Page 2 | To consider private school

HowManyDucks · 2025-04-01T22:58:15+00:00

I hesitated about putting this question to AIBU as I know it is a decisive issue on Mumsnet, but it is ultimately an AIBU so I've put my hard hat on. I'm being very honest and am writing things that I would never say out loud. It's not humble brag. I am just trying to work out the best thing to do for DD (like every mum does). Private school was not on my radar at all but I am a firm believer in parenting the child you have. I'm trying to work out whether sending to DD to a private school would actually be in her best interest or whether it is just trying to compensate for my own incredibly disappointing school experience. Some context. My brother was a maths whizz (getting A*s in a level maths and further maths age 14 without ever picking up a revision book). He never went to uni and 10 years after leaving school, works in Tesco. (Nothing wrong with that of course but so much wasted potential). I, on the other hand, was a bright (not exceptional like my brother) all rounder, think straight A*s at GCSE and A level. I was offered a music scholarship to a fancy private school but wasn't allowed to go. I resented this for a long time. I went to a bog standard secondary and hated every second of it. I would hate for DD to have to go through what I went though. Most of my classmates went into vocational jobs and apprenticeships after school instead of uni. I joined the military because I didn't this uni was for people from my background. So that's where I am coming from. I grew up in a single parent household, with an alcoholic mother where education was not prioritised. For her, private school was for posh people with more money than sense. Fast forward to having DD. I am a single mum. DD is 13 months old. I'm getting ready to go back to work and so have been on the hunt for a nursery. I understand that babies develop at different rates and that hitting milestones 's early doesn't correspond with intelligence. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide how advanced my DD is and people are commenting a lot. She took her first steps at 7.5 months, walking confidently at 9. At 12 months had a vocabulary of 90+ words (only counting the words she used consistently and in context), could identify approx 10 shapes (like parallelogram and trapezium), she knows approx 20 letters of the alphabet (phonetically) and is pointing out letters when we are out and about. She can recognise some familiar words and is showing an interest in reading. She is excellent at following instructions, I talk to her like I would a five or six year old. She is 13 months 🤦 After some recent threads about behaviour in primary schools i am increasingly worried about whether our local state schools would be best for her (not their fault but if course). Supporting SEND, managing behaviour, and helping all children achieve national average is a greater priority that stretching an able child. I live in London and moving is not an option. I am asking these questions now as local private schools have long waiting lists (some encourage parent s to register from birth). I am in a position where I could afford private school for a couple of years. At the moment I am thinking of paying for her to attend a local private school with the view of applying for a scholarship place if she proves to be academically able in the future. I wouldn't be able to afford her whole schooling at a private school. I appreciate my post is long so I will stop here but happy to answer any specific questions. Final thing. I have no idea about how the private system works and am just starting to get my head around it. Id really appreciate to hear other people's experience (I know their are a lot of mumsnetters with children at private school).

AwardGiselePelicotTheNobelPeacePrize · 03/04/2025 11:36

I was a gifted child and it was apparent way before age 7. I am now a senior academic.

thewalrus · 03/04/2025 09:50

I think any mention of private education tends to polarise people and make lots of us defensive.
I think, if I've understood you correctly, your main concerns are 1. where to place your daughter for the first couple of years of her education when you continue to live where you are and 2. how to support a potentially academically very capable but possibly neurodivergent/prone to mental health issues individual to thrive growing up and make the most of their potential in a way that makes them happy.

For the years you are talking about, I think the most important things are quite hard to ascertain at this stage. The key thing for a nursery/reception/y1 child is the competence (including emotional competence) of the adults immediately supporting them, i.e. their teacher/TA/keyworker and the peers that they end up spending time with. When you need to make those decisions, I would do my best to find out about those people and the setting leadership. It may be that where you are, private reception feels like the best thing for your daughter. (I'm not in favour of private education, personally, but if you are, I can't see that moving from private reception y1 to state y2/3 is going to necessarily be a disaster.)
If only there was an easy answer to this bit! But I think the fact that you are obviously a thoughtful, considered and (appropriately) aspirational parent counts for a lot of this. You're unlikely to make perfect decisions all the time, but you're interested in tuning in and making the best holistic decisions for your daughter, and that's a big advantage for her.

