) when my eldest got his first 'serious' girlfriend. She was quite full on, ,that's eased off no they are a bit older and have been together for so long. She used to answer for him, try and talk over me, I've come to know it was a confidence thing with her - and she generally is right, she has an old head on young shoulders. I put a limit to how often they could stay in our house together - max 3 nights a week. They now have their own nights out, own friends and a healthy relationship.

Me and her get on very well together and what was once maybe slight resentment on my part (new woman in his life) i actually see as a godsend - she keeps him grounded, is sensible and they have a good life together.

Exactly!

If a boyfriend was insisting that his girlfriend spends every break with him, taking her away from her friends, and dictating that her phone contact and bracelet demonstrate that she belongs to him, everyone would be screaming 'red flags'.

What @Nutmuncher said.

I would be removing all devices at 9pm to give him a chance to breathe. He can have them back at 7.30.

And no more bedroom time. Every thing in sight.

“mum and dad won’t let me “ is still a valid excuse at this age so use it.

I think you are right to be showing concern

. I do think if you had a daughter and her boyfriend was acting in this way, this wouldn't be labelled as 'young love' as it has been

I thought similar when DS had his first girlfriend.
She bought him a bracelet that said Her King, (we teased him about that), they spent a lot of time together and were a bit intense.
They are still together though and she's lovely. It's just a teenage thing - they get a bit over the top at first.
I would remind him not to alienate his friends and lose them but not worry about it too much.

Normal at that age. I'd be more worried about all the time she's in his room and the patter of tiny feet

Yes I think it sounds like intense teenager stuff where the GF has learnt these things are important to do when your in a romantic relationship, sounds a bit bossy was my first thought.

id just query with him the use of the words “made me”

also the fact that you said your embarrassingly mortifying for him signals to me he may have wanted to check it out with you

Maybe try and talk about relationship dynamics in terms of our own boundaries rather than focus on her as that will drive him towards as the old saying goes

I don’t like the sound of her.
She sounds possessive and controlling.
Especially with the bobble on his wrist and having to spend all of his breaks with her. She doesn’t own him and he should be able to make choices about who he spends his time with.

Yes teenage relationships can be intense, but that’s no excuse for coercive behaviour.

My son has just come out of a very coercive relationship, I blame myself for not noticing sooner and intervening. I said it was usual teenage first love but it got to the point he was eating his tea in 5 minutes otherwise she would make his life hell for being off of the phone, he didn’t join in with family time, lost all his friends. It’s been 2 years of hell. So I understand why you’re being cautious and showing concern.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/#:~:text=Coercive%20control%20is%20an%20act,punish%2C%20or%20frighten%20their%20victim.

Coercive control is a criminal offence. Coercive control and controlling behaviour aren't always the same thing but can be conflated.

You're likely sensitive due to your experiences which is understandable. Just keep an eye and keep an open dialogue going.

Yeah, I think she’s going to be a problem for him.

I think it's quite normal for 'first love' to be very intense. I don't think I'd be worrying just yet, keep the lines of communication open and talk to him about healthy relationships and how it's important to not drop all your mates because you're in a relationship. Hopefully the intensity will drop over time and he'll get a good balance between time with his girlfriend, seeing his mates and spending time with his family.

I think sometimes they see things but need it pointing out like you seeing your friends. We talked a lot about enthusiastic repeated consent and taking things very slowly.

Bedroom doors were open and invite her to lunch or dinner. You can say things like I like how she does X but I am not sure about Y. What do you think?

You can even make stuff up to bring a topic up, do you can be talking to your DH (pre warned) and say Marjorie at work and the issue with daughter or whatever. Just make sure your son is there, ask him from a boy's perspective what he thinks. Have lots of conversations.

My son was in a coercive relationship. Red flags were things like not replying immediately to snaps/messages even if he was studying/at a piano lesson, watching a film with family (during lockdown we paid for a livestream and he was berated for being with us and not responding to her.

Isolating him from his friends because she didn't like them. It didn't end well.

I’ve had a son go through an abusive controlling relationship at a similar age and I think these are in between normal teenage intensity and controlling. It’s her response that would help determine which one it is.
How does she respond if he doesn’t wear the bobble or says he wants to spend time with his friends?

I would be talking to him about healthy relationships. If you and his Dad are still together does he see you have friends you go out with or his Dad does? ie it is normal within a relationship to also be able to spend time with other people. Point this out to him. Ds and I would talk as I cooked so he could literally stand where I couldn't see him in the kitchen but we could have open conversations. We used to use tv shows to point out controlling behaviour (Ross from Friends) and also that a girlfriend should be as easy as being with your mates. If a mate forced you to spend every break time together you would know something was a bit odd about that and would hopefully say I want to spend time with all my friends, not just one.

I would talk to him about your relationship and about how that went. Mine were told love isn't enough and both Dh and I have talked to them about our own experiences. My sons are now almost 22 and almost 19.

The other stuff is normal but he can change the name back on Snapchat if he wants. He shouldn't be afraid to do things like that. It doesn't always have to be what she wants.

Teens are intense because it feels intense. Haven't we all got some memory of that ourselves and our own stupidity too.