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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect my DH to take the day off today...

192 replies

2in2022twoyearson · 02/04/2025 06:20

...to look after our children as I have a virus, sore throat and ear pain mostly, very mild cough and congestion. I didn't sleep well the past two nights. Fully awake since 4 because I was too uncomfortable also, maybe poor mental health, I've had insomnia when I was pregnant, with prenatal anxiety and it's a vicious cycle. Took a lemsip at 5 which has made me feel ok, but if my DH goes to work I'll have to drive to do the school runs, go to a toddler gym I booked, which would probably be easier than staying at home, and generally care for my 2 year old. The 3pm school pick up I'm most worried about as I think I might not be able to do as if he was home I'd nap then. I'll see how I feel in an hour. I did stay home with ds a few months ago when I felt ill, was not too bad when DH left for work so didn't suggest anything and it was horrible so I decided I'd ask.

Context, I work 4 days a week with wednesdays off and yesterday I didn't feel well at work and came home an hour early. I was feverish in the night, DH comented on it.

Other options: see if childminder can have 2 year old and/ or book DD (at school) into after school club. My aunt may be free to do some childcare, she lives about 20 minutes drive as does my cousin, who also has 2 small children and Wednesdays off work but has never looked after ds.

I feel physically ok now, but that's the lemsip and I am unlikely to be able to stay awake all day.

DH is still in bed I gently asked if he'd take the day off and he, still half asleep said 'im not staying at home.' I felt suddenly so angry.i left the room because if I can argue with me he'll think I'm feeling ok.

OP posts:
autisticbookworm · 02/04/2025 08:08

One my bug bears was that if dh is ill he can just go to bed because I do all the school runs etc but if I’m ill I still have to get up (I work part time around school) It’s less of a issue now our son is older but dh never really sympathised. Only once when our son was 2 and Ihad horrific food poisoning did I insist he sort something out.

The frustration is that he can choose to opt out and you can’t. I’d make life as easy on yourself as you can and use childcare. I wonder if next time he’s off sick if you went to work early and left him with the school runs how he would feel?

latetothefisting · 02/04/2025 08:08

If you do have other options I'd try those first. If you're feeling ok after a lemsip then surely....keep taking them and you'll be awake enough, ideally with a nap if youngest can go to childminder/aunt/cousin for a few hours.

I'm not diminishing how rough you can feel but with 2sc in school or nursery you could pick up multiple bugs a year, dh needs to save sick leave for the no other option days.

2chocolateoranges · 02/04/2025 08:06

I’d just get on with it, thats the joys of being a mum.

id get eldest to school, and then come home and have a day longing in couch or in bed with little one and then go back and collect eldest or see if someone can drop them home.

dh being off work is for an emergency only eg i had spent the night in hospital after my sibling had an accident, dh took the next day off to deal with the children while I went back to the hospital.

dh has a work colleague who is off constantly because his partner isn’t well or one of the children aren’t well ( not seriously unwell, colds, coughs , earache) even although his partner is a SAHM. It’s so disrupting to work and he doesn’t get paid for being off so how do they manage financially.

DoNoTakeNo · 02/04/2025 08:05

I hope you feel better soon -
but unfortunately this is life as a parent, so sorry to be so harsh, but suck it up! You may have to be creative with your entertainment & lower your standards for the day.

Cunningfungus · 02/04/2025 08:03

Housemouse245 · 02/04/2025 07:34

Please don’t go to baby gym and give everyone your cold! But also colds are just part of parenting, you just have to crack on.

This! YABU @2in2022twoyearson - it’s rubbish being unwell but your situation in no way requires your DH to take time off.

Regular paracetamol and brufen if you can tolerate both (you can take both alternatively as long as you stay within maximum daily dose eg paracetamol 8am, brufen 10am, paracetamol 12md, brufen 2pm etc) to keep on top of symptoms and drink plenty water. Lazy day with toddler and treats if need be.

DH can take over when he gets home then bath and early night.

You’ll both need to get used to this and save time off for real emergencies and ill health.

ArtyFartyHippopotamus · 02/04/2025 08:03

I’m sorry that you are feeling unwell, but if you are well enough to use social media then you are well enough to struggle through this. We have all been ill but our responsibilities don’t stop. Your husbands job is probably the main family income and in the current job market he needs to be a reliable employee. If it was a medical emergency then that would be a different scenario. Use plan B and ask other family members for help. Hope you feel better soon.

dottiedodah · 02/04/2025 08:03

Agree with others ,see if you can get aunty or cousin to help with DC .also go to bed for a while. Set your phone for school run? I am hard of hearing but mine is set top olume next to me and I hear it!

Isobel201 · 02/04/2025 08:02

It depends on how you react to fevers - if I have a temperature, it sends me really lightheaded and I feel faint, so I cannot walk and stand. That's when I'd just stay in bed and dose myself up with paracetamol and sleep.