Finally, the personal anecdote bit - two of my children are highly academically able. They went to a small state primary - kind, nurturing and really valued relationships and outdoor play, not the most rigorous academically in our town. (Though incidentally the top scoring child at GCSE at the local secondary has come from that primary for at least the last 5 years.) Their secondary was in a state of administrative chaos for much of their time there (requires improvement, new executives parachuted in, on to the 6th head in 7 years at the moment). My eldest achieved top grades in every exam she took throughout her education. I think she could have been more stretched academically, and she was sometimes bored at school/helping the other kids rather than working on her own stuff, but she has done well enough and had lovely friends and teachers and a nice time. (Currently on a gap year before Oxford.) I think bright kids can do well anywhere, especially with the type of home support you are obviously keen to provide her with.

harrietm87 · 03/04/2025 09:19

You’re not really engaging with people’s posts OP.

Private nursery (if you mean at preschool age) is absolutely not cheaper than state preschool. If you sent your DD to a preschool attached to a primary, she’d be in uniform and have the academic structure you seem to want, and it would be free.

It makes no logical sense for you to send your DD to a private preschool/reception. The only reason people do this is to avoid having to move them later, because it is an easier entry point than at 7+ when, rather than drawing stick figures, they’re expected to sit maths and English tests. If you’ve got limited resources they would be much better spent at a later stage of your DD’s education. You seem to have a massive chip on your shoulder about state education but no actual recent experience, and simultaneously are buying into all the private school marketing without applying any critical thought to it.

And fwiw, the children coming into schools in London who don’t speak English as their first language almost always end up the highest performing students as they tend to come from backgrounds where education is supported and prioritised. If you look at the demographic info for the super selective grammars in London this is very obvious.

Original poster

HowManyDucks · 03/04/2025 09:09

TypsTrycks · 03/04/2025 08:56

There is a popular prep school near me that calls themselves academically selective and does play-based assessments for entry at age 2. They make the children do stick figures and see how straight the lines are. Honestly, it's just a PR thing and there is no way you can judge a child's academic ability at this age using play based assessments. It's just random selection at this stage. On of my friends' obviously smart DC was rejected here but he got into a more selective prep at 7+ and is now at Eton. 7+ is the earliest you can judge academic skills imo.

I will echo what all PPs have said, Y1-2 in private really doesn't make a difference. Invest that money in a cash ISA and use it for trips/language lessons/activities in secondary!

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Stick figures?? Bloody hell, I'd fail that assessment for sure. It's actually quite hilarious.

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TypsTrycks · 03/04/2025 08:56

HowManyDucks · 03/04/2025 05:29

Thank you for this solid and pragmatic advice. Especially the -make decision on the basis of no bursary & the point about waiting lists.

Thinking aloud here...
I'm leaning towards sending DD to a private nursery (as I am shocked that it is significantly cheaper for 8am-6pm care 5 days a week or month than the local state options!). My plan is to move but I realistically don't think that will happen before reception. In that case I would like to keep her at the private until I do move to an area with better schools.

IF she did receive a bursary, however, then I would stay put and work things out with housing (provided she was happy and settled)

As you say, the transition may be difficult. I have no way of knowing how well she will adapt. There is likely going to be a transition regardless - it's something we will have to face at the time.

Secondary is something I will need to think about closer to the time when I have a better idea of what kind of school would be the best fit for DD. But moving to an area with goods schools at least gives us more options.

Interesting the point about waiting lists. I honestly hadn't thought of that. The private schools I've looked at say they are selective (I had assumed academically selective). The way it work (as I understand it) is that nursery places are offered via a play assessment. Then the nursery intake automatically go up to the prep. There is an additional intake in year 1 and year 3 I think it is) but children need to sit entrance exams for these.

So I guess it's a kind of academically selective system. I am trying (out of curiosity) to understand why they do this.

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There is a popular prep school near me that calls themselves academically selective and does play-based assessments for entry at age 2. They make the children do stick figures and see how straight the lines are. Honestly, it's just a PR thing and there is no way you can judge a child's academic ability at this age using play based assessments. It's just random selection at this stage. On of my friends' obviously smart DC was rejected here but he got into a more selective prep at 7+ and is now at Eton. 7+ is the earliest you can judge academic skills imo.

