Is my teen son being coercively controlled?

Four kids all adults now .I always made it clear that friends come first don't forget or you will regret it later. Also that their partners should let them live their lives not interfere and dominate and equally my kids should not try to live others lives for them.

Am I the only one that read for ages thinking DS was walking around with a bobble hat attached to his wrist & thinking it must get a bit grungy?😂

Bobble thing is normal - I’ve seen my teen son doing this with girlfriends. They won’t even be together in a few months - wouldn’t worry about it.

It is normal, but it can easily spiral. My son had his first girlfriend at the same age. She was lovely, but insecure and possessive and that turned quite quickly into coercion. It started subtly but before long she'd stopped him talking to all his female friends, even ones he'd been friends with since primary school. She messaged relentlessly, expecting him to reply instantly and insisted on spending every minute of free time with him, so he withdrew from his other friends and hobbies. She said she'd harm herself if he split up with her and cut herself to show him that she meant it. That was all within the space of a couple of months. DS was completely out of his depth - not too surprising really, most adults would be. Fortunately he talked to me and between us we sorted it all out (kindly and so that the girl was safe). I know that's an extreme story, but given that it can happen, it's worth chatting to your son. If I had my time again I'd definitely have done that with mine. You can say it's not about his current girlfriend, it's just a chat you should have now he's starting to have relationships and that knowing what's reasonable in a relationship is as important as knowing about sex. Tell him what happened to my son if it helps. Good luck!

It's pretty normal teenager stuff, that said, they are learning how to do relationships and she needs to learn to respect his boundaries and he needs to learn to be comfortable putting them down. In a few more years this behaviour would be a massive red flag if still going!

With teenagers I think it better to drop nuggets and move on rather than have big chats... If he brings similar things up...say things like, it's ok to tell her you want to spend time with your friends as well as her....and then move the conversation on...at some point say...it's ok to have boundaries/space so you don't end up feeling smothered.....if you're not comfortable, you can say no.... etc just to consistently reinforce the message that a) he gets a say b) healthy relationships have time apart as well as time together

I think you are projecting, plus these things seem to bother you and not him, maybe he wants to spend all his lunch with her and wear her hairband on his wrist. Has he expressed that these things are an issue for him or is it just an issue for you?

Might be standard teen relationship, but I completely understand why you are worried. Is he doing these things because he wants to, or because he is afraid of her reaction if he doesn’t? That’s the nub of it, I think.

I’ve heard of the bobble on the wrist thing I think it’s a newish teen thing to show your taken. One of the boys at my daughter’s school was showing his off recently. I also think spending all school breaks together is fairly common, although usually they’d also be with either his mates or hers. So she joins his friends or he joins hers, but occasionally just them. I’d be more interested to see what happens when they are apart. Does she message or FaceTime constantly. Does he have to reply immediately and if he doesn’t she gets either angry or upset. Again regular messaging is common but it’s the need for an immediate reply that’s a concern. Also spending hours on FaceTime when they aren’t really chatting about much but she wants him to stay on anyway pretty much the whole time is a concern. A good test is to say no a few times and see how she responds. If he’s made to feel bad because she’s upset over it or has to grovel because she’s angry then there a problem. Also if she decides she doesn’t like his friends for some reason and tries to get him to stop seeing them that’s also worrying. From what you’ve said so far I’d not be too concerned but keep a lookout for these other things and maybe discuss them now because once they’re already happening might be too late to make him see.

Perhaps coercion is a personality trait applicable to men and women but how it's wielded and responded to is more defined by sex and is where the fault lines play out that make it worse if women are the victims rather than the perpetrators?

Sounds like it’s around the normal for first few intense teen relationships. The rings/bobble. Spending time together. Art work if that’s what they like.

My Ds walks his gf home from school every day, catches the bus over both weekend days even though it’s an hour trip.

There is something very odd with teenage relationships these days. My DS broke up with his first girlfriend because she got upset with him for not doing things such as you mentioned in the OP. He said she was annoying because she wanted all these things for show and she bossed him around. He said that’s not unusual. I think a lot of teenage girls are seeing relationships play out on social media and they feel that’s how they should be. There is no sense that they are being controlling, but really they are.

Please please talk to him about what is reasonable and controlling behaviour characteristics. I know someone who’s 17 year old son was controlled to the point she had all his social media passwords and used them as blackmail for all sorts of awful things. Threatening to kill herself etc. he almost failed his a levels!!!

She shouldn’t be making him do anything. If the genders were reversed (ie if the boy was making the girl do stuff) I think everyone would see immediate red flags. A relationship is about mutual respect, not controlling the other person. Your son is allowed to spend his break times where he wants and with whom he wants. Your son is allowed to wear a bobble if he wishes to, but he’s also allowed to not wear one or take it off if he wants to. Under no circumstances should he be doing those things because she makes him do that. Such unhealthy behaviour from her.
sorry op, I’m not sure how you could beat broach this, but definitely let him know that a relationship is about mutual respect and he should only do something because HE wants to do it, and let him know he can always tell you anything without any judgement.

Honestly that's just normal teenage relationship stuff!

Ive read this to My dd aged 15. She said word for word. Is this his first relationship first proper gf. Many bfs wear their gfs bobble it isnt that deep. It might make them feel happy that each other has something of one another's. Spending alot of time is most likely as they care for each other however make sure they don't spend to much time together as it might not last and he needs his friends. Your making it sound that this gf is having him on a lead. When perhaps he wants to do this. Let him grow up and experience this just ensure appropriate contraception is being used. Your making it sound like he's the unwilling party and she is forcing this. Kids do grow up and you can't stop that you can advise not control.

She doesn't. This is just what teenagers do nowadays.

She sounds bonkers

All very normal. My sixteen year old son has had a girlfriend for a year , it's still all very intense but sweet and they're besotted. This is exactly how it started. This is obviously how they do things now.

When we were at this stage 9 months ago and they were starting to spend all their time in his room I bought a big box of condoms and left them on his bed and they did get used.

So long as they are both happy I don't think you have anything to worry about.

She's very young and maybe still trying to work out how to 'do' relationships, and perhaps just thinks this is normal/has been picking up some unhealthy role models on social media who have weird views on what a 'good girlfriend' should do to 'keep her man'. As others have said, just keep an eye. It's unlikely she'll ruin his life with this sort of nonsense and he'll probably get bored of it.

Yes! A friend had a 15 year old dd and she was always with her bf. 2 months after her 16th birthday she had a dd.

I'm also discovering as parent with boys that imo their gf are way more intense than the boys (perhaps more mature). Mine couldn't understand the whole bobble thing when hsi gf kept going on

Yeah dh went and bit nuts when discoverd teen dc had given his gf a rather special hoodie that he had given ds!

I have a teenage daughter. A hair bobble on your boyfriend’s wrist is definitely a thing in teenage “dating”. She also wears her boyfriend’s hoodie-make sure the girlfriend doesn’t march off with your son’s favourite or most expensive one!
I think this relationship is probably ok if a bit intense at the moment but he has to be able to see his friends and not spend every waking minute with her on her say so.
It also depends on how he feels about it all. If it’s too much, he needs to understand he can talk about this or end things with her.

These are all ‘fashionable’ TikTok type things to show they are in a relationship. It’s intense and over the top but they are teenagers!

just read this to my 15 year old daughter. Pretty normal she says! Her old BF wore her hairband in his wrist willingly 🤣 and she says the other stuff is pretty normal. She thinks the artwork is a bit meh but hey ho! Hopefully all normal OP