Fingeronthebutton · 02/04/2025 08:02

The OP perfectly demonstrates why we use the word snowflake

Shirking · 02/04/2025 08:00

I think this is part of the territory of being a parent. I’ve spent many days feeling very unwell while looking after preschoolers. Not ideal but the reality of life unless you have supportive family.

Ex partner used to work away and I was so ill and couldn’t rest and actually ended up with pneumonia and he still refused to return home. I had never been so ill. That’s when you really realise someone’s true colours.

Inertia · 02/04/2025 07:57

YABU. I wouldn’t even take time off work myself for those symptoms.

35965a · 02/04/2025 07:55

No, I wouldn’t expect a partner to stay off for that. Don’t go to the gym thing. Rest as much as you can between looking after your toddler. If you’re ill, fresh air is good for you and gets the toddler out without you infecting others so maybe go for a walk or something. It’ll be a shit day but taking time off work because your spouse has a normal virus is just crazy.

MaggieBsBoat · 02/04/2025 07:54

How old are you? Where’s your resilience?? It’s a cold.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 02/04/2025 07:51

Sorry but I don't think you should ask your husband to take a day off for this. Stay at home, stick the kids in front of CBeebies, go for a walk later if you feel up to it. Don't drive if it's not safe or go to toddler gym if you may be contagious.

KaToby · 02/04/2025 07:50

JHound · 02/04/2025 07:44

I would expect him to take the day off. “My wife is sick and I need the day to manage leave for the kids.”

I know others would “soldier through” but I would feel hideous trying to take care of kids when sick.

It’s a mild cold, where do you draw the line? Most people go to work with a cold and keep the house running/children cared for.
Save the days off for when they’re really needed.

KaToby · 02/04/2025 07:49

You have a cold. I’ve had laryngitis and a chest infection in the last 3 weeks (no idea why it’s all come at once as I’m rarely ill) I haven’t even considered asking OH to take time off work. If I was vomiting then I would potentially ask him to. Dose up with paracetamol, there’s a great Beechams all in one medicine I’ve been taking that’s really helped. You have childcare options as well so use those if you feel you need to!

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 02/04/2025 07:49

At the most I might see if he could do the school run this morning, duvet day with toddler then if you are still ill tomorrow take the day off sick.

JosieB68 · 02/04/2025 07:47

It’s rubbish feeling unwell and having children to look after but I’d definitely see if 2 year old can go to childcare and if not guess just have to get on with it. My DH works away and I’ve had a time where I was vomiting into a bowl while my toddler was hanging off my leg, it was bloody awful but it passed and so will this.
Hope you feel better soon but no I wouldn’t expect him to take a day off for a cold.

LittleBigHead · 02/04/2025 07:45

And presumably you could take tomorrow off as sick leave from your paid work.

JHound · 02/04/2025 07:44

I would expect him to take the day off. “My wife is sick and I need the day to manage leave for the kids.”

I know others would “soldier through” but I would feel hideous trying to take care of kids when sick.

Livingbytheocean · 02/04/2025 07:44

It’s a cold. You battle on.

ITurnedMyCollarToTheColdAndDamp · 02/04/2025 07:35

The mn bar for illness requiring help is quite high op, so I was all prepared to agree with you. However, it really does sound like you can manage this, and dh's presence, while it would be nice of course, is just not necessary. Cancel the toddler gym thing and anything else unnecessary. Take paracetamol regularly and take it easy, call in other help if you can, and pretty much unlimited cbeebies or whatever floats their boat. Yes it's shit but it's just a day, you can do it. I think you should save the goodwill of dh's boss assuming he has one and DH himself for when you are actually very ill.

If he has the type of job and day that he could very easily work from home and he is being completely dismissive or cruel about it that of course is a different conversation.

I hope you feel better soon x

Codlingmoths · 02/04/2025 07:34

Chocguzel · 02/04/2025 06:24

I think for a sore throat and slight fever I’d soldier on and maybe ask for help as you have described from. Relative or friend.

Vomiting viruses are a different story.

If one partner has to take time off for another partner’s viruses plus their own viruses and maybe some of the days the kids are ill so someone has to be off work then it becomes problematic with their employer.

i hope you feel better soon.

I agree this isn’t quite the level of husband taking time off work. In general I strongly support men caring for their children when their partner is unwell but this does sound stagger through the day level. (If you had more of an actual fever ongoing, I’d change my mind) His reaction was pretty shit though and I hope he gets a bad cold and you can leave dd at home with him and waltz out to do the shop.

Housemouse245 · 02/04/2025 07:34

Please don’t go to baby gym and give everyone your cold! But also colds are just part of parenting, you just have to crack on.

rainingsnoring · 02/04/2025 07:33

No, I definitely wouldn't have asked DH to take a day off for a mild virus. You seem to feel well enough to go to toddler gym so can't be that poorly at all.
I would only expect him to take a day off if it was unsafe for me to care for young children or literally couldn't get out of bed. You just need to get on with it as a parent in this sort of circumstance.