I will echo what all PPs have said, Y1-2 in private really doesn't make a difference. Invest that money in a cash ISA and use it for trips/language lessons/activities in secondary!

Heronwatcher · 03/04/2025 08:08

No I wouldn’t do it in your case. Private for nursery and reception, even years 1-3 is only worth it if you’re wanting to get “in the system” for junior/ secondary. I’d save the money for a house deposit or a bit of tutoring for when your DD is older.

I’d also 100% start looking at a few schools- private and secondary. Many state primaries have excellent early years provision, it’s something that lots of state schools do really well.

Original poster

HowManyDucks · 03/04/2025 08:06

WeirdyBeardyMarrowBabyLady · 03/04/2025 07:27

I’ve no advice save for enjoy your child whilst she’s young but i also really want to hear a 13mth old say the word ‘parallelogram’. I’m sure it’s very cute.

Haha she can't say parallelogram 🤣 but she does do some very exaggerated tongue movements in a respectable effort.

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WeirdyBeardyMarrowBabyLady · 03/04/2025 07:27

I’ve no advice save for enjoy your child whilst she’s young but i also really want to hear a 13mth old say the word ‘parallelogram’. I’m sure it’s very cute.

Original poster

HowManyDucks · 03/04/2025 07:15

@HeyThereDelila without going into the ins and outs of it, I have very limited family support. So moving would be us completely on our own somewhere in a place I've never been. It's a big thing. In London I do have a support network.

I am not planning on doing private for her whole school time - unless she somehow received a bursary which, as pps have pointed out, are few and far between.

I am certainly NOT pushing academics down her throat, not will I ever. We do go to baby groups, we do go to stay and play, we go to the library twice a week, we do play football and yesterday we spent an hour playing with dirt 🤦 i agree with you that's what childhood is about. What I don't want to do is send her to a school where she isn't learning and so her evenings have to be spent doing more enrichment or tutoring etc. That's the time she should be playing! (Sounds like a rant, but I think we are agreeing on the same thing!)

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Original poster

HowManyDucks · 03/04/2025 07:08

HeyThereDelila · 03/04/2025 07:02

I’ve just seen your update about currently renting but not having housing costs, is that right?

Assuming you stay in the military I’m guessing you’ll both still get free housing, but if you leave and need to pay rent - what then?

In your position I think I’d move to the catchment of outstanding schools and maybe grammars, and save any spare money you’ve got so that one day you can buy a flat of your own - that’d be far better security for you and DD long term.

No I'm not currently renting and have no housing costs which is why I can afford to potentially do private now. However when I move I will have to rent and so private would not be an option. However if I moved I could go to an area with good state primaries and possibly grammars which would be fine (no problems there, not against good state l schools at all!), the plan would then be to save for a deposit. You've basically read my mind there. Where I currently am, however, is problematic. I would prefer to invest in private so DD has a good start at school and delay my deposit.

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Original poster

HowManyDucks · 03/04/2025 07:03

Pipsquiggle · 03/04/2025 06:47

@HowManyDucks

You keep dodging this question - why do you think your local state primaries are bad? Have you been to visit them?

The more you post, the more entrenched you become on private when it's obvious that you cannot afford it.
You would be better saving the money you would spend on private education to buy near a decent secondary school/ grammar.

Sending your DD to private primary for a couple of years then move her to state, possibly to the only school that has space is a very poor strategy.

@Pipsquiggle also the point remains, I am going to have to move when she is in (most likely) in year 1. So the issue of transfer is unavoidable regardless of whether she goes to state or private. Plus some of the private nurseries are more affordable than the state nurseries in my area for a full time place. :)

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HeyThereDelila · 03/04/2025 07:02

I’ve just seen your update about currently renting but not having housing costs, is that right?

Assuming you stay in the military I’m guessing you’ll both still get free housing, but if you leave and need to pay rent - what then?

In your position I think I’d move to the catchment of outstanding schools and maybe grammars, and save any spare money you’ve got so that one day you can buy a flat of your own - that’d be far better security for you and DD long term.

Original poster

HowManyDucks · 03/04/2025 07:01

Netaporter · 03/04/2025 06:46

Unfortunately it is the case. And many of us I’m sure on here have been involved in governance of schools as well as being parents. The most generous bursaries are given by the ‘big name’ schools indeed but right now a lot of those funds both in those and in the others are being used to provide support to families caught out by the introduction of VAT in the middle of an academic year. Bursaries are funded to a large degree by initial deposits being left once the child leaves the school. It might be the case that parents no longer do this now they are paying VAT because they can’t afford to do so. Result = less bursaries. I really don’t know of many prep places funded by bursaries and unfortunately once you have demonstrated that you can pay you will be expected to do so. Bursary applications are very rigorous. You might feel that you qualify but you may not. You might not get a whole fees award especially if you have managed to pay part fees.

On the point about diversity, with the possible exception of City of London, there is very little financial diversity in any meaningful numbers. And this is only possible because city provides support across a greater range of incomes. And they in turn are supported by the generational wealth of the livery companies.

I understand totally wanting to do your best by your DD but there is no point in dismissing what posters (many of whom have experienced private schools as a parent) are kindly pointing out to you. If you are insistent that you are doing this then I wish you all the best but please don’t spend years 1 and upwards feeling like you have either failed or your DD is missing out because you can’t afford to leave her in an environment you can’t afford and she has to leave.

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Hi, thanks for the reply. I've completely taken on board what posters have said (if you read my earlier post) I'm not planning on sending DD to private primary, but am considering private nursery (because it's cheaper!) and possibly nursery (because the local schools are really not good).

@Pipsquiggle not dodging the question. Schools are rated as requires improvement/satisfactory (think a sea of red and amber on locrating 😅). There is one outstanding school which is just outside my catchment area. I have friends with children in different schools, who have had had a variety of different problems. I am currently living in a very disadvantaged area where lots of children arrive at school (through no fault of their own if course!!) very little English, there is a lot of behavioural issues. Friend has a daughter who can't write their name in year 3 and has been chasing for sen referral, school have been hopeless. The schools seem to manage these issues with varying degrees of success, but the socioeconomic problems are blatant and actually very sad. If you could see the area I don't think you'd be saying "how can you know the schools are bad?". Unfortunately I can't move straight away otherwise I would in a heartbeat.

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Pipsquiggle · 03/04/2025 06:47

@HowManyDucks

You keep dodging this question - why do you think your local state primaries are bad? Have you been to visit them?

The more you post, the more entrenched you become on private when it's obvious that you cannot afford it.
You would be better saving the money you would spend on private education to buy near a decent secondary school/ grammar.

Sending your DD to private primary for a couple of years then move her to state, possibly to the only school that has space is a very poor strategy.

Netaporter · 03/04/2025 06:46

HowManyDucks · 03/04/2025 05:33

That is simply not true though. As a PP said it is often the well known private schools that have the biggest bursary/scholarship provision. The schools I have looked at have published how many full bursary places are available for each intake.

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Unfortunately it is the case. And many of us I’m sure on here have been involved in governance of schools as well as being parents. The most generous bursaries are given by the ‘big name’ schools indeed but right now a lot of those funds both in those and in the others are being used to provide support to families caught out by the introduction of VAT in the middle of an academic year. Bursaries are funded to a large degree by initial deposits being left once the child leaves the school. It might be the case that parents no longer do this now they are paying VAT because they can’t afford to do so. Result = less bursaries. I really don’t know of many prep places funded by bursaries and unfortunately once you have demonstrated that you can pay you will be expected to do so. Bursary applications are very rigorous. You might feel that you qualify but you may not. You might not get a whole fees award especially if you have managed to pay part fees.

On the point about diversity, with the possible exception of City of London, there is very little financial diversity in any meaningful numbers. And this is only possible because city provides support across a greater range of incomes. And they in turn are supported by the generational wealth of the livery companies.

I understand totally wanting to do your best by your DD but there is no point in dismissing what posters (many of whom have experienced private schools as a parent) are kindly pointing out to you. If you are insistent that you are doing this then I wish you all the best but please don’t spend years 1 and upwards feeling like you have either failed or your DD is missing out because you can’t afford to leave her in an environment you can’t afford and she has to leave.

HeyThereDelila · 03/04/2025 06:38

A few things:

Look at the primary schools in your area before making a decision. Read the Ofsted reports and find out if you’re in catchment for an Outstanding primary (CofE and Catholic ones often really good). As a single Mum it may be safer to do primary in state to allow you to save. Join local Facebook groups and other forums, go to the local schools open days and summer fetes etc now to get a feel for them all. Talk to local parents. Move house in the next two years in to a great school catchment if needs be.

Look at moving to a grammar school area: Kent, Buckinghamshire, Lincolnshire, parts of Birmingham and some random cities and towns like Salisbury, Poole etc still have grammars, also areas of south west London like Kingston. But not at the expense of staying near family support networks and trusted friends - more important for DD to be near family and you to have back up as a single Mum.

Do you have savings?

Behaviour in the lower years of most primaries is absolutely fine provided you’re not in a truly deprived area - and even then many, many schools are very well run and led. One of the few good things the Cameron Govt did was really raise school educational standards - if your DD is super bright she’ll thrive at state.

Please don’t reach for private because you think money equals better - it doesn’t always and often teaching in private schools is poorer than in state nowadays. Some really good prep schools with great music etc are worth paying for. Your local day independent school often isn’t. Eg I think Eton is still worth it - I don’t think the same is true for some local day schools where exam results are actually lower than our outstanding local comprehensive in a nice area.

Look at who the other parents are. At my DC’s primary loads of the other parents are hospital consultants, barristers, lecturers and senior civil servants - this impacts how well their children do.

Please don’t put yourself through hell paying £400k in school fees over the years to right the “wrong” of your upbringing - she’s not you, and may not want what you want. Never let your disappointment show.

Spend your time with her when she’s little doing enriching things: children’s shows at the theatre, join a library, take her to baby music groups, go to museums and galleries. But also have fun - she is a child, not a computer to be programmed.

In your shoes I’d find the best local primary I can and save and research excellent private secondaries or grammars.

If it helps, my DH is genius level intelligent - he went to underperforming catholic schools in a deprived part of the north west and ended up at Oxbridge and has a fantastic job. You don’t need to pay to get there.

Another thing to be aware of - my baby was very bright, really ahead, spoke early. Now he’s at school I’d say he’s top 1/3 of ability in class but not the very top. So much of it is personality driven and comes down to them.

Do you best for her, but don’t live through her and don’t think she can fix your past. That’s not fair.

auspreg · 03/04/2025 06:32

It just seems like you won’t be able to afford it?? If your financial circumstances change for the better as the years go on, then by all means send your DD to private school!

Private school sounds like it would suit her very well, but it just doesn’t sound like you can afford it, so it’s a bit of a non issue?

sageGreen81 · 03/04/2025 06:30

HowManyDucks · 03/04/2025 04:03

No, of course not. There is a difference between having to stick rigidly to a national curriculum and being guided by that curriculum, allowing flexibility for children to explore topics beyond the curriculum and those that interest them

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@HowManyDucksthey stick rigidly to the curriculum! I’ve just put two kids through prep and there was 3 years between them, they each did the same identical thing each year. This is a top national
award winning prep school.

we went to an outstanding state nursery, the facilities were amazing, there was a forest school, lots of nurturing activities, we really didn’t need private school until Juniors (year 3) age 7 is a common transition point. I should say there are no bursaries at prep. The fee have risen from 10k to 18k in 4 years (per child) it’s significant.

Netaporter · 03/04/2025 06:23

HowManyDucks · 03/04/2025 05:29

Thank you for this solid and pragmatic advice. Especially the -make decision on the basis of no bursary & the point about waiting lists.

Thinking aloud here...
I'm leaning towards sending DD to a private nursery (as I am shocked that it is significantly cheaper for 8am-6pm care 5 days a week or month than the local state options!). My plan is to move but I realistically don't think that will happen before reception. In that case I would like to keep her at the private until I do move to an area with better schools.

IF she did receive a bursary, however, then I would stay put and work things out with housing (provided she was happy and settled)

As you say, the transition may be difficult. I have no way of knowing how well she will adapt. There is likely going to be a transition regardless - it's something we will have to face at the time.

Secondary is something I will need to think about closer to the time when I have a better idea of what kind of school would be the best fit for DD. But moving to an area with goods schools at least gives us more options.

Interesting the point about waiting lists. I honestly hadn't thought of that. The private schools I've looked at say they are selective (I had assumed academically selective). The way it work (as I understand it) is that nursery places are offered via a play assessment. Then the nursery intake automatically go up to the prep. There is an additional intake in year 1 and year 3 I think it is) but children need to sit entrance exams for these.

So I guess it's a kind of academically selective system. I am trying (out of curiosity) to understand why they do this.

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The private school option may look cheaper at first glance on the published fees but don’t forget to factor in :

Deposits (not all are refundable)
Care costs in the holidays (longer than state schools)
check if half days are the norm for the first 1/2 term/term (and be aware that at some schools that is an afternoon start rather than a morning one so a logistical nightmare)
Lunches/snacks/milk/juices
uniform
Additional wrap around costs to cover the out of hours costs (breakfast club/after school club) which are not part of the fees
That there are actually spaces available as you get be nearer to the start date in the breakfast and after school clubs (which are sometimes subcontracted out to third party providers and may not be the school staff)
that in the next two years those fees will be subject to an above inflation rise
Your child must be potty trained before starting

Schools are academically selective for all of the reasons mentioned upthread by a number of posters - prep schools in London trade on final destinations at various intake points of their leavers. If your child is unlikely to pass the entrance exams to various schools traditionally fed by the prep (including their own if it is a through school) they will be removed. If it is a through school and your child does not possess an amazing talent (chess genius, grade 8 by the age of 8 on an instrument/whatever) which the school can then write about in PR then they are highly unlikely to be awarded any of the available scholarships (Schools are a business first and foremost and want to attract new customers not reduce the income already being paid by existing ones).

harrietm87 · 03/04/2025 06:19

@HowManyDucks when you mention bursaries, are you talking about prep schools? They are much much less common in preps than secondaries.

As to why they do this - most private schools are looking for (and parents are paying for) a particular cohort that is easiest for them to teach. At nursery level this basically means the kids who can separate from parents easily, sit on the carpet nicely, draw basic pictures and use scissors. It’s not academic selection as such though children with these qualities at 3-4 should be well set up to learn well.

They are businesses first and foremost so will want to entice people to join at nursery stage with the carrot that their child won’t then have to sit the tests or move schools later, so guaranteeing a few extra years of fees.

What happens next depends on the school’s structure and (again) financial incentives - eg a stand alone prep whose reputation depends on its leavers’ results will prep the kids intensively for 11+ (so very limited time for the enriching extra curriculars of the brochure) but an all through school that wants to hang on to the kids will do little to nothing, and may in fact spend swathes of time on “enrichment” such that the kids who want to sit exams for other schools have to pay (again) for tuition after school. Obviously parents don’t know how bright their kid will turn out to be (which is why your certainty at 13 months is amusing), or indeed what will suit them in other ways, so there is a lot of bet hedging and hence the movements at 7, 8, 11 and 13.

Your assumption that a bright child will be better served in a private nursery or prep as compared to a state one, in general terms, is wrong. London in particular is packed full of outstanding state primaries. You haven’t said your area but if you did people could help with pointers. You seem though to have decided that your child needs something special and that this can only be achieved by paying for it. This is of course what the private nurseries and preps tell you, but it doesn’t mean it’s right.

Original poster

HowManyDucks · 03/04/2025 05:33

CrownCoats · 02/04/2025 20:26

Those kids are a tiny and ever decreasing minority. With the way things are going, I would be surprised if there are any bursaries left by the time your child is applying for secondary. I’m in zone 1 and the private prep schools here have zero diversity in terms of wealth. There are absolutely no bursaries. For private secondaries you’d be lucky to get a 10% music or sporting scholarship and that’s it.

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That is simply not true though. As a PP said it is often the well known private schools that have the biggest bursary/scholarship provision. The schools I have looked at have published how many full bursary places are available for each intake.

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Original poster

HowManyDucks · 03/04/2025 05:29

TypsTrycks · 02/04/2025 20:49

Just wanted to mention a few things which should help you with your decision making

Bursaries are disappearing from the private sector these days thanks to the VAT implementation (and several schools picking up a lot of the costs themselves and not passing them on fully to parents). Make your decisions based on no bursary/no scholarships in the future.

Would your DC manage okay if you moved them from private to state in Y3 or later? Most DC will struggle to adapt (though there are exceptions). I turned down a grammar place for DC because they wouldn't survive in larger/busier classes after 8 years of private schooling. Some of their classmates did move to grammar though, but even they took a long time to adapt.

Do not assume that private schooling will automatically stretch your child's abilities - it really depends on the teachers and is luck of the draw. You may be better off in the state sector than in a non-selective school (especially those who ask for the names to be placed on the waiting list at age 1/2 without knowing anything about a child's ability). If you have a selective school nearby, maybe apply there at 4+ or 7+. Bursaries used to be available at 7+ in some London schools but it looks like they have scrapped them this year.

Thank you for this solid and pragmatic advice. Especially the -make decision on the basis of no bursary & the point about waiting lists.

Thinking aloud here...
I'm leaning towards sending DD to a private nursery (as I am shocked that it is significantly cheaper for 8am-6pm care 5 days a week or month than the local state options!). My plan is to move but I realistically don't think that will happen before reception. In that case I would like to keep her at the private until I do move to an area with better schools.

IF she did receive a bursary, however, then I would stay put and work things out with housing (provided she was happy and settled)

As you say, the transition may be difficult. I have no way of knowing how well she will adapt. There is likely going to be a transition regardless - it's something we will have to face at the time.

Secondary is something I will need to think about closer to the time when I have a better idea of what kind of school would be the best fit for DD. But moving to an area with goods schools at least gives us more options.

Interesting the point about waiting lists. I honestly hadn't thought of that. The private schools I've looked at say they are selective (I had assumed academically selective). The way it work (as I understand it) is that nursery places are offered via a play assessment. Then the nursery intake automatically go up to the prep. There is an additional intake in year 1 and year 3 I think it is) but children need to sit entrance exams for these.

So I guess it's a kind of academically selective system. I am trying (out of curiosity) to understand why they do this.

OP posts:

Original poster

HowManyDucks · 03/04/2025 04:03

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 02/04/2025 19:38

Sorry OP do you really think they create individual curriculums for each child in the class? This is again an example of some expectation of private school that just isn’t realistic. I’ve been to both. They are basically the same.

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No, of course not. There is a difference between having to stick rigidly to a national curriculum and being guided by that curriculum, allowing flexibility for children to explore topics beyond the curriculum and those that interest them

OP posts:

needsnewartsyinsta · 02/04/2025 23:10

I moved my daughter from state to private in year 3 - because in year 2 she had been diagnosed (privately as on the NHS the wait is 4 years in our area) with autism and ADHD and her academically excellent state primary was not willing to meet her social and emotional needs. Academically the move has been a total waste of money - she’s doing nothing more than she would in state, but emotionally it has been fantastic for her and I believe if she had remained at her former school she would now not be in school anymore.
It is obviously too early to tell at 13 months but a really bright child would be a good fit for a super selective grammar - and these are free . So maybe look at these when deciding where to move. There are bursaries available in prep schools - in my local area there is a foundation that offers up to 100% bursaries from year 3. Not common of course but they do exist. The well known schools tend to have more funds for this.

springbringshope · 02/04/2025 23:08

RatedDoingMagic · 02/04/2025 00:17

You are not being unreasonable to consider it but the rationale in your op doesn't have a lot to suggest it's necessary.

You childhood experiences and your brother's suggest you may be a genetically neurodiverse family, do you think that's possible?

You really can't tell at 13 months which children are genuinely gifted and which are simply doing their milestones at the right time for them but with no long-term acceleration. In most primary schools there's no detectable difference between the cohort of "early" talkers/walkers/readers etc vs the cohort of "late" once they get to y3/4. Your description of how amazingly talented your 13mo is doesn't prove she is a genius (though I am sure she is wonderful)

Accelerating a child's learning eg by getting them to A-Level at age 14 is often damaging. Putting a child into a hothouse of academic drive can destroy their emotional wellbeing.

And frankly if you can't comfortably afford private school for 14 years you would be very foolish to blow your money on private in the earliest years. Scholarships are rarely possible before y7.

I would keep her in state education, at least for now, but save as hard as you can. Depending on how much you can save AND how she develops, you might consider moving to private for y7, y9 or y12.

What suggests neurodivergence. Getting top grades from a disadvantaged background doesn’t scream ND. They may be but I’m not seeing anything in the OP to suggest they